My BPD/bipolar partner is accusing me of assault. I didn't do it.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My spouse of many years has atypical bipolar 1 as well several traits of borderline personality disorder. She has tried all of the meds, nothing seemed to work or at least not without side effects too unpleasant to cope with. She has really identified with DBT, and I've found the literature of BPD describes her behaviors much more accurately than that of bipolar.

She's currently in the midst of an extended (3 months so far) period of hypomania. I recently told her that I needed a break from the relationship, as a lot of her more recent behaviors felt to me like emotional abuse.

She initially responded positively, saying she was proud of me for taking care of myself (she has read and knows a lot of the literature.) Then a few hours later, she left the house abruptly, and messaged me to say that she had just realized that I had assaulted her a week previously, and I was a serious threat to her life. I had to leave the apartment immediately, surrender my keys, and subsequently she ordered me to stop using our joint bank account and credit cards. I'm not allowed to contact her.

I did not assault her. However, I genuinely believe that she thinks I did, and that to refuse her requests would only increase her agitation and escalate the situation. (I have access to emergency funds through other sources, though not enough to cover rent.) She also recently fired her therapist and ordered her psychiatrist to stop communicating with her unless she reaches out first.

She is saying I assaulted her on social media, not using my name but clearly identifying me to people who follow her and know me, including work colleagues, and is identifying herself as a domestic violence survivor. This is really hard for me - I always default to trusting women who say they were attacked/abused, and I still think that's the right thing to do. So I'm keeping a low profile right now, saying nothing to friends, including those who she has told, unless they ask me first.

I've been talking to an attorney, and I want an amicable divorce. My lawyer wants to contact her asap but I'm scared what might happen if she does. My experience suggests that this will be taken as an aggressive act, and that things will escalate further. I don't see any signs of her getting the help she needs to come out of this hypomanic episode, and ironically it seems possible that DBT has given her the skills to evade the depressive crash that has usually come within a month of previous episodes.

I guess I'm writing this 1) because I have to keep a lot of this bottled up, on my lawyer's advice, from people who know us, and I want someone to bear witness to this horrific situation, and 2) because I don't know what to do about the separation. Do I wait until I hear from others that she is in treatment? Or do I give the lawyer the go ahead to contact her, and brace myself for whatever might result, in order to get this done?

Thank you for reading. This is horrible.

[fleming22]

My spouse of many years has atypical bipolar 1 as well several traits of borderline personality disorder. She has tried all of the meds, nothing seemed to work or at least not without side effects too unpleasant to cope with. She has really identified with DBT, and I've found the literature of BPD describes her behaviors much more accurately than that of bipolar.

She's currently in the midst of an extended (3 months so far) period of hypomania. I recently told her that I needed a break from the relationship, as a lot of her more recent behaviors felt to me like emotional abuse.

She initially responded positively, saying she was proud of me for taking care of myself (she has read and knows a lot of the literature.) Then a few hours later, she left the house abruptly, and messaged me to say that she had just realized that I had assaulted her a week previously, and I was a serious threat to her life. I had to leave the apartment immediately, surrender my keys, and subsequently she ordered me to stop using our joint bank account and credit cards. I'm not allowed to contact her.

I did not assault her. However, I genuinely believe that she thinks I did, and that to refuse her requests would only increase her agitation and escalate the situation. (I have access to emergency funds through other sources, though not enough to cover rent.) She also recently fired her therapist and ordered her psychiatrist to stop communicating with her unless she reaches out first.

She is saying I assaulted her on social media, not using my name but clearly identifying me to people who follow her and know me, including work colleagues, and is identifying herself as a domestic violence survivor. This is really hard for me - I always default to trusting women who say they were attacked/abused, and I still think that's the right thing to do. So I'm keeping a low profile right now, saying nothing to friends, including those who she has told, unless they ask me first.

