Feeling of responsibility keeping me in the marriage - Part III

[prof]

uBPDw was distressed at the lack of support she received from her dad and sister over the weekend while S4 and I were camping.  I was doing my best to comfort her.

That is, until her crosshairs turned to me.  I think I touched on this particular drama early in the first thread, but uBPDw's position in an excellent (but non-professional) musical group was going to be lowered, likely because she had dropped out twice during the past season due to illness.  She sent a bunch of victim-y emails to the director a while back.  When the director stopped responding to her, she asked me to contact her.  I initially resisted, but finally sent one.  The director responded to that, and I replied.  This was a couple weeks ago, and I never got a second response.

uBPDw asked me to write her again.  I told her that I would not.  This turned into her accusing me of never supporting her.  At this point, I told her that I was going to take a shower.  (A shower that I had earlier put off after she requested that I be with her while she put on her makeup, etc.)

She followed me into the bathroom and raged for a few minutes while I began showering.  She finally left, claiming she was starting to pack and that she and S4 would be going to the women's shelter.

After I got out of the shower, she accused me of ruining her favorite holiday, and that now we wouldn't be able to set off any fireworks or go see a fireworks show.  After an hour or so of her raging, we finally did leave to go see a fireworks show about an hour away.  uBPDw raged at me the entire way there and the entire way back.  She spent most of the performance in the car.  (S4 was crazy tired and was more interested in the nearby police car directing traffic than the fireworks themselves, so I think I was the only one who actually got to enjoy the fireworks... .)

When we got home, uBPDw continued raging.  She demanded that I come into the bathroom with her while she smoked -- she was afraid that if she left me alone with S4, that I would take him again.

After a few minutes of bathroom raging, I finally had enough and dashed off to my car, figuring she wouldn't be able to follow me quickly enough to hold my door open again with her pants around her ankles.  (She did get pretty far... .)

I'm about to spend the night in my office.  At this point, I'm very close to calling the lawyer in the morning.

[formflier]

     


Good on you for making a break for it. 

If you have never called a lawyer, that is a great step to take.  Not saying to file anything, but to actually walk through the process and perhaps even get the paperwork ready.

Interviewing several lawyers is a good idea.  Make sure to talk to them about their history with "high conflict" divorce.

Trust me, you will feel much better "staying" when you know exactly what walking out the door looks like.  Feeling better about staying will help you have better boundaries, which will help the relationship be more stable.

And, if you ever do want to leave... .much better to go in an organized and effective way.

Let's get back to the big picture.

1.  What can you do to avoid raging?

2.  Can you devise a strategy for rage that includes sending your son to his room and or taking him for a walk, car ride... whatever.

Listening to this is doing nobody any good... .including your wife.

What do your wife's medical providers say about the best strategy for dealing with rage?

If everyone can be on the same page... that would be a blessing.

Instead of saying yes or no and triggering an immediate rage, when she asks you to do "unhealthy" things, like write the leader of the band... .can you "kick the can" a bit.

"I see, so you want me to write to the band leader, instead of you communicating directly.  Do I have that right?"

once you confirm it.

"Let me give this some thought and I'll get back to you in a couple days"

FF

[DaddyBear77]

Hey prof,

First of all, I'm really glad to hear you and S4 had a great camping trip with your Dad at what sounded like an important location in your life from your past. Out of curiosity, was the length of time you camped a compromise length of time? Or was it for the full event?

The way you describe sticking around, putting off your shower while your wife gets makeup on, sustaining the argument at varying levels of rage and anger all around the house, the accusations that you ruined her favorite (maybe EVERY) holiday: I get ALL of that. I've seen the exact same things play out over and over again in my r/s. And like you, I'm absolutely at my end in terms of what to do.

The folks helping out on this thread have all helped me see things, each from a slightly different perspective. The tools on this site DO work, but, every situation is different, so each situation takes a different tool or a different application of the tool to be effective.

