Welcome, coffee mug!
I am new to forums in general, so please bear with me. My mother was recently diagnosed with an attachment disorder, and we also found out that borderline personality disorder is very commonly associated with it. On top of that she suffers from depression. She is (to mine and my families knowledge) unaware of the BPD. My father, my brother, and I are in therapy trying to deal with new reality.
I am sorry to hear of your mother's diagnosis. That's good you and your family are all in therapy to understand what the diagnosis means. Does it give you some sense of relief to have a diagnosis?
My therapist does know my mother and is well aware of her conditions. I have done research, and I will continue to do research to better understand my mother; however, I am having a very hard time coming to terms that she will most likely never get the helps she needs. She refuses to go on any medications, even for the depression. And I have been advised by my therapist not to let her babysit my infant daughter by herself (which is only adding to my stress).
One thing my therapist used to do was to caution me from doing too much research. Maybe ask him for 1 or 2 resources that you use to understand more, but try not to get obsessive about it. Rely on your therapist as your main resource. I'm not aware of Attachment disorder, but I do know that with BPD, it is rare for them to get any help because they think that everyone else needs the help. I would follow your therapist's advice.
Basically, I just want to know if there is anyone else who has felt worse after finding out about the disorder. My childhood was rough emotionally, but I always had hope that she would eventually get the help she needed. We would get her the right medications, therapy, or whatever she needed to make her feel better. And I thought if I could make her feel better, that would make my life easier. It is so difficult to watch my mother go through this, and not help her. And since I've unknowingly been dealing with this disorder my whole life, I feel like somehow not being able to help her is my fault. I'm trying to set boundaries with her, and I am trying to remind myself I can only do what is best for my family. I just wish I could do more.
It was a long time ago when I found out about my parents' and siblings' disorder. I think at first I was depressed, angry, wanted them to be different, etc., but then I realized that knowing they behave like they do wasn't personal, and that it was because of mental illness, helped me come to terms with it all. It was validating for me to have that label so to speak.
Discuss this paragraph with your therapist. H/she should know what you're feeling. It sounds like you feel helpless and powerless. But there are ways you can learn how to communicate with her that will help both you and her. You can't fix her. You can't change her. You need to let that fantasy go and grief it. Maybe there will be a time that she'll want to go for help. But you need to focus on your behavior and actions, and not on changing hers. I know that's a tough pill to swallow, but it's not your job to fix your mother. Nor is it your fault that you can't fix her. That sounds to me like a people-pleasing habit you need to break. You are not responsible for your mother's behavior, moods, or feelings. She is.
I'm also having issues dealing with my mom's affairs, which i only recently found out about. I know it doesn't concern me, and that it is between my parents. But I was in an abusive relationship and cheated on, and I wasn't even in love. My dad loves my mom so much, and he says he'll stay with her. I can only imagine how my dad feels about such betrayal.
This is going to sound harsh, but... .stay out of it. Your dad's feelings are not for you to fix, either. Stay out of your dad's head. Maybe he sees the affairs as part of her mental illness, maybe he loves her and forgives her, but whatever the answer is, it is not your job to worry about your dad's feelings of betrayal.
Please tell me I'm not the only one. I feel so alone.
There are many people here that are going through what you are going through, or have gone through what you went through. You are definitely not alone.
What can you do today to practice good self-care or to spend quality time with your dad?
Be gentle with yourself.
