my borderline wife

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

hi, this is the first time for me posting, i have been in a marriage for two years with a woman that is high functioning borderline. I have been out of the marriage for almost a year now, and still having a difficult time getting on with my life. My relationship started very fast with my wife and she moved in with 6 weeks after we started dating. she played the victim role from her previous marriage in which it ended with her having an affair. she had been molested as child from a family member and was raised in a invalidating environment,  i noticed little things that were off in the beginning but as it went along things started to escalate. she would get triggered by some thing and would ends things us, she would usually do this once a month and the longest was three months. then the rages started, uncontrollable anger, there was no reasoning with her in these states and the vile statement that would come out were to hurt me.  "your not worth anything to any one why don't you go kill yourself" " you fat and ugly" I am a body builder so not fat. "you caused your mothers death" my mother passed away of a massive stroke. she would be come destructive and burn things, like our marriage vows or paintings.  Her insecurities were in credible, she would go into my facebook account and read messages from years before she and i ever got together, block people on my face book account, go into my phones, go into my work phone, emails. she would twist events that happened even the smallest things if she was telling to some else. i could never don anything right for her and said on one occasion "do i ever do anything right" her response "oh you do plenty right". As i write this gets harder and harder to write. I found out about BPD by doing research about bi polar and when i read the info about BPD i just started to cry, because it was her to a tee. She is now with someone else and wants no contact with me. this last year has been incredibly difficult for me as i have become clinically depressed, suffer from symptoms of ptsd. I live in a small city and it has been exasperating trying to find the right help i need. The sad thing i miss my wife and there's nothing that i can do. Klassenburg

[Klassenburg]

hi, this is the first time for me posting, i have been in a marriage for two years with a woman that is high functioning borderline. I have been out of the marriage for almost a year now, and still having a difficult time getting on with my life. My relationship started very fast with my wife and she moved in with 6 weeks after we started dating. she played the victim role from her previous marriage in which it ended with her having an affair. she had been molested as child from a family member and was raised in a invalidating environment,  i noticed little things that were off in the beginning but as it went along things started to escalate. she would get triggered by some thing and would ends things us, she would usually do this once a month and the longest was three months. then the rages started, uncontrollable anger, there was no reasoning with her in these states and the vile statement that would come out were to hurt me.  "your not worth anything to any one why don't you go kill yourself" " you fat and ugly" I am a body builder so not fat. "you caused your mothers death" my mother passed away of a massive stroke. she would be come destructive and burn things, like our marriage vows or paintings.  Her insecurities were in credible, she would go into my facebook account and read messages from years before she and i ever got together, block people on my face book account, go into my phones, go into my work phone, emails. she would twist events that happened even the smallest things if she was telling to some else. i could never don anything right for her and said on one occasion "do i ever do anything right" her response "oh you do plenty right". As i write this gets harder and harder to write. I found out about BPD by doing research about bi polar and when i read the info about BPD i just started to cry, because it was her to a tee. She is now with someone else and wants no contact with me. this last year has been incredibly difficult for me as i have become clinically depressed, suffer from symptoms of ptsd. I live in a small city and it has been exasperating trying to find the right help i need. The sad thing i miss my wife and there's nothing that i can do. Klassenburg

[Mutt]

Hi Klassenberg,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm glad that you finally found us, you'll see that you'll relate to many people here. My marriage ended in a similar fashion, I didn't find BPD until after we split.

I'd suggest to continue reading about the disorder, it will help you heal by depersonalizing the behaviours. Are you see a T ( therapist ) Did you have kids together? Do you want to tell us how you broke up?

[Turkish]

Hi Klassenburg,

That sounds brutal to go through, and she cutting off what contact you had even more hurtful.

I'm sorry that you are having trouble finding live recources where you live. We have a tool here which many members have found useful.  Maybe it will help while you continue to search:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/line-cognitive-therapy-program

Turkish

[Klassenburg]

Today i got a call from the police that i have been harassing my BPD wife, i sent her a text letting her know that one of our favorite dogs passed away. She did the same thing with her other ex husband. I don't weather to phone the police back and explain the situation.  Trying to get on with my life has been a difficult ordeal. I have done so much research about BPD and she meets 7 of the 9 criteria, she is high functioning. She plays the victim role all the time. I have been told that no contact is the only way to move on, I find it difficult to find any sort of help where i live in order to deal with the fall out that i have endured my this person. very up set today. I know what she has done, she has splitt me black and i am the bad person now.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Klassenburg,

I'd like to join the others in welcoming you to the site.  You're in the right place for support.  We look out for one another here and are all in it together.

Being split black is very upsetting and difficult for our minds to process because it isn't familiar in other relationships.  After losing a beloved pet it's no wonder you are feeling sad right now.  Try to find ways to comfort yourself and self soothe if you can.  Talk to friends and family about how you are feeling so that you are getting those feelings out or write about them here to purge them as this can help.  We are listening.

In my own dealings with the police (more than I care to have had) I have found it helps to be clear about the situation and upfront about the factors involved.  It can help them to understand and give them a balanced view.  The last thing you need is issues that can be avoided so I'd advise you to give them a call if you can, just to be on the safe side.  At least then you've had your say.  

Regards the no contact, you will find many here advocating it and I myself have gone down this route, however not until I'd read and digested the following article, which was really helpful to me.  I hope it is useful in allowing you to consider your options and decide what it best for you.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

Keep posting with any questions or just to share how you're feeling.  We'll help you every way we can.

Love and light x

[Klassenburg]

I have been to hell and back with woman,  how she changes facts to match her emotions and I know what she did today was the same thing she did to her first husband.  She made five police reports after thier devorce. There were times in our marriage where she was in a rage and I knew she was getting out of hand and went to leave only for her to threaten to call the police and tell them that I had struck her her child, which in have never done either. So there times where I couldn't even leave the situation. My threatens all time and she works with kids and has threatened harm towards the kids she works with.  She is always triggered by stress. How do I move on from someone like her?

[Harley Quinn]

My threatens all time and she works with kids and has threatened harm towards the kids she works with.  She is always triggered by stress. How do I move on from someone like her?

Could you tell us more about how the threats to children were delivered?  Was it to yourself?  Or actually at work?  I'm sure any workplace that deals with childcare would take this very seriously?  To hear something like this must have been extremely upsetting for you. 

To answer your question about moving on, I won't pretend that it's going to be easy.  However with the right help and support this is achievable and there are members here who can testify to that. 

The first thing I did was learn all I could about BPD, as you have, then began to look at myself and how to move forwards.  The process is like a marathon not a sprint, but worth taking the necessary time over.  Have you taken a look at the lessons to the right of the board here?    Also some of the articles on the site (check out the Insights tab at the top of the page) are excellent in answering some of our common questions that we struggle with.  The workshops and tools are also great. 

If you need help with anything specific do let us know and we can help you to find what you're looking for.  How is the search for help with the depression and PTSD going?  Are you able to travel a little further afield if necessary?  I know that Turkish gave you the link to the online CBT.  Some therapists will do online sessions via Skype or other means.

Love and light x   



 

[Klassenburg]

she said the threats to me, and the school she works for has been notified, but from what i understand nothing was done. She gets triggered by stress and her job has alot stress to it. I have done so much research about BPD and it fits her,  the problem i have is trying to get past all this and its been a year now it still have a hard time. Most of the time i feel like i am banging my head against the wall, there's just no help where i live. My wife put me through so much and i am not playing the victim or anything like that, but i was abused, emotional, mentally verbally. Now i have to start the process of devorce and i don't know if i am strong enough for that.