Eight weeks now from being rendered worthless (black)

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello all, I want to first say thank you to everyone involved with bpdfamily as this incredible resource has been of immense benefit to me, again thank you all. I wish I could say that I'm "better" I believe in some ways that I am making progress such as in the early stages of counselling, sharing with family friends, etc but in other ways I'm making no progress at all.

As a brief recap of my particular situation my BDF common law partner of seven years finally had "enough" of me and kicked me out of our home. She claims that she broke into my computer which I have subsequently validated as true. How a low functioning BPD could achieve that is beyond me but I have a theory as to how she was able to achieve it. In the past few months she was acting in some unusual ways like changing her own passwords which she would normally have shared with me without any concern? Taking photos of my personal items in the home? in effect, I suspect laying the groundwork to create the crisis situation that led to me being kicked out.

The more I look at the past few months the more that I feel that this was not an unscheduled blow out but something premeditated in nature. Within a few day of kicking me out she has gone completely dark. What little communications happened after I left I was address by my first name, as if we hadn’t spend the last seven years together? She arranged for movers to literally remove any trace of my existence and without advising me had all of my personal belongings moved to a storage centre. Of course she paid for it from our common account so I effectively cover the tab to have me physically removed.

Where I was literally brought to my knees was two weekend ago when I visited my old home post the movers doing their thing to observe what may if anything not been moved that belongs to me. I customarily call the police to attend to the home with me to make sure that no game playing occurs. TO MY ABSOLUTE HORROR AND DISGUST, what do I find when I knocked on that door two fateful Saturday’s ago?

ANOTHER MAN.

Who had obviously spent the evening before with my BPD and judging by the look on her face when she realized what was in front of my own two eyes could only be described as indignation, like it was my fault that I caught her just a few weeks after kicking me out sleeping with another man. Setting aside my rage I began to do a bit of digging to try to learn who the identity of this man is? With that said, with the miracle of the internet I was able to triangulate to his identity and to my further horror, recognized his photo and that he a been a “friend” on FB with my BPD for a significant period of time.

I have been completely obsessed ever since the revelation presented its horrible self. I cannot get the image of them physically together out of my head, it absolutely consumes me. I find myself behaving in ways that I know I should but can’t help myself. I find the burning need to keep tabs on her by checking that her car is in the driveway and specifically when his car is there. This of course only re-ignites my furor and ushers in thoughts in my mind that are vivid and intolerable.

I have been reading non stop and as initially mentioned take great solace in other similar experiences of men with exBPD that literally took them out to the “garbage” only to suffer the same final stab of moving on to someone with such breathtaking speed that I question what I or my last seven years really mean’t? Does she possess any empathy at all? Now that I’m black does that allow the BPD mind to throw me out like the weekly garbage?

Oh and before I finish this post and ask for your help and advice I thought I should share what the new guy does for a living? Guess what, IT computer security which in my mind would be a excellent skill set to have to break into my computer and only further validates that my BPD had obviously been in some form of relationship with him and engaged him to help with the criminal act.

I know many of you may be thinking that I hope he’s engaged a lawyer to help with this mess which I have. I have to add another twist to my saga that I will reduce to the basic facts for your consideration. The house is in her name (long story) but when we first starting living together she was in the throws of her first marriage coming to a end. She certainly did not have the economic wherewithal to purchase her ex husbands share of the home. I suggested based on a agreement between us that I would “lend” her the money in the form of a zero interest mortgage and co-signed the loan for the balance of the funds necessary which was dwarfed by the amount of money that I put in. Now scroll ahead seven years and in our particular city housing values have absolutely exploded. Conservatively I would say our home has increased $600K in value which my exBPD now is posturing to take all of the profit in the home for herself while ignoring our very clear arrangement that we made seven years ago. In the intervening time, I asked her multiple time to document our co-habitation agreement but in retrospect I feel like I was being played and now know for a fact because in a fit of anger the day she threw me out she laughed at me saying in so many words that she had been playing me and that “she would never have signed” such a agreement!

Does this sound like a manipulative BPD that just grew tired of me, threw me out and conspired with her new SO to betray me?

In the spirit of complete transparency, I as a NON suffered all of the typical indignities that a BPD can inflict over seven years including my own feeling of self worth being worn down to virtually nothing. I was being ignored and not being engaged as a lover, even one with BPD normally would offer. Late last year, I found myself in a particularly bad place and to my deep regret and shame had a short affair with someone. I swear that I broke it off quickly because she just wasn’t my BPD as twisted as it sounds. My love for my BPD knew no bounds then and even to the moment that I’m typing this I can honestly say my love hasn’t diminished one iota. Even with the current circumstances and all of the evidence being discovered by me it doesn’t seem to change the way that I feel about her. I think its important to mention that she points to email conversations that she discover on my computer after breaking in as the "reason" she threw me out that day, that I could be trusted ever again and that I hurt her deeply.

