Introduction

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello, I'm not even sure what to say... . A few months ago I began to get counseling for myself.  I had no idea what was happening - I work in a stressful occupation - I thought I was experiencing  burnout due to my work.  When I told my wife that I hadn't been feeling 'right' and I had gone to see a counselor  (I had been to one session at that point), she was supportive at first.  She had been saying to me for a while that I seemed unhappy and I rarely smiled at her, so she was glad I was doing something to address the situation.  She asked what I needed from her, and I really didn't know at the time, but I told her I needed her to give me some space and allow me time to process what was going on.

What I got from her was the exact opposite, in an extreme way.  The following morning when we woke up, she rolled over half on top of me, and literally began tapping me on the forehead, asking over and over if we were okay with respect to our relationship. When I asked her to stop, (my exact words were, "please stop, you're driving me nuts", I got the silent treatment for the remainder of the day,  except for the occasional passive aggressive muttering under her breath.  The morning after that, when she had calmed down a bit, she said that she just had a fearful overreaction and realized it was wrong, but she committed to making things better.  She was super nice the rest of that day. I went to the grocery store in the evening, and  while I was there I bought her a bouquet of flowers, just to acknowledge that we had both had a hard couple of days, and I appreciated that she said she wanted to be supportive.  Her reaction was a flood of upset tears, because she said she felt like she shouldn't have to be rewarded for being nice.  (I didn't realize it at the time, but in retrospect , her being as nice as she was - to me - was actually very unusual.)  Looking back over 20+ years of marriage, I am realizing that this is not new behavior, and we have been going through this push-pull cycle for quite some time.

Like many others I'm sure, I've been trying to get a handle on what's been happening to me. I've been doing a lot of reading, and I stumbled upon this idea of BPD.  The more I read, the more I come to the inevitable conclusion that this is what I've been dealing with for so many years, and not even knowing it.  There is much more water that has gone under the bridge in the meantime, which perhaps I'll get into at some future point, but the bottom line is that I realize I have to make a change.

I am so wracked with indecision. I know it's not anyone's place to tell me if I should stay or go, but I really need some solid advice.  That of course is the reason I've signed up for this support, in the desperate hope that I will be able to get the help I need to make some rather large decisions.  I  welcome any and all advice.

[Hurtandconfused]

Hello, I'm not even sure what to say... . A few months ago I began to get counseling for myself.  I had no idea what was happening - I work in a stressful occupation - I thought I was experiencing  burnout due to my work.  When I told my wife that I hadn't been feeling 'right' and I had gone to see a counselor  (I had been to one session at that point), she was supportive at first.  She had been saying to me for a while that I seemed unhappy and I rarely smiled at her, so she was glad I was doing something to address the situation.  She asked what I needed from her, and I really didn't know at the time, but I told her I needed her to give me some space and allow me time to process what was going on.

What I got from her was the exact opposite, in an extreme way.  The following morning when we woke up, she rolled over half on top of me, and literally began tapping me on the forehead, asking over and over if we were okay with respect to our relationship. When I asked her to stop, (my exact words were, "please stop, you're driving me nuts", I got the silent treatment for the remainder of the day,  except for the occasional passive aggressive muttering under her breath.  The morning after that, when she had calmed down a bit, she said that she just had a fearful overreaction and realized it was wrong, but she committed to making things better.  She was super nice the rest of that day. I went to the grocery store in the evening, and  while I was there I bought her a bouquet of flowers, just to acknowledge that we had both had a hard couple of days, and I appreciated that she said she wanted to be supportive.  Her reaction was a flood of upset tears, because she said she felt like she shouldn't have to be rewarded for being nice.  (I didn't realize it at the time, but in retrospect , her being as nice as she was - to me - was actually very unusual.)  Looking back over 20+ years of marriage, I am realizing that this is not new behavior, and we have been going through this push-pull cycle for quite some time.

Like many others I'm sure, I've been trying to get a handle on what's been happening to me. I've been doing a lot of reading, and I stumbled upon this idea of BPD.  The more I read, the more I come to the inevitable conclusion that this is what I've been dealing with for so many years, and not even knowing it.  There is much more water that has gone under the bridge in the meantime, which perhaps I'll get into at some future point, but the bottom line is that I realize I have to make a change.

