I want to contact him. Im reeling in loneliness.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Im feeling a little ucky right now.  I want to contact him, feels like withdrawals? Im reeling in loneliness and I'm angry at myself for feeling so desperate the past few days and doing drive by's etc. How is it, He MOVES ON! and I'm unable to get on with living! I play out seeing him and all I can do is cringe at the pain it would bring! So why do I still crave the illusion of Him becoming the "knight in shining armor" and becoming the man He sold me on in the beginning.  I hate these thoughts... .just torturing myself... .but I don't know what to put in its place that will result in my becoming ?undamaged whole, or ok in my own skin again! We've done the recycling most of the last year, a little under half the relationship. Its clearly over, and needed to be. He shed me like dead skin when he finally quit his after midnight 1/2 drunken appearances at my doorstep... .they were too many to count. Seems he always wanted my attention after midnight! I believe he has replaced me. Well He stated in the last appearance in a rage that He'd been on a date, and she was HOT, and she thinks I'm HOT! You know why? Because I am HOT! You think nobody will ever want me! Well SHE DOES. Iv'e never said any thing like that, and I know it's His own fears & insecurity that raged at me. I also know without help he wont change. Here i have found the answers to the craziness and very very painful, bewildering and erratic behaviors. He is most definitely BPD right down to a teenage misdiagnosis of bipolar. Ok I'm feeling a bit better now. Anybody have any creative solutions (#4 creative action of detachment) to help me reach out to real people? Im soo lonely, and alone now 99.5% of the time. I used to be very involved in all kinds of activities, and had rich relationships that filled me and gave me some purpose.  Seems I'm afraid and have completely forgotten how to meet people and function.  My confidence in myself is at an all time 52year low. I've never felt so insecure.  I need ideas! Simple ideas who what where HOW to begin living again. HELP SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN THERE!    

[byourself]

Im feeling a little ucky right now.  I want to contact him, feels like withdrawals? Im reeling in loneliness and I'm angry at myself for feeling so desperate the past few days and doing drive by's etc. How is it, He MOVES ON! and I'm unable to get on with living! I play out seeing him and all I can do is cringe at the pain it would bring! So why do I still crave the illusion of Him becoming the "knight in shining armor" and becoming the man He sold me on in the beginning.  I hate these thoughts... .just torturing myself... .but I don't know what to put in its place that will result in my becoming ?undamaged whole, or ok in my own skin again! We've done the recycling most of the last year, a little under half the relationship. Its clearly over, and needed to be. He shed me like dead skin when he finally quit his after midnight 1/2 drunken appearances at my doorstep... .they were too many to count. Seems he always wanted my attention after midnight! I believe he has replaced me. Well He stated in the last appearance in a rage that He'd been on a date, and she was HOT, and she thinks I'm HOT! You know why? Because I am HOT! You think nobody will ever want me! Well SHE DOES. Iv'e never said any thing like that, and I know it's His own fears & insecurity that raged at me. I also know without help he wont change. Here i have found the answers to the craziness and very very painful, bewildering and erratic behaviors. He is most definitely BPD right down to a teenage misdiagnosis of bipolar. Ok I'm feeling a bit better now. Anybody have any creative solutions (#4 creative action of detachment) to help me reach out to real people? Im soo lonely, and alone now 99.5% of the time. I used to be very involved in all kinds of activities, and had rich relationships that filled me and gave me some purpose.  Seems I'm afraid and have completely forgotten how to meet people and function.  My confidence in myself is at an all time 52year low. I've never felt so insecure.  I need ideas! Simple ideas who what where HOW to begin living again. HELP SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN THERE!    

[ShadowA]

Getting over an BPD is not an easy feat.

It's a hard journey.


Best thing to do, if you have the motivation to do it...
Is to basically hang out with friends.
Eat normally, as if you're not depressed.
Do whatever events you can and get yourself occupied.
Realize that it'll be a long journey of getting over.

Realize that it's okay to be confused, and you may never understand as BPD's are capable of reinventing history and you'll never be able to fully 100% understand things logically. Even when there is a epiphany, eureka, or a great insight... .
You'll only be wow'd by more confusion around the corner.

Once you come to terms that the person you love may have a distorted reality. That only they can fix... .
Then you'll reach acceptance.
Once you reach acceptance, You'll still feel sad for a long time to come.

But one day, as they say, time does heal all wounds.
You'll learn to live with it, or learn to beat it. Either way you'll be okay.


Also, just to say. BPD people are master manipulators, even to themselves which is the result of distortion.  The sad part about it all is because there is usually some trauma in their past.  So although they seem smuck, and non caring (and they usually are to an extent due to black and white thinking). They are deep down actually pretty broken individuals...
But if you try to save them, they will drown you too. Sadly... .


