Ideas for BIFF response?

[takingandsending]

So, I got this text from my uBPDxw this afternoon as we were catching up on joint bills to pay.

"Also I was thinking about renting a car to [destination]. It would be cheaper for both of us splitting it then me borrowing your car and having to have the work done that you probably need to have done on your car and cheaper than me bringing my car in so that they feel comfortable that you're driving it back-and-forth to your work. What do you think about that?  Plus it would allow for the bikes to be brought, Including mine.

Since I'm driving myself, without a helper, nice to have as much ease in this as possible. Plus I will have had a long week being on as well, so I'm driving back like it to be as equally as much ease as possible"

Backstory: I offered to let her borrow my car when she takes S11 and S6 to violin camp for twelve days, and I will use her car in the interim. My car has working a/c, and is more reliable for long distance. I did this so that S11 and S6 would be safe on the trip - no a/c is not an option. I have already paid for half the camp tuition, as both xw and I want to support the boys continuing their musical training. I will not attend, although she requested I help drive them there and then camp in a field, use up my work vacation time, while they stay at a vacation rental house at camp destination. I politely declined and refrained from asking What the heck?

More backstory: I already split my paycheck with her so that we can live in two separate households. She repeatedly demands more money with usual BPD sense of entitlement.


Thoughts on BIFF response? I am wound up right now so finding it hard not to tell her how full of cr-p she is.

[flourdust]

I'm not 100% clear on the chain of events here. I gather the plan is for you to swap cars for a few weeks, and now she's proposing instead that you both pay to rent a car for her.

BIFF response: "Thanks for the interesting suggestion. I want to stay with the plan we agreed on."

[takingandsending]

Thanks flourdust. I removed interesting and sent it. Not sure why she thinks I need to pay for a rental car on her vacation.

[flourdust]

Thanks flourdust. I removed interesting and sent it. Not sure why she thinks I need to pay for a rental car on her vacation.

Excellent.

[takingandsending]

Yeah. I got back that she didn't think we had agreed on anything, blah, blah, blah. I told her I was bringing my car into the shop for work Monday. Leaves her with responsibility for what she wants to do on her trip. Such novel concepts.

[flourdust]

Blah blah blah is right. You have a car. She has a car. You've offered to trade. If she refuses, she can take her car. Or just not go at all. You can't control what she does. The kids will survive a trip in a car with no a/c (that's why the windows roll down), and they'll even survive missing their violin camp. Yes, it's far from ideal ... .but, again, you can't control her.

[takingandsending]

flourdust,

It's a hard mindset for me to get into. I don't control her. But I am used to going the extra mile for my kids' sake. I don't want them traveling in 100 degree heat without a/c. I don't want them to miss camp, especially when we pre-paid the tuition. But you're right. I have no control over it. Xw is high enough functioning that she will use her credit card to pay for her comfort. More likely, she will take my car now that she sees I am not subsidizing her rental car.

[RedPill]

It's a hard mindset for me to get into. I don't control her. But I am used to going the extra mile for my kids' sake.

Ditto. As a "fixer" it's hard for me to let go.

[flourdust]

flourdust,

It's a hard mindset for me to get into. I don't control her. But I am used to going the extra mile for my kids' sake. I don't want them traveling in 100 degree heat without a/c. I don't want them to miss camp, especially when we pre-paid the tuition.

Yes, it does take practice to not be controlled by FOG. Can you turn this around and view it a little differently? While your wife has custody of the kids, she's responsible for them. If she is using the threat of unpleasant things happening to the kids unless you do what she wants, she's using the kids to control you.

[ForeverDad]

Thanks flourdust. I removed interesting and sent it. Not sure why she thinks I need to pay for a rental car on her vacation.

Her perspective is an entitled one.  Of course she likes ideas that are in her favor.  And of course your thoughts don't matter, if she can get away with it.

As my mother en;lightened me when my grandfather had given me $5, just the once, and asked me not to tell his wife, my step-grandmother... ."Her money is her money, his money is their money."

[takingandsending]

Hi ForeverDad.

Funny you should refresh this thread. I just got a text last night from uBPDxw asking to pay for half a night at hotel as she has to drive the kids alone to the music camp destination, and it's too far for her to drive in a day. So, on this trip, I have been asked to pay for:

1. Half the camp tuition. [I agreed because I got manipulated into it during mediation session - you said we pay half on extra-curricular activity like music lessons]
2. Half the car rental. [I refused]
3. Half of a private lesson for S11 because his group lesson interfered with xw leaving early enough to drive to friend's house (half way to destination) to sleep over tonight. [I agreed but have not paid]
4. Half of motel, as apparently friend's house is not an option any longer. [I will refuse]

I am trying to keep agreements limited to only tuition/lesson payments, even though I know she would not agree to do the same if I were taking the boys.

But yes, entitlement and demands that I see what a "monumental" task she is taking on getting them there ... .a task I have done for the last 2 years with no recognition or thanks. You could argue that there were 2 parents in the car, so it was different, but that would be ignoring that she put her ear buds in, listened to self-help podcasts and left the driving, DVD/music/audio book entertainment, food and bathroom breaks to me over a 10 hour road trip (7 hours driving). True, she was available some of the time, but largely ... .no. Guess who woke early the next morning with the kids to make breakfast and go to the lake while the other slept in ... .

