My SO is having a really hard time lately

[Frankee]

I agree with this.  It is so easy to focus on how that person is hurting you and how bad they are doing.  I admit I do that.  I know there are things I need to work on personally, just so I can look at myself and know that I am trying to be a good person.  It is hard though.  My SO is having a really hard time lately.  Lashing out, violent outburst that usually end up with me as a direct target for all his negative, uncontrolled angry emotions.  Most of the time I'm left feeling devastated, like a horrible person, and shell shocked at the incident.  He has his good moments, but lately they seem few and far between.  I'm trying to keep positive for my kids and just my own sanity.  I'm not by any means a saint. I've made mistakes, some I wish I could go back an erase, but I can't.  So I keep moving forward, working on trying to find how to find happiness and a peace of mind.  He may never get better.  We may never be together the rest of our lives, but I do know that we everything is said and done, I can stand there and say that I did my best.  And that's all one can do.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Frankee and Welcome  ,

I'm sorry to hear you're going through that right now.  Are you living together?

My SO is having a really hard time lately.  Lashing out, violent outburst that usually end up with me as a direct target for all his negative, uncontrolled angry emotions.  Most of the time I'm left feeling devastated, like a horrible person, and shell shocked at the incident. 

When you say violent outbursts, are you meaning he is directly violent towards you?  My exBPDbf was violent towards me and it was very frightening.  Do you feel safe around your SO?  Something I did was to visit a local domestic abuse support services drop in at my doctors surgery.  They helped me to devise a safety plan just in case.  Whatever you plan to do in the r/s, I'd encourage you to look at safety planning just to be prepared and safeguard yourself if necessary.  Knowing what to do helped me enormously.  It took only minutes and was really useful for me. 

I'm not by any means a saint. I've made mistakes, some I wish I could go back an erase, but I can't.  So I keep moving forward, working on trying to find how to find happiness and a peace of mind.  He may never get better.  We may never be together the rest of our lives, but I do know that we everything is said and done, I can stand there and say that I did my best.  And that's all one can do.

You seem open to what the future holds for the r/s and trust me, nobody is exempt from making mistakes.  I have made plenty!  Is your SO receiving any treatment to look at their own behaviours in this r/s?  How long have you been together?

Love and light x 

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Frankee,

I'm sorry that you are feeling so hurt and scared. You've found a place where you can share what you are going through with people who understand.

What kinds of things does your H get mad about? When he gets mad, what does it do?

[Frankee]

He yells a lot.  We had a huge fight yesterday.  It ended up with a break through where we both expressed our true emotions... it was short lived though.  He got mad again today and decided to play the "cold, distant, and do whatever I want to".  Sometimes that is scarier than when he yells.  Our recent explosion was due to a misunderstanding that was caused by his idiot brother.  My SO found condoms wedged in the passenger seat of our car, then stuck them in the console so I would find them (he thought they were mine).  I found them yesterday and stuck them in the steering wheel cover so he would find them (cause I thought they were his, even though they seemed small so didn't make sense)... so that as you know didn't end well.  We had an all out fight before it was discovered that his brother found them.  What's even worse is he made me apologize for accusing him because he said since I'm sure a liar and like to hid things, that it is more likely that I would be the one to cheat and said I know if he was ever going to cheat, he would tell me just to piss me off (which I believe). 

We had it out for hours and it ended up with us coming to an understanding... but then today, I didn't answer his question properly and I didn't go get the new phone this morning (because he smashed mine) and instead went to put money on a card for a bill and picked up a couple things.  I was feeling good until that.  And when get go mad, he started to yell, accused me of doing it on purpose so he would get upset and look like a monster in front of the kids.  Yes, I did snap at him, but I apologized... which he didn't accept.  He keeps saying I do this stuff on purpose and that there is no point in making plans with me anymore because I never do anything we talk about.

We have two kids together.  A 6 and 1 year old.  He doesn't like to yell in front of the kids and neither do I.  I try to watch how I act so I don't set him off, but today I slipped when I snapped and starting getting upset because I feel he always sees the bad I do, not the good.

He's not receiving treatment.  He knows that he's off and we have talked about his past and his experiences that made him this way.  He has changed a lot since we have met and he's a wonderful dad.  Just the things between us are turning sour real quick and I'm starting to think it may be too late to save what we had.  It's going to take a lot of work I know that.  I just still feel like when I try to feel better, we always ends up back at ground zero.