Friend saw her with my replacement

[hopealways]

I have read and responded to many of you on this great forum who have seen or heard of a sighting of your BPDx with your replacement/new person and empathized with your pain. The common feelings and questions after such a sighting are:

1. They left me for THAT person?
2. How come she stayed with him and not me?
3. Why are they still together?
4. Does she love me more still/think of me?
5. Why was she seen at the same place she knows I frequent?
6. Will this end the same way as mine?

And the answers are:
1. YES the replacement is not always an upgrade.
2. She will leave him too sooner or later, that is the nature of the disorder.
3. See answer to #2.
4. She still thinks of you too but only because the replacement cannot necessarily fill all her emptiness - they have a distorted concept of love to begin with.
5. Due to their lack of empathy they do not understand how this can make the non feel so that's why.
6. Yes if not worse.

Understanding all these questions and more, it is STILL so difficult when a friend tells me of seeing my BPDx with my replacement, as they did today, especially when my BPDx approached my best friend just 3 weeks ago and asked about me.

Now, however, it has changed to anger at myself for having remained with someone so troubled for so long.
The pain also stems from being triggered of childhood emotional neglect by my parents, work which I continue to do to comfort my inner child. It is hard.

I am also angry to know that such trivial stuff hurts me when people have FAR FAR more serious issues to deal with.

This is all hard.  I guess deep down it is so hard to move forward because it means cutting off part of who you were, which is something familiar.

Anyways, I had to write this as I know many of you feel this pain. It helped to write this out.

[roberto516]

Great insight my friend. To realize the anger is internal at yourself and where it really stems from. I too also know how brutally hard it can be to finally make the realizaturn that it's over. It took her about 2 weeks to get over me. 7 months later with a mini recycle there I am finally turning that corner for home. I realize it will never be again. Hard to accept. Probably the hardest thing many of us ever had to accept.

Keep working on you. The clarity you have is absolutely admirable.

[Lucky Jim]

The pain also stems from being triggered of childhood emotional neglect by my parents, work which I continue to do to comfort my inner child. It is hard

Hey moving4ward, Right, this is a good time to examine why you got involved with a pwBPD in the first place, when others would probably have run for the hills.  It sounds like you are already doing this.

Sure, it hurts, but my perspective on this scenario is that now she is the new guy's problem, not yours!  In my view you're lucky to be out from under the BPD landslide.

LuckyJim

[Emotions]

This comment is in relation to yout far far worse troubles statement... .I called and met up with a science teacher at my school who I knew had a divorce, so I was going to console in him for strength and advice... .he told me when we met for coffee that he has recently been diagnosed with lymphoma and has 3 months to three years left... .I felt like my problem was insignificant to that... .so it put things in perspective for me, along with his strength and wisdom with his affliction... .just wanted to say that, don't want to change subject from what your topic is... .

[once removed]

Understanding all these questions and more, it is STILL so difficult when a friend tells me of seeing my BPDx with my replacement, as they did today, especially when my BPDx approached my best friend just 3 weeks ago and asked about me.

do you think maybe you are building a foundation of recovery on whether or not she/her relationship fail?

[hopealways]

This comment is in relation to yout far far worse troubles statement... .I called and met up with a science teacher at my school who I knew had a divorce, so I was going to console in him for strength and advice... .he told me when we met for coffee that he has recently been diagnosed with lymphoma and has 3 months to three years left... .I felt like my problem was insignificant to that... .so it put things in perspective for me, along with his strength and wisdom with his affliction... .just wanted to say that, don't want to change subject from what your topic is... .

Yes this is exactly the type of thing I meant when I mentioned how others have it FAR worse.  I guess knowing this helps keep things in perspective.

[Ahoy]

Yes this is exactly the type of thing I meant when I mentioned how others have it FAR worse.  I guess knowing this helps keep things in perspective.

Very good point but I also want to reinforce that, yes, a LOT of people are dealing with more tragic circumstances, for each of us, this could still be the most traumatising experience with have encountered in OUR lives.

Therefore the number 1 rule for recovery (in my opinion) is being gentle to yourself. Yes other people have more adversity, but that doesn't mean we should try and brush off what happened. Recovery time for people will vary greatly (Mine has been 1 1/2 years!) and rushing things may result in a failure to look inwards and really work out why we became so enmeshed with a disordered person.

Hoping everyone has a nice weekend =)

[hopealways]

Yes grief is handled differently by different people. It can vary as far as time that's for sure.

[Emotions]

I am not minimizing anything moving is going through... .although this seems insignificant compared to physical ailments, this is NO DOUBT the hardest thing I have had to do in my life... .it takes constant focus and energy... .I am hoping that someday it gets easier than this, but in the meantime I count my blessings for the things I have in life, especially my breath. Keep the light shining people