BPD stuff ok right now, but so tired anyway

[isilme]

So for the most part, H is not raging, being horrible, and I am not finding too many eggshells stuck to my feet.  We had one incident Sunday, but I chalk it up to both of us being really tired.

But his health issues seem to be taking a toll on both of us, and I find I am simply exhausted this week, even though THIS week is pretty "normal".  Even with it ebing his sisters and his brhtdays this week, usually a cause for some melt-downs, and even with SOME depression at turning 40, he has been okay.

LAST week, Monday had him vomiting and he had to leave work about an hour early.  I came home and find him in the shower/tub (we both go in the shower when nauseous - I know it sounds weird, but the warm water can help comfort, if you DO get sick it pretty much washes right away, your face is not in a toilet, and the sound of the water can mask the retching from those not in the bathroom).  He could not get out, was in extreme pain in his abdomen.  We both thought it was one of the 2 new medications his MD gave him  -one for sugar control, one for neuropathy pain.  We thought it was the pain pills, and figured he just had to ride it out at this point and he'd be fine.

Pain stops, nausea abates about 6PM, he goes straight to bed, I make him some soup and bring some crackers, and then join him, and we both eventually fall asleep near our normal time.  4am, he wakes up and has to get back into the shower. Pain is back, worse, dry heaves.  I wake up about 5 something, realize this is going on, and try to convince him we need to go to ER.  He can't get out of shower, movement makes it all hit really hard.  I call in to work, get him out of shower by about 8am, and he says he just needs to lie down about an hour or 2 before we go to Dr.   I set an alarm, and try at 9, and 10 to get him up and moving.  By 11, pain is back.  He agrees that we need to go to Stat Clinic since line will be short, once he can move.  I set aside clothes, pack a messenger bag with books and water, and find a vomit bowl to carry in the car.  By 2 PM, we make it to Stat Clinic, they fast tracked him to the back for an exam after I insist, and they determine it's his kidneys.  They call ahead to ER, we drive over there, they put him in a room, in a gown, and prep him for a CT scan and give him an IV since he had lost so much fluid vomiting.  3 stones are found, one fairly large, almost out but not quite big enough to need a stay in the hospital.  Home, he finds he can keep nausea at bay by pacing, even with hospital drugs in his system, so he paces for about 12 hours until i can get to the pharmacy and get his RX for the pain and the stuff to help the stones move out easier.  about 14 hours later, they finally are out, he's still hurting, misses next two days of work, pain is still pretty high and drugs for it made him unable to be functional at work.  

He's much better this week.  All in all, I think the pain and fear snapped him past his normal emotional responses at the time, and other than refusing to go to the ER earlier, he did not fight me overly much, and all his moods were easily tied to the pain.  

We ditched all sodas - they are donated to my office full of grad students.  He has been able to get to work, weaned himself off the heavy pills by Sunday, and the new diabetes drug seems to be working.  I don't know if it's a delayed reaction, but I soo tired this week.  I usually run all errands and do all chores anyway, so doing them last week should not have been more exhausting.  I am used to stress hitting me a few minutes or hours after a crisis - can it hit a week later?  I know I disassociate from my feelings, a wall goes up, when I need to manage things and can't handle wanting to cry and break down.  

Like, I could crawl under my desk and sleep and not care who found me tired.  I want a week, or just a few days totally alone I think, where I can sleep as long and as much as I want with no feelings of shame or anxiety about it, being lazy.  But we have something going on Saturday that can't be postponed, and I have stuff to keep up with on Sunday.  So tired.

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[Gumiho]

Hey islime~

what a feat... *hands a virtual bag of sleep*
... make sure you get enough of rest~~

... . I am used to stress hitting me a few minutes or hours after a crisis - can it hit a week later? ... .

Okay that may be farfetched, but from what I can tell, yes it certainly can.
Farfetched as I am talking about my skin condition, stress is a major factor for flare-ups. And it's not the average stress one would get from work or the regular things, it's the extra unneeded stress added by SO's blowups or whatever poisonous things that creep into our lives (I use to refer to it as psychoterror ). I would say you build up varying tolerance levels to psychoterror and both your psyche and body react at different points in time. While the mind would react in short timeframes, your body needs much longer (you could compare it to ie. eating; your stomach needs well about 30 minutes to tell your brain that it's full - that's how we easily can overeat, and why we should eat slow - our bodies are slowpokes, the brain ain't). So when I get an excess amount of stress, my body usually takes one or two weeks to start displaying the flare-ups on my skin.

On that note I'd say you're in perfectly normal parameters ^^

Take care and get some sleep soon~~
fighting!


Gumiho

[isilme]

Thanks.  I tend to get skin flare ups when I KNOW something is coming up and stressed - I will look like I have the worst case of chicken pox all over my face, neck and shoulders.

