This time is was different... what to expect now?

[Coconut2017]

Just a week ago we were sitting on the sofa and having an exhausting conversation that lasted over 6h where my husband was telling me that I should not give up on our marriage and that we can fix it. It was after his usual rage that happens ever few weeks followed by moving to separate bedroom and giving me silent treatment for few days and me telling him that I cannot go on like this anymore. Story of my life for the last 3 years.
However, this time round the rage was different... .it was scary. It ended with him throwing his wedding ring to my face, screaming how much he hates me and pushing me towards room doors. He used to scream, shout, call me names but never got physical unlike this time. I cannot shake off the memory of the look on his face - it was evil. So much hate towards me. I have to admit, I am ashamed of it but I lost it and took off my wedding ring and threw it on the floor too. I heard him looking for it afterwards. He then proceeded to shout that I need to get out of his live and leave his flat and he does not care what happens to me.
I lived with his rages for long enough to expect him to calm down and slowly find a way back to me.
This time I don't know what to think or what to expect as this rage was much worse than I've ever seen before. I did come back from work to cooked dinner and him preparing my coffee followed by an invite to come for a dog walk, which is what usually happens after every rage. He had not said a word about what happened the night before. Neither did I avoiding any triggers.
What now? I know I should just get on with my life without trying to guess his next steps but not knowing what to expect is driving me crazy.

[formflier]

What now? 

   

I'm so sorry you experienced that. 

I'm hoping that since this experience was different... .that you will respond differently as well.  I hope that you understand you have the power to change the dynamic based solely on your choices and your actions.

As you know, it is so frustrating to have a pwBPD acting like everything is fine.  Trying to get them so see "that it's their fault" is usually a waste of energy. 

I hope you focus your energy on boundaries to protect yourself and let him choose where to spend his energy.

What would it look like for you to take responsibility for not being part of a rage?

FF

[Coconut2017]

   

I'm hoping that since this experience was different... .that you will respond differently as well.  I hope that you understand you have the power to change the dynamic based solely on your choices and your actions.

As you know, it is so frustrating to have a pwBPD acting like everything is fine.  Trying to get them so see "that it's their fault" is usually a waste of energy. 

I hope you focus your energy on boundaries to protect yourself and let him choose where to spend his energy.

What would it look like for you to take responsibility for not being part of a rage?

FF

I forgot to mention that during the day I sent him an email form work saying that I do apologise for my actions and any unkind words I used as it is not okay to behave like this in any circumstances. He replied with 'I accept your apology'... .What about his apology? Of course not. Everything is always my fault according to him.

My mum has placed a bet that although it was much worse, it's just another rage and he'll get back to telling me that 'I live only for you' kind of stuff. I don't know what to expect this time round.

Every time he starts raging, I try my best not to engage and keep reminding myself to stay calm but I am exhausted and find it impossible to stop defending myself in some way.

I think my best bet for now is to just go about with my life, be polite without engaging much and wait and see.

[formflier]

  find it impossible to stop defending myself in some way.

Hey... .I'm talking to you and just learning your story, so I'll focus on your actions/decisions.

Please think long and hard about the reasons you choose to "defend" yourself.

Then... .

Think long and hard about strategies to help change your part in this.   Personally... .the more ridiculous the "charge"... .the easier time I have "letting the accusation lay on the floor". 

I like that "visual" because it "takes work" to pick it up.  Promote laziness... .do less work... .don't pick it up.  Take the extra energy and "spend" it on self care.

Reality, there usually is a hint of truth in what they say... .or something that strikes home with us.  We are triggered and then we defend. 

I also will add to the ridiculous tales (in my head) to "preposterize" (another new FF word) what they are saying. 

"You have three ears and the sky is orange... ."

a good response would be "ohhh... ." 

Remember... .leave it on the floor.

FF 

[Lucky Jim]

it was scary. It ended with him throwing his wedding ring to my face, screaming how much he hates me and pushing me towards room doors.

Hey Coconut, I'm sorry to hear about this episode.  The abusive behavior you describe, in my view, is unacceptable.  I should know, because I accepted a lot of abuse over a 16-year marriage to a pwBPD.  Now I know better.  The place to begin, I suggest, is with yourself.  Put yourself first for a change.  Read up on Boundaries in the Tools, above.  It seems like you have been through this cycle before.  Only you will know when it's time to get off the roller coaster.

LuckyJim

[forlorn]

   


I hope you focus your energy on boundaries to protect yourself and let him choose where to spend his energy.

What would it look like for you to take responsibility for not being part of a rage?

FF

Hi, FF!  The question you asked leads me to one of my own... .How, exactly, do you do that?  The only thing I know how to do to keep from being sucked into the vortex is to leave.  And usually that's after trying everything I can to stay strong.  But once it devolves into name calling and insulting my character or my family, I feel the need to bolt.  And telling my pwBPD that I am uncomfortable with the conversation doesn't work. Nor does leaving the room or asking to continue the discussion later.  Literally, the only thing that works is for me to get in my car, lock the doors and drive to a safe place - like the parking lot at the police station or my parent's house.

Coconut - it's starting to get physical for me, too.  Having been in physically abuse relationships in the past, I feel fairly confident in telling you that it's very common for the intensity and/or severity of incidents to escalate.  I am on high alert right now. Please take care.

[formflier]

leave. 

