Ok, let's talk NC...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I'm interested in other people's experience of NC... .

How did you decide that was your best course of action? What did the final conversation with your pwBPD look like? Did you inform them of NC or just dive in? Did you immediately block their number/social media/email, or did you rely on will power to not respond? If you ultimately responded or made contact again, how did you determine when and how?

I have been relying on will to not make contact and am considering that I might need to protect myself by blocking his number as I know that the temptation is growing and if he were to contact me now I would have a hard time resisting.

This sounds extremely ridiculous and codependent, but I read a quora page about what no contact does to a BPD sufferer and it tore my heart out. I feel like I somehow denied HIM closure by not sending some final correspondence explaining why I would be NC. I feel like NC has allowed me space to BEGIN healing (though I clearly am not even close to done with the process by a long shot) but that it might have damaged him considerably.

OH MY GAWD WHY DO I EVEN CARE? All these recent posts I've made about how destroyed I am, how tramatized I am, how angry I am... .why is it that at the end of the day I am still worried AT ALL about HIM? UGH... .

Obviously my brain is a very conflicted place at the moment. 

[Lalathegreat]

I'm interested in other people's experience of NC... .

How did you decide that was your best course of action? What did the final conversation with your pwBPD look like? Did you inform them of NC or just dive in? Did you immediately block their number/social media/email, or did you rely on will power to not respond? If you ultimately responded or made contact again, how did you determine when and how?

I have been relying on will to not make contact and am considering that I might need to protect myself by blocking his number as I know that the temptation is growing and if he were to contact me now I would have a hard time resisting.

This sounds extremely ridiculous and codependent, but I read a quora page about what no contact does to a BPD sufferer and it tore my heart out. I feel like I somehow denied HIM closure by not sending some final correspondence explaining why I would be NC. I feel like NC has allowed me space to BEGIN healing (though I clearly am not even close to done with the process by a long shot) but that it might have damaged him considerably.

OH MY GAWD WHY DO I EVEN CARE? All these recent posts I've made about how destroyed I am, how tramatized I am, how angry I am... .why is it that at the end of the day I am still worried AT ALL about HIM? UGH... .

Obviously my brain is a very conflicted place at the moment. 

[KtotheK]

I'm interested in other people's experience of NC... .

How did you decide that was your best course of action? What did the final conversation with your pwBPD look like? Did you inform them of NC or just dive in? Did you immediately block their number/social media/email, or did you rely on will power to not respond? If you ultimately responded or made contact again, how did you determine when and how?

I have been relying on will to not make contact and am considering that I might need to protect myself by blocking his number as I know that the temptation is growing and if he were to contact me now I would have a hard time resisting.

This sounds extremely ridiculous and codependent, but I read a quora page about what no contact does to a BPD sufferer and it tore my heart out. I feel like I somehow denied HIM closure by not sending some final correspondence explaining why I would be NC. I feel like NC has allowed me space to BEGIN healing (though I clearly am not even close to done with the process by a long shot) but that it might have damaged him considerably.

OH MY GAWD WHY DO I EVEN CARE? All these recent posts I've made about how destroyed I am, how tramatized I am, how angry I am... .why is it that at the end of the day I am still worried AT ALL about HIM? UGH... .

Obviously my brain is a very conflicted place at the moment. 

Hi, how you are feeling is 100% normal! I have never blocked despite being encouraged to do. Staying NC is so hard and the temptations and want to reach out can be overwhelming. Just keep in mind what it is you are hoping for by having contact. From experience. I could often feel worse when either my ex did not respond, or did respond but not in the way I wanted ... .I was often left crushed.

The final NC ... .I did send a text saying I needed to move on as contact and finding out about being replaced immediately hurt too much. I got a reply which lacked much emotion etc. 5 months NC up until 2 weeks ago when I got an apology text. I have not replied!
None of how you are feeling is ridiculous! It's hard ! I really Stuggled... .however, if you are to properly heal, I do believe NC is necessary. Try also to stay off Social media... .seeing anything won't make you feel any better. It can be a very skewed picture, but it is one you do not need to see whilst you are tying to heal. It will put you back. Easier Said than done, but necessary!

