My uBPDgf is moving 4,500 to be with online BF permanently.

[Pedro]

Well everybody.

The exgf with BPD is moving home to TX to be reunited with Mr Wonderful permanently. She came back yesterday from TX vacation & I learned my fate then ha ha.  She says she cannot get past me reaching to an ex which caused our break up. Says she couldn't trust me anymore.  

Even though I've been moving on I am absolutely devastated & shattered over this news, part always hoped that we could reconcile but alas no. She will never get another opportunity in her relationships in future where somebody has been willing to support them through their BPD to get support & counselling. Am jealous envious & bitter.

[Pedro]

Was talking to my ex last night & we still have to cohabit until our home is sold as neither of us can afford to move out before then.

I asked her had she told her parents why we separated? She said that she didn't want her parents to know, but she has told her 14-15 year old niece what happened. Me speaking to an ex girlfriend because i couldn't talk to my BPD exgf about our relationship problems.

She is very close to her eldest niece, but come on really, somebody of that age does not need to know intimate details? She is a mature level headed person for her age but i am disgusted that she would disclose that information to a teenager about our relationship.

[Pedro]

Sorry to rant everybody so sorry.

I asked my exgf BPD last night why during the last 3-4 months since we separated why she kept telling me she loved me, why she kept giving me affectionate hugs & kisses on my neck regularly? She denied it multiple times but I stood my ground in a calm non aggressive sitting down posture where we talked. She said she didn't realise she was doing it. I said it was in appropriate & that it gave me mixed signals & false hope. She said she still loves me & cares about me, but not in a relationship love & care way I am summising ?
I informed her that I had kept an online diary since we separated. What it really is all my posts & logs on this website. She said she would like to read it sometime. I have decided no because it is about her and I on here & I don't want her to feel bad about herself.

[Pedro]

Just had to walk off out of my staff room this lunchtime in front of 20 nursing & consultant colleagues breaking down in tears. A colleague who i haven't seen for some time due to her sickness leave was asking after my ex coming back from USA. Told her news of her return home which set me off i feel so f     g unprofessional & pathetic. No (i wasn't trying to nurse a sick patient either in this relationship either).

What sort of Christian & Baptist human being does this to another human being. I've not told my family about the news since Sunday because I've tried to protect her incase we reconcilled, and because we still have to cohabit till property is sold I'm still protecting her from my family, because they will still be livid that i have her allowed her to carry on living here whilst she has an online boyfriend. They would throw her out if they could, but because she can't afford to I've allowed her to stay.

It's hit home today all the work i did with Skip & heartandwhole has been unsuccessful despite myself working on myself & other things. I've not told my colleagues either about her boyfriend as they would be seething. I'VE HAD TO LIVE THIS LAST 4 MONTHS IN THESE CIRCUMSTANCES, I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS TO  ANYONE, AVOID IF AT ALL POSSIBLE.

When the house is sold & she moves home I've got all this crap again in next 3-4 months time to deal with.

Sorry for spilling my guts here everyone.

[Minspain]

Hi Pedro,

I was in a very difficult situation once when my wife (for just six months) confessed to a new affair. We were together for 6 years at that point and had two kids but had finally recently got married. A friend of mine that had had a very messy divorce, told be above all to keep calm and think rationally, especially for my kids benefit. I have since had two problematic BPD relationships, so just keeping calm does not avoid future problems  , but what I think is very imporatnt for all members of this group that are in current emotional turmoil to remember is that being the stable one is exactly that, and it is our stable behaviour that can help when things get bad. Being stable might not save a relationship, but it will allow you to pass on to new opportunities without anything drastic happening. I can't help but think that some normally stable people have been pushed to terrible things during break ups. I always remember a brit guy that jumped off a balcony with his kids in greece when his wife was having an affair. He might have been a perfectly normal guy, just not sufficiently able to think rationally at a critical and very emotional point in his life. Do everything you can to remain stable, talk with friends and family, use groups like this, have an exit plan before entering discussions (I mean if you are going to talk with a partner about something that could be difficult, e.g. child custody, the house etc. be ready to walk (not storm) out and drive away to a friend's house to talk if things get bad). It is so sad when people that are not normally violent or suicidal lose control. It's all very difficult, I have been there believe me. But keep stable! there is a long future to enjoy ahead.

[Pedro]

Hi Minspain.
Sorry if my rant implied I am going to do anything irrational I'm not. Just moving on but I'm human, I have a heart just hurting right now it's human nature. I'll be okay getting on with life can as best as possible. She's not well, do I write to her parents who are in their late 60's behind her back out of concern probably not?