Oh and another thing. It's not over til you say it's over. If you're their favorite person, they will continue to play with you until the end of time until you had enough.  It's pretty rare imo, that they disappear completely... Even when it seems improbable otherwise.

[byourself]

thank you. that helped. I moved back to my hometown after 23years away, as a result of trying to end the relationship, thinking I'd have a fresh new start and bounce back to "myself". Myself being ok in my own skin, especially proud of 1 character I'd been blessed with (I don't chameleon) ... meaning I don't change... .my openness to life, things I say, do, no matter who I'm with. I am... .was me around all people.  (I) LOST that special core part of me, to fear and insecurity and doubting who I am, and questioning myself "am I" "did I/Don't I"... .It feels gone. I feel broken to the point of not leaving my apartment much.  Moved in last Oct. and still have not had the courage and truly have FORGOTTEN how to be social, meet others, make friends, do anything fun or find another to do things with. My little family (mom,dad,1sis,1bro)doesn't understand what is WRONG with me!  Neither would they understand that I'm grieving over something they called toxic shortly after it began, and did NOT understand me staying in for over two years.  I know I NEED help, but I don't know where or how to meet people anymore? any basic suggestions? 

[byourself]

Thanks! The journey as you called it, makes sense.  tho I think I may have accidently purchased a 1way ticket! |iiiiI moved back to my hometown after 23years away, as a result of trying to end the relationship, thinking I'd have a fresh new start and bounce back to "myself". Myself being ok in my own skin, especially proud of 1 character I'd been blessed with (I don't chameleon) ... meaning I don't change... .my openness to life, things I say, do, no matter who I'm with. I am... .was me around all people.  (I) LOST that special core part of me, to fear and insecurity and doubting who I am, and questioning myself "am I" "did I/Don't I"... .It feels gone. I feel broken to the point of not leaving my apartment much.  Moved in last Oct. and still have not had the courage and truly have FORGOTTEN how to be social, meet others, make friends, do anything fun or find another to do things with. My little family (mom,dad,1sis,1bro)doesn't understand what is WRONG with me!  Neither would they understand that I'm grieving over something they called toxic shortly after it began, and did NOT understand me staying in for over two years.  I know I NEED help, but I don't know where or how to meet people anymore? any basic suggestions? 
[/quote]

[Lucky Jim]

Hey byyourself,  Theseus emerged from the Cave of the Minotaur by following the thread he unspooled on his way into the Labyrinth.  In similar fashion, I would suggest that the way out of the BPD Cave involves returning to the "threads" of one's life, which lead out of the maze.  In other words, start with yourself, by striving for authenticity.  Notice the little things indicating small desires -- what you really like and enjoy.  Be yourself.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Be aware when you some across a "golden thread," and then follow it to see where it leads.

LuckyJim

[JQ]

Hey by yourself,

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard time adjusting ... .but know that things are going to get better ... .there are a few of us here that are proof of that. As ShadowA points out ... .the journey of detaching from a BPD is a hard journey ... .IT'S NOT AN IMPOSSIBLE JOURNEY !  And this is YOUR BPD journey ... .we can't tell you what path to take ... .but what WE the group can do for you is be there when you stumble on your journey AND we will be there ... .and yes you will stumble ... .I know this because we all have. When your stumble on your journey & your sitting on the ground wondering what to do ... .that you can't make it ... .come back to the group. We'll be here, we'll pick you up, dust you off & pat you on the butt & tell you to get moving.

Now you can stay on the path you're currently on and see how that's going to continue to work out for you. Or you can take that path to the right & see where that leads you. Or you can sit right back down and do nothing ... .the CHOICE is YOURS ... .it is NOW & ALWAYS has been YOURS to make.     Seek out & find a good therapist that is well versed in BPD vs NON r/s to help you through things ... .it's one of the important key's on your journey.  They'll help you look inward, help you understand why you are attracted to such very broken people.  Read a "The Human Magnet Syndrome" ... .it'll help you understand the dysfunctional attraction of a BPD vs NON r/s.  And that therapist will help you really understand that someone with BPD has a Very Serious Cluster B Mental Illness that is beyond modern medicine, pharma to repair.

And I would like to expand on ShadowA idea if I may ... .YOU have to get up and live YOUR life~! I know it's tough ... .I ... .hell we've all been there.  So here are some ideas for you ... .

Tomorrow I want you to start your day off new with the sunrise !  There is someplace close if not your patio, back yard, deck to watch the sun come up right? So you get your favorite wake up juice, coffee, tea, Monster, Pepsi ... .whatever ... .take a couple of them with you. Get to the spot 15 minutes before the Sun is scheduled to rise ... .get there when it's still dark & you can see the stars ... .20 minutes should do it. This is your 1st homework assignment ... .    You can come back & tell us your experience.

