Are they always ill

[ortac77]

Genuine question

my pwBPD seems to lurch from one physical illness to the next, it actually seems to have got worse since he has been in therapy.

In the past few months it has been migraines/bad back/ stomach aches etc.

Of course suggestions to see his GP are met with derision and of course I could not possibly understand.

I suspect that a lot of this is psychosomatic, it seems to go hand in hand with not taking any responsibility or doing anything - apart from the therapy (I can't even be sure he is attending of course) he never leaves the house and never lifts a finger to help with the housework.

Maybe its play for sympathy or just his own internal justification for doing nothing, maybe its depression, maybe its the anti- psychotics he is taking.

Just wondered what anyone else's experience was.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey ortac, Like a lot of BPD behavior, illness is a way of getting attention, like crying "Wolf."  My BPDxw was more or less a hypochondriac, yet I played into it by by accompanying her to doctor's appointments.  Due to my own fantasies about being a "good husband" and "white knight," I enabled her alleged medical issues.  One time I asked one of her doctors what I could do to help, and he had the guts to say "don't come with her to these appointments"!

LuckyJim

[Pedro]

My ex would not go 1 week without a headache, once a fortnight was irritable bowel syndrome (not diagnosed). Migraine once a month that she was convinced was a brain aneurysm.
Daily feeling of stomach cramps.
One time she fell down the stairs sustained back pain. Had a month off work. I helped to dress her wipe after using the toilet because she had reduced mobility, could not turn around to do it herself. Got her treated for jaw joint pains treated and cured with bite splints. Had 1 X foot surgery in last 12 months. Had 2 & 3 months off work respectively with non weight bearing and walking stick aid. So yes some things I feel were exaggerated but other times she had genuine illness & treZtment, and ___ing muffins here did everything as a loving partner could do. It's got me ___ing nowhere now I'm wiped from the last 6 year memory bank that's the acknowledgement you get

[Lucky Jim]

In the past few months it has been migraines/bad back/ stomach aches etc.

P.S.  It's interesting that the maladies they complain of are often things that are difficult to diagnose with certainty, e.g., headache, back pain, stomach pain, etc.  My BPDxW was convinced that she had Lyme Disease, for which there is no reliable test.

LJ

[ortac77]

Thanks for the quick replies, yes I have some doubt about the reality of these maladies, they do seen to occur at his convenience. It is perhaps telling that any suggestions to see the GP are ignored because he does not trust the GP, interesting!

If its attention seeking I guess my only option is to ignore it, after all beyond suggesting a Dr's visit I don't think there is anything else I can do anyway.

I suspect that he is overdosing on medication as well again not much I can do, therapy was hopeful but of course now he has decided he is too physically ill to continue, ah the power of BPD thinking.

[Panda39]

P.S.  It's interesting that the maladies they complain of are often things that are difficult to diagnose with certainty, e.g., headache, back pain, stomach pain, etc.  My BPDxW was convinced that she had Lyme Disease, for which there is no reliable test.

LJ

Yes! My SO's uBPDXw is really weird when it comes to health, her's and everyone elses. My theory with her has been when she was physically sick she got the attention of her parents (she was one of five kids) when she was younger, and it became a habit.   In her case it is often "Genetic Disorders"... .typical BPD response, it's not my fault, it's my genes.    Now says she has "Mast Cell Disease" perfect fit because it causes everything and has contradicting symptoms!  It's always something subjective and always ignores the big BPD elephant in the room.

Panda39

[flourdust]

P.S.  It's interesting that the maladies they complain of are often things that are difficult to diagnose with certainty, e.g., headache, back pain, stomach pain, etc.  My BPDxW was convinced that she had Lyme Disease, for which there is no reliable test.

Same here -- fibromyalgia, migraines, headaches, nausea, gastric distress, shoulder pain, joint pain, vertigo... .

[ortac77]

Ah I am not alone then, guess it is something to do with either attention seeking or avoidance or both - not sure.

Even time I think I have got my head around this disorder I get stumped by something else - actually I really should know by now that I can't and am rather wasting my time. Its difficult because I sympathise with illness but feel that in this case it is also manipulative.

[Cremetown]

I had this with my uBPD ex. She would always complain about odd symptoms. She would eat something sweet for instance and later complain about feeling her body is rejecting the sugar or she talk about how she doesn't think she could get pregnant even if she wanted to. Bare in mind she was suspicious of professional medicine and was into self diagnosibsis/care so I would drag her to the doctor when the complain sound legit

[Michael43]

Ah I am not alone then, guess it is something to do with either attention seeking or avoidance or both - not sure.

Even time I think I have got my head around this disorder I get stumped by something else - actually I really should know by now that I can't and am rather wasting my time. Its difficult because I sympathise with illness but feel that in this case it is also manipulative.