[Pedro]

I know it's on a separate thread but song title by The Who Won't Get Fooled Again.

I walk through the door she behaves & acts as if everything's normal 'hows your day', 'fine i say'. If only she knew what i was like at work today. Want her to hug me & say she loves me but it's all for the wrong reasons?

Can BPD persons love 2 people at the same time?

She's started boxing up some personal possessions for shipping back to US, reality's setting in now. God please help me through this i can't cope

[Skip]

being the stable one is exactly that, and it is our stable behaviour that can help when things get bad. Being stable might not save a relationship, but it will allow you to pass on to new opportunities without anything drastic happening... .But keep stable! there is a long future to enjoy ahead.

This s good advice. Pedro, you held strong through the "wait it out" period. You've got strength.

Don't put too much in her claim that this is all about your contacting an ex-girlfriend. That may have been  a deciding factor for her, but it doesn't mean the outcome would have been different. Remember, people feel guilty when they break up with someone who loves them - if they can find something to blame it makes it easier on them - it's human nature.

What were all the hugging and "I loves you all about"?  In hindsight, it seems as if she still has affection for you - probably even more so as you have treated her well - but that her desire to move home and be near her parents has more priority and her desire to try another relationship is also higher.

Is the new guy the driver in all of this? I would guess a lot less than you think. I wouldn't be surprised if you talk to her a year from now, and the guy is out of the picture.

Saving the relationship was never better than 50%/50%. You did the best you could do. You were a real "stand up" guy.

I think the biggest question now, is what to do next. Her living with you for months is just going to make this wound fester.  Would it be better help her put her property in storage and send her to live with her parenets and send her a check when the house sells.

[Pedro]

No Skip,

she is waiting on the sale of our property to clear her debts here, pay shipping costs, cats transport costs, vaccinations cat passports etc, & flight home plus working her notice. She is going to borrow my car for commuting, expensive tattooing appointments, driving to pre US vacation booked marathon runs, the gym for next few months as her car needs £2000 of repairs due to modern technical glitches electronics, currently worth more car so she's going to trade in sold as seen as is.

The week before we separated she asked me did i want to move to TX & i said yes, strange very strange? It is was it is.

Hey all I've stood up & been counted with the very best of the husbands, wives partners & ex's of those with BPD, I've nothing to prove, I'm stable, am keeping cool & level headed, i wear my heart on my sleeve, i am a passionate person that shows in my personality. This is how I'm made to an extent. Just another stepping stone in grieving & detaching.

Well at the weekend her & her family invited me to go over & visit them any time? I would like to believe that but i take it with a pinch of salt.

I am dealing with mortgage & financial advisers currently to  weigh up possibilities of house sale & other property purchase plus paying her her entitlements.

Depending on financial outcome here i may move abroad for a new start & life. I don't have any children/family commitments to stop me doing that.  That isn't a snap decision either we'll see?

[Pedro]

For someone who can't wait to get home to be with her boyfriend & family & new life you think she would be happy jumping off the ceiling full of the beans of life? No she's miserable ready down depressed from what I can see. My fault for the initial trigger, me being In the house of an evening prob doesn't help? But I keep out of her way n space completely, cook her meals do her shopping she's got 24 hour access to use my car at all times till she goes home. Still doing it looking after her till she goes home because she cant look after herself. Not being sarcastic or moody around her being positive, she wants me to support her running AGAIN till she goes home.

[Seenowayout]

Hi Pedro.  Sorry to read about your struggle.  Something resonated with me.  My gf also left me because I was confiding to another woman about our problems -- I wasn't allowed to have girl friends at all -- period.  This woman had insight into BPD and was helping calm my mind.  I admit I should have been more open about it with my ex.

But she can't forgive!  I've forgiven her soo  much, reeled her back all the time, overcompensated to make her happy in any way, but she couldn't forgive me this one thing.   What is it about them that they can never admit responsibility, hold us to unachievable high standards, and then not forgive when we can't meet them?  Love?  Real love is mercy, forgiveness.

Maybe better question is what is it about us that we keep going back to that well, trying harder and harder to please -- until we've lost our very sense of self.

My gf is gone -- like she's dead.  Just poof -- vanished. (she tried to call the other night I didn't pick up)   I thought that was hard.  But yours is like a ghost wondering around your home.  That's worse.

[Pedro]

Hi Seenowayout.

I am sorry for the loss of your relationship.  Is there any particular reason why you did not take the call from your ex? Have you completely moved on or is it easier to cope/deal with not answering her call?