But I'm here to say that NONE of the tools "fix" BPD. NONE of the tools "fix" NPD. So the tools are here for us, to give us perspective, to allow us to be care GIVERS and not care TAKERS, and even then, only if we CHOOSE to.

I know you've spoken to a lawyer recently. So have I. It helps to know what your legal avenues are. And it also seems to be REALLY important to start out with the RIGHT kind of lawyer. One who can problem solve. I think I've mentioned the book Splitting before. If you haven't at least skimmed through it, I would suggest doing it now.

I suspect you're in a similar position to where I am, so I'll tell you a little about my thinking right now - I am sure that my wife will continue to accuse me of being the complete and unequivocal author of every miserable thing she's experiencing. If I divorce, I am sure that my wife will never voluntarily share custody of D3. I will ask for 50/50, and she will throw every single thing at me she possibly can. I know that when I let go of the imaginary reigns of control I have over her and this r/s, I will immediately need to grab onto the only reigns I KNOW I can control, which are my own.

And all that kind of scares the ever loving sh!# out of me.

Part of it is because I've never really taken control of my OWN life before. It's always been such an easy and exciting thing to watch how I "control" a completely (emotionally) out of control person (this is an honest assessment). I get a thrill out of the "success" I feel when she finally calms down and snuggles into my arms after a 2, 3, 6 hour rage, crying, anger, emotion session. The other part is that I know when I let go, and stick around afterwards, I'll have to sit back and watch my wife implode. She'll crash, she'll cry, she'll bottom out, she'll reject me, then beg me to come back, then rage at me again, and all the while I know I'll just need to ride it out with deflector shields at full power, or walk away. I'll have to protect myself in whatever way I need to.

I'm not sure if any of this is ringing a bell with you, but I suspect it is.

I think after months on this board and years trying to find answers, the only REAL answer is that we have control over exactly one person, and that is ourselves. It's a scary, overwhelming thing to grab on to for us, I think, but it's probably our only way out.

Does any of this make sense to you? Does this resonate with you? What are YOU thinking now that you've (hopefully) had a night to sleep on it?

   

[AnuDay]

Hey prof,

First of all, I'm really glad to hear you and S4 had a great camping trip with your Dad at what sounded like an important location in your life from your past. Out of curiosity, was the length of time you camped a compromise length of time? Or was it for the full event?

The way you describe sticking around, putting off your shower while your wife gets makeup on, sustaining the argument at varying levels of rage and anger all around the house, the accusations that you ruined her favorite (maybe EVERY) holiday: I get ALL of that. I've seen the exact same things play out over and over again in my r/s. And like you, I'm absolutely at my end in terms of what to do.

The folks helping out on this thread have all helped me see things, each from a slightly different perspective. The tools on this site DO work, but, every situation is different, so each situation takes a different tool or a different application of the tool to be effective.

But I'm here to say that NONE of the tools "fix" BPD. NONE of the tools "fix" NPD. So the tools are here for us, to give us perspective, to allow us to be care GIVERS and not care TAKERS, and even then, only if we CHOOSE to.

I know you've spoken to a lawyer recently. So have I. It helps to know what your legal avenues are. And it also seems to be REALLY important to start out with the RIGHT kind of lawyer. One who can problem solve. I think I've mentioned the book Splitting before. If you haven't at least skimmed through it, I would suggest doing it now.

I suspect you're in a similar position to where I am, so I'll tell you a little about my thinking right now - I am sure that my wife will continue to accuse me of being the complete and unequivocal author of every miserable thing she's experiencing. If I divorce, I am sure that my wife will never voluntarily share custody of D3. I will ask for 50/50, and she will throw every single thing at me she possibly can. I know that when I let go of the imaginary reigns of control I have over her and this r/s, I will immediately need to grab onto the only reigns I KNOW I can control, which are my own.

And all that kind of scares the ever loving sh!# out of me.