I can greatly identify with how you feel here.  I have found that my wife wBPD will often use medical issues as a means to seek attention or avoidance.  If she complains about headaches, back pain, etc. I will usually give one quick empathetic statement but that is it.  It is always interesting that she gets a headache just before it is time for her to do chores like the dishes, vacuuming, etc. I know she has called in to work and feigned illness as an avoidance tactic.  She was let go at her job because of her behaviors.  I also have caught her saying she has irritable bowel disease & going in the bathroom & playing on her phone.  Sometimes she will go into the bathroom when faced with her emotions.  I had set the boundaries that I refused to go with her to her medical appointments.  At one point she was convinced she had MS, Cervical Cancer, Ovarian Cancer, and a spinal injury.  I had set a boundary about her ER visits & things have gone more smoothly that we have separated our finances.  The best advice I can give is to show empathy just in case but understand that the behavior may be manipulative.

[ortac77]

For a while now I have taken the stance of if he is unwell I will not accompany him to the Dr, last time I did he stormed out of the surgery after the Dr refused to give him sleeping pills and this is not the first time he has been confrontational with Drs.

Now he claims he cannot sleep due to back pain and will not visit the Dr or Hospital because they don't do anything. For the past week he has not left his bed (we sleep in separate rooms) and sleeps all day, although I am aware of him prowling around the house at night. Any conversations tend to the fact that he is cold and indifferent and whats the point. To me this looks like depression but he will not discuss it - I just get told that I don't either understand or care.

He is on Quietapine which is to help his previous raging behaviours, he has a history of alcohol abuse, on the good front he seems to have stopped drinking but whereas the alcohol used to cause him to alternate between rage and depression, the Quietapine just seems to have turned him into a zombie who when he is awake complains of constant different illnesses.

I have tried too sympathise but if I am honest it feels like he has just moved from one drug (alcohol) to another. He has been going to a DBT therapist but again this seems to have stalled, the 'illnesses' being used as an excuse. A shame because initially the therapy seemed to be helping a lot and maybe therein lies the real problem - as the roots of his problems start to be uncovered he cannot cope with dealing with them?

For me I am left feeling as if I live on my own with all the household responsibilities as well as my work - most of the time I can deal with this but lately can feel a lot of resentment which has led to me also engaging in therapy.

Increasingly I live my own social life as well, we had a holiday booked later this year but I am starting to think that maybe it would be better if I just did something myself - although at my core I think I am just lonely and that my co-dependcy issues are bering triggered.

Maybe the bottom line is that living with this illness is liking taking two steps forward then one and a half back!

Thanks for listening

[flourdust]

Ah I am not alone then, guess it is something to do with either attention seeking or avoidance or both - not sure.

I suspect there's probably a conversion element as well -- mental anxiety converting into physical symptoms.

[ortac77]

Just an update - I was away working this weekend and on returning enquired how he was feeling, the reply "nothing to do with you". I simply said it was just concern for him and hoped that he feels better soon.

Since then no communication, he hasn't eaten, hasn't showered or cleaned himself and frankly he looks like a tramp. Ok its his problem and I am really having to work on some acceptance here until this phase passes (it will pass I know).

Now I am sure that he is looking for some reaction from me, and of course I am struggling to control my feelings because this fits a familiar pattern. He is looking for me to react, so I have looked again at the Karpman triangle as  do not want to get caught up in that old pattern.

Deep breaths - he just walked into the kitchen and I said Good Morning which produced a grunt of "is it?".  OK passive/aggressive - yes familiar pattern

He has been avoiding his therapist for the past two weeks so I suspect something has been triggered that is causing his self-destructive behaviour and the projection of blame onto me.

No more games, I am done in with this emotional turmoil and if he does not want to communicate/eat/shower - his choice - I just need to keep strong until this phase passes.

[Pencil sketch]

What a relief reading that, all the times my uBPD returned, there was always something wrong, flu, chest infection, broken tooth which needed a crown, and a recurring elbow injury from when her dog pulled her over.
Another odd thing, she would become very agitated, if I offered sympathy or advice.
Interesting topic

[enlighten me]

Both my uBPD exs suffered from the same maladies that others here have described.

At first I thought it was attention seeking due to the frequency of it happening and the fact that their problems disappeared with a new romantic partner. As I read more about BPD I started looking into the affect of hormones and their relationship to BPD. Certain hormones will cause a lot of these symptoms.

I now believe that even though some maladies might be for attention seeking others are real. The reason they are only temporary is because they are hormone related.

Ask yourselves this. Did the pwBPD have these symptoms all the time or just when they were stressed/ depressed? Did the symptoms disappear when something good was happening to them?

Just my thoughts and my opinion.