You care because like all of the nons on here, we are kind, caring people. We also remember the good and let the bad and the hurtful episodes slip from our minds .and it is important to realise that we do deserve more ... we deserve to be angry ... I struggle to hold onto the anger for any length of time.

We need to think of us! Not them! You deserve more ... .don't forget that

[HelenaHandbasket]

This sounds extremely ridiculous and codependent, but I read a quora page about what no contact does to a BPD sufferer and it tore my heart out. I feel like I somehow denied HIM closure by not sending some final correspondence explaining why I would be NC. I feel like NC has allowed me space to BEGIN healing (though I clearly am not even close to done with the process by a long shot) but that it might have damaged him considerably.

OH MY GAWD WHY DO I EVEN CARE? All these recent posts I've made about how destroyed I am, how tramatized I am, how angry I am... .why is it that at the end of the day I am still worried AT ALL about HIM? UGH... .

Obviously my brain is a very conflicted place at the moment. 

I think it's normal to feel conflicted, so don't beat yourself up about that. BUT. Consider this: do you really think anything you could say would get through to your ex to the point where he'd have closure? A pwBPD is going to be angry and hurt and upset anyway--whether you stay, whether you leave and fully explain why, whether you leave and provide no explanation... .whatever. Because that's how the disorder works.  If you do contact him and explain yourself, that explanation (however sincere) is just going to be filtered through all the layers of projection and anger and distortion and BPD static.

So I honestly would not worry about explaining yourself. I think you could explain yourself hoarse and it wouldn't be productive.

 

[Mutt]

I was split black when I went controlled contact, I can't go NC because of the kids, I actually googled "how do you go no contact with kids" and I found some people online asking the same question on other forums. Maybe this thread will help someone in the future.

I decided to go controlled contact because of the chronic lack of respect for me, I decided that wanted to make myself as small of a target as possible out of self respect, I stood up for myself a few times before, I believe that was the catalyst for her to start searching elsewhere, but not like this though. I think that I got through it with help from the members here and it was changing my responses with aiding myself and the urge to reply to some of the messages.

I read most of my email on my phone so I created a filter to direct her messages to another folder so that I wouldn't see the message on my phone. I haven't spoken to her on the phone for more than a few minutes in 4 years. Hard to fathom when you talked to someone through every avenue possible and kept in touch, text, Facebook, etc... .at one point. Anyways, I'd set one day aside in the week to sift through the valid emails and respond to that, so that I didn't get inundated with messages every day.

I was worried that she'd fabricate something so that I'd lose custody of the kids and for me to be successful with how I parent the kids I track everything by email so that it doesn't come down to a case of "he said she said" The added bonus is that it's like slowing down time with your responses instead of acting on impulse and responding right away, I have the time to think about how I want to respond, if I want to respond.

I only respond about the kids and rarely talk about anything else, that goes into what I said earlier about being a small target. I'll look for what's valid and respond to that, also if she's emotionally dysregulated I'll wait a day or two before responding so that I can catch her in a mood where things can be more constructive.

To answer your question, I didn't tell her I just started controlled contact, I didn't want to get into an argument about it and my actions spoke for me.

[Skip]

The question is how can you best detach.

Burning your cell phone so that you won't use it is just fighting against yourself. Detaching is an intellectual / emotional thing.

The best thing is to remove the obvious triggers from your immediate reach, but don't get fooled into thinking this will heal you.

You have to grieve. You have to let go of hope that things will get better.

[Harley Quinn]

I'm interested in other people's experience of NC... .

How did you decide that was your best course of action? What did the final conversation with your pwBPD look like? Did you inform them of NC or just dive in? Did you immediately block their number/social media/email, or did you rely on will power to not respond? If you ultimately responded or made contact again, how did you determine when and how?

I have been relying on will to not make contact and am considering that I might need to protect myself by blocking his number as I know that the temptation is growing and if he were to contact me now I would have a hard time resisting.

