I have 'a type', but girls who are my type seem to commonly suffer from BPD...

[Fox Mulder]

My BPD ex dumped me and moved away 2½ years ago. It sucked. It took almost two entire years to stop thinking of her every single day. She's a completely different person now - addicted to drugs and binge drinking, no longer interested in reading or writing or learning like she was when we were together. I don't ever want to talk to her again, much less be with her again, but I do still miss the happiness I felt when I was with her.

Girls like her old self are still very much my type, but I've been trying to avoid getting involved with women who remind me of her. She was very feminine, very submissive, very smart, and very creative. She loved to read and write, seemed to really enjoy sharing in my hobbies and interests, and often seemed helpless or overwhelmed by emotions which appealed to me since I'm kind of the same way and it makes me feel appreciated when I play the role of a caretaker or protector in a relationship.

So I've been dating 'normal' women for the past couple years. They wear t-shirts and jeans, prefer watching Netflix to reading or writing, and seem to prefer living a separate existence from me - when they feel bad, they don't come to me for help but instead isolate themselves until they feel better. And they don't seem to care much about the things that make me happy. They've got their hobbies and I've got mine, I guess.

But the net result is that I haven't really felt much of a connection to the women I've been dating. They've all been attractive, none of them have been unintelligent, and they seem to care about me (though I think I'm still having trouble truly believing people who claim they care about me due to my ex having spent the last year of our relationship secretly despising me).

Yet I don't feel anything approaching that warmth or excitement that I felt when I was with my ex. I know I shouldn't, but I want to be with someone for whom I can be their guardian, someone who makes me feel special, someone who thinks I'm super great and thinks the things I'm into are super awesome. I guess your normal, typical relationship where it's just two people being their own two separate people isn't working out for me. I like feeling entwined really closely with my partner. But then, that helpless and feminine princess type of girl seems to have BPD a lot of the time.

So I feel stuck. Maybe I'm actually attracted to BPD women. Wouldn't that be nice.

I was wondering if anyone has experience with this sort of situation. I'm trying to 'date safe' but I miss the passion and the emotions that my BPD ex brought to the relationship. I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should just stay single.

[FSTL]

I am going through similar emotions and I suspect they are common.

My current almost gf is super nice, super honest and would make a great long term partner. So why do I still spend time thinking about my very mean and dishonest ex?

My current girl also had a BF with lots of BPD traits and it is interesting comparing notes with her. She says she spent all her time with her ex and it's just a feeling that needs to be worked through, like any grief or loss.

Time and self reflection are the answer (I hope), whilst also avoiding the next BPD (of which I have met and passed on many, which is a positive sign).

[Lucky Jim]

I want to be with someone for whom I can be their guardian, someone who makes me feel special, someone who thinks I'm super great and thinks the things I'm into are super awesome.

Hey Fox Mulder, What do you mean when you say that you would like a GF "for whom you can be [her] guardian"?  What type of person would that be?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[gotbushels]

Hi Fox Mulder 

This is further to Lucky Jim's question.

So I feel stuck. Maybe I'm actually attracted to BPD women. Wouldn't that be nice.

I'm interested in hearing why this is showing up for you. You've share a lot about how being entwined is appealing to you. What is it about BPD women that is attracting you. Do you want that in your relationship--if so, why?

[Skip]

My type:
Girls like her old self are still very much my type, but I've been trying to avoid getting involved with women who remind me of her. She was very feminine, very submissive, very smart, and very creative. She loved to read and write, seemed to really enjoy sharing in my hobbies and interests, and often seemed helpless or overwhelmed by emotions which appealed to me since I'm kind of the same way and it makes me feel appreciated when I play the role of a caretaker or protector in a relationship.

Normal:
So I've been dating 'normal' women for the past couple years. They wear t-shirts and jeans, prefer watching Netflix to reading or writing, and seem to prefer living a separate existence from me - when they feel bad, they don't come to me for help but instead isolate themselves until they feel better. And they don't seem to care much about the things that make me happy. They've got their hobbies and I've got mine, I guess.

This is an interesting perspective - probably more common among members than you think.

My sense is that dilemma exists for a lot of members. I also think a big part of the dilemma is not having a clear vision or desire for a healthy relationship and/or a clear understanding about what was incompatible or broken in our failed relationship.

1. An attractive thing about pwBPD traits is the idealization and the mirroring. A problematic thing about a BPD relationship is the devaluation and inability to weather the typical disappointments all relationships experience. These are the two sides of the same coin. The same "thinking" drive both. You don't get one without the other. It's important to recognize that this is the problem.

2. The 100 red flags lists people often talk about are more a sign of not understanding the problem and making a huge list of things to avoid. "Wears red hats - red flag. On dating site - red flag. Creative - red flag. Phsical - red flag" Are you attracted to creative people? This is not a red flag in and of itself. There are creative people that don't have BPD traits. They are not one in the same.

3. The independence you mention is a healthy thing. It's about having a sense of self. Sure, being idealized and mirrored is easier and more fun - but its an overstatement of reality which we eventually learn. It feels real. It's not real.

4. Closeness and caring comes in time and in layers. Often a "BPD relationship" starts where other good relationships evolve to after a year or two. Holding this perspective helps. Deep connections, closeness, dependence are built over time.

I think a big part of changing the trajectory of our relationships is re-evaluating what we are looking for and how we build a relationship.

[gotbushels]

Hi Fox Mulder  

What did you think of Skip's post? Will you please share how it could make sense with your own experience?

[vanx]

FoxMulder,

I don't have much in the way of advice, but wanted to share that I can definitely relate. I've dated one woman diagnosed BPD, one before her who was definitely passionate and romantic but painfully devalued me, and now find myself spending time with another woman diagnosed BPD. I have no doubt I have a type.
I get why people compare this to an addiction--her passion and high emotions brought me to life. Maybe real love is slower, even a little boring sometimes. I don't know--like you I think of giving up on relationships, but it is definitely a long learning process. It sounds like you are aware, so give yourself some credit for trying and thinking. It's not easy to change what allures you, but I think there are fine rewards for doing so, and I think we will feel like more evolved people for the challenge. At any rate, just know I'm right there with ya.