I know this- to me she’s as White as possible but I suspect that in her current state I couldn’t possibly be any darker!

HAVE I LOST MY MIND? WHATS WRONG WITH ME?

D

[damenlost]

Hello all, I want to first say thank you to everyone involved with bpdfamily as this incredible resource has been of immense benefit to me, again thank you all. I wish I could say that I'm "better" I believe in some ways that I am making progress such as in the early stages of counselling, sharing with family friends, etc but in other ways I'm making no progress at all.

As a brief recap of my particular situation my BDF common law partner of seven years finally had "enough" of me and kicked me out of our home. She claims that she broke into my computer which I have subsequently validated as true. How a low functioning BPD could achieve that is beyond me but I have a theory as to how she was able to achieve it. In the past few months she was acting in some unusual ways like changing her own passwords which she would normally have shared with me without any concern? Taking photos of my personal items in the home? in effect, I suspect laying the groundwork to create the crisis situation that led to me being kicked out.

The more I look at the past few months the more that I feel that this was not an unscheduled blow out but something premeditated in nature. Within a few day of kicking me out she has gone completely dark. What little communications happened after I left I was address by my first name, as if we hadn’t spend the last seven years together? She arranged for movers to literally remove any trace of my existence and without advising me had all of my personal belongings moved to a storage centre. Of course she paid for it from our common account so I effectively cover the tab to have me physically removed.

Where I was literally brought to my knees was two weekend ago when I visited my old home post the movers doing their thing to observe what may if anything not been moved that belongs to me. I customarily call the police to attend to the home with me to make sure that no game playing occurs. TO MY ABSOLUTE HORROR AND DISGUST, what do I find when I knocked on that door two fateful Saturday’s ago?

ANOTHER MAN.

Who had obviously spent the evening before with my BPD and judging by the look on her face when she realized what was in front of my own two eyes could only be described as indignation, like it was my fault that I caught her just a few weeks after kicking me out sleeping with another man. Setting aside my rage I began to do a bit of digging to try to learn who the identity of this man is? With that said, with the miracle of the internet I was able to triangulate to his identity and to my further horror, recognized his photo and that he a been a “friend” on FB with my BPD for a significant period of time.

I have been completely obsessed ever since the revelation presented its horrible self. I cannot get the image of them physically together out of my head, it absolutely consumes me. I find myself behaving in ways that I know I should but can’t help myself. I find the burning need to keep tabs on her by checking that her car is in the driveway and specifically when his car is there. This of course only re-ignites my furor and ushers in thoughts in my mind that are vivid and intolerable.

I have been reading non stop and as initially mentioned take great solace in other similar experiences of men with exBPD that literally took them out to the “garbage” only to suffer the same final stab of moving on to someone with such breathtaking speed that I question what I or my last seven years really mean’t? Does she possess any empathy at all? Now that I’m black does that allow the BPD mind to throw me out like the weekly garbage?

Oh and before I finish this post and ask for your help and advice I thought I should share what the new guy does for a living? Guess what, IT computer security which in my mind would be a excellent skill set to have to break into my computer and only further validates that my BPD had obviously been in some form of relationship with him and engaged him to help with the criminal act.

I know many of you may be thinking that I hope he’s engaged a lawyer to help with this mess which I have. I have to add another twist to my saga that I will reduce to the basic facts for your consideration. The house is in her name (long story) but when we first starting living together she was in the throws of her first marriage coming to a end. She certainly did not have the economic wherewithal to purchase her ex husbands share of the home. I suggested based on a agreement between us that I would “lend” her the money in the form of a zero interest mortgage and co-signed the loan for the balance of the funds necessary which was dwarfed by the amount of money that I put in. Now scroll ahead seven years and in our particular city housing values have absolutely exploded. Conservatively I would say our home has increased $600K in value which my exBPD now is posturing to take all of the profit in the home for herself while ignoring our very clear arrangement that we made seven years ago. In the intervening time, I asked her multiple time to document our co-habitation agreement but in retrospect I feel like I was being played and now know for a fact because in a fit of anger the day she threw me out she laughed at me saying in so many words that she had been playing me and that “she would never have signed” such a agreement!

Does this sound like a manipulative BPD that just grew tired of me, threw me out and conspired with her new SO to betray me?

In the spirit of complete transparency, I as a NON suffered all of the typical indignities that a BPD can inflict over seven years including my own feeling of self worth being worn down to virtually nothing. I was being ignored and not being engaged as a lover, even one with BPD normally would offer. Late last year, I found myself in a particularly bad place and to my deep regret and shame had a short affair with someone. I swear that I broke it off quickly because she just wasn’t my BPD as twisted as it sounds. My love for my BPD knew no bounds then and even to the moment that I’m typing this I can honestly say my love hasn’t diminished one iota. Even with the current circumstances and all of the evidence being discovered by me it doesn’t seem to change the way that I feel about her. I think its important to mention that she points to email conversations that she discover on my computer after breaking in as the "reason" she threw me out that day, that I could be trusted ever again and that I hurt her deeply.