But I know when I was leading a small dance club here on campus, I'd be okay for the first dance, and get the shakes AFTER we got off stage.  I get nervous and anxious usually AFTER an event, like when we had a blow out at 75 mph - I was driving (usually am), and realized what happened, took my foot off the accelerator, hit hazards, then moved to where I could slow and get onto the shoulder.  Cop who came to check on us was surprised I'd not overreacted and flipped the car.  Only after we got to H's parents' house did I fall apart and start crying.  I can hold it in when it's "necessary" and then have to lose it eventually.

At the hospital, I was doing as ok as I could, until they had to put an IV in H.  Neither of us have had to go to the hospital in all the 21 years we have been together.  I fought really hard to not cry until the nurses left the room, and had to go cry again in the chapel, where it was "safe" to blubber and cry.

I feel very lucky he was able to behave better in light of all of this.  He is feeling depressed, and the cycle of "I am old, dying, dead, there is no joy left in life" is starting up, but I am really hoping as his sugar gets better regulated, his body will feel better, his legs will regain some mobility, feeling, and strength, and the pain will improve (never perfect, but better) and that will allow him to be more active, which in turn can do away with some of these feelings.  Here's to hoping.

[Gumiho]

You know it's okay to let go    
I have to achieve such a level of self control still, often it works fine, but sometimes tears just culler down on their own, I think you're very strong~!  

H seems on a good way too, unlike my own father at the age of 72, still, despite insane blood sugar levels, eats bread and drinks alcohol in raw quantities, because "it's too late". Up to a point, I'm glad he doesn't even talk to me anymore and lives 12k km away. Scary I am his offsping .

Hope dies last!


Gumiho


EDIT; by the way my skin condition is severe because of all the "things" I have to put up with in my life, shedding skin like snowman on XTC. My own gf ripped out her legs to convince me, despite my 15 years of knowing the cause was stress, it's a dietary problem, to her. Well. *back to chewing salad leaves*

[isilme]

Sorry about your dad.  I have not spoken to mine save one instance since I was 19, and not to my mother since I was about 33-ish.  It's my boundary of self-protection - I am not strong enough to deal with them - "little me" wants to come out, and react in all the old ways I learned, and adult me has a hard time asserting herself to Mom without just being a ___. 

H's parents are both terrible examples of how to do self-care.  His mother has very badly managed diabetes.  She is a big source of his fears and self-doubt.  She has pretty much refused to exercise, lives literally (actually mean the word in a literal sense, not as a hyperbole) on a love seat in their living room, and thinks lots of insulin shots a day is just fine.  His father was a multiple pack a day smoker for years and years, and now is on oxygen and can barely walk thanks to his COPD.  They live as shut ins, mostly, in their house about 2 hours away, and the mother is also a hoarder of thing and sometimes animals.  Visits are difficult.  Come Christmas, when we usually go stay in an upstairs room, I need to put my foot down and insist they clear ALL junk off the steps so H can get more safely up and down them.  They won't understand his neuropathy makes going down stairs dangerous for him to start, piles of crap on the stairs makes it even worse.  His shameful moments have him making statements that he "deserves" his ill health because he wasn't a perfect child to his parents, he must have done something to get both of their afflictions, etc.  Not dealing with rage is nice, but the depression episodes are not fun, either.

I know you've probably looked into this, but shedding could also indicate an allergic reaction - that can be fueled more by stress but checking your soaps, detergents and fabric softeners can maybe help.  When my parents went through their spectacular divorce, I ended up living with my dad's mother.  She bought Zest soap.  I apparently am allergic to it, and was scratching my legs through my jeans with the bottom of my shoes.  I did not realize that I was actually stripping off all the skin through my pants until there was a sticky feeling, and I pulled up my pants leg to discover I had been bleeding from all the scratching.

I've also discovered that I am allergic to peppermint oil - tears up my lips and sadly it's in lots of lip balms.  I was putting more and more balm on my chapped lips, only to have them dryer, swollen and more irritated.  Thank goodness for Google. 

[Gumiho]

The place you described sounds like a nightmare. I pray they don't have to move anytime soon

an allergic reaction

I wish it was~ my condition is called Psoriasis and seldom can be cured as it is genetic. My gf suffers from atopy which is an allergic overreaction and often can be cured by cheap antihistamins and steroids.
I need abhorrently expensive biologics to get any staying relief, and needless to say I have tried myriads of soaps, lotions, creams without getting to any result. I have tried oriental, alternative and classic school medicine, they even made me inject a chemotherapy called MTX for 4 years straight (10 years ago) and there were no sustainable improvements at all, same for UVNB therapy.

Well I was good (down to less than 5% PASI... now back to more than 70%) after leaving to my new home country, and it almost was gone after meeting my sunshine~ talk about sweet stressless peace of mind, until the first splitting ocurred.

She is most definitely projecting her atopy onto me. But well she only wants to help so... drat

[isilme]

I am scared one day we will "inherit" whichever parent outlives the other.  I would be okay with buying a trailer and installing them in it and checking on them a few times a week, with a home health service coming by regularly.  But I don't know how it will pan out. 

I am sorry about your psoriasis.  I've only heard of it but don't know much about it.  I guess we need to help get your stress down