I've been talking to an attorney, and I want an amicable divorce. My lawyer wants to contact her asap but I'm scared what might happen if she does. My experience suggests that this will be taken as an aggressive act, and that things will escalate further. I don't see any signs of her getting the help she needs to come out of this hypomanic episode, and ironically it seems possible that DBT has given her the skills to evade the depressive crash that has usually come within a month of previous episodes.

I guess I'm writing this 1) because I have to keep a lot of this bottled up, on my lawyer's advice, from people who know us, and I want someone to bear witness to this horrific situation, and 2) because I don't know what to do about the separation. Do I wait until I hear from others that she is in treatment? Or do I give the lawyer the go ahead to contact her, and brace myself for whatever might result, in order to get this done?

Thank you for reading. This is horrible.

[Emotions]

I would tread carefully but speak truths calmly and confidently, yet remain humble, compassionate and caring... .let the truth speak for itself and if she doesn't have evidence you should be ok... .as far as the legal stuff I have no idea but I suggest that your lawyer knows best... .good luck

[MarkTwain]

At this point you do what your lawyer says... .You pay them the big $ for a reason.

And document everything - download smart voice recorder to your phone and record any interaction. Don't engage, don't fight, just deal with what's absolutely needed and get away.

Backup in 2-3 places and start moving on with your life.

[HopinAndPrayin]

Fleming, you are right to be concerned about your attorney's reach out potentially escalating the situation.  There is a book about divorcing a high conflict personality not so ironically called, "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder".

This is not a normal divorce and attorneys are not normally experienced in dealing with this kind of mental illness. My attorney had read this book and it changed our approach.  We are doing a LC / NC slow play and got a post-nip signed at a point where he just wanted to be rid of me.  It felt like for the first time in a long time there might be hope at salvaging my life post-divorce.  Mine also claimed I was physically abusive, even though I had never touched him.  Keep logs and journals of every where you go and start documenting EVERYTHING you remember on specific dates.  I have copious files of emails, gchats, text messages that show how unhinged he was.  Protect yourself first.  You also have rights around your belongings.  You may have to make some calculated decisions around what is worth it versus a potential criminal charge being filed.  Even if you are completely innocent, you can end up getting arrested.  Make the right choice for you.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1608820254/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1500827247&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=splitting+protecting+yourself+while+divorcing&dpPl=1&dpID=41UUPvx3YDL&ref=plSrch

[MarkTwain]

Flip side to what hopinandprayin said :

The BPD partner isn't going to spare your feelings. Focusing on treading carefully can put you in a legal quandry. Judges do look at things like timing of filings to "fill in the information gaps" resulting from the he said she said.

I have put things off to spare my partner on numerous occasions - I wish I'd never done that as the judge has asked me multiple times to explain my motivations as he found them to be questionable as an outsider.

Let the lawyer focus on the legal side - you focus on healing yourself, and let them focus on whatever they choose to focus on - probably attacking you (hopefully on healing themselves but let's be realistic here)

[SES]

Past behaviour is a good predictor of future behaviour. I used a mobile phone recorder and micro video camera for my interactions. In the face of false allegations to the Police (incl. one arrest and one invitation to have an interview under caution-or face arrest), the recordings saved me more than once. 15 years of marriage, and I didn't predict what was going to happen.  She started small, but ended with allegations that could have put me in prison.  Now... .I won't even have a conversation with her, and handover of kids is always video recorded and at a distance.

It used to hurt me that she lied about me to friends, family, colleagues and the kids school.  My address book changed over night. I kind of figure that if someone wants to believe her, then they are no friend of mine.

I agree, take good legal advice and look after yourself.

[david]

My ex filed three protection orders against me over a four year period. She then filed an assault charge against me. I did nothing wrong at any point in time to warrant any of the accusations. On the assault charge I was found guilty of disorderly conduct and jailed for two weeks. I lost my job because of it. That was in 2010. Upon getting out of jail I purchased a video recorder and an audio recorder. I let ex know the first time I went to pick our boys up. I haven't been accused of any wrongdoing since I made those purchases. I only communicate through email. My state does not allow recording. I got yelled at by several judges when ex brings it up in court. I asked one of the judges how could I protect myself from false allegations and got yelled at some more. I can handle getting yelled at so that is not a big deal to me. I can't use the recordings in court but I can show it to the police so I won't get arrested in the first place.

