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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: I reached my end  (Read 1153 times)
itgetsbetter94
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This too shall pass.


« on: January 05, 2018, 03:45:22 PM »

This is my very end. I'm on the bottom.
This morning I found out some very distressing news. I felt my world fell apart ( it really did). In that manic haze, I thought, "What the hell, I'm going to talk to my BPD ex, as he is directly responsible for the chaos in my life. I don't even care at this point. Everything fell apart, everything is ruined, to hell with the boundaries". I was at the doors of his building.  I ringed a bell. I heard his roommate's voice asking who it is. I didn't say anything, went to my car and drove away. And had nervous breakdown in the privacy of my apartment.
I was so close... .even when I was home, I wanted to call him. I didn't. But was also close.
My world, my life is literally ruined because of him.
I don't care about my boundaries or myself anymore to be honest. Once again, I was near to committing suicide. I prayed to God to let me die in sleep. Today is maybe the worst day of my life.
I can't even say I'm particularly proud I managed to fight my urges and escape in the last moment and managed not to call him.
I feel ruined. I almost feel mad. I feel like him when I saw him dysregulating.
I felt like dying, like killing myself, like crying my eyes out.
To hell with all the rationalizations and therapies, when this is happening.
I have scheduled appointment with my psychiatrist for the 30.01. That's nearly a whole month of waiting. I'm the worst I've ever been. I feel like I'm going mad with sadness.  I don't want to kill myself, but I want to stop existing. This emotions are so strong and so intense.
I went to my family house. My mom kind of managed to calm me down, but she herself has many narcissist traits and could do that only in a limited way. She made my feel shameful for the way I feel. "You have to stop it, you're an adult". I have nothing to prove myself with staying strong with NC or keeping by boundaries.  Everything is ruined already. Having a talk with him would only be a drop in the ocean of my misery. Let him have it. I can not feel worse than I already feel. Everything is already broken, what's the point of keeping NC? I want him to know what he did to me. My life is ruined and can not be repaired.  He betrayed me worse than anyone.  I'm so so so so SO sad and alone and miserable. I hope and pray that morning never comes for me.
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♡ I'm wearing my heart like a crown ♡
These violent delights have violent ends.
EdR
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« Reply #1 on: January 05, 2018, 04:11:20 PM »

Hi itgetsbetter!

I wish I really could help you, instead of just typing something on these boards. 

To be honest, I do not really know what to type, but I do think you are incredibly brave to share your deepest thoughts and feelings with us!

I do not know whether or not you should have stuck with your plan of speaking to your pwBPD. I only can say that I truly and fully understand your desire to do so. The only thing I can say is that in the devaluation phase my pwBPD did NOT  seem to 'feel' my emotional signals anymore. She just seemed angry and/or empty. She almost seemed to prey on my weakness. So maybe it could be better to try and confront him in a better emotional state... .

Unfortunately I have had the 'I wish I just wouldn't wake up anymore' thought as well these days. Not because I was suicidal, but because I did not see a true reason to live anymore.
Please try to remain hopeful and try to think of the smallest of things which are somewhat positive. Be strong! Those feelings will pass. They haven't left me completely, but they will and they  must. Same is true for you!

Never give up!

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itgetsbetter94
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This too shall pass.


« Reply #2 on: January 05, 2018, 04:31:36 PM »

Thank you EdR. You ARE helping.
In the devaluation phase, my ex was also blind to my emotions. Not only that, but he was angry at me for crying in front of him because HE was in pain and HE had crisis. First thing my T ever showed me, when I entered her office for the first time was an article about emotional vampires and he matched the description perfectly.  I know I would be talking to an emotional vampire, severely disordered individual who cannot help himself, let alone me and someone who is very sick and has been hospitalized for 6 months at the time. My rational mind knows that would be like fighting with the schizophrenic who tried to killed me during his hallucinations. ... it really is pointless.  And he really is sick.

I'm just terribly disappointed and hurt and sad how the events have taken place. I feel like punched in the stomach and head and then kicked all over my body while I lay on the ground. I cannot take anymore punches. I'm overwhelmed with sadness and am reaching the point where I can't process it all. I just want to shut down and stop exhisting. I feel all hell broke lose on me during last few months, that I paid my carmic debt for all my lives.
God, help us. I feel so weak and drained and utterly miserable.
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♡ I'm wearing my heart like a crown ♡
These violent delights have violent ends.
Gardengoddess

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« Reply #3 on: January 06, 2018, 12:48:21 AM »

My life is ruined and can not be repaired.  He betrayed me worse than anyone.  I'm so so so so SO sad and alone and miserable. I hope and pray that morning never comes for me.