This sounds extremely ridiculous and codependent, but I read a quora page about what no contact does to a BPD sufferer and it tore my heart out. I feel like I somehow denied HIM closure by not sending some final correspondence explaining why I would be NC. I feel like NC has allowed me space to BEGIN healing (though I clearly am not even close to done with the process by a long shot) but that it might have damaged him considerably.

OH MY GAWD WHY DO I EVEN CARE? All these recent posts I've made about how destroyed I am, how tramatized I am, how angry I am... .why is it that at the end of the day I am still worried AT ALL about HIM? UGH... .

Obviously my brain is a very conflicted place at the moment. 

Hi Lala,

I agree with  Skip.  It is less about the practical ways and more about being ready for it, invested in it and having the right reasons.  We know in ourselves when we are detaching and ready to begin the process of truly healing. 

I found the article on 'No Contact, the right way and the wrong way' really useful before I commenced NC.  Have you read this?  Here's the link anyway in case it's useful to anyone on the thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way 

For myself, I went LC first until I felt ready to disengage completely and then cut all contact.  I didn't respond to anything he sent, yet was being bombarded with ongoing desperate attempts so eventually to clarify my wishes I sent a solitary 'final message' which I'm happy to share if you want to know the content.  That's the only thing I'd have done differently in hindsight.  For my ex to fully understand this was not a game I'd have sent that at the outset.  I had researched best methods to do this and combined all of my findings into it.  After that full NC commenced and has worked wonders for me. 

I have chosen not to block as it allows me to know that I'm no longer being bombarded, or even contacted (7 weeks since his last message) and that gives me a sense of peace I'm not sure I'd have if I thought he was constantly striving to get through to me.  Especially that things were violent in the relationship - that would unnerve me intensely as there could be a possible escalation and I'd be unaware. 

I feel it is a positive for both of us.  He was emotionally tormented in the relationship and cutting contact can only have eased that and has certainly allowed him to move on as I've been replaced now (we live in the same town and as you know I saw them together).  So in effect he is happier, or at least has achieved that state for now that he craves.

I know he was hurt initially, as was I - it was painful for both of us, yet I feel we are both better off in our own ways as a result.  It was a toxic relationship so keeping lines of communication open could only have bred further toxicity.  Fear of abandonment is a massive issue for a pwBPD, and during the r/s he was living through that very real fear every day.  At least actually doing what he feared the most, the reality only happened once.  So as far as it being a terrible thing for him I'd say it was more of a blessing because I removed that daily fear from him.  Just an angle on the guilt aspect.

Good luck at finding what is right for you and with your ongoing journey Lala.  Keep touching base with those lessons, as I find that as I move along this path things begin to jump out at me that didn't before I was ready for them.

Love and light x

[Emotions]

The last time I texted my ex was on June 9th... .I asked her if she blocked me... .she was already in a new relationship at this time. I was with her for over 7 years, I was even engaged to her... .she found someone new, and within a month (literally) she told me she loved this guy "a lot" let me emphasize the word a lot because it struck me as ___?... .I'm not discounting it or even doubting it, but nonetheless it struck me as odd to hear... .she replied to my text saying she hasn't blocked me, I sent a thumbs up and a peace emoji... .(this is the last thing I have said to her) 3 days later I got a text saying the before mentioned I love him a lot so I have to stop texting and calling her... .i did not reply to this... .I am thus almost 1 month NC... .I feel as though I am 50/50 with my feelings... .I am genuinely starting to get used to waking up by myself, going to sleep by myself, going the grocery store by myself, going on walks by myself, cooking foods by myself... .you get the drift here... .when I think of my ex in detail for example her skin, her freckles, her hair, how she felt and so on this is when I start to really miss her... .therefore I have learned to nip those thoughts in the bud immediately, at first I couldn't control them, but it is ALOT EASIER now and I change those thoughts into how calm and free my thoughts and ideas are now... .if I want to turn left I turn left, if I want to shout hallelujah I shout hallelujah! No one is there to comment or control me anymore... .it's like shouting in a cave sort of... .hello anybody in there? Echo, hello anybody in there? Is weird because I am alone, but it's also AWESOME that I am alone... .I'm not sure if you get the analogy, but my point is I am honestly feeling more distant and I am even more important to myself than my ex is... .where as a month ago it was like 90/10 she was most important, now it's like 20/80 and I am more important... .unless you want to get back with your ex, I suggest you stay the course and LEARN TO ENJOY YOUR FREEDOM FROM THE CHAOS! It's such a cool feeling, although it is a little like the hello anybody in there feeling good luck and I hope you find what your looking for lala the GREAT