 

You answered your own question!  Nice work!

A that's after trying everything I can to stay strong. 

While I understand the thinking... I"m going to be frank here.  It's "bassackwards" thinking that seems to have an assumption there is a certain amount of abuse/disrespect that you should "accept" or "take" before leaving.

Do I have that right?

Try on this new value statement

"I will leave a conversation after the first instance of disrespect that is not understood and cared for properly" (this value statement is for you... .you would communicate this to your pwBPD in another way)

This would look like this.  You are talking and he overtalks you... .  In a neutral and firm voice let him know you weren't finished and would like to continue speaking.

If he allows it... proceed and never mention it again.  If he further disrespects... leave... .

you could say this  "This conversation is upsetting me, I'm going to take a time out.  I'll check back in with you in 10 minutes"  (this is about you... .not him... you are the person that matters here... .)

But once it devolves into name calling and insulting my character or my family, I feel the need to bolt.

My hope is you can move this "feeling" to a much earlier place.  Your "leave meter" needs to be adjusted. 

Why tolerate abuse and disrespect?

  And telling my pwBPD that I am uncomfortable with the conversation doesn't work.

And it may never work... .

You need to "communicate" to him through your actions that this will no longer be tolerated... .at all.

Again... .he may never listen to your voice.  He will "listen" to your body language (leaving) because YOU have all the power to "make him" listen.  He gets NO VOTE whatsoever on where you decide to go or when you leave.

He may "try to vote" to keep you... .at which point you call the police.

They will "help you vote to leave"

Nor does leaving the room or asking to continue the discussion later.  Literally, the only thing that works is for me to get in my car, lock the doors and drive to a safe place - like the parking lot at the police station or my parent's house.

Be pragmatic... .do what works to protect you.

FF
 

[formflier]

I just reread some of your post and noticed something about a 6 hour conversation... .uggggg

YOU need to take leadership on how long YOU are going to be "effective" to talk. 

Do that... and leave... .letting him know you will be back after some other task is done and/or you have had a break.

You own this... .you manage/care for yourself and he manages/cares for himself... .he has the option of talking to himself... .or someone else... .he won't have (for a time) the option to continue talking to you.

It's up to him to manage his reaction to that.

It's up to you to come back to him when you say you will and continue the conversation.

Small bites of conversation... much better for everyone.

Long... .engorging conversations will lead to "conversation coma" (think food coma) and everyone will be worse off...

Trust me on this...

FF

[Coconut2017]

Guys,

Thank you so much for all your replies and views.

I went to see my T after the incident who had two questions for me: 1. You do know this is how serious physical abuse starts, right? 2. Do you not love yourself at all to allow this behaviour?

For the next couple of days things at home were calmer, I was putting my 'leaving plan' together and was keeping quiet to avoid any conflict till the weekend when he came to me wanting to talk accusing me on not communicating. I told him that there isn't much to communicated about as I am doing what he asked me to do during his rage - looking for a place to move out and I'll be out of here asap.

Of course then his tune changed. He started telling me how broken he is, how the whole world is against him, how scared and lonely he is and now even his wife is betraying him. He was pleading that if we both try we can change things as long as we communicate and are honest. He was telling me that all he wants is for me to love him and support him finishing with 'help me'.

I am such a softie. When he says all those things I AGAIN start believing. I know it's only because I want to believe, not because it's realistic  - I've heard it so many times before and nothing changed, if anything it got worse.

However, today I received a phone call which started all sorts of alarm bells ringing in my head. It was about one of his exgf who is claiming that he physically abused her on numerous occasions. Unfortunately, she is not the only ex of his who is making such claims... .

I do care about him so much and I really want to help him. At the same time I am grieving for 'what it could have been' and all the pain I've gone through. At the same time I am not sure I feel safe any longer... .

[forlorn]

Guys,

I do care about him so much and I really want to help him. At the same time I am grieving for 'what it could have been' and all the pain I've gone through. At the same time I am not sure I feel safe any longer... .

Hi, again!  Just want to point out something out to you.  You said you aren't sure that you feel safe any longer.  I'd like to suggest that you are sounding to me like you are sure that you're not safe.  And, just in case you might be feeling this way, it's not a betrayal of your partner to admit that.  Don't want to assume that you feel that way if you don't - just an "in case." 

[formflier]

Coconut2017,

If you want to leave... .then do that.  Not much more to discuss.

That's not what I'm picking up on in your post.  It would appear you are open to staying (for a while) to see if he can put in action, some of his words.

If those are your feelings, then let him know you are willing to see what he will do to gain skills to bring the relationship to a closer place.

Avoid "fix"... .avoid right or wrong. 

If it turns out that he wants YOU to do XYZ to help the r/s... .I would suggest you state you must have misunderstood HIS proposal.  Then proceed with your original plan... .which sounds like it was his proposal as well (for you to leave).

Here is the thing... .if HE is will to take steps to "gain skills" to diffuse things, then you certainly are as well.  That would seem to be real change. 

Anything else and I would guess you are signing up for more of the same.

FF

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Coconut, You've heard the alarm bells and seen the red flags    yet it seems like you are still "on the fence."  Although you "really want to help him," I would suggest that it's not your place to take responsibility for the well being of another adult.   If you don't feel safe, as forlorn notes, maybe your gut is trying to tell you something?  

LuckyJim