I'm so sorry for your suffering. I have definitely felt that my life was over following the demise of my marriage and the ensuing total chaos of my life. I am finding moments of strength and joy, and you must, too. It sounds likes you are at a very low point and really need support. Your ex cannot give you the support you need, and might make things worse for you. Mine made things worse, when I reached out to him following a crisis that he had created post-breakup, and I almost died from my suicide attempt right afterward. Life is still very hard, three months later, but I have had many moments of joy since then. Moments worth living for, even if I cant see a happy future ahead without the love of my life or a stable income etc. One of the biggest things that has helped me is consistent therapy. Every week. You should not have to wait a whole month to talk to someone! Find another therapist, call a crisis line. Anything. Just dont try to suffer through this alone. If it helps at all, use that desperate energy to spur you to keep searching until you find someone who can help you in a meaningful way.
Keep breathing, you can get through this. Big hugs!
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« Reply #4 on: January 06, 2018, 06:00:01 AM »

As hard as these posts are to read, it's a huge comfort for the rest of us, and for me personally, it's taken a long time to be able to talk somewhere, where my feelings and experiences would be understood.
The hardest part of all This, was as the initial post described, they had no empathy towards our feelings, almost irritation, and my ex accused me of being aggressive and accusing, after I finally snapped, and told her she has taken no responsibility for her actions, yet I had apologised for the way I spoke to her, she  changed her number, citing I was a lunatic, and she hated my guts.
No wonder we don't want to get out of bed to face the world.
I have no words of support, just that you know, I know exactly how you feel right now, and I wish I could take it away for all of us.
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itgetsbetter94
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This too shall pass.


« Reply #5 on: January 06, 2018, 06:11:27 AM »

Thank you Gardengoddess. I also try to find moments of hope and strength.  This indeed is a very low point of my life (if not the lowest). As you, I also hope for love, stable income etc.
I feel this pain is so pointless.  I experienced a lot of pain and suffering in my life, but I grew from that pain.  This pain seems so futile to me. I'm not becoming a better person, only crippled with sadness and hopelessness.  I really feel this is the punishment for all my sins.
You're right, it's bad, but a contact with ex can only make it worse, not better. I read somewhere "stop asking for nurture from the source of betrayal". I'm usually a fighter, stubborn, confidential, but this situation made me so weak and fragile. I just pray to find one good person, empathetic, who will understand.
I hope things will get better for both of us. Feel free to send me private msg if you ever need someone to talk to and support.
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♡ I'm wearing my heart like a crown ♡
These violent delights have violent ends.
itgetsbetter94
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This too shall pass.


« Reply #6 on: January 06, 2018, 06:24:38 AM »

As hard as these posts are to read, it's a huge comfort for the rest of us, and for me personally, it's taken a long time to be able to talk somewhere, where my feelings and experiences would be understood.
The hardest part of all This, was as the initial post described, they had no empathy towards our feelings, almost irritation, and my ex accused me of being aggressive and accusing, after I finally snapped, and told her she has taken no responsibility for her actions, yet I had apologised for the way I spoke to her, she  changed her number, citing I was a lunatic, and she hated my guts.
No wonder we don't want to get out of bed to face the world.
I have no words of support, just that you know, I know exactly how you feel right now, and I wish I could take it away for all of us.

Exactly, no empathy whatsoever.  And the cruel irony is, I fell in love with him because of his kind, empathetic mask. He battled the depression for many years and we bonded over our sadness, loneliness and depression.  I never thought that someone so hurt by the world, so gentle, hypersensitive and fragile, would turn agains me and bite me in the neck, after he met that one person (me), who shared all of his feelings and who could resonate with him. How can you turn against someone who suffers as much as you do, who gave her whole life away to be with you, against all odds and who is so similar to you in so many ways... .?
I thought we would nurture and take care of each other for the rest of our lives. We are both highly sensitive and I felt so happy that I found someone exactly like me. But, he used our bond and our similarities to hurt me and punish me for his internal pain. He started treating me like an enemy, not a friend (and a loving partner) and he became my poison, not my cure. All of this hurt me on the deeper, human level. Almost, if not exactly, an existential crisis. The betrayal of my very soul, that I gave so willingly and lovingly.  The most awful betrayal.  I really feel sick writing this.
I gave my life for him and he tossed it in a garbage.
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♡ I'm wearing my heart like a crown ♡
These violent delights have violent ends.
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« Reply #7 on: January 06, 2018, 06:38:04 AM »

I am not sure how to paste a previous comment, but it's that exactly. Like You, we bonded on a very intimate level, she told me things, she hasn't told her best friend of 20 yrs, we cried, we raged st the injustice of our situation. I would hold her, as she retold the same painful stories over and over.
How on earth did we get to here?
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EdR
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« Reply #8 on: January 06, 2018, 06:55:03 AM »

Oh my... .I feel so similar to you guys. She told me stuff she never ever told her best friends... .

Like I said in other threads, the ilness can make me understand their behaviour rationally. But I could never understand them emotionally.