I am so wracked with indecision. I know it's not anyone's place to tell me if I should stay or go, but I really need some solid advice.  That of course is the reason I've signed up for this support, in the desperate hope that I will be able to get the help I need to make some rather large decisions.  I  welcome any and all advice.

[formflier]

Hurtandconfused,



I am so sorry for the relationship turmoil that you are experiencing right now.  I'm also very glad that you have found bpdfamily.

We can help you sort it out.

Very good that you are going to see a counselor.  This is critical step.

I would challenge you to think about "what you can change and what you control".  Doing that will help you clarify, through a "boundaries" point of view, what you control and what your wife controls.

Then you can focus your energy on "your stuff" and allow your wife to focus on hers. 

I'll leave you with a final thought (for now).  I would hope you can consider your wife's position and think about the emotions she is expressing (worry/fear) about your relationship.  Those feelings are valid and I hope you can be empathetic with her, while you gain skills and understanding to improve the relationship.

We can help... .I'm interested in learning more about your story.

FF

[Hurtandconfused]

Thank you so much for your kind words.  On reading over my initial introduction, I realize that my situation sounds fairly mild based on what I wrote.  Admittedly, unlike some stories on this site,  I've never been arrested under false pretenses, nor have I experienced physical assaults,  but I feel that I am a victim of emotional abuse all the same.  I'll flesh out my story with some more details. All comments are welcome.

Like I mentioned previously, I sought counseling for what I thought was work-related stress.  The counselor quickly identified that the source of my stress was not work, but relationship burnout.  I described to him a typical day in my life, and it was basically filled entirely with work, tending to my wife's needs, or tending to my children under my wife's direction.  Every day, almost without exception, I would get up, get the kids ready and off to school, work all day, and then go home where my real 'work' would begin.  I never knew which wife I was going to get when coming in through the door at the end of my job work day - the relatively pleasant one that would natter on for hours about various complaints about her own workplace, or the stormy, angry wife that had taken exception to some minor transgression by one of the children  ("You didn't eat the carrots I packed in your lunch for today? You don't appreciate your mother!" *Followed by crying, slamming doors, etc.).  Whether I got nice wife or angry wife, either way I would usually have a long to do list dictated to me before I could get my coat or shoes off as soon as I was in the door.  Normally this list is in the form of "we" need to do this or that, but it never actually meant "we" - it was for me to do, and heaven forbid anything not get done right away.  The negative consequence of an evening full of complaints and angry tirades was enough for me to just put my head down, get the work done, and keep the peace.  After doing her own 'chores' of packing lunch for the children for the next day and cooking them their supper, she would grandly pronounce that she was 'done for the evening' and she would sit in her comfortable chair in front of the television while I carried out my duties.  I would help the children with their homework  (older son has a learning disability so needs extra attention, which apparently only I can give), take them to their sports/activities, etc. When I was finally done with all that, "we" had laundry to get done, grocery shopping, cleaning the house to do, etc., all the while interspersed with me fetching drinks and snacks for wife. Finally get the kids tucked into bed around 9:30pm, then come down the stairs to hear,  "what took you so long? I'm starving. I thought you were coming down to cook supper  (for the two of us) ages ago!"  Spend the next hour cooking for us, sitting down to eat around 10:30pm. Wife decides it's our bedtime once we're done eating, she goes up the stairs to bed and I stay back to clean up the dishes, etc.  If I also happen to take 30 minutes or so to myself to perhaps catch the end of a baseball or hockey game, I'm guaranteed to hear, "where were you? I've been waiting for you to come up to rub my back!"  I fall into bed, scratching or rubbing my wife's back until she's asleep.  If I happen to fall asleep first, I'm awakened so I can continue rubbing.  Until my older son was about 10 years old (he is currently 15) he wasn't a good sleeper - night terrors, sleepwalking, etc.  Guess whose job it  was to tend to the children if they happened to get up in the night?  Even when they were infants and needed overnight feeding or diaper changes? Yes, "we" would get up and see to their needs in the night as well.  More than once, I would be out in older boy's room, trying to soothe him and get him settled back into bed, hearing my wife scream down the hall, "tell him to shut the f@ck up, I'm trying to get some sleep here!"  This continued every day for years, without exaggeration.  On more than one occasion I stayed up more than 40 hours straight.  At one point I thought that I might have a brain tumor, because I was experiencing difficulty with my balance, but it turned out to just be exhaustion.  The kids normally sleep through the night these days, but in the event they are sick or up for some other reason,  they still come to me and not their mother.  Weekends and holidays would occasionally offer some relief, with my wife doing more of the cooking and cleaning, but my part was normally to have my 'job' work time replaced with more household chores.  There was a time once where I noticed I was not sitting still very often, so for a week or so I kept track of how many minutes in a row I would get to sit down before being asked to get up and fetch something for her.  Again, without exaggeration, for that week I sat down for no more than 10 minutes consecutively for any time she and I were in the same room together.  I *could* have refused of course, but the negativity I would face as a consequence wouldn't have been worth it.  I  was too tired to put up a fight anyway, so I shuffled on through the motions.  This also continued for more than a decade.