Part of it is because I've never really taken control of my OWN life before. It's always been such an easy and exciting thing to watch how I "control" a completely (emotionally) out of control person (this is an honest assessment). I get a thrill out of the "success" I feel when she finally calms down and snuggles into my arms after a 2, 3, 6 hour rage, crying, anger, emotion session. The other part is that I know when I let go, and stick around afterwards, I'll have to sit back and watch my wife implode. She'll crash, she'll cry, she'll bottom out, she'll reject me, then beg me to come back, then rage at me again, and all the while I know I'll just need to ride it out with deflector shields at full power, or walk away. I'll have to protect myself in whatever way I need to.

I'm not sure if any of this is ringing a bell with you, but I suspect it is.

I think after months on this board and years trying to find answers, the only REAL answer is that we have control over exactly one person, and that is ourselves. It's a scary, overwhelming thing to grab on to for us, I think, but it's probably our only way out.

Does any of this make sense to you? Does this resonate with you? What are YOU thinking now that you've (hopefully) had a night to sleep on it?

   

Thank you for this amazing insight. 

[formflier]

Why ask for 50/50?  You are saying that she is ok to parent by putting that out there.

If you ask for full custody and apply pressure... much more likely that BPDish stuff will come out.  They don't do well under pressure.

If it comes out, you are more likely to get more parenting time and your child is more likely to grow up healthy and secure in their emotions.

FF

[prof]

First of all, I'm really glad to hear you and S4 had a great camping trip with your Dad at what sounded like an important location in your life from your past. Out of curiosity, was the length of time you camped a compromise length of time? Or was it for the full event?

It was the full event.

The way you describe sticking around, putting off your shower while your wife gets makeup on, sustaining the argument at varying levels of rage and anger all around the house, the accusations that you ruined her favorite (maybe EVERY) holiday: I get ALL of that. I've seen the exact same things play out over and over again in my r/s. And like you, I'm absolutely at my end in terms of what to do.

The folks helping out on this thread have all helped me see things, each from a slightly different perspective. The tools on this site DO work, but, every situation is different, so each situation takes a different tool or a different application of the tool to be effective.

But I'm here to say that NONE of the tools "fix" BPD. NONE of the tools "fix" NPD. So the tools are here for us, to give us perspective, to allow us to be care GIVERS and not care TAKERS, and even then, only if we CHOOSE to.

I know you've spoken to a lawyer recently. So have I. It helps to know what your legal avenues are. And it also seems to be REALLY important to start out with the RIGHT kind of lawyer. One who can problem solve. I think I've mentioned the book Splitting before. If you haven't at least skimmed through it, I would suggest doing it now.

I suspect you're in a similar position to where I am, so I'll tell you a little about my thinking right now - I am sure that my wife will continue to accuse me of being the complete and unequivocal author of every miserable thing she's experiencing. If I divorce, I am sure that my wife will never voluntarily share custody of D3. I will ask for 50/50, and she will throw every single thing at me she possibly can. I know that when I let go of the imaginary reigns of control I have over her and this r/s, I will immediately need to grab onto the only reigns I KNOW I can control, which are my own.

And all that kind of scares the ever loving sh!# out of me.

Part of it is because I've never really taken control of my OWN life before. It's always been such an easy and exciting thing to watch how I "control" a completely (emotionally) out of control person (this is an honest assessment). I get a thrill out of the "success" I feel when she finally calms down and snuggles into my arms after a 2, 3, 6 hour rage, crying, anger, emotion session. The other part is that I know when I let go, and stick around afterwards, I'll have to sit back and watch my wife implode. She'll crash, she'll cry, she'll bottom out, she'll reject me, then beg me to come back, then rage at me again, and all the while I know I'll just need to ride it out with deflector shields at full power, or walk away. I'll have to protect myself in whatever way I need to.

I'm not sure if any of this is ringing a bell with you, but I suspect it is.

I think after months on this board and years trying to find answers, the only REAL answer is that we have control over exactly one person, and that is ourselves. It's a scary, overwhelming thing to grab on to for us, I think, but it's probably our only way out.