[Inharmsway]

Hi everyone, I haven't commented on here in a very long time.

Been NC for almost 3 years now. I never blocked him nor did he block me as we used WhatsApp mostly to communicate. I actually advised him that I'd be taking a break from him indefinitely.

I can say I've fully recovered from the ordeal, did therapy to address issues that lead to me being in this relationship and staying for 2 years. I took my lesson with me. I can spot instability from a mile away. This relaxation the best lesson ever from the school of life. Am still single  years choice and am enjoying it.

Back to NC, I know he will never make direct contact due to shame and fear of rejection. He tried luring me in by using provocative whatsapp profiles to elicit a response from me, I just ignored it. Didn't even affect me. Am hardly ever on whatsapp In any case. I don't do social media so he has no idea what I'm upto.

I hear he's still stuck on dating sites chasing the illusion of a perfect relationship.

[balletomane]

I went no contact just over two years ago.

My ex discarded me for someone else (only telling me once he was 100% sure his new relationship was going to work out). I felt like a worn-out toy he'd just thrown in the trash. He told me that he hoped I would stay his friend, because he needed my support over his self-harm until he felt able to tell his girlfriend. I agreed. I saw the unreasonableness of the request (especially as it was preceded by him telling me, "I've had to spend my whole life alone. You'll get used to this" but I was too racked with grief and fear of his reaction to ask, "And what happens when you do tell her - does my listening ear get thrown on the scrap heap with the rest of me?"  I thought that being the friend he turned to when he'd cut himself would be better than nothing. Only it wasn't. We went from being a couple and speaking several times a day to him ignoring me, refusing to see me, and responding to all my messages with monosyllabic words or just emoticons. I realised that so long as I remained in touch with him I was going to feel awful - the hope that I would sign into Facebook to find a message from him and the way my heart sped up when my phone beeped were sapping all my energy and attention. The tipping point came when I caught sight of my reflection unexpectedly in the middle of the night, six weeks after the discard. I was in floods of tears and I looked like an animal caught in a trap. I realised I could not go on this way. I unfriended him on Facebook then and there and had a peaceful night's sleep.

The following morning I did write to him, but not because I felt I owed him the explanation or that I had to take care of him. I had already learned the hard way that nothing I said would do any good when he was in a bad state. I had hidden my feelings and needs for so long, mostly out of fear of his vicious reactions, and this was an opportunity for me to state them. I explained how his actions had hurt me - simply, politely, using only a few short paragraphs, but very clearly. I told him that we could resume contact when he felt ready to be a genuine friend to me. And that was it.

I have now accepted that that 'when' is unlikely ever to come, and I don't want it even if it does. There is no way to rebuild from these ruins. I've moved on and I'm leaving the past in peace.

[Pulka]

Dealing with my Ex was a nightmare, quite frankly.

I made it clear NC and yet I was bombarded with 100's of calls, texts, emails a day - for 3 months. 4 years on and he's still spying on me... . 
He even had the audacity to slander me on a website and sent the link to me so I'd see it, in the hopes I'd contact him.

He hacked my Facebook & email accounts and was monitoring my emails, while I was on dating sites (unbeknownst to me). He even contacted a guy I was talking to, who I hadn't even met.

My suggestion; Change your mobile number, ensure your paperwork doesn't go to an address where he can view your statement with the new no. (Like mine did).
 
Change any passwords you think he may know and create a new email account.

