do we (the Non's) have this in common?

[truthbeknown]

After a week to myself and healing from the wounds of the the borderline breakup saga, I got to thinking about different traits that I have as a Non who attaches with BPD women.   Instead of asking "why" did this happen? I started to explore, "what did I not get as a child that these women were givng me in the beginning of the r/s?" 

The common denominator for me was approval.  In the beginning, they all gave me glowing reviews. From being on this forum for awhile, I realize this Idealization phase is what is so intoxicating for so many of us.  So for me I realized that I never have gotten the emotional stamp of approval from my mother in my life.  As much as i have tried, nothing has been able to evoke that from her.  Right now I have her pity but I don't think i have her approval.  Meanwhile, my brother can do no wrong and he doesn't even care about her approval but she gives it freely and treats him like Numero uno no matter what happens to him.   

The gal that I was going out with has a mom who she doesn't get approval from either.  I thought that we could love each other through it but I'm realizing during this detachment phase that the wound of not getting approval from a parent figure can overshadow all the love someone else gives us.  I realized for me that even my wonderful and supportive friends would tell me "don't beat up on yourself, you're doing the best that you can."  but i would think in my mind how inadequate I was etc during this time of struggle for me.   So I believe that it has to do with the centralized wound- I wanted to hear that from my Mom and so even though it is sweet that my friends tell me this- somewhere there is something missing.   I think that my ex BPD r/s had this trait going to.  So even though I was supportive and loving to her she is not getting it from who she really needs or wants it from and therefore is rejecting my version of it. 

So my question to all the Non's out there:  how many of you had a parent who didn't give you the stamp of approval that you were looking for?  they may have "loved" you but they didn't show you that they approved of you.  thanks for chiming in.

[5xFive]

✋
Me right here. Very much loved by my parents, never approved.

[NotOverHer]

From my dad: Fully loved and fully approved.
From my mom: Fully loved and usually, but not always, approved.

In other words, my mom approved when I did things in line with her thinking, but did not approve when I did things that were not. Whereas my dad approved regardless. Interesting, because I never actually thought about this until you brought up the question.

Another interesting question about what we Nons might have in common: How many of us would consider ourselves "Nice guys" (or gals)? By that I mean that we are nice and respectful to others, don't need to assert our authority, or be condescending on others, because we are secure with who we are (yes, we lose that secure feeling at the discard stage, but we do get it back). How many of use are considered to be nicer than the average person by our friends and acquaintances. It would be very interesting to see how many of us fit that mold.

[truthbeknown]

As far as "considered nice" my partners with traits are seen as very nice and considerate people to everyone on the outside. That's what makes it harder for me- the split personas. Because my partners are considered "cute or lovable" to those they arent close with- nobody can imagine the damage or pain that they can inflict

[roberto516]

As far as "considered nice" my partners with traits are seen as very nice and considerate people to everyone on the outside. That's what makes it harder for me- the split personas. Because my partners are considered "cute or lovable" to those they arent close with- nobody can imagine the damage or pain that they can inflict

Very true. When I finally broke and spoke to some coworkers, who used to work with her too, they were stunned. Absolutely floored.

And I agree with the post in general.

Dad: Loving, would chop off his arm if it meant I could save mine, etc. But growing up? Very little praise but always heard about a bad grade/bad performance in sports, etc.

Mom: Loving, would chop off her leg if it meant i could save mine, etc. But very up and down with her mood. I know realize, after moving back in after the breakup, how I walk on egg shells around her. She is so frustrated easily and gets to mad so quickly.

Both of them love me but have never told me so. Actually, after this relationship I finally poured my heart out to my dad and we had a lot of heart to heart discussions. If anything, the fact that I can now confide in him has been a huge plus from all this.

I still remember after the breakup I drove to Georgia for a hiking trip I had planned. Once I got there I realized it was a bad idea as I felt so lonely. I texted him that and he said "You didn't make a mistake. Me and your mother are so proud of you." I cried on the hike. A grown man crying at that.

But yes, those traits, combined with me becoming my mom's best buddy in high school and helping her around the house when my father wouldn't really reinforced in me that any woman I was with would be treated like they deserved. The only mistake was that those traits really attract people who are more the "Takers" in a relationship. And it also created frustration when I would feel hurt by my ex. Granted, she did do and say things that showed complete disregard for my feelings but I felt it 1000 times more.

It was only when my grandpop died and I knew that I couldn't be the caretaker anymore and that I desperately needed her support (which I did communicate) and nothing really happened that I knew I had had enough.

[40days_in_desert]

Mom was very supportive and approving. Never heard my father say that he was proud of me until I was about 40 years old. Bring home nearly perfect report card and I would hear, "why didn't you get all A's?" My x's idealization made me feel good at the time. Played right into my issue of never having affirmation from my father.

[SWLSR]

My parents havery both passed away.  They made some mistakes as parents but I can't really blame them for my ex wife and her BPD issues.  We the nons were just unlucky.   Having said that it is a good thing to see what could have caused us to get here.  Because a reactionship with a BPD is a dark place and I don't want to go back there.

[Gemsforeyes]

GOD forgive me for saying this... .really selfish mom who everyone is in LOVE with!  Doesn't listen to a word I say and never has (I'm not alone in this, she doesn't listen to my sister either).  She does listen to my brother.  When I was constantly molested at age 6-7 by my best friends' father, and my parents finally found out, my dad ran out to buy a gun to kill him.  Luckily the police stopped my dad (but didn't arrest him).  The topic was NEVER discussed.  EVER.