Does any of this make sense to you? Does this resonate with you? What are YOU thinking now that you've (hopefully) had a night to sleep on it?

It absolutely makes sense and resonates with me.  These past few weeks/months, I've definitely make a move toward taking care of myself and accepting that I'm the only one I can control.  But's it's not easy!


Update time:

I stayed in my office through yesterday morning/early afternoon and got some work done.  I also explored the town near my college a bit more than I've ever had an opportunity to before.  I then drove to meet uBPDw at MC.

She brought S4 with her, and informed me that she had nearly passed out several times on the road.  She had texted me earlier asking me to come home and pick her up first, but I had mostly had my phone off/been ignoring her texts.

She also informed me that her doctor had called her about the results of a blood test from Monday's appointment.  Apparently, her liver and kidney are very damaged, she has less than a year to live, and that she needed to be hospitalized for 3-6 months (!).  She refused, as her dad was about to visit us.  He has many medical problems himself, and she is worried that this might be her last opportunity to see him.  She also expressed worry that I will take off with S4 again, but this time permanently, if she's hospitalized.  I'm certainly a little hesitant about taking her story at face value.  Telling someone that they have a year to live on the phone seems a bit odd.

uBPDw dominated MC.  I was given very little opportunity to talk, and when I did, she usually interrupted me.

We scheduled two more appointments for the next day (today), one individually with each of us.

Since we were in the city for the MC appointment and also had to pick up uBPDw's dad and stepmom at the airport in a few hours, we had a little time to kill.  We went to the store, and while there, uBPDw got a call from DFCS.  They wanted to meet with us.  uBPDw essentially brushed them off, but we began panicking that S4 would be taken away.  On the way to the airport, uBPDw frantically googled what to do in this situation.  Most of the sites said to be very polite, say nothing, not let them into your home, etc.  (Side note:  we left uBPDw's car at the MC office and all three of us were in the car together at this point.)

uBPDw's dad's flight was delayed.  She passed out while we were waiting, and after she came to, I nabbed an airport wheelchair and took her back to our car, at her request.  S4 and I met up with uBPDw's dad and stepmom.  We drove them to the MC office, and they drove uBPDw's car to our place after grabbing a bite to eat.

uBPDw and I are staying in S4's room, while uBPDw's dad and stepmom are in our room.  (S4 has our old king-size bed -- uBPDw inherited a second one when her mom died, which is what is in our room.)

We cuddled as a family all night -- the DFCS situation and uBPDw's health definitely brought us closer.


This morning I woke up, took S4 to daycare, and starting driving to my individual MC appointment.  On the way, uBPDw called me.  DFCS was at our home!  She basically did everything we read not to do, i.e., talked about her depression and let them tour our home.  She put me on speakerphone briefly and I said that our relationship was great, that uBPDw was a great mom, and did my best Alberto Gonzales "I do not recall" impression when they asked about law enforcement involvement.  They eventually left, but still want to meet us somewhere with S4 -- they've agreed to a public place like a restaurant.

I was late to my MC appointment (we briefly thought he may have called DFCS, so I stopped driving for a while).  It went ok, I guess.  I thought today's appointments were part of the initial consultation we paid for yesterday, however.  Now my bank account is overdrawn several hundred dollars. 

uBPDw, DFCS, money -- argh.  I just want to run away and go camping again. 

[formflier]

OK... .  

DFCS... .it is not a good idea to lie to them.  Also not a good idea to base what you tell them on what you read on the internet.  I would suggest that YOU (privately... .just you) discuss this with a family law attorney... .someone that represents you.   

You want to get the feel for how the local DFCS works. 

Your wife did what she did... .you can't undo that.  In the future, if ever faced with having to describe your r/s with your wife... in front of your wife... .you need to find a way to be honest and to not offend.

"We have challenges in our relationship that we are addressing, I'm working to gain more relationship skills."  Telling them they are great is going to create trust issues with the investigators.