Do not engage in any behaviour as it will give them the impression you still want to be presued to have them back in your life.

Good luck, in the meantime take care of yourself, allow yourself to grieve and move forward!

[JQ]

Hello Lala,

You've received a lot of guidance from the group here in their own way ... .some of it similar but still others have did things different. Like ANY r/s there is NO one size fits all AND this is more true with a NON vs pwBPD.  There are so many personal factors to your BPDr/s that we can't begin to know and that's what makes your choice YOUR choice.

Skip makes a good point in that it's an intellectual / emotional thing on an individual basis. What works for some might not work for all.  Having 2 major BPDr/s one recently & the other 20 years ago I can say that in MY experience NC was & is the best thing for me personally.  The one from 20 yrs ago tried to worm her way back into my life after my recent divorce and partnered with my BPD step mother & step sister to try to make it happen.  They gave her my phone number which I had to change and we all know how much of a Pain In the Arse that can be with professional contacts and or utilities etc. etc. etc. Twenty years ago I went full NC & had to threaten Federal Law investigation since I was in the military to make her stop. Once I retired & the divorce she started up again ... .

My most recent pwBPD relationship was history repeating itself on soo  many levels & I felt like many in the group did or currently does. I would echo Inharmsway that I used therapy to assist me in removing myself from a toxic r/s & a person who has a Cluster B Mental Illness. There's no fixing that no matter who you are.  YOU have to work on YOU & perhaps therapy would assist you in that aspect of your life & as Inharmsway suggest, "therapy to address the issues that lead to me being in this relationship & staying for 2 yrs." I truly believe that if the NON's in the group would do this & look at WHY & HOW they came to try to fix others to satisfy their own personal happiness that the torture that they put themselves through on a daily basis trying to figure out how to fix the pwBPDr/s would actually stop. They would then be able to move on in their life and truly find their own personally happiness.

With that being said and to answer your question ... .I personally had to go full NC in my BPDr/s, delete & block social media, delete & block phone numbers so that I could actually begin to work on myself to include my BPD step mother & step sister. If anything taught me from the 1st pwBPD is that time knows NO bounds for them ... .I mean to actually try again after 20 yrs was amazing & the more recent one is going to be no different. As balletomane points out, "there is no way to rebuild from these ruins. I've moved on and I'm leaving the past in peace."  Something Emotions points out that EVERYONE needs to read & REALLY understand in order to move on from your pwBPD. They said, " I am even more important to myself than my ex is"  THIS IS HUGE~! CONGRATULATIONS EMOTIONS~!  You found the key that so many are looking for 

This has NEVER ... .NEVER been about your exBPD ... .this IS is & will ALWAYS be about YOU & ONLY YOU! 

So do what YOU need to do to find YOUR peace and move forward in YOUR life and   yourself ... .you are an amazing person ... .turn that amazing caring, loving person that you are loose on yourself & take care of YOU ... .like yourself ... .love yourself ... .be happy with yourself!

J

[LightnessOfBeing]

BUT. Consider this: do you really think anything you could say would get through to your ex to the point where he'd have closure? A pwBPD is going to be angry and hurt and upset anyway--whether you stay, whether you leave and fully explain why, whether you leave and provide no explanation... .whatever. Because that's how the disorder works.  If you do contact him and explain yourself, that explanation (however sincere) is just going to be filtered through all the layers of projection and anger and distortion and BPD static.

This.

That's half of what kept a lot of us in these woodchipper-on-maximum-setting/Dante's-12th-circle-of-hell relationships in the first place -- that deep urge to break through, to finally, somehow, get through to them, connect through communication the way normal humans do, share a common reality, get past all that irrationality and denial. But unless/until they're in treatment, we're not going to get through that filter, that BPD lens that distorts all incoming data. I think HelenaH is spot-on here. Certainly write a final, explanatory letter if the writing of it will give you some kind of catharsis - but doing it in hopes it will help the Borderline?... .I'd say your hope is better spent elsewhere.