I know this- to me she’s as White as possible but I suspect that in her current state I couldn’t possibly be any darker!

HAVE I LOST MY MIND? WHATS WRONG WITH ME?

D

[Sargeras]

I know exactly how you feel. It's as though your relationship was just another cycle for her. DO NOT make the mistake of taking it personally. There is nothing wrong with you. The problem is HER.

This is a hallmark of BPD. You have no idea how many stories I've read as of lately about BPD partners dropping the whole relationship at random and seeing somebody new. That's exactly what happened to me. I had been seeing her for two and a half years, and one day, just a few weeks ago, she texted me and said she didn't want to be anything more than friends. I figured she was seeing somebody else, and sure enough, she was and is. She dove into a new relationship the day after she split with me. No warnings, no symptoms of an imminent departure- nothing.

You cannot take it personally, man. It will take time to wrap your head around, but it's just the way she's wired. The fact is, it wasn't personal.

The funny thing is, she's likely to recycle you, because the exact same thing that happened with you is going to happen to this new guy as soon as the honeymoon phase is over. The newness and the excitement she is chasing will fade, and she will discard him.

A harsh reality is that many people with BPD don't dwell on breakups like we do. Two weeks for you is like six months to them. However, she will not forget about you. Seven years can't be erased. In time, negative memories of the two of you will be replaced with those of nostalgia, which is why I wouldn't be surprised if she contacts you at one point. More often than not, that's what happens. BPDs aren't incapable of reflecting.

Something that's counter-intuitive is that stability in a relationship can be very unsettling to someone with BPD. It can lead to them seeking other people out, looking for someone who is perfect for them. They often enter these new relationships with a feeling of enlightenment, which of course could not be further from the truth.

Their desire to move beyond their current relationship and start something new speaks volumes about how much more responsive they can be to fantasy, rather than reality. It's as though after the excitement of entering into a new relationship with someone dies off, and the intense feelings began to wane, they feel something is terribly wrong.

As per her sneakiness and such regarding passwords and your computer, it's a form of projection on her part. When people are being sneaky like she was, talking to this other guy behind your back while you were together, they're well aware that behavior is reprehensible. Often times, they will place that same suspicion that comes with engaging in that kind of activity onto you, regardless of whether you did anything that warranted such action.

It is my strongest recommendation that you keep away from her. Stop driving by her house, don't check her social media, don't call or text her, nothing. It will only serve to torture you needlessly. It's poison for your eyes. Nothing good comes of it and you only waste your time. It's a natural compulsion to do things like that, but you have to demonstrate some self-control and refrain. You'll feel better, I promise man.

Regardless of where you go, there will be pain in every direction. Stuff like this takes time. But that's the key word: time. In time, you won't care. The fact is, what she did was mean. There's no other way to put it. It was mean and manipulative. Somebody like that you have no time for.

[damenlost]

Hi saedrix

Thank you for your support, kind words and perspective. You sound very strong given that your trauma was roughly the same time as mine. I will try and heed your advise regarding the checking up on her/them- its incredibly painful as if the self inflicted punishment is by design. I wish I could buy you a beer or two to discuss in person- you seem like an awesome dude and certainly could use some support as much as I do. This is ___ty- no other way to describe your situation or mine with the only small consolation being that we're not the first and likely not the last to be negatively impacted by the BPD meat grinder.

All the best and thank you again brother.

[Sargeras]

You're welcome bro. Drinks on me.

It saddens me to see somebody else going through such a rough time

I've been a lot better off myself since I found this forum. It's nice having people to talk to who've walked in your shoes. You're not going crazy. You've just dealt with 7 years of somebody who's mentally unstable and in turn drove you up the ___in wall.

After you've ceased contact with her for a while, you'll notice one week you're feeling better. The next week, a little better. And so on.

You can use these intense circumstances to your advantage. You'll come out of this so much more emotionally intelligent than you were going into it. You'll be a much stronger, wiser person. All you have to do is not talk to her.

Believe me when I say, breaking up with you is the best thing she ever did for you. And the day will come when she regrets it. Only in time, and your absence will these things become a reality. 

She's destined to repeat an endless cycle. Her life's always going to be a mess, man. When the time comes, don't let her suck you back in. She harbors a lot of negative qualities.

I know moving on isn't something you necessarily want to think about- but somebody will fall into your lap the same way she did. It's a mathematical certainty. There's so many people you're attracted to and compatible with just roaming about- it's nuts.