[SES]

David- that sounds incredibly hard. Words fail me.  Sorry you went through that. I still find my night in police custody traumatic.

Regarding recordings... .as a result of my recordings she ended up with a Police Caution for domestic violence for throwing boiling water over me.  A DV charity said that she should have been presented to the courts, but Police dealt with it by means of a caution. Without a recording... .I doubt anyone would have believed me. She made false allegations of harassment to the Police,in part for recording her... .the Police advised me to back my recordings up and never delete them. Can't help thinking they knew the direction of travel.

[david]

They originally sent me to the main prison in the area to place me. The woman there asked me what I was charged with. I was not too happy at the time and I said my mentally ill wife wrongfully accused me of assault and I was found guilty of disorderly conduct. The woman told me that people don't get sent to prison for two weeks for disorderly conduct. She asked me a bunch of other questions like what drugs do you do (none), how much alcohol do you drink ( it was Sept and I told her I believe I had two beers and three gin and tonics so far this year). I did not give the woman any attitude although she could tell I was upset. Finally their computer came through and I was telling the truth about what I was found guilty of. She noticed the judge and made a comment about how that judge doesn't like men. I was transferred to a minimum security place after that. The first few days I was extremely upset. The prison was like One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest. Two guards should have been sent to jail for the way they treated people. One prisoner actually paid the guards off and was allowed to leave the site to make a deposit at a nearby bank every week with the money he made selling cigarettes. Smoking was not permitted. I found out that there is a street drug that mimics heroin but can't be found in a blood test. Several prisoners were lying on the floor quite high and all anyone did was step over them. After a few days of this I came to the conclusion my ex was not going to do this to me again. I decided to buy a recording device at that time. Most of the prisoners had dui's and were actually glad to be locked up so they wouldn't drink. I found out later that the guards were also selling alcohol to the prisoners so I'm not sure what to believe.
When I went in they made me count all the money I had in my wallet and pocket. When I was released they didn't have enough money to give it all back to me. They gave me a choice, stay until they got enough money which could be tomorrow or sign out saying I got all of my money. I signed out of course. Not a good experience but one that convinced me to protect myself from my ex under all circumstances.

[fleming22]

Thanks HopinAndPrayin, I bought that book and it's been a great help.

And I'm so sorry David, that sounds truly horrific. It certainly puts my experience (so far) into perspective.

[david]

This all started in 2007 until jail in 2010.
Nothing since that time as I have protected myself. I have been to several occasions where ex was too. She knows I will take nothing from her anymore and she will not cross that line. I have called the police a few times since then because of something she was doing. I made a boundary and I stick to it. She has always backed down since I was doing nothing wrong and have rock solid proof.
Ex has tried to provoke me a few times. I did not react and I had plenty of witnesses. The only thing that has happened is she helped others see who she really is.
When ex first ran away she was in a manic type state. At first I thought she was bi polar. Her personal car physician, a family friend at the time, talked to me about it and suggested she would be diagnosed bi polar. I read a bunch of books on the subject and it never sat well with me. I stumbled onto BPD and a light bulb went off. It explained many of the things that perplexed me when we were together.
The big reason I was not convicted of assault was that there was absolutely no evidence to suggest it. My ex lied on the stand and the judge stopped the trial because she didn't "need to hear anymore". She told me I was a despicable person and shouldn't see our kids anymore. Disorderly conduct, as a summary offense, is like a slap on the wrist. I have several friends that are attorneys and they even questioned me saying no one goes to jail for two weeks for a summary offense of disorderly conduct. I told them to look it up and they all called me back and said what happened made no sense. Fortunately, after 5 years, I could get my record expunged and I did.