Around the time I sought counseling, I also started doing reading and online research.  I didn't know what was happening to me, but I knew there was something wrong.  I came across an article about lack of intimacy contributing to depression in men.  The site itself had very little information, but it included a lengthy comment section where people could write in about their own experiences.  I read these stories from these people - men, mostly - that were opening up about their lives and how they were being treated by their partners, and how it impacted them.  I don't know how long I was reading,  but it was at least a couple of hours. I cried uncontrollably for all of it, and then some.  Seeing my own life laid out on the screen in other people's words, but describing my life almost exactly, filled with pain, was completely devastating.  That led to articles on identifying whether or not I was being emotionally abused.  Humiliation in front of friends? Check.  Isolation from other supports?  Check.  Being called names?  Check. Controlling behavior?  Check.  Being treated like a machine to the point of having a nervous breakdown?  Check.  No boundaries or regard for my needs?  Check.  :)epriving me of basic needs like sleep?  Check. Extreme attention seeking, even to the point of seeming jealous of her own children?  :)ouble check.  (I have stories that can substantiate each of these points, but I will omit them for now for the sake of brevity.)

I didn’t know it at the time, but I was becoming depressed in a clinical sense.  When I finally went to see my counselor and started describing what my life had become,  I was in a very dark place.  I was so immersed that I didn't even know I was being driven into this pit of darkness. It sounded absurd to myself when I started saying it out loud.  If someone else had been describing themselves to me, I would have wondered why they would have put up with such behavior for such a long time, and how they didn’t crack years before.  One particular night I was feeling especially sad and exhausted , and my wife was pressing me to open up to her (somewhat angrily, because I wasn't smiling at her).  I hadn't intended to really say anything, but I couldn't help it.  All my emotions came flooding out, and I told her about all the things that were making me unhappy in our relationship.  When it was all over,  I told her that I had had enough, and I didn't want to be married anymore.

That went over just about as well as you might expect.  To make a long, painful, tear-filled story short, she threatened suicide.  I had no idea how to handle it. I was in shambles myself, and the idea of trying to explain to our children how and why their mother had done away with herself was too much for me to bear. I said and did what I had to so that I could keep her alive through the night. The following day she went to see a crisis counselor.  I went to see my doctor and I have been taking antidepressants ever since.

In the meantime, things have stabilized somewhat. I am still living in the same house. We have begun couples counseling, not really because I want to salvage the marriage, but because I am hoping that the counselor can get us to a point where we can split on amicable terms.  My wife believes that the result of counseling is that we will be stronger than ever, but I have told her that is not the future I want. I agree that staying together for the children would be staying for the wrong reason,  but I still worry about the impact our split will have on them.  Financially we will likely also suffer; I am not concerned for myself in that respect, but I do not want to put my children in a place where they will have to give up their home.  I don't believe that 'staying together for the children' is the right thing to do, but the effect of our (potential) split weighs very heavily on me.

To address one of your points, I would like to say that I do indeed empathize with my wife's perspective. I understand that she is worried and fearful about our relationship, with good reason.  To be fair to her, she is making an effort to be less demanding and more attentive to my needs. However, I have a very difficult time overlooking the fact that it took me essentially having a nervous breakdown and asserting my intention to leave to get her to stop treating me like a robot butler. I have a difficult time trusting that she is being genuine and not just 'charming' me back in. Ultimately if I stay, even if things improve, I don't know how I'm supposed to look at myself in the mirror and accept that I've allowed someone to hurt me so much, someone that was supposed to love me and care for me, and I've stayed to allow them to potentially hurt me even further?  I know that I'm not perfect, and I've brought my own issues into the relationship. I've allowed things to happen.  Obviously it wasn't all bad; my wife is a kind and generous person, intelligent and good at her work, and she cares deeply for our children.  Hence the reasons why I'm conflicted - I could stay in my comfortable, yet self-destructive rut, with someone who might possibly change for the better (but I have sincere doubts), or I could break out - but I'm afraid that I will be jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire, perhaps dragging my kids with me.