I've always been a big believe in revenge success. In time, you'll transcend this. Guaranteed.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi damenlost,

What you're going through is so tough.  I think what makes it difficult for us is the unanswered questions and having to put the pieces of the puzzle together ourselves, which is what it sounds like you're trying to do.  Aside from going over things that are painful for you, I hope you are also managing to show yourself some kindness and finding ways to give your head and heart a break from that. 

I know it is difficult to disconnect from the situation, and it's great you have counselling etc. but I would also encourage you to do at least one thing a day that is just for you.  Something conscious and tangible.  Because you deserve it.  You tried incredibly hard, endured a lot and things didn't end as you'd hoped.  That does NOT make you worthless.  It makes you kind, tolerant, compassionate, and loving.  Your use of this word in your thread title raised questions for me.  Chiefly, whose description is this?  Hers or yours? 

I know this- to me she’s as White as possible but I suspect that in her current state I couldn’t possibly be any darker!

HAVE I LOST MY MIND? WHATS WRONG WITH ME?

When you describe your ex as White as possible, it sounds like you are forgiving of any behaviours that have hurt you throughout the r/s and your love for her is only allowing you to see the good aspects of the time you were together.  That she is without fault.  Am I off base?

There is nothing wrong with you.  You are grieving the loss of a 7 year commitment, of an intense, difficult and deeply impacting relationship.  Of the dream of a future together.  I felt destroyed at the loss of the future I had allowed myself to picture with my ex, so you are far from alone in that feeling.  Most everyone here can relate.  It's natural to feel this way and go through stages of holding onto only the things we miss, whilst omitting all that we certainly do NOT miss about the r/s.  It just takes time.  Sometimes it swings completely the other way and we can only see the bad.  It levels out to a more realistic view eventually, where we accept things as they were, both good and bad.  Hang in there. 

Do yourself a favour and don't bring more pain to yourself though.  It's not really what you need right now.  Time and space from what tears open those wounds is in order, so that they can slowly begin to heal.  When you're in a better place in yourself, you'll have the perspective you need to make decisions about what next.  Here's a chance to practise setting boundaries - on yourself.
 Could you put someone in charge of holding you back from the stalking behaviour if the compulsion gets too strong? 

Love and light x

   

 

[damenlost]

Hello Harley Quinn

Thank you for your message, appreciate it very much. I'm doing my very best to focus on me and to try and heal to the best of my ability. The support on this site is a welcome relief, to hear of other NON's and the striking similarity of pattern for those that suffer from BPD relationships.

You ask if at this point whether or not my love for her has waned? To your point, that I'm only affording her all of he wonderful aspects of our relationship you are correct. But at the same time in the back of my mind is all of the terrible things that occurred not the least of which is the constant vision of her/him being together in my mind and visions. I did try, my very best but I'm tortured with the thought that I didn't' take the situation seriously enough or that I wasn't truly there for her that in effect pushed her away to his arms?

You are not off base- I am continuing to put the bravest face on possible to get past this tumult and hang on to the notion that this is just another, albeit significant bump in the road.

I'm heartened by your generosity but at the same time feeling deeply sorry for your own plight and that you have room in your heart to help others that have fallen into this pit.

Boundaries- : / Yes I know what is the correct behaviour but my heart pushes me to that dark path.

Thank you all


D

[Harley Quinn]

Hi D,

You appear to be in the beating yourself up stage.  I think we all go through that at some point.  It's difficult not to go through a list of what if's... .What if I'd said/done that differently, cared more, changed more, given up more? 

I did try, my very best but I'm tortured with the thought that I didn't' take the situation seriously enough or that I wasn't truly there for her that in effect pushed her away to his arms?

You cannot put this on yourself.  Any relationship takes two people.  Her actions are NOT your responsibility.  In an emotionally healthy r/s if someone felt unheard or unsupported they wouldn't usually immediately go out and sleep with someone new, would they?  Perhaps if that were something they felt motivated to do then at the very least they might try talking to their partner about their issues first... .  This is a large part of what we must accept.  The fact is that we were not in anything like an emotionally healthy r/s and that does sadly go both ways.  Each of us has tendencies that would incline us towards entering a BPD r/s and participating in it long after an emotionally healthy individual would stick around.  This we can own.  What our partner did, we can't.

If that is her coping mechanism of choice, then it would have surfaced no matter what you did.  The way a BPD r/s evolves means it is always going to reach that point where the maladaptive coping kicks in due to the switching between fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment.  Let go of the guilt.  You have enough to deal with in handling a broken heart.  That can be your first major kindness to yourself.

Love and light x

PS we all fell into a pit.  It's up to us whether we claw at the sides and cover ourselves with more dirt or build a ladder... .For me the first rung was finding this board.