Platonic to romantic to platonic to romantic and back again

[heartandmind]

Hi all,

I was just wondering if anyone has any experience or advice regarding the constant shifting of relationship dynamics?

My ex-girlfriend wBPD recently came back into my life very romantically. After that intense event, she has started typical avoidant behavior, said that she doesn't know what she wants (quite contrary to her recent actions), and said that we are platonic "for right now." I suppose the "right now" part denotes the fact that it could one day change back to romantic, and given our constantly shifting history, that wouldn't surprise me one bit.

I asked her recently why this happens since it obviously confuses me more than you could imagine and she simply said that she doesn't even recognize how severe her patterns of behavior are and that she doesn't have a genuine reason for me other than it being her not doing a lot of thinking (?). Interesting enough though, she also said that she does not regret coming back into my life in the way that she did nor does she regret being intimate with me.
So, if you catch my drift, how could you say that we are purely platonic, but *not* regret being intimate and romantic with me the last time we saw each other? One would think that if you do truly feel only platonically about me, you would say that you don't regret coming back per se, but you regret the way in which you did, or at least that you regret making things physical.

I am wondering, given the BPD, if this is some even subconscious defense mechanism against intimacy and commitment? I find it rather impossible that someone's feelings that deep could change so instantly and organically without some sort of prompt or trigger, conscious or otherwise.

Any thoughts or similar experiences would be appreciated

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[Meili]

It all can be very confusing, I think that most of us can easily attest to that. You are not alone in that regard.

I want to put this before you to think about: You said

So, if you catch my drift, how could you say that we are purely platonic, but *not* regret being intimate and romantic with me the last time we saw each other? One would think that if you do truly feel only platonically about me, you would say that you don't regret coming back per se, but you regret the way in which you did, or at least that you regret making things physical.

Is it possible that just because you, I, or anyone else would think a certain way that another does not think that way at all?

Typically, this is the case when a non is first trying to learn about BPD. It doesn't make any sense to us. But, when we start to learn about the disorder and Understanding our partner's behaviors, we start to see that what makes sense to us does not make any sense to them and vise versa.

One reason for this may be that because pwBPD experience emotions far more intensely than other people. Their emotions form the basis for their realties. A byproduct of this can be that when their emotions change, so does their realties. It all makes perfect sense in their minds. We are left scratching our heads trying to figure it out. We can either radically accept this or we can continue to try to fight it.

It is also highly possible that because of intensity of the emotions surrounding the intimacy that she got scared and pulled back. That is common with relationship with pwBPD.

How you choose to respond to these situations can have a great deal of impact on how the future of the relationship plays out.

[heartandmind]

[... .]

A byproduct of this can be that when their emotions change, so does their realties. It all makes perfect sense in their minds. We are left scratching our heads trying to figure it out. We can either radically accept this or we can continue to try to fight it.

It is also highly possible that because of intensity of the emotions surrounding the intimacy that she got scared and pulled back. That is common with relationship with pwBPD.

How you choose to respond to these situations can have a great deal of impact on how the future of the relationship plays out.

Thank you very much for your response. I have tried living without her for a very long time (when we were not in touch) and it was just horrible. Beyond anything else, we are the best of friends and I felt aimless knowing that I couldn't text or call her and she would be there, etc.

Being without her for that period of time taught me that I shouldn't fight it, that I should make the utmost effort to understand her reality, whether it makes sense to me or not. Because at the end of the day, she always does come back, she always does still love me, it isn't personal (even though it feels like it is), she is receiving help via intense therapy, and I truly believe that it's patience here that is key.

I have also learned to have strict boundaries for myself though, so if I feel that she is overstepping them, we have an honest but kind conversation about it. She is usually very unaware of her behavior and will at the bare minimum come out of herself enough to then recognize it and apologize (doesn't mean it immediately changes though!) I also understand that (though I would love to be) we are not together at the moment so I live my life as well.

Here is my question - I agree completely with your statement that "we can either radically accept this or we can continue to try to fight it." This said though, what does swimming downstream in this situation mean? Typically when I feel her pushing away and being avoidant of me, I will address the issue then give her space until she eventually returns to me, which always occurs at some point. Is this the right thing to do? I never want her to feel smothered and have now fully understood that if she is pushing away, there is a reason why (even if it is subconscious), so me fighting that will do more harm than good.

Thank you for your advice 

[CMJ]

Hi Heartandmind

I've had an experience that's a along similar lines, but without the physical side of things.

I've known my friend for around 3 years now and the friendship has always included a little light hearted flirting. I'd say things like "I'll try not to think about your bum in lycra" when she took up running and she'd make innuendos about showing me her "spuds" (she's a keen gardener). Wasn't a regular thing, it'd just crop up if the conversation turned that way as it's the sort of friendship where we're both comfortable teasing each other, and do quite often 
There have been a few times when she's said something that's made me go wait, what? For example, having the opportunity to relocate cities for work but choosing not to because it'd mean leaving me behind, saying when are we testing it when I get a new camera lens, or saying she wants to do a charity run with me (not that she wants to take part, that she specifically wants to do it with me). Little things that sometimes made me wonder if there's something more going on.

But I digress, back in April I sent her a meme that indicated that our star signs meant we'd make a good couple. This was intended as nothing more than to make her laugh, and call me an idiot. Given our history I assumed she'd also see the funny side.

Not so. She didn't reply until much later in the day asking me what I'd meant by it. I told her I was trying to make her laugh.
I then got 2 weeks of silent treatment, some bickering afterwards when she seemed to not even remember there was a problem or that we hadn't spoken for a fortnight, and then blocked on all social media.

We only started talking again last weekend, and she said she pushed me away because she was confused and scared by my message. Even though I'd explained it when she asked me to.

Kinda fits in with what Meili is saying about emotions changing. She was feeling differently so the humour was deemed inappropriate despite her indulging in similar humour herself, and now I'm guessing they've changed again because returning to a situation that scared you makes little sense otherwise.

[Meili]

Here is my question - I agree completely with your statement that "we can either radically accept this or we can continue to try to fight it." This said though, what does swimming downstream in this situation mean? Typically when I feel her pushing away and being avoidant of me, I will address the issue then give her space until she eventually returns to me, which always occurs at some point. Is this the right thing to do? I never want her to feel smothered and have now fully understood that if she is pushing away, there is a reason why (even if it is subconscious), so me fighting that will do more harm than good.

What do you mean by you "will address the issue"?

How does she push you away?

I do agree that smothering is a bad plan. It's very unattractive, and we all want to remain attractive to our SO.

[lovesherfam]

What do you mean by you "will address the issue"?

How does she push you away?

I do agree that smothering is a bad plan. It's very unattractive, and we all want to remain attractive to our SO.

Exactly!