I am a sad, broken man, and I have no idea what to do.

[formflier]

It appears to me that you are much further along the path to a healthy life, than many people that find their way to this site.
I'm very heartened to see that you understand the dynamic revolves around what you allow.

The reason I'm heartened by this is you control... 100%... .what you allow.  Your wife controls 100% what she asks for... .or demands.

You are NOT responsible... .at all... .for what she asks for and she is not responsible for what you allow.

BOUNDARIES... .!

I'm going to challenge you to be pragmatic.  Evaluate if there are more choices than stay or go.

Can you stay and break out of the rut at the same time?


FF

  I've allowed someone to hurt me so much

I've allowed things to happen.  


I could break out

 I have no idea what to do.

[Hurtandconfused]

I understand what you're driving at... .  it's easy to take on the BPD way of splitting with respect to thoughts - black or white, stay or go... .but I do know that there can be more choices.

I appreciate that you've challenged me this way, and I have considered this carefully.  However, to answer your question, I believe the answer is no, I can't break out of my rut unless I leave the relationship.

Like I said, I agree that I am not perfect, and I have allowed much of what's happened.  I feel bad about that, and I am struggling to not be so hard on myself.  Given my awareness though, I also know that while I have allowed things to happen as they have, that doesn't mean I have kept completely quiet either.  In fact, I can think of many instances where I have pushed back, but I have either faced negative consequences, or I have been able to see that any pushback that is less than my stated intention to leave is simply ineffective.

As an example to illustrate the point, there was an instance in the recent past where wife and I had a bit of an argument - in the time shortly prior to my seeking counseling - and it lasted for more than a day.  The topic isn't really relevant; the upshot is that I said some innocent thing wrong to which she took great offense.  Once she had finally cooled off and were were reconciling, I was sitting on the sofa, while she was sitting in a separate chair.  She stood up and came to stand near me, but it wasn't clear with respect to her intention; she was looking in the direction of the television, and she often stands while watching tv to get steps for her activity tracker.  After she stood there for a moment, she finally, angrily, said, "I'm standing here.  Aren't you going to stand up and give me a proper hug?"  As I got to my feet and embraced her, she muttered, "Geez, you can't be that stupid, can you?"

I was taken aback.  She has called me names before - for example, her pet name for me was "Piggy" for a number of years - but the venom this time was palpable.  After a brief pause, I simply said, "I don't like when you call me names."  In my opinion, this was an excellent opportunity for her to apologize.  Or even explain perhaps that she was speaking out of anger, in the heat of the moment.

Her actual response?  "You shouldn't make me."

I'm reading over what I just typed.  It stings.  I know that I could have pushed back even more, perhaps yelling or screaming, or calling her names as well.  I didn't.  Yes, I could have done things differently, but I am not convinced at all that it would have had an impact on her.  The only thing that has gotten her attention after all this time is me hitting the breaking point.

She can't help it - she's just wired that way.  Our couples counselor told wife that in order for her to communicate effectively with me, she will have to stop overwhelming me by "processing externally" (i.e. babbling her stream of consciousness of whatever's on her mind in my direction).  That hasn't happened, I can assure you, despite wife being aware of it.  There's still a regular litany of complaints of various ailments (most imaginary, some real but exaggerated; "Look at this rash.  I know you've already looked at it fifty times and the doctor told me this afternoon that it's just a heat rash, but do you think it's cancer?", run-forever stories about her work, complaints about how the children never clean up after themselves, etc., etc.  Often she waits until late at night for the big stuff - on the night of Father's Day, she started around midnight and had me up until around 2:30 am (we both had to work the next day), finally ending with more suicide threats - and that was with me refusing to engage it, just listening to her poke, prod and taunt me.  She admitted later that she knew she was going completely against what the counselor had told her, but she couldn't stop herself!  I am not convinced that she can learn and change enough to make our life together tolerable.  The boundary that I have to set is to stop engaging with the behaviour, which I realize is a difficulty for me, and therefore getting distance from it is the only way to enforce it.

I guess in a way I am answering my own question with respect to what I need to/have to/should do... .  it's just a very difficult reality to face.