(Personal sidenote: I wrote mine a really clear and civil and logical finalish [ish=we still have to be under the same roof for another month] email, explaining in the simplest possible terms that we could resume talking if he would just apologize for the violence of three weeks ago [or acknowledge that he did it, or anything, any nod, any word, because since that moment he's literally acted like nothing happened]. WHOOSH. It's like he never even read it. Twice since I sent it to him, he's made a vicious remark when we pass in the house, like "Really? You're still not talking to me? How crazy of you!" I know that nothing I ever say to him will get through, I know that now. It's a painful thing to accept, but I think Nons have to, if we're to heal.)

[stimpy]

The final step to NC was triggered when I thought and felt, that enough was enough. I'd had enough of her behaviour and wanted out. I had had enough of being hurt and being made a fool of. I sent a final email to my ex, just saying how much she meant to me and how I wanted our future to be of happiness together, but that I couldn't see a way for that to happen and that it was time to move on and not to have contact.

I didn't change anything, phone number, email address, whatever, and yes she still stalked me for another 6 or so months and then disappeared. The stalking was on the internet, and involved the Meetup website, but I just stayed away from her, to be honest I felt I couldn't sign up to something knowing she would be there as well. I can't explain it, it was just my gut telling me, "don't do it".

And eventually she disappeared, and for a year I've been free of her, and during that time have been healing and recovering.

On Sunday I've got a date... .crikey... .very nervous. She seems... .well really nice... .

But that that has taken two years of recovery to get back to really getting excited about a date... .

One thing I'm sure of though, if I was still in contact with my expwBPD, I wouldn't be about to go on a date with a new person, it just wouldn't have happened.

[Owen]

I went NC as a last resort - my uBPDex was beginning to severely harass me with abusive messages at all hours of the day and night, and when I realized no response of mine would make it stop, I felt that I only had one option left.

Her phone number and all social media was blocked immediately after a particularly terrible string of messages, and I didn't notify her that I was going to do this. I didn't feel like feeding into it; every attempt of mine to be friendly and cordial was met with another form of verbal attack, and I knew that informing her of the impending NC would only potentially make things worse.

It made me feel terrible, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't still think about her all the time and check in on her public social media posts once in a while. And I'm aware that's not officially No Contact, but evidently I still feel some need to do this. I couldn't let her have a forum to reach out to me though, it just became too anxiety provoking and hurtful to keep that communication open. I began having a mild panic attack any time my phone would ring or I would receive a text message, because of the thought that it could be her with some new, denigrating message of some sort.

Since blocking her I've been able to feel a lot more myself. And knowing that if my phone goes off, it's guaranteed NOT to be her, has given me a lot more peace in my life and mindset.

I still hate that it came down to that; we were both officially trying to make things work up to a certain point, but it came down to not really having any other options if my emotional well being was to be taken care of.

[FSTL]

I am slowly moving from LC to NC ... .we work together, I felt bad abandoning her and wasn't ready to let go.

Is started to delay responses to make sure there was 24 hours delay to her reaching out, then I tried to bore her to disinterest with inane responses. I also diverted her calls to voicemail and blocked her on FB (we weren't friends, but I didn't want her keeping tabs or me seeing her profile on anyone else's page).

But every attempt to tone down communication led to me being sucked back in and every one of her attempts at a mini-recycle left me feeling angry or annoyed. The final straw came when she sucked me into a drama about me travelling with a group of mutual friends that she had been aware of for months leading up to the trip and then decided last minute that she hadn't been told it had been booked (just that we were thinking about it) and therefore we had done something wrong. I then learnt she was travelling to Canada with my replacement at the same time and thought... .what am I doing allowing her to keep doing this and then blocked her on whatsapp. Initially it was to just avoid her contacting me on the trip (which she has done before), but then I thought... .why not just make it permanent?

We still work together and she still has the option of using text or work - which helps with the guilt a little bit, and I don't think she would use work email for drama, so less stressful there as well.

If she left her job I am sure I would block her completely. I don't control that, so in the mean time I am just slowly chipping away at the communication links between us.