We will get through this though! I know we will!
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« Reply #9 on: January 06, 2018, 07:12:06 AM »

It's such a paradox, and hard to accept sometimes, it's down to an illness. I keep asking myself, was she borderline, am I just using it as an excuse to make the suffering easier?
Then read posts like this, and realise, that someone with a 'normal' range of emotions, wouldn't behave like this.
One minute she was saying how she was a better person when I was around, to telling me, how proud she was, that she ended it first, again, and that she didn't want to meet to talk things over, because she would probably vomit over me.
With all said and done, the fact it takes 2 etc, I have to be responsible for my own feelings, it's pretty hard to accept such drastic emotional fluctuations.
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EdR
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« Reply #10 on: January 06, 2018, 07:15:36 AM »

It's such a paradox, and hard to accept sometimes, it's down to an illness. I keep asking myself, was she borderline, am I just using it as an excuse to make the suffering easier?
Then read posts like this, and realise, that someone with a 'normal' range of emotions, wouldn't behave like this.
One minute she was saying how she was a better person when I was around, to telling me, how proud she was, that she ended it first, again, and that she didn't want to meet to talk things over, because she would probably vomit over me.
With all said and done, the fact it takes 2 etc, I have to be responsible for my own feelings, it's pretty hard to accept such drastic emotional fluctuations.

Same here. I even posted about this quite some time ago. Soo hard... .
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itgetsbetter94
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This too shall pass.


« Reply #11 on: January 06, 2018, 07:34:42 AM »

It's such a paradox, and hard to accept sometimes, it's down to an illness. I keep asking myself, was she borderline, am I just using it as an excuse to make the suffering easier?
Then read posts like this, and realise, that someone with a 'normal' range of emotions, wouldn't behave like this.
One minute she was saying how she was a better person when I was around, to telling me, how proud she was, that she ended it first, again, and that she didn't want to meet to talk things over, because she would probably vomit over me.
With all said and done, the fact it takes 2 etc, I have to be responsible for my own feelings, it's pretty hard to accept such drastic emotional fluctuations.
My ex was diagnosed BPD/NPD, but trust me, to me it doesn't make the suffering easier. To others, they appear rational, charming, gentle, kind, gregarious, and to us as well, in the beginning.  Only us, who are closest to them, have the "privilege" to eventually witness the full blast of their disordered personality. I feel we become just as ill as they are, or even more. I'd sad even more. After us, they happily jump to the next target and we're the ones who are left feeling drained and carrying all the emotional burden of the failed relationship. I can't imagine dating somebody so quickly, my whole inner world is in mess and I feel pain/slight burning sensation in my throat and chest from the emotional pain. What having HIV means in the sexual relationships, that having BPD means in emotional ones. It's really the love AIDS.
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♡ I'm wearing my heart like a crown ♡
These violent delights have violent ends.
happendtome
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« Reply #12 on: January 06, 2018, 02:09:29 PM »

What was that what you found out? It gets better, just like your name says. You need to stay strong.
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« Reply #13 on: January 07, 2018, 09:34:13 AM »

Hi itgetsbetter94,

Im so sorry that you’re going through this  I am glad to hear that you’re still with us, you’re a caring person that likes to help others, caring and loving others makes a difference in this world. I’m also sorry that you didn’t get that from your mom.

You’re feeling really low right now and I completely understand what it feels like to be sick of everything it helps to share that with others you’re not s’one.

Excerpt
I feel we become just as ill as they are, or even more. I'd sad even more.

I feel like my uexBPDw showed me what areas in my life that I needed to work on, things have gotten better not worse. I thought how did I attract my exuBPDw?

I was undiagnosed with major depressive and anxiety disorders for decades before I met her, I suffered for years, it was only after I discoverered that she had an undiagnosed mental illness that I could be undiagnosed as well thankfully I’m not BPD because it would be tougher to recover. I’m sad that she may never get better but because of her I was able to get help for myself life is better than it was before I met her.

What are you doing for self care?
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Idsrvt2
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« Reply #14 on: January 07, 2018, 09:52:23 AM »

Thanks for posting I feel the same way .
It's like a deep betrayal of my soul... that's exactly it.

I had a time period I was stronger , but now since last year at thisnis time we were together I struggle... .plus he gave me no closure as he took out a false RO for reasons I still have no clue really... .he said we were going in peace and then I had a knock at my door from the police serving me.  In court he wanted everything dropped but because he seemed so unstable it was the only way I knew to get hisnguns away from him was to file one on him as wel... .
His family was all there supporting him... .
He still delivers my mail and recently seems to be nicely placing it like he used to... .I have a msg ready to send him ... .I haven't yet though.
We bonded and shared so much but he once texted me he feared me ... .
I may send the msg because like you posted I feel like how much worse can it really get... .he's posting publicly again basically he has a new person in his life as I lay here so broken still
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