I have some questions that perhaps someone can answer

[kim2017]

Reading this string has been so helpful and insightful for me. I always wondered what is the difference between a normal breakup and a BOD breakup. It seems the answer is the abruptness, the lack of empathy, projecting, and blame. Boy did I get the blame - "All you. 100% you" is all I heard in our brief encounter after 2 years, 4 intertwined children and a pending marriage. I was never allowed to see them, contact them, blocked from everything as if I never existed.

I have some questions that perhaps someone can answer:

What is splitting?
It's been 7 months of no contact and I can still feel his anger. Does this ever dissipate so that they miss you? Do they ever see the extremity.

I read a lot about a high liklihood they come back. Mine completely killed me off as if I never existed. He's filled with pure anger and hatred. I can't imagine him ever coming back and if he does it's just to yell at me more and blame me more.

With proper study and tools - such as learning to validate, understanding the disorder, helping them with their fear of abandonment, is it possible to have a normal marriage and life with a BPD?

It's just that when they're good, they're so good and when they're bad, they're so bad. So why not learn to keep them by working with the disorder. Is this possible?

[Harley Quinn]

I have some questions that perhaps someone can answer:

What is splitting?
It's been 7 months of no contact and I can still feel his anger. Does this ever dissipate so that they miss you? Do they ever see the extremity.

With proper study and tools - such as learning to validate, understanding the disorder, helping them with their fear of abandonment, is it possible to have a normal marriage and life with a BPD?

It's just that when they're good, they're so good and when they're bad, they're so bad. So why not learn to keep them by working with the disorder. Is this possible?

Hi Kim2017,

This thread covers many of the reasons why BPD relationships end in the way that they do.  With that in mind (understanding the psychology, as the thread is discussing) it is important to consider that long term treatment is an important factor into long term r/s success, and hard work on both parts is necessary.  Are you asking if you could hold it up on your own?  If so, should you have to and at what cost to yourself? 

Here are a couple of links that may help you a little with your questions.  You can also take a look at the lessons on the Improving board.  Perhaps read some posts there to get some perspective from others.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

Love and light x

[roberto516]

Are you asking if you could hold it up on your own?  If so, should you have to and at what cost to yourself?  

This is the big thing that keeps me grounded on the bad days. I tried. Very hard. I heard her concerns and actively would try to make changes necessary to improve the relationship. But it was all me. She was okay with me getting angry, realizing where I went wrong, and then actively trying to change so I wouldn't react like I used to. But that was all on me. Without your partner taking active steps to work in the relationship you would have eventually burned out. I know I did. And then god forbid you are in a situation where you need genuine support the odds of you receiving it were slim to none.

Sometimes I peak at the other forums and see people still in relationships with people and it looks draining to me. As much as I miss her I was exhausted. She used to tell me her ex said to her "You are exhausting." Well I never told her that but I agree 100% with it. It's not a life I want to live anymore nor did I ever really want to live it. She would live her life and take care of herself as she needed to and I would always be at her beck and call and try my best to find some time for me while always making sure that her needs were being met. When I failed or couldn't keep my emotions on the side anymore she would want to go on a break. A subconscious way to run from the work that could be done together as well as "look what will happen if we argue".

These questions are normal. Sometimes cold hard logic is what's best in a situation like this.