When I was 23, my sister and I were talking and she was floored to learn that I remembered what Mr. G. had done.  She said mom and dad don't think you remember.  I told her "I wasn't a baby, I was 6 years old".

My dad died too young, when he was 61 and I was 34.   I think he understood me better than anyone, but he worked too much.  We became friends when I was an adult and he tried to know me as an adult.

My mom engages in a lot of "shoulda, coulda, wouldas", which is so empty... .but she's too old to point out how painful that's been to me.  And I need to understand that SHE probably has her own reasons for avoiding all conflicts, difficult topics and my pain.  Bygones... .just have to release it.

[jody452]

I think approval is a BIG thing and with me she made me feel like i was enough that she truly loved me for me. Plus the fact that she was such a mess and needed me to save her i guess was a draw card.

Its insane even now 4 months after we have broken up. I still want to see her as two different people
1. this caring loving woman that was/is the love of my life
2. this nasty lying cheating manipulative person that she (as in 1) cant control

I know she has very little control over her emotions but i think i am starting to realize that she had choice over her decisions, she didn't have to lie to me, or cheat on me. She could of pulled instead of pushed. Yet I guess that would mean she had to face herself and pushing me away is easier.

I have not been able to go no contact, yet talking to her kills me to as its still that push/pull.

I'm still trying to work out why I cant let her go? Anyone suffered the same thing? Why is letting go of someone who hurt us so bad?

[truthbeknown]

I have not been able to go no contact, yet talking to her kills me to as its still that push/pull.

I'm still trying to work out why I cant let her go? Anyone suffered the same thing? Why is letting go of someone who hurt us so bad?

Jody:
I have been reading a book called PsychopathFree and even though it is stuff I already conceptually know somehow it has been validating to read it.  So first, I'll tell you there is still a part of me that is waiting for the "good girl" that I fell for to come back.  In the book, the author mentions how this type of personality keeps you dangling by little things that they do up until the end.  Either they keep you in "submissive mode" or if you protest and stand up for yourself then they celebrate by using that information to prove how crazy you are to their new targets.  Mine contacted me on her birthday- I had decided not to contact her anymore bc of how she treated me leading up to her bday.  My stepdad passed away on her bday and she read my fb post and contacted me on that Sunday.  
The last text that she sent me seemed like the "old" gf that I knew. She even included a little good night saying in her native language that I had first grown so fond of and then she taken away from me leading up to this (as well as taking access to her family away from me).   Seeing that gave me hope that there is still some good in her (I feel like Luke Skywalker now).
The book says that this is how they hook us and it is deliberate and it is a form of torture.  I don't know about that but I know it feels like torture because I start to believe that she might turn back to the old person that i had met.  I think that is why some of us struggle to go No Contact.  Some fragment of hope I suppose and that fact that some of them give us the bait?  If she does contact me again, I don't know if I can go on with this game.  It reminds me of the movie (50 shades of gray).  

I never intended on watching it but while traveling it was on the tube a few weeks ago.  It got me to realize that she may be like the man in that movie and think that love is about control and about inflicting pain/ Dominant and submissive.   Anyway, I decided that I don't want to subconsciously agree to be the submissive anymore.  I think at one point I somehow gave my power away thinking that i could keep her love or get her love.  I doesn't work but in the movie I learned that the character was purposefully and pathologically doing what he was doing to control her.  Being nice and then taking it away.  I need to get off the merry go round and I hope that you can too.

[truthbeknown]

GOD forgive me for saying this... .really selfish mom who everyone is in LOVE with!  Doesn't listen to a word I say and never has (I'm not alone in this, she doesn't listen to my sister either).  She does listen to my brother. 

My dad died too young, when he was 61 and I was 34.   I think he understood me better than anyone, but he worked too much.  We became friends when I was an adult and he tried to know me as an adult.

My mom engages in a lot of "shoulda, coulda, wouldas", which is so empty... .but she's too old to point out how painful that's been to me.  And I need to understand that SHE probably has her own reasons for avoiding all conflicts, difficult topics and my pain.  Bygones... .just have to release it.

Gems:  the gal that I was in r/s with is like two people (her mom and her dad).  When i met her she was like her dad- very loving and happy and kind to people.  When she got off the meds she turned into her mom who is very Narcissistic and paranoid.   Most everybody that knows her superficially thinks she is the sweetest most caring person and kind and funny and cute.  But she started having constant drama with her ex and at work and by the time the r/s had deteriorated she was starting to throw her friends under the bus and start hanging out with new dysfunctional friends.  Anyway, My Mom was always very sweet and social to everyone else except us.  The mask must have been familiar with this gal? 

[Gemsforeyes]

I wonder, Truthbeknown, I really do... .and maybe this will be the topic of my very first thread, but since I found out about BPD in mid-May, my tiny little world has been kind of shaken on its head.  Really more in the last few weeks.

On the one hand, there are most certainly some explanations for behaviors I've encountered in more than one relationship.  But on the other hand, I am doing a DEEP dive into myself.  And I don't know whether it's good for me, or if I'm waking my sleeping "monster" at the spry young age of 59.

I definitely have a MUCH better idea as to why boyfriends dating back to the 1980's keep trying to contact me.  I don't think it's my magic touch!  My friends have always marveled at the fact that my old boyfriends never really let me go.  But I digress, sorry.

What I'm wondering... .is in this learning process, are you discovering things about yourself that may be a little too painful to completely unearth?  They've just been buried for so so long... .

I guess this could apply to anyone, but more likely friends here who are over 40 maybe?

I don't know anything... .

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes