Sex as a trigger?

[pearlsw]

I am too worn out to lay out my whole story at the moment, but wanted to focus on one issue. My partner is high-functioning and highly educated. I love him dearly. I have observed his behavior and suspected something was off. I had him read about BPD (and other descriptions) last year and a light bulb went off for him.

One issue I have noticed with him is he can only balance for so long and then he goes over the edge. (His cycles are usually about a couple of weeks long at most. I get a short amount of "peace" and then the drama hits and then I/we have to recover, and on and on endlessly.)  I want to discuss this particular edge that he goes over which is when he is turned down for sex. I try not to do this, and don't ever do this lightly. I try to be very, very nice and set a date for he can expect it. I offer "love coupons" for things he likes. I manage as best I can. I try to be very positive and supportive.

His negative behaviors and the very mean things he says (threats he makes), and his black/white on & off way with me, makes it hard to maintain what for me is a typical level of desire. It exists, but it is worn out. It takes a lot for me to recover after his most severe "episodes." But also his approach to sex, for me, reads as an element of an illness and I am put in a position of having to "service" this or suffer the consequences. So, I feel manipulated and feel like I am more often having sex out of fear than normal, healthy desire.

I am going through this now. We were camping, he was a little tipsy, I was ready to sleep and didn't quite realize what he wanted. Also, he knows I don't feel comfortable when others might be able to hear. His kids (from his ex) are around now so he is getting less then he "demands". He felt hurt and rejected beyond the proportion of a "non" and by the next morning he was "sad" and acting "off" and then as other stresses added up later in the day he went over the edge and "broke up" with me. We are married and he has done this kind of thing literally hundreds of times in the 6.5 years.

I love him, and want a sex life with him, but I feel like I am in a do or die situation. Either I perform, whether I am in the mood or not, or he will lose it and I will have hell to pay. I try to set limits in boundaries but frankly at this point I feel so stuck that I prefer to just "give in" instead of pay the worse price of his wrath.

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[Tattered Heart]

Hi pearl,

Welcome ,

I know exactly what you are going through. My H is like this also and my feelings about the situation are exactly what yours are. One thing I"ve learned is that my H finds self worth in our sex life. If I say no to sex then he thinks I am rejecting him. It's difficult for him to understand that sometimes I'm just not in the mood, and even harder for him to understand that he has been dysregulating for a few days and I'm not feeling attracted to him at all.

One thing that has worked for me (as long as I don't turn him down too often) is for me to try to address the topic BEFORE he brings it up. So if I know that he may want to have sex, and either I'm just not feeling it (or in your scenario you are uncomfortable because others are around), I might say something like: "It's important to me that we have sex. I get nervous though when I think others might hear us so can we do it as soon as we get home tomorrow? We won't even unpack." And then be a little flirty about it, he seems to be okay with things that way.

By me initiating the conversation he knows that it's important to me and it gives him something to look forward to after we get home. It also removes me having to tell him no, which reduces his feelings of rejection.

[pearlsw]

Oh wow! You have no idea how much this means to me to have one other human being on the planet say they know this EXACTLY! You make me want to cry.

Oh yes. We have talked in between and he has heard how I feel about this dynamic. Given the wrath I've endured for the last 3 days (and counting) I wish I had just given him the sex. At a certain point (in the more distant past) he pushed me very far and I felt like he had ruined sex for me completely. This was before I started to read up more on BPD with him in mind. I have another ex who also had some issues so I knew things were "off" with my new guy from the beginning, but I chalked it up to the ex/divorce/custody battle he was going through, etc.

But you are so right. He feels an incredible level of rejection. I feel like I've spent 3 days begging and pleading for his "forgiveness" and "understanding" but it is so exhausting and so beyond what it is like with a non. As I was saying, at a certain point I thought he had basically ruined sex for me completely, but I recovered with time and a lot of effort. In the past he made a big threat over it and I did not give in. We live overseas and he basically said "you have sex with me now or I cancel your health insurance." I just couldn't give in to this. We were visiting in my family's 2-story home in the States. I don't like to have sex in other people's homes, ya know? Especially family members homes! Being around my family pretty much stresses me, though I love them, to the point where I just can't. Anyway... .

This was so extreme and offended me so much. What he said that day and on another occasion that I just broke off from him emotionally for quite a while. But we survived that and we are trying again. Or I am. Today. Maybe he will be back to loving me tomorrow. It helps that I don't indulge on things... .I mean don't say ugly things and usually stay pretty calm. Thank you enormously!

[pearlsw]

Sorry for all my typos. I can fix them perhaps? I haven't eaten much in the last 3 days. The stress kills my appetite. I forget to eat and my brain is shutting down a bit.

[Herodias]

Don't feel so bad... .I had sex with my ex everyday, if not twice a day and he still needed porn and other women. They can't seem to get enough. I think it is a numbing tool they use and a controlling issue. You will not be able to solve this issue easily. I ended up preferring my ex looked at porn and took care of himself instead of torturing me all the time. The only thing was it made him look at sex in a whole different way,(not that he hadn't in his past),but then he expected me to act like these women. I tried to explain they were getting paid to do that stuff and most women don't want to do some of those things... .It didn't matter. It has ruined me for life. I used to be a very sexual person, now I could care less if I ever have it again. I don't know if there is a good answer here other than do it anyway. A couple times I just laid there and acted uninterested... .he didn't care for that much either, but it made me feel better,  They pretty much want you to fake it- I think my ex faked all of the passion he saw in the movies anyway. I used to think he really loved me, but I felt I may as well have been a silicone doll that I ended finding him using in the middle of the night a couple times... .so gross... .he wore that thing out! Better it than me!

[pearlsw]

Wow. I know what you mean. He wants it 5 times a day. I am lucky if I can get into it enough to do it once. I have to though. I don't know why I didn't that night. I thought he would understand it was not ideal and could wait. But he cannot wait. I know what you mean. I worried at a point he had ruined sex for me forever. I definitely don't feel the same way about it as I used to. I work on it with him though. It is not easy. It is work. It's hard. I feel I have no dignity this week, begging and pleading with him to have sex with him so I can "help him feel better" and get him out of his hating me phase. It hurts to be offering intimacy to someone who is saying terrible, mean things to me. But I have to remember it really is about something else for him. He has to have that connection or it is the end of the world for him, and for me. Oh man, it is so hard. I can't tell you how much it means for me to just talk about this honestly with people. Thanks.

[isilme]

A lot of BPD behavior is triggered by intimacy, and what is more intimate (usually) than sex?

H gets like this, too, if I respond in ANY way that he feels is "off", less than enthusiastic, or my body is too tired to respond he gets mad, we fight, and one of us is on the couch.
He spends a lot of time simply complaining about, well, everything, but sex is one of the most complained about things.  HE turns ME away, most often, but then claims I refused him.  And I have bald-faced stated that complaining about sex, especially DURING sex, is hardly sexy, and hardly makes me feel like trying.  It does not help, though, he keeps doing it.  He has been in the mood and refused me "on the principle" of it all.  Because he dysregulated DURING. 

Sex is them going out on a limb seeking affection, validation, approval, attention, "love" in addition to physical gratification.  Anything that prevents their minds-eye of what should happen is invalidating, abandonment, and triggering.  Porn seems to make it all so much worse because they seem to expect porn-style performances from exhibitionists, rather than honest, whole hearted enjoyment of a less theatrical nature. 

Sometimes, I agree to go along knowing it's not my idea time to do so, just to put off his feelings of rejection.  Sometimes I insist on MY ideal times because I am tired of him waiting till the wee hours of the night to be in the mood - I am in the mood early evenings when my body still has some energy.  Not 2am, when I have to get up at 7.  And lately, his health has sadly resulted in some ED issues, only fueling his anger if things aren't working very well during the process.

Sometimes, even in a relationship with a "non", you have sex just to do it and make the other person happy - like people who challenge themselves to do it every day for a month.  Hopefully, as things progress, you realize you DID want it, but were too tired at the initial onset.  It IS good to be close and intimate, and it IS good to move beyond your immediate comfort at times.  Be loud, maybe, and try not to care.  Or, find a way to send the kids off so you can be freer, find a hotel on the spur of the moment, whatever.  Find things YOU like that may help you feel more into it -by a new nightie.  New perfume, go to a spa day, something.  Work on the tools you can use to eventually decrease the number of outbursts and increase the more peaceful periods. 

[pearlsw]

Wow. This is some really great advice and very inspiring actually. I appreciate you giving me the opportunity for a rethink on this. I had been trying to move things to an earlier time and that was working at home. It was when he got out of our routine and guests were around that things went over the edge. I am still clawing my way back into his good graces. He is mostly ignoring me, but did make an effort to invite to me eat with him and his kids tonight. It kills for me kids to be around this kind of dysfunction. I never even saw my parents fight, not that that can't be an issue too, but for me it was great to not see it! He has done a lot of damage to his family, my connection to them, in this phase. I am not sure how/if we can overcome it. I just have to do my best to hold my head high and stay alive through it all. At least I got some calories in today. Thank you again.