Coping with Results of Setting Personal Boundary

[Living Life]

My 97 year old BPD mother passed away in January; I learned about a month before she had totally changed her estate and left me nothing, not even 1/2 of my deceased father's estate that I had previously been willed. She verbally left me 1/2 the contents of her house. I thought my brother and I would handle the disposition of the household effects smoothly. But his wife is a 3rd party; she has reported all my mother's delusions and horrible feelings about me to my brother, and he has chosen to believe it all. Tensions mounted, she became very upset, events have escalated; he finally resorted to anger and name calling, just like my mother. I have chosen to break off our relationship. I feel guilt, but also a great relief. I thought the crazy making would end with the death of my mother, but no, he has taken on her role and it continues.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Living Life!   

Welcome to our online family. You are safe here, sharing among others who are able to understand. We all have a pwBPD in our lives that causes us pain and/or great challenges. I am sorry about the loss of your mom, and there is grief you are having to deal with during this whole process. Both of my parents passed away in recent years, including my uBPDm, and I have seen first hand how families can get torn apart fighting over 'things.' It is so sad. Do you feel as if grief was a contributor to what has taken place?

But his wife is a 3rd party; she has reported all my mother's delusions and horrible feelings about me to my brother, and he has chosen to believe it all. Tensions mounted, she became very upset, events have escalated; he finally resorted to anger and name calling, just like my mother.

Tell me about your sister-in-law. Does she show any signs that remind you of your mom's behavior? It's quite possible that your brother is triangulating, joining with his wife to come against you. I'll post a link for you that is all about this topic.

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

Let me know what you think of this. I hope it is helpful to you!
An extra hug for you! 

 
Wools

[Living Life]

Thank you for your reply and understanding. My nonBPD husband has given me suggestions on how to handle my mother over the years, and didn't understand that what is a normal and logical suggestion doesn't work in her world. In about the last 5 years, my SIL became my mother's new best friend; she had to talk to my mother while she and my brother visited about once a month for a few hours. He would go through her bills, then just sit and play with his phone. My mother had very low vision, but saw what he was doing and commented to the rest of us that he wouldn't talk to her. He couldn't stand her. And my mother and father disliked his wife; they came around after they needed her help, but still didn't really like her. As a stepmom she was verbally abusive to his 2 girls, about ages 6 and 8 when they went to live with them; within a few months, she totally ignored them. After she had her own child, they were required to eat separately and were not allowed to help themselves to food. My brother didn't step up and protect the girls; the older one graduated early and went off to college, the younger came to live with us age 15; they are now like our own daughters. They tolerate their dad, but really dislike and don't trust the stepmother (now married 42 years); but they are adults and are polite and just want to get along.

As the situation worsened, I have spent hours on the phone with both 'girls', now age 53 and 51; they are shocked at their dad's behavior. We have never understood why he married his wife; we now think he realized she could run his life and protect him. He can't deal with strong emotions, which is why he probably never defended his daughters; it would create a huge conflict and he just can't handle it. The trigger that really started the uproar was an email she sent to the girls and my husband, after clearing the house but before the estate sale, "I am the matriarch and you will follow my dictates". What normal adult says things like that, especially to 2 adult women and a 73 year old man. As the girls said, it brought them back to being 10 years old in their house with no personal power. I elected to make an issue of this and eventually ask for an apology. Instead, we got an email about all the reasons she said it. My husband replied; then my brother wigged out basically accusing us of attacking his wife who was a loving mother and grandmother, and accusing him of being a bad parent. We have always defended them to the girls as doing the best they could, never said anything about their parenting skills.

We think, that the SIL's ultimate goal is to get rid of me, which is done, and isolate the two older daughters, so she can have a nuclear family with her husband and 2 biological adult children and grandchildren. The oldest daughter told us, that at age 26, in therapy, the T told her that her father needed to 'grow some ba**s'. I think that is still true today.

When I told my brother that his wife had no standing in the estate, it should all be between he and I, he again, just totally wigged out on me. I said, it is my mother, not her's; the household stuff was given equally to the two of us, it was our decision on how to handle the material possessions. I have always felt that if he had taken charge and told her to stay out it, we could have worked everything out with little difficulty.

So yes, I think I have been 'thrown under the bus', and was doomed from the beginning. He needs her and depends on her, so I am extraneous. However, as horrible as he says I am, on some level, he appears to have some guilt over it all (from things he has said to his daughters). It is a really sad situation. He hid his personality well; all is rational and fine until he is emotionally stressed.

I know I made the correct decision in sending a 'divorce' letter and having NC. Peace and sanity is returning to my life, the sadness is no longer so over powering and is lessening each day, but I still feel tremendous guilt. On an intellectual level, I know that is how this dynamic works and my role in it as the black sheep, but it is still really hurtful.