desperate for answers...

[paradise lost]

I have been trawling the net for the past 6 years looking for answers to my predicament and this article ‘Understanding Borderline Personality’ https://pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2017/03/understanding-borderline-personality-disorder/ sums it all succinctly in one short essay.

My wife has only recently accepted the diagnosis of BPD even though she’s ben seeing mental health professionals for over 8 years now. What she has accepted is Depression, PTSD and severe OCD. After years of living with this I believe that it is all interconnected in more ways than one. There are too many different labels that make tall so confusing. Someone should just write a paper and explain that BPD, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Cognitive Distortion, OCD, PTSD are all interconnected. When one create too many labels it becomes too difficult to identify the single underlying problem that connects it all. That BPD individuals suffer from all of these. At least my wife does and it is driving us all mad.

I have two daughters aged 3 & 7 who suffers from her terrible rage. The verbal abuse will be left imprinted onto them for the rest of their lives. They do not know anything else but that. My two daughters from a previous marriage 20 & 15, have been shunned, ostracised and kept at an arms length. Every time they come over to my house, I am given the cold shoulder which is followed by a fight that she initiates that keeps me occupied for the entire weekend.

I seriously feel that I have five daughters because most times it's like I'm dealing with a child.

She is overly concerned about her physical appearance. At 45kgs she is convinced that she’s overweight. She got into a terrible rage if i leave the bathroom wet with droplets of water. The kids don't play with their toys because it causes too much of a mess. The sofa and throw cushions are arranged and rearranged 20 times a day. They cannot even go to their room without a warning, ‘Do not make a mess in your room’ and so they don’t spend any time at all in their bedrooms.

I am unable to live with the constant tantrums each time things do not go her way. Whether it’s the work that I do or the time I spend withy various business. It always ends up with the statement “You will do everything for everyone, but nothing for me!” And when I do spend time with her, I’m busy trying to elicit a response from her because she just sits there stone cold expecting me to pull a rabbit out of my hat and love all our issues in one go. And when that doesn’t happen, I am not trying hard enough to do what she needs to be happy so she doesn’t scream and shout at the kids. And the reason she screams and shouts at the kids is because she can’t handle the stress of our marriage breaking own. And that they stress her our even more and she can’t help herself. But if I’m good to her, then she might not shout at them.

Sigh…


Any if this sound vaguely familiar?


desperate….

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[MrRight]

Yes Paradise Lost - it sounds very familiar.

Interesting theory that BPD and all those other conditions are connected and that BPDers are afflicted by several.

There's someone on another forum - BPD expert (married to one for 17 years and now patrolling boards for people like you and me) - who says that BPDers are more likely to suffer from bipolar etc etc than nons. I can believe that - mine suffers from BPD and compulsive behaviour patterns including some you mentioned - like flipping out when a pillow is put back the wrong way - or having to drive around the block when we see a black cat.

I wish I could have spared my S14 from all this - I tried to escape with him once - but failed - he was young - she manipulated me back - that was a massive life failure for me. Despite this he seems to be pulling through - doing well at school etc - though he privately wishes his mum would die. I have tried to tell him he will evaluate his childhood differently when he grows up and looks back as much of her behaviour has been driven by the will to make him succeed. If he soars in his career - he will have her to thank.

So your wife rages at your daughters - is she violent at all? People who rage often hit out too.

[waverider]

Many disorders are indeed cormorbid (occur concurrently). However they do represent differently and to be effectively treated need to be specifically identified. eg Treating someone with bipolar as though they are BPD and vice versa is a grave mistake, unless they indeed suffer both.

Misdiagnosis of BPD is common, especially in the past. Personally my wife was misdiagnosed for many years as OCD. Mainly from her early years of self harming to get rid of perceived body imperfections. This was because her motivations were not completely understood. It was not until years later after we met and I realized she was BPD not OCD, mainly due to me trying to research how to cope with OCD and finding it missed the mark completely, that any progress was made in reducing the self harm

Also by this time she had been through so many futile medication regimes that she had learnt to become reliant on meds to quick fix, which they never did as you cant fix BPD with meds. All this due to not having an accurate BPD specific diagnosis. Wrong treatment can often be worse than non. Endless failed therapy completely undermines any faith in , and hence success of, any future therapy.

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) is probably the most similar to BPD.  pwBPD are often more accepting of this as it is routed in pointing the finger of blame at ongoing abuse, typically at an early age eg victims of child abuse. This is inline with a pwBPDs line of thinking that somebody has to blamed. There are clinical differences though, but the match is close.