[david]

When my ex and I first separated she was always asking me to contribute my share, $$, for raising the kids. I had EOW and one dinner night. I was still in our house and she "knew" I couldn't do it on my own. Eventually I realized I was doing pretty much the same things I was doing before she ran away. Cooking, cleaning, making meals, etc. I stopped "contributing" my share and she didn't like that at all. She learned that I was not going along with the things she demanded. I did have concerns about our boys. However, I realized if she really was unable to take care of them I would get more time with them. She is a registered nurse so she can work if she wants. She was working back then (2007). She was "injured" at work a few years back and went on workers comp. I believe she got a payout and is running out of money. She has been telling our boys that she got a job at a hospital about 6 months ago but hasn't started yet ?
Our oldest moved in with me full time in June. I have no problem calling the police if I ever thought our youngest (14) was in any danger that a call to the police was in order.
I went to pick our youngest up this last Wednesday. Our custody order is week on/week off during the summer. I called S14 about 5 minutes before arriving. I woke him up. I told him I would be there soon. It took him about 20 minutes to get ready and out the door. His mom was still sleeping when he left.

[livednlearned]

For her, it probably is a monumental task to get the kids there 

She might be functioning at a pretty young emotional age, and problem-solving and responsibility aren't second nature to her.

Depending on how severe her BPD is, it might be best to focus on the times she solves things well, and validate how tough it can be to handle change when plans don't work out.

And stick to saying no while you train her that there is a new normal, going easy on yourself when you slide a bit.

I think I wrote a version of "I will stick to the parenting plan" 100+ times those first two years, even when it inconvenienced myself, and often when it inconvenienced my son. If your ex is not too severe, you can probably waffle a bit and be more cooperative, but expect things to stay aggravating because your generosity will not likely be reciprocated (for her, being nice is probably connected more to mood than anything).

[insideout77]

What is often missed here with these entitled people is they have no concept of a what it means to receive a gesture.  They will never appreciate it and if you make one you will only resent it later b/c it will never be repaid plus they will only demand more. They assume if you gave them something, it was bc it belonged to them and you owed it to them. 

its somewhat simple if you think about it. They see the world to be the same way they are. They are all about themselves always and they assume everyone else is too.

bottom line, do what what works for you, if you do make a gesture, do it becomes it helps you, not them.

[takingandsending]

Thank you lnl (missed you!) and insideout77.

I don't expect anything back. I do what I think will support my sons. But, I am going to confess that it was very hard to see this (third) annual trip happen, step back and see where I had filled in all the gaps and spaces of things that needed taking care of. Listening to my xw rattle off all of the things that she had to do and remind me repeatedly of how she "has no help" was a weird reminder/warning of just how much I overdid that I didn't even acknowledge myself ... .because it was our norm.

And I had a lot of anxiety as I watched her drive away with the kids, really, really hoping that she doesn't have any major dysregulation during their trip, knowing how unlikely that is and how I kept things together for so long.

Sticking to the parenting plan that isn't completed yet, well let's just say I have been doing a lot of favors, documenting them on the calendar and am building a compelling story for discussing custody with the child specialist. We are supposed to meet on August 17th. My xw hasn't agreed to the meeting, but I am going to keep pushing it.

[insideout77]

Its must be really hard. its great that you are able to step back and see it and learn to validate yourself, especially b/c she will never acknowledge that or validate your feelings.

but i sense you know that already.

Keep in mind as you document favors, that they don't count for anything as far as court or custody is concerned unless you are careful to couch them in different terms.

 I.e.   It wasn't favors you did for her, rather things you are doing to make sure the kids are safe and protected and hence you are in the best position to be able to provide a stable and healthy environment for them. 

 Stick to the facts (a narcs worse enemy) and stay far away from feelings and emotions (a narcs best friend).

[takingandsending]

Favors are more black and white - like dates I took the kids while she was away for her work travel, or extra time during her custody dates where I took kids to dance lessons, library, got dinner for them. That sort of stuff. Just to show that when she says I only have the kids on the weekends primarily, I can point to those "favors" and show that I can handle them during the week, too.

[insideout77]

Favors are more black and white - like dates I took the kids while she was away for her work travel, or extra time during her custody dates where I took kids to dance lessons, library, got dinner for them. That sort of stuff. Just to show that when she says I only have the kids on the weekends primarily, I can point to those "favors" and show that I can handle them during the week, too.

Thats great and it sounds like you a got a good handle.

As a marketing person I cant resist another suggestion. Results oriented.   

Put yourself in the mediators or Judges head. Your trying to show that you have the kids a lot more than it seems and you want it to be obvious immediately. No one cares about the the details although you have them listed.

Can you make a calendar (in google in 5 minutes) and color code it with the actual time you had the kids and the actual time she had the kids  (not the schedule but the actual time).

Say your red and she is green.   Your goal is that ALOT of red will flash out at them. It will be obvious without having to pry over the specifics that you are actually taking care of the kids more and should be awarded more time with them if that is your goal.

[david]

I went to court to change our custody years ago. I filed in 2008 or 2009. Ex dragged it out for over two plus years through legal tactics. My petition was based on the fact that our boys did the majority of their school work when they were with me even though ex had majority of time during the school year. Of course, ex got the petition when it was filed yet she never changed her behavior. I copied every homework for those two plus years. I signed and dated every one. When ex first saw me signing things she did the same at her place without realizing she was helping me a lot. When we finally got to court my attorney had a pile that was at least 8 inches tall. I summarized the pile on one sheet of paper which was on the top. It showed that our boys did over 95 % of their school work when with me. In addition,around 45 % of  the school work done at their moms was either incomplete or grossly incorrect. The judge looked at the poile and ,I am certain, was glad to see that top sheet. He asked ex if the top[ sheet was correct and she made the decision not to contest it. She knew it was correct and we would have to go through each and every homework if she disagreed. The top sheet was introduced as evidence. Evidence holds more weight than verbal testimony and is a process to introduce in court. It was a slam dunk after that. All ex had was unsubstantiated allegations and accusations.