Potentially, if you can talk to the investigator privately and apologize for having to speak "on the spot" and that you guys are in therapy.  Listen... .the people at DFCS are people too... .they want to help... .they have discretion... . 

If you were dealing with up front people that are addressing their issues... .how would that go?

If you were dealing with people that were saying untruths about what is obviously happening... .what kind of discretion would you use?

Approaching DFCS (or any issue) from a place of "fear"... .is not good.

DFCS is not here to punish people... they want to help (although it is understandable how some feel punished).

FF

[formflier]

Your wife's medical stuff:

Obviously there are several different things going on.

Obviously your wife's capacity to deal with them herself is lacking.

I do share your skepticism at the story as your wife told it, but that can be remedied quickly by a joint call or joint visit to the doctor.

Also... .think this through... .people can have visitors in the hospital.  You have visitors in the home.  Granted... .it's not the same, but she can have both.

Don't get drawn into false choices.

Given how often she passes out and the potential for serious health concerns, you will want to ask a doctor... .her doctor about her ability to care for S4 when you are not there.

Something to think about.

FF

[formflier]

Last thought for now.  Please don't overthink "who called" DFCS. 

Most likely it was a referral from the police.

DFCS won't tell you.

In my experience, therapists will let you know when you are talking about DFCS call types of things.  So, they usually tell you.  I have had this happen to me (and I expected it) and I've heard this from others I trust.

FF

[prof]

Last thought for now.  Please don't overthink "who called" DFCS. 

Most likely it was a referral from the police.

DFCS won't tell you.

In my experience, therapists will let you know when you are talking about DFCS call types of things.  So, they usually tell you.  I have had this happen to me (and I expected it) and I've heard this from others I trust.

I haven't been overthinking it, but uBPDw certainly has!  The MC specifically told me today that he did not call them, and like you said, he warns his patients first.  We've pretty much come to the same conclusion as you -- it was most likely the sheriff.

[Grey Kitty]

"Who called DFCS?"

First, you probably will never know. Second, the cows have left the barn already, so who opened the door, and closing it aren't relevant until you find the cows again!

In other words, focus on how to get through the DFCS investigation without losing custody of S4, instead.

... .AND... .

Time for YOU talk to a family law expert about how to deal with DFCS, to end this and keep custody. (The lawyer you are talking to about divorce/custody might be a good choice)

One more question to ask your lawyer and research is about mandatory reporting laws and policies... .to make sure that you don't accidentally trigger another report/investigation by saying the wrong thing to either police or your MC. Both of which probably are subject to mandatory reporting laws and workplace policies.

In other words, learn what things that you might say would trigger reporting to DFCS, so you do not do that by accident.

You may or may not want to share this information with your wife.

[prof]

We contacted a nearby lawyer which specializes in DFCS cases, but haven't haven't heard back yet.

DFCS came by our house again two days ago.  Both S4 and I were home.  uBPDw and I were initially very hesitant to talk, but eventually we were more forthcoming (especially as it became clear that DFCS had done their homework and looked at all the 911 calls!).  Eventually we let them see S4.

They said they would contact our MC to make sure we are attending therapy like we said and S4's daycare to make sure that they haven't seen anything fishy.  They assured us that the chances of them taking S4 into custody are nearly zero.  I'm inclined to believe them, but uBPDw is still convinced we will lose S4.

She blamed me for them coming.  "See what happens when you call 911?", she asked multiple times.  I stood by my decisions to call, as they were all for suicide threats.  (There were actually 8(!) calls in the past month.  Only three of these were made by me.)


Yesterday was actually a nice break, as uBPDw's emotions were all directed at her sister over some Facebook drama.  I was able to be relatively supportive.  The day ended well, and we had a lot of fun lighting fireworks.  (We had planned a lot of this for the 4th, but you may recall that she spent the 4th raging at me instead.)

[prof]

I've finally made my decision.  I've set up an appointment to begin filing for divorce on Friday.