Look up at the stars ... .the dark background they twinkle against & think ... .Imagine the possibilities of what & who are really out there. Then watch the sky start to turn colors from the black background, the stars starting to fade as the sun starts the new day. The wisps of pink, then the orange ... .watch the sky slowly turn blue ... .getting brighter by the second. Take a moment and listen to nature waking up ... .the birds starting to sing, the city starting to wake up ... .watch & listen as if it was the first time ... .then smile    You would be surprised how many people don't take time out of their life to do this one simple thing that has such a HUGE impact on your soul ... .it's an amazing thing that takes a few minutes but will leave memories for a lifetime    I do it several times a week ... .it truly is an amazing thing to watch every time.

Next I want you to plan to walk a mile ... .it doesn't take that long ... .really. Even at a really slow pace you can walk a mile in 15-20 minutes. Imagine that for a moment ... .you could walk 3 miles in an hour. This does a couple of things for you, it burns up the empty calories you've been eating, it reduces the stress in your body that has been raging havoc on you. If you do it after work listen to the kids laughing, listen to nature, appreciate the smell of cut grass, the simple pleasure of admiring flowers & the color they share with everyone. So lay out some walking cloths on your bed, come home from work, change & get walking before dinner ... .

That brings me to the next thing ... .eat better than you have ... .yep been there too. Fix a salad, listen to some UPBEAT music while you cut the tomatoes, carrots, celery, red onion, red cabbage ... .invite a friend over to have dinner with ... .watch something funny on tv ... .

Which brings me to the next thing to help you & ShadowA mentions it too. GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE~!  Invite a few friends to go to a comedy club ... .laugh ... .go see a funny movie ... .even Despicable me 3 ... .cartoons are great for adults too.  The important thing is to laugh~!  Laugh out loud & laugh often~!  Laughter is the BEST thing to do to heal your mind, body & soul. 

I've been where you've been ... .I & others speak from experience ... .this will help you along your journey ... .it won't be easy ... .you will stumble but as each day passes & you enjoy more sunrises ... .more sunsets with a glass of wine ... .more exercise ... .soon you'll be up to 4 miles ... .than 5 miles. You'll be laughing your butt off at the comedy clubs & funny movies. It will get better ... .

Then watch a couple of these video's to help put things in perspective ... .I had a buddy send them both to me to help me ... .so I pass them on to you & others to help ... .

And know that you are an amazing, caring, loving person ... .you have friends here in the group ... .we understand better than most about BPD vs NON r/s and how challenging it can be to live your life afterwards ... .BUT it's not impossible ... .Things WILL get better & YOU will be that person you want to be again~! You need to finally take care of yourself ... .it's long overdue. Take all that energy, effort, love & attention & turn it inward on yourself.  Learn to like yourself, learn to love yourself, learn to live YOUR life for YOU~! 

J
Watch these as often as you need to ... .

The most important life lesson i've ever learned is this ... .sometime people leave ... .sometime unexpected ... .take a deep breath ... .morn the loss ... .and start living again ! 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsIYlgrov3k&t=110s

Even the most confident & motivated people will need a helping hand sometime in their life ... .
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZQeMv5PXhg

[byourself]

REVENGE ON BPD. WANTING TO! HELP

[Idsrvt2]

What do you mean by this?  If you mean revenge on your x, you can never get that... .they have already beaten you to the punch . They have themselves covered snd then some. Plus they feed on drama.
Read my latest post on what I found out about my x.

I could have written your original post above... I feel the same way.  I feel lost, I have no real friends, I text people , but no one I can go out with.  My one friend blew me off tonite ...
I have a NPD I met after my x trying to contact me and I'm avoiding him... .itsblike he knows when I'm sad about my x.

I may actually start writing.
Tonight I went on social media and did some live streaming it helps to vent... I felt better .
My x has not fully left as he delivers my mail... .just picture how hard it is for me to not talk to him... .well I had to due to an issue a few weeks back and he barely spoke.
I've found an unlikely source of comfort in his coworker who he has treated similar to me.
Every day I struggle with NC and he sthe first thought on my mind. 

I've been thought of revenge so much... .it won't work they are so used to trauma and surviving .

Keep posting here ... .I post often ... it helps keep me sane

REVENGE ON BPD. WANTING TO! HELP

[happendtome]

Hi Byourself,

I feel myself stuck like you probably do. I dont think i want my ex back, but im depressed that i have been so easily manipulated. I feel shame. And i feel i cant trust people anymore.

Idsrvt2 is also right on that that you cant get revenge easily. But they will mess their life themselves, one day.

[Pinksunset]

By Yourself:

I just want you to know you're not alone.  My exBPD boyfriend/fiancé broke up with me a month ago.  We've been in contact but he recently said he doesn't want any more contact.  I don't know how I'm going to handle this. 

I think it's normal to feel revenge-the way I look at it, perhaps you're moving through stages and starting to reach the anger phase.  I don't advocate taking any revenge but it shows maybe that you're starting to think of yourself and all of the hurt he put you through.

