Tired of FEELINGS

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am fairly new to this support site. I am having so much anxiety today. I am going through a divorce and sometimes it seems like is is happening to someone else. I signed my paperwork, and feel so empty, I am also doubting myself so much. I keep going to family members to validate me, and they are very confused too. I kept a lot of secrets about my relationship, so people would not tell me to leave him. I started telling people what I going on, and they all seemed supportive. Due to the drama that has taken place and all of my dirty laundry on display, I sense they are confused as well. On one hand I need validation, on the other I feel so ashamed that I brought this upon so many people. My husband

[confused4now]

I am fairly new to this support site. I am having so much anxiety today. I am going through a divorce and sometimes it seems like is is happening to someone else. I signed my paperwork, and feel so empty, I am also doubting myself so much. I keep going to family members to validate me, and they are very confused too. I kept a lot of secrets about my relationship, so people would not tell me to leave him. I started telling people what I going on, and they all seemed supportive. Due to the drama that has taken place and all of my dirty laundry on display, I sense they are confused as well. On one hand I need validation, on the other I feel so ashamed that I brought this upon so many people. My husband

[Mutt]

Hi confused4now,

I kept a lot of secrets about my relationship, so people would not tell me to leave him.

People generally don't talk about their r/s with others because your not in their r/s that's between them and their partner. I can understand how people would give you advice to leave but it's not so black and white.

Due to the drama that has taken place and all of my dirty laundry on display, I sense they are confused as well.

I might be off but I think when you say drama you might be trying to explain to them the irrational behaviors with your pwBPD, I'm going to assume that they have not been in a r/s with a pwBPD and they're going to draw on their experience with relationships where the other person is non disordered, in that context they're going to be confused because they can't full empathize with you.

For example, when I was going through divorce people that had gone through it or had a loved one go through it could empathize with me the people that hadn't gone through just couldn't connect. I can see how that would feel like you're not getting validation.

[Lucky Jim]

On one hand I need validation, on the other I feel so ashamed that I brought this upon so many people.

Hey confused4now, I'm a little confused, too!     What is it that you "brought upon so many people?"  Why do you feel ashamed about it?  I am under the impression that, like many of us, you declined to share some negative aspects of your marriage:

I kept a lot of secrets about my relationship, so people would not tell me to leave him.

That's understandable.  I did it, too.  I covered up for my BPDxW in order to keep up a good front to the outside world.  I was also afraid to talk about being an abused husband, which seemed embarrassing.  Maybe you can relate?

Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[confused4now]

Thank you so much for the support , I know you guys are right. I want them to see my ex as I do. I would  him when they would bring up concerns about how he was treating me, then I started telling them what was going on currently. They were confused why I would keep this information from them, let alone marry him. I could not tell them the entire story. We moved to a new state and close to my sister, my husband really started acting out. He left for an entire month to party across 2 states, leaving me to work and handle all bills. I got help and was going to Al anon, I was set for divorce. He did the "I am thinking about suicide" ended up in detox and promised to get help. During this time, my family has supported me financially, emotionally, ect... .This last year has been H---.  Since the beginning of this divorce, my brother in law has been the one to talk to him. My ex tells them so many lies, I can't even believe it. This triggers me, I have NC so everyday my ex has some message for me about the divorce. It's usually a request to not destroy his stuff, or saying I stole something, asking for visitation with MY dog. It is hard to see my support be his new way to hurt me again.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi confused4now,

Could you politely ask your BIL to only relay essential messages to you and handle the rest?  Are you able to gain his understanding of the situation as it is and the impact it is having on you emotionally?  I feel if you can get him on side to support you by deflecting unnecessary or unreasonable requests, then you will feel a little easier.  Maybe he could compile the messages that are of any validity and unless time sensitive just check in with these once a week or so?  You are going through a lot already, so try to find ways to make life a little easier for yourself so that you can regain a little peace when you need it the most.  What are you doing to self soothe at the moment?

Love and light x

[Frankee]

I am fairly new to this support site. I am having so much anxiety today. I am going through a divorce and sometimes it seems like is is happening to someone else. I signed my paperwork, and feel so empty, I am also doubting myself so much. I keep going to family members to validate me, and they are very confused too. I kept a lot of secrets about my relationship, so people would not tell me to leave him. I started telling people what I going on, and they all seemed supportive. Due to the drama that has taken place and all of my dirty laundry on display, I sense they are confused as well. On one hand I need validation, on the other I feel so ashamed that I brought this upon so many people. My husband

I understand your feelings.  I haven't mentioned in my posts because it's a shameful part of my past I don't like to discuss.  I was married 8 years.  To a horrible human being.  He didn't have BPD.  None of the symptoms were there.  He intentionally enjoyed hurting others and ruining lives and abusing those he thought as less.  He didn't feel any regret except when he was caught for a horrible crime he committed and now serving time in prison for.  I went through an also very terrible divorce with a huge ugly custody battle.  My ex made my life hell going through the process.  Refused to sign papers, threatened me, harassing phone calls, blasting and defaming my name all over social media saying that I was the one to blame and he was a good dad and I refused to let him see his kid, even kidnapped my son on one of his visits for three weeks because he got mad at me when he found out I went out with some friends on the weekend my son was visiting him.  I had to get law enforcement involved to physically track him down and retrieve my 2 year old.  I am just so happy that it seems my son was too young and doesn't remember what happened or who that man was.  My ex was stripped of all contact with my son after that stunt.

I did the same thing.  Kept all the ugly little secrets of the emotional, physical abuse, infidelity, being forced into situations that made me feel disgusting afterwards.  I found the strength to leave when I had law enforcement tell me of a crime he committed, I packed my son up right away and ran to my parents.  That's when all the dark disturbing truths came out.  They didn't know how to comfort me, they just said they knew that he was no good, they blamed me for dragging them into this kind of life that they knew nothing about.  Everything I had worked so hard for came crashing down.  I lost my house, contact with his two daughters, half of my belongings I couldn't take with me, half of the people I thought were my friends left me in my time of need because they couldn't comfort me, cared enough to try to help, and just didn't want to deal with my roller coaster ride.

My life was playing out like some Lifetime Movie with drama nonstop.  It was the hardest time of my life.  Everything was destroyed, I had a handful of friends that did their best to be supportive, I disconnected from the world, I spent all my nights staying at home, trying to stave off the constant bombardment of harassment from my ex.  I didn't know how I was going to make it through in one piece.  I stopped talking about my troubles to others because I felt they were burdened.

Take this time to heal yourself.  Find the things that you enjoy doing.  For me, I did a lot of reading on self compassion, uplifting quotes, motivational speeches.  I really let the words soak in.  I found my inner strength.  My ability to tell the world... if you don't like me for me, that's not my problem.  Also, don't let anyone tell you to get over it, move on, it will be better.  They don't know your true pain and suffering.  You take the time you need to heal from this devastating event.  I didn't think I would ever make it.  You're strong.  You had the strength to get out from a bad situation.  Don't doubt yourself that you will have the strength to recover.  You found a good place to receive true understanding and support.