BPD ex gf stated yesterday that she's bad ?

[Depression = 72% of members]

 Just wondering has anyone else experienced your BPD ex telling you flat out
that they are "Bad"?

I have been broken up for around 3/4 months now from my BPD ex gf and I think this might have been an attempt at a recycle. I did not buy into it  this time... .however, I did sit and listen to her speak. In the middle of her speech she looks deeply in my eyes and said"Why did you like me so much... ."I am Bad". I said "you do bad things like cheating,lying,mentally abusing me. I said "you even put your hands on me". But I tried to console her saying "You are good somewhere in you... .I know it". Then I proceeded to ask her why she keeps contacting me and why she likes me if she's so bad. Her answer was because "You are good! I felt like I was talking to a child. What adult speaks like this? And yes I know they are perpetually little kids in disguise. But this craziness as much as I study it... .keeps me coming back with questions upon questions. My mind can't deal with this nutty behavior.


Boy was I being the typical EMPATHETIC Co-DEPENDANT! I can't believe I tried to console her.  

[WoundedOne]

 Just wondering has anyone else experienced your BPD ex telling you flat out
that they are "Bad"?

I have been broken up for around 3/4 months now from my BPD ex gf and I think this might have been an attempt at a recycle. I did not buy into it  this time... .however, I did sit and listen to her speak. In the middle of her speech she looks deeply in my eyes and said"Why did you like me so much... ."I am Bad". I said "you do bad things like cheating,lying,mentally abusing me. I said "you even put your hands on me". But I tried to console her saying "You are good somewhere in you... .I know it". Then I proceeded to ask her why she keeps contacting me and why she likes me if she's so bad. Her answer was because "You are good! I felt like I was talking to a child. What adult speaks like this? And yes I know they are perpetually little kids in disguise. But this craziness as much as I study it... .keeps me coming back with questions upon questions. My mind can't deal with this nutty behavior.


Boy was I being the typical EMPATHETIC Co-DEPENDANT! I can't believe I tried to console her.  

[once removed]

hi WoundedOne,

people with BPD, generally speaking, have low self esteem, and indeed often see themselves as "bad". its a world view, part of a belief system. its not so crazy in that context, there are people that are not BPD who believe they are bad people.

here are 20 additional common beliefs: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=67059.msg644937#msg644937

in other words, you cant convince these long held belief systems away. when someone truly believes these things about themselves, suggestions to the contrary are very foreign, may even in some cases come off as insincere.

how did it make you feel to hear her say this?

[Mutt]

Hi Wounded One,

You are good somewhere in you... .I know it".

You are right, we have good and bad qualities, a pwBPD have a difficult time seeing the grey area, you're either all good or all bad, pwBPD split not only others, they split themselves black or white too. I think that's what she's expressing, she can't integrate the good and bad at the same time.

[Herodias]

Yes, we want to believe there is good in there. We saw it at one time. My ex called himself an evil devil. I wouldn't even bother trying to make him feel different at this point. It's that old, your not a bad person, your actions are bad. They don't get it. His Mother told him I love you but I don't like what you do.  They need help we can't give them. We all have learned you cannot love someone into being healthy.

[Stripey77]

It's not just indicative in the things my ex has said to me; it's there in the way he treats himself as well. I think that thinking of themselves as unloveable, bad, or even evil, is a very common trait and as others have said, it's linked to low self worth. I actually think there's a difference between self esteem and self worth... .and the self worth is really about what you believe, deep down inside of you,  that you deserve or are worth as a person. With many of our exes, I am sure that, tragically, somebody 'got' to them in their formative years to drive into them these beliefs. Someone told them, maybe as very small children, what nasty horrible people they were. Self esteem, I think, is more linked to outward traits that we can see - physical beauty, physical abilities (i.e. things we know we're good at.) This is just my take on it, but drawing on my conversations with my own ex: he knows very well all the things he's good at it, and he isn't lacking in confidence/self esteem about it (e.g.playing football, running his business, the way he drives.) And yet he doesn't exactly take care very much of his outward appearance, often dressing like a dishevelled teenager, and don't even go there with the state of his house. Many, many times I have seen his bed even without sheets on it. This isn't just someone who is a bit of a slob/lazy... .I have so often wondered why someone wouldn't love themselves enough to put a sheets on their bed. Or clean their home so that it's a pleasure to come home to rather than looking like a health hazard.

My ex has a deep, deep hatred for the Church and religion in general (I think there's a clue in there somewhere.) He has told me in lucid moments, effectively to get out and save myself or what a bad person he is. There have been numerous references to 'the darkness'.  When I've asked him to tell me what he's talking about and to open up to me because I won't leave him, he's clammed up, dismissed it as a joke. I believe my ex numbs the inner pain with the copious amounts of alcohol he drinks.  My ex is extremely beautiful. When he's not drunk, that is, or looking like Kevin the teenager (a British comedy show character.) Not that he's vain about his looks, although he could be. He HAS told me the following:

"You should forget me and hate me"

"I don't deserve it"

"I can't wear it" (a present I gave him) "because of the way I've treated you"

"I've got a very dark side. No, I have, a dark side, believe me" (I didn't believe him, this was in the early early days and I didn't know what he was talking about. I believe him now.)

"The darkness took over my brain" (and made him do the things he did to me)

And on one social media account, heartbreakingly, my ex has described himself as "bad to the bone" and claims he's going to hell. He is also pretty tied up with death metal, and all the ridiculous allusions to the devil, hell, and death that go with it. Which came first, the music or the self hatred? I'm pretty sure it's the latter.

[vanx]

Yes, many times I heard such statements. When she dumped me and I was trying to understand what happened/find closure, she told me I was nice and she wasn't/she was bad and damaged.

It reminds me of most of our communication problems during our time together--it's a statement that left me nothing to work with. I think you're right in your line of thinking that there's not much you could do to change her beliefs. I felt pretty empathetic too--still do. I know for me, my low self-esteem leads me to be hard on myself. For my ex, she was somewhat disgusted by my insecurities, and I feel used them against me, although it was really in retaliation of her disgust with her own self. I am not an expert at all, just a lot on my mind tonight and your post struck a chord with me. I will say to my mind, the "I'm bad" statement is a substitute for taking personal responsibility for one's behavior. I think that's the main issue really. For my ex, it seemed almost easier for her to simply say she was broken than to allow herself to be vulnerable about something specific to repair relationally.