I need to reach that phase.  I'm co-dependent and all I can do is worry about him.  But what about me?  I just feel like a loser because even he doesn't want me.  He's made me feel bad for years, and now I believe it.

And I'm 52 years old (you too?) and the thought of starting over myself scares the hell out of me.

[byourself]

please help... .comment on my feelings   id like to give him a small dose of his own rotten medicine... .  And yes, I can take something from him that will "get" him right where he's soo sick   twisted and evil  ... .and he will never know... .it was me... .it will drive him wild... .and he deserves every rotten second of freaking out, fear,betrayal and mental torment of not knowing who... .questioning everyone and anyone... .likely accusing most... .but never knowing... .who... how... when... .! Aawww... .less mental time to focus on holy seducing my replacement for his NARC supply! vasselating stinks!

[byourself]

this am I woke up... .and Joyce Myers the televangelist was clucking on my tv that id left on. I dont usually like the tone of her messages but... .this am was on forgiveness... .and now i've vacillated from using a key he doesn't know i have to reek havoc and mayhem in his life... (i stalked last night... 1st time in my life! Saw his new girl through the window... .sitting (all by herself) and I could hear the music he was playing while stonewalling in his shop! She was texting on her phone, smoking (just like i used to do). I expected to be jealous! But I felt none... except I noted her looks were nothing special... .and thought we appeared similar... and I wondered if she was the girl a month ago he'd claimed he'd dated (but said he wasn't into sleeping with, and turned down her many sexual advances)... .LMAO! and said he'd quickly discarded her as a gf siteing he'd found out she was bi-polar... likely none of that was true! I was more curious... .and surprisingly felt empathy wondering how long she'd last as his gal. after the forgiveness sermon i got teary and emotionally vacillated to... .going to his work, and giving him the keys i have... .   I HAtE that He moves ON! BUt I am all over the map dealing with the aftermath effect on my person!

[Idsrvt2]

You sound like me, I tried to get my x far away from me and the post office wouldn't do it they allowed my x to work around me with a restraining order... .then when I thought the worst was over his bosses tried to make things even worse.

I have the power right now with what I know about him that if I found someone that would listen to get him removed for life.   
Today I go back and forth from wanting to msg him to hating not one person warned me he was so ill... .that no one inside acted and reported him... .that they all feel,so,bad... .and now that he's caused me harm it's oh I feel terrible etc.

They all have more power than I do to make certain he doesn't do what he did to me... .I had no clue what they knew none. 

Please be very careful, I would not suggest stalking as your x will call the police on you in a heartbeat ... revenge doesn't work as they have everyone fooled ... and those they didn't fool are long gone. 
Nothing they say about an x is true... nothing.   
I can't offer much advice other than don't do anything you will regret doing and can't take back.
I'm right there with you with similar feelings only I'm mad at others that did nothing and could have prevented my x from getting involved with me.

this am I woke up... .and Joyce Myers the televangelist was clucking on my tv that id left on. I dont usually like the tone of her messages but... .this am was on forgiveness... .and now i've vacillated from using a key he doesn't know i have to reek havoc and mayhem in his life... (i stalked last night... 1st time in my life! Saw his new girl through the window... .sitting (all by herself) and I could hear the music he was playing while stonewalling in his shop! She was texting on her phone, smoking (just like i used to do). I expected to be jealous! But I felt none... except I noted her looks were nothing special... .and thought we appeared similar... and I wondered if she was the girl a month ago he'd claimed he'd dated (but said he wasn't into sleeping with, and turned down her many sexual advances)... .LMAO! and said he'd quickly discarded her as a gf siteing he'd found out she was bi-polar... likely none of that was true! I was more curious... .and surprisingly felt empathy wondering how long she'd last as his gal. after the forgiveness sermon i got teary and emotionally vacillated to... .going to his work, and giving him the keys i have... .   I HAtE that He moves ON! BUt I am all over the map dealing with the aftermath effect on my person!

[Lost-love-mind]

I thought I was getting revenge through drunken texts and hurtful emails to her bringing up public and social media dirt on her ex husband's. One of the ex husband's is a well known local musician and filmmaker. He had an open affair that was published in a local entertainment mag 8 years ago. I sent it to her like a joke. Putting salt on her wounds.
Pushed her away even more. Please don't put an ex BPD through any more pain. It doesn't do anything constructive.
I'm 8 weeks + out from a mere 2 month relationship. I took a day labor job this week. Moving and sanding heavy metal cabinets.
I'm 56 years old and getting back in shape and getting a tan.
If my ex BPD pulled up today (she works right down the street) the best revenge is a tanned happy old man (she is 45) waving and saying thanks for the memories. That will push a revengefull BPD over the edge because you now have the balance of power. Clean and sober 3 days.