[bunny4523]

Fleming,

Gosh I am so sorry to hear this, it is such a horrible ordeal.  The most difficult part is how you deal best with a person with BPD doesn't mesh with the way to legally handle this type of situation. 

Her pushing you away is probably a sign that she FEARS you leaving her and what she really wants is for you to contact her which I wouldn't do if I were you.

Try not to focus on the "bashing" she is doing towards you.  If I were to read something a friend posted about being assualted online, I would definately NOT buy into it.  That's crazy to post things like that which makes one question the allegation. 

Do what is right... .let your attorney contact her if that is best for your case.  You can't live your life afraid of how she is going to react.  I only say this because she is going to over react often and there is nothing you can do to stop her.  That is her issue, not yours.  I know what your feeling, I've been there but thinking you can control her reaction is just an allusion.

I think hopin & praying has a very valid point but I don't know that the world is ready for all of that.  Might do you some good to read the articles/books and help guide the attorney but you will be playing this game with the court system... .not your ex like Mark Twain mentions.  That's who you need to impress upon. 

Stay true to yourself and push out the fears... .they will guide you in the wrong direction.  Try to stick to facts versus emotions the best that you can.  Saying you assaulted her is one thing (scary enough)  Did she file anything?  Even if she did those charges could be dropped... .I know it is a scary thought, the what ifs, but remember she has to prove it.

Her smearing you on social media might be something the lawyer can get stopped.

Sincerely wishing you the best & please keep us updated,
Bunny

[bunny4523]

They originally sent me to the main prison in the area to place me... .

David,

That is horrible. I'm so glad you got out of it and found a way to protect yourself.  I get it completely, record record record... .who cares if it can't be used in court.  It keeps her in line.  That's the purpose that the judge was missing... .
again so sorry you went through that but so glad you came out of it.

Bunny

[ForeverDad]

I recently told her that I needed a break from the relationship, as a lot of her more recent behaviors felt to me like emotional abuse.

She initially responded positively, saying she was proud of me for taking care of myself (she has read and knows a lot of the literature.) Then a few hours later, she left the house abruptly, and messaged me to say that she had just realized that I had assaulted her a week previously, and I was a serious threat to her life. I had to leave the apartment immediately, surrender my keys, and subsequently she ordered me to stop using our joint bank account and credit cards. I'm not allowed to contact her.

I did not assault her. However, I genuinely believe that she thinks I did, and that to refuse her requests would only increase her agitation and escalate the situation... .

Did you save that message where she stated she had "just realized" an assault "a week previously"?  That may be important.  How disconnected is she that it takes a week to believe that you're a "serious threat"?

Evidently she hasn't filed for any protection or restraining orders?  All she'd done is just make her demands and terms?  If so, then your situation is not as dire as it could be, her terms are not legally enforceable as a court order but still are scary and a huge issue to address.  But a truism here is that if a disordered person has contemplated or threatened to make allegations, then it will happen given enough time.

She may not be Bipolar.  In years past many insurances wouldn't cover Borderline and so Bipolar was a close fit which was accepted for treatment and therapy.  Bipolar often is treated with meds but BPD is a behavioral or cognitive disorder, meds may moderate but not resolve.

The fact that she has a psychiatrist and past prescriptions may help you if you need to defend yourself in court or to agencies, you could ask for a psych eval to help the court to figure things out.  However, don't count on evaluators or courts to care about a specific diagnosis.  Most here who went through divorces never got a diagnosis, courts care more about behaviors and behavior patterns.

Be careful how you say things if you want her back.  Why?  An aggressive lawyer could twist and argue that you want her back to control her.  My ex's lawyer asked me that trying to cast me as a controller and abuser.  I sidestepped it by replying, "No, I don't want her back, not the way she is."

You're being practical contemplating divorce.  You can't risk living with her and her making allegations in legal formats - petitioning for protection or restraining orders.  In other words, you can't continue a marriage with someone you fear.