Wants to be friends but doesn't want a relationship

[Pinksunset]

My exBPD ended things this week for the millionth time, only this time was different.  He was not raging, he has tried to stop drinking, and he seemed completely rational.  He has been telling me for years that he doesn't want a relationship because we are not good together.  Usually he gets angry at something I've done (which usually doesn't make sense to me), so I brush it under the rug and we carry on as usual. 

Yesterday was my first attempt at NC.  I went all day concentrating on work and not calling him.  Late last night, a mutual friend texted the two of us but I couldn't see the message and couldn't get in touch with mutual friend.  So, telling myself I was just going to contact exBPD because I was worried about mutual friend, I sent a text to exBPD.  We started texting.  And then he called me.  I could tell immediately that he had been drinking. 

We had a nice talk and caught up with news over the last few days since we have been spending that time splitting things up (and me crying).  He has said he doesn't want to share such things because he doesn't want to get close to anyone, yet he shared a lot with me. 

He also said he regretted hurting me but that he just wants to be friends and doesn't want a relationship.  In the past, whenever he's said that, my boundary has been to tell him it was all or nothing.  Romantic relationship or not friends at all.

Now that things are truly at an end, I want to stay friends but I know that isn't what I truly want.  I want it back to the way it was before.  Yes, it wasn't ideal, but at least I felt like he never really meant it that he was done.  He always got over it and we went back to our normal.

He says he's not dating anyone nor looking.  When he had broken up with me though, he said that a friend was fishing and he was going out with her.  And that I needed to date.  Last night he said he was only telling me that so I would go away.  (I've always told him the only way I would ever leave him is if he were dating someone else.)

I think he truly loves me but I don't k ow what to believe anymore.  I know he feels remorse when he rages at me, even though he never apologizes right after.  He now says he's tired of hurting me, tired of our relationship, and that there's a slim to no chance that we could ever make it again.

He also says I'm too intense and doesn't want to make plans with me.  I want to remain in his life but I don't want to be in the friend zone.  What should I do?  In the past, sex would be the way back to normal, but now he says he doesn't want a physical relationship with anyone.  Does that make sense for a BPD, or has he really lost interest in me and has painted me black forever?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Meili]

I can relate to much of what you wrote. I went through a similar situation, as many other members here have. I'm sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other.

The "friend zone" is a very hard place to be when you want a romantic relationship with someone. At some point, you're going to have to decide if that is enough for you for now.

You wrote:

I want it back to the way it was before.

I'm going to wager a bet that you don't truly want it back the way that it was, but you want it better than it was. The good news is that it is possible. Others have done it. It's a hard, often times painful, process that is slow. It takes a lot of focusing on yourself and inner strength.

There is a lot of information here - articles, workshops, etc. - and we'll help you find what you need. Read the posts of others and ask any questions that come to mind. Posting about what is happening is therapeutic and will help us know how to best support you.

Take care of you. Tell us more about what is going on when you feel comfortable.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Pinksunset,

Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear that your partner has broken up with you for the millionth time. I have been in a similar situation, and it can wear you down, emotionally.    I'm glad you posted here. Members here understand the challenges of loving someone with BPD. The site also has tons of tools and resources that can help things get better for you.

I want to remain in his life but I don't want to be in the friend zone.  What should I do? 

It's good that you know your feelings around this issue, and I think in times like these, it's important to keep them in mind, and communicate them again, if necessary. You know that you don't want to just be friends. He may be hoping that you'll "review" that limit and change your stance. I think it would be helpful to be honest with yourself and with him about your feelings around this.

Does that make sense for a BPD, or has he really lost interest in me and has painted me black forever?

Oftentimes the behaviors of our partners don't make sense to us, but there are patterns that do occur often with people with BPD. We have information that can help you understand what might be behind his current actions:

Understanding Your Partner's Behaviors

How long have you been with your partner, Pinksunset?

Keep writing. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[Pinksunset]

Thank you all for your kind words.

I pushed for more contact and he has shut the door completely on me.  I have no choice but to stay away.  I sent a few undignified texts begging for any kind of relationship.  My self esteem is shattered and I just don't want him to hate me.  I can't understand right now why I'm more worried about his feelings than my own right now. 

It's sad, but I'm hoping that he would try to recycle me, but that has never happened.  It was always me chasing after him.  13 years.  I'm having a hard time functioning right now.  However, one more hour and then I can say I haven't contacted him in 24 hours.  I was doing okay until a few hours ago-we live near one another and he happened to pull up behind me.  Since then, I've been wondering what he's doing, thinking, etcetera and trying to come up with ways to see him.  Yet rationally I know I should not contact him.