BPD Daughter Constantly Putting Herself Down

[OffMyRocker]

Does anyone else have an adult child who cuts every inch of her physical and mental being down.  It hurts so much to hear her do this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi offmyrocker

I remember saying when I was in my Supermum phase "if you can't do it for yourself, then I'll do it for you".  I misunderstood my DS's needs. He didn't want me to do it for him. Neither did he want that leg up to help him. He wanted to do it (and all of the other thousands of things in his head) all by himself.

Low self esteem, low self worth, no confidence all come with the territory. I discovered I didn't have that magic wand to make it all better. I couldn't change my DS, could never say enough to make him change his mind about himself. I couldn't make him feel deserving.

All I could do was change myself. I stopped doing things he should be doing himself. Always aware that he'd fail but recognising that he learnt from it. Left with the responsibility he had no choice but to try again. Slowly he achieved very small things. My DS needed to know he could fail without any comment or judgment. I hope this helps you.

Are you struggling st the moment? What's going on?

How's your family therapy going by the way?

LP

[OffMyRocker]

It's not about doing things for her, it's just her being nasty for the sake of 'making me as miserable as she is.'  She told me that she cuts herself down in front of me to hurt me and make me uncomfortable.  Not that she doesn't do it to herself alone... .but to pull me down with her.  And she sometimes would call me from the psych ward when she was there just to start an argument to try and hurt me, so I could be upset, too.  As they say... ."Misery loves company."

She also plays the suicide/harm card to see if my fiance'... .her 'step-dad'... .or I still care enough about her to be upset.  She likes to report bad things to us to test our loyalty or to rile us up.  At least she tries to... .I am learning to take it for what it is.

[OffMyRocker]

Oh, and family therapy is better than expected in some ways, yet less than I had hoped it would be so far in other ways... .if that makes any sense.

[wendydarling]

It's not about doing things for her, it's just her being nasty for the sake of 'making me as miserable as she is.'  She told me that she cuts herself down in front of me to hurt me and make me uncomfortable.  Not that she doesn't do it to herself alone... .but to pull me down with her.  And she sometimes would call me from the psych ward when she was there just to start an argument to try and hurt me, so I could be upset, too.  As they say... ."Misery loves company."

She also plays the suicide/harm card to see if my fiance'... .her 'step-dad'... .or I still care enough about her to be upset.  She likes to report bad things to us to test our loyalty or to rile us up.  At least she tries to... .I am learning to take it for what it is.

Many of us relate to what you are dealing with, your DD reaching out to you hurts and causes you pain, she is in pain, reaching out for help, how do you respond, this has been key for me in walking forwards with my daughter, have you seen the tools and lessons to the right 

WDx  

[OffMyRocker]

Many of us relate to what you are dealing with, your DD reaching out to you hurts and causes you pain, she is in pain, reaching out for help, how do you respond, this has been key for me in walking forwards with my daughter, have you seen the tools and lessons to the right 

WDx  

I tell her that I know she is saying and doing things this way, trying to lessen her pain, but that she can slowly learn to say things and reach out with less harsh words.  I tell her, also, that I forgive what she says, esp because she will admit she doesn't fully mean it... .it's mainly her reaction to so much emotional pain, but that I want her to gradually work on telling me how she feels or what she needs without so much angst, because I will be much more motivated to see where she is coming from.  And, yes, I have read things to the right.  Thanks for the reminder.

[Lollypop]

Hi

what do you say to your daughter when she cuts in front of you?

My heart goes out to you.

LP

[OffMyRocker]

Hi

what do you say to your daughter when she cuts in front of you?

My heart goes out to you.

LP

She never self-harms around us.

[Lollypop]

Hi

My mistake, I misunderstood.

she told me that she cuts herself down in front of me to hurt me and make me uncomfortable.

You've got two threads going at the same time, I've responded on the other one to try and give you some of my story. I hope it helps.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=311873.0

LP



LP

[OffMyRocker]

Hi

My mistake, I misunderstood.

You've got two threads going at the same time, I've responded on the other one to try and give you some of my story. I hope it helps.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=311873.0

LP

Cutting down herself... .verbally berating... .criticizing... .not actually physically cutting herself.