I'll start a new thread on the divorce board, but I wanted to explain a little bit about what finally brought me here.


uBPDw has been really concerned about finances the last day or two.  One of her credit cards was declined, which got her started on this.  (Ironically, it wasn't due to lack of available credit, but because she hadn't activated her new replacement card yet.  Also ironically, she proceeded to spend over $100 at what was supposed to be a quick milk-and-bread run to Wal-Mart later that same day... .)

Her dad and stepmom, who are still in town for a while, recommended a credit counseling service they had used to deal with some credit card debt.  uBPDw called one which had a similar name to the service they recommended, but obviously wasn't the same one.  She was on the phone for quite a while going over our finances.  In the end, they weren't able to help us, as our expenses were too great.  This was obviously very upsetting to her.

However, they had obviously made some major miscalculations, e.g., our medical expenses were vastly overestimated.  I offered to sit down and spend some time working out a budget myself.

uBPDw refused -- she wanted us to hash it out together.  I explained that I definitely wanted to do that, but first I needed some quiet time to do some research and crunch some numbers.

She refused to give me this time.  Although we weren't really arguing, her emotions got intense enough that I decided to go for a walk.

I went a few blocks away to a nearby park/boat ramp on a lake.  I meditated/enjoyed the beautiful evening for a while.  I also talked to my dad on the phone.

While I was on the phone with my dad, an old buddy of mine from high school (also the best man at our wedding) called.  I called him back after I got off the phone with my dad.  We hadn't talked in a while, and he had just called to see how things were doing.

Of course, I started unloading everything on him.  (I'd been considering calling him myself for the past few weeks.  He's been divorced and has had a couple crazy relationships.  He also worked with troubled kids for a few years, and while he doesn't have any official counseling credentials, is pretty good at talking through problems.)  I warned him that my phone was pretty low, and sure enough, it died shortly into my story.

I walked back home and tried to sneak into my car to drive away/charge my phone.  uBPDw caught me -- she was on the phone with another credit counseling place and they needed my SSN, etc.  I relented, spoke on the phone for a few minutes, and then left under the pretense of going to the store.

I called my buddy back and we talked for about an hour.  He basically said that there was no question that I should file for divorce, and that my R/S with uBPDw is preventing me from being the best version of myself.

I went back home and uBPDw raged at me for being gone longer than 2 hours as we'd agreed in MC (it was a little over 3).  She said that all the work that we had done since MC had gone out the window and that she wanted to divorce me.  Finally, she asked me to leave.  (She's since tried to pull me back over text, but I haven't responded.)

I spent the night at my office.  I'm still there.  I called the lawyer's office to set up an appointment, and my dad to send the retainer check.


So why now?

I've been praying for guidance, and waiting for some sign to show me the way.

A couple years ago, I was applying for jobs, as my contract at my then-current job was going to be done at the end of the academic year.  I had an offer at a job at a college that I really liked, but it was only a one-year position.  I could take it, have employment for a year at a school that seemed to be a really good fit, or turn it down and hope for other opportunities.

I was really torn.  I prayed for guidance.  And a couple days before I was supposed to give this college my decision, I got an offer for an on-campus interview at another college, this time for a permanent position.

While  it wasn't a job offer yet, it was a sign that I was still attractive on the job market and I should keep shooting for something better.  In the end, I ended up getting an offer at the "sign" college, but turned it down for my current job.

My buddy's out-of-the-blue phone call was my sign this time.

[DaddyBear77]

I've finally made my decision.  I've set up an appointment to begin filing for divorce on Friday.

prof, you are embarking on a very long, difficult, and hopefully positive, life changing journey.

Only you can make that choice and it's clear that you have taken that choice seriously. To riff on the title of your thread, it is now a sense of responsibility, to yourself, that has led you to take some steps OUT of the marriage.

You will have a lot of difficult days ahead and all of us here will be with you, whether you post here, Detaching, and also Family Law board (something I suspect you'll need)

Good luck, prof. Please keep us updated.

~DaddyBear77