Yep my ex walks all the grave of our dead relationship every day working from home in our home, and whispering sweet nothings & professing undying love for Mr Wonderful in our home every night.  Oh the joys?

I am a good decent loving, caring, law abiding person who gave unwavering support through 4.5 years of hell before she became stable. Hard pill to swallow.

My ex is dividing all her possessions & mine separately as i walk through the door from work.  Because i speak out loud how i feel, sad, devastated, "reality's hitting home now". She gets all defensive & aggressive & said "sorry what do you expect me to do"?  I said "nothing am i not allowed to speak how i feel & think in my own home, i wasn't having a go at you"?  I say "are you argumentative & defensive with your boyfriend when you speak or are with him"? She says "no", I say "why are you being this way with me"?

I know 10-20% of her still wants this relationship with me. Sunday just gone she says "would you have been able to forgive me & get over what i did if I had done this to you"? I said "yes because I love you & if you believe in something & work at with & get intervention from relationship or psychiatric professionals then yes I would".

Still trying to keep me on an extended lead inviting me over to see her Wonderful Arse when she see resettles home.  "My Mum & Dad still love & care about you like a Son in Law to them".  I am not being bitter I genuinely hope this relationship falls on it's face because finishing with me 24 hours before having an online relationship with him, then keeps telling me she loves me at the same time him, being affectionate with me no way Jose?

"I want to call you once in a while and say hi"?  "Why would you do that when in a relationship with somebody else"?

[Skip]

I once saw a saying, if you make it all about her, she will oblige you and also make it all all her.

Right no its all about her. It's your home, you need to take charge for your own sanity. Being a good guy needs to stop when it is costing your self preservation.

I don't know your situation, and I respect that you don't want to share details, but she is calling all the shots and this could go on forever.

I would set a timeline. I would make rules/boundaries. I would adjust the living conditions so that you are the primary resident and she is the boarder. Get control of your life.

"sorry what do you expect me to do"?

She asked, tell her.

You're deeply wounded, Pedro. You tried to recover this. It's not fixing. You need to get yourself back.

[Pedro]

Skip

i don't want any tension or verbal aggression in my home. I just want a peaceful respectful process in selling home, finding another property for me, paying her what she is legally owed. I say that because she is not capable of having a conversation that she doesn't know how take on board somebody else's opinion & leave it at that. She has a "win an argument at all cost mentality" when it is a conversation where 2 opinions are different.  I just want peace & lesser stress in this environment at home, as i have enough stress in my head with her, a stressful job & caring for a disabled Mother outside of my job hours.

I crave peace & harmony in my situation right now so i let it go with her for coping for me right now. She cannot be civil & respectful in a difference of opinion she gets defensive, storms off to bed & cries, & I'm not even her fella anymore, unbelievable.

[Seenowayout]

Hi Pedro -- I did not take the call because I am finally getting myself back.  It wasn't easy to resist, believe me  But after four months of unbelievable pain -- the fog is lifting.  I'm beginning to see what she did to me.  And honestly how I let it happen.  And how my codependent, overly nurturing, always trying to please, coddling flattering building her up behavior probably damaged her more in the process.  I love her deeply, but I don't want to lose myself like that again.  It wasn't good for her or for me.  She will never be truly happy.  I'm sure of that.  I'm just the last in a long list of guys she's told me about that were so bad to her.  I used to believe her.    Not anymore.  Love requires mercy.  Love requires forgiveness.  1Corinthians13 -- so true.  She cannot love that way.  Sounds like yours can't either.  Not their fault -- just the way it is.  We have to stop projecting on them what we are and what we want.  They are not capable.

And ... .I was angry!  Why does she get to determine when to talk to me?  Why can she disappear for weeks, block me on her phone, then suddenly decide I'm always available to scold at, whine to, or whatever.

Skips right.  Gotta protect yourself.  Not easy but trust me it's do-able.  Seen it on many stories here.  Met someone just last night who also experienced what we have.  2 years on and he still thinks of her, but he hopes she's happy and he's got his life back.  And he's happy!  And successful!  It can happen.   It really is important.  

[Pedro]

I  want my house sold as soon as possible & her out of it. I don't want this any longer than it has to be? Her emotional blackmail, torture, treating me like dirt. I really want her parents to know that she is ill, but she will be denial denial denial for life.

[Pedro]

Well got to say something for the first time in 6 years to her today.

Just came out of a small row with her because she gave me a pitiful tippititap condescending  patronizing limp wrist hug. I said "either hug me properly or not at all but don't insult me" She shouted "i can't do or say anything right or how you want it to be can i"? I just repeated what i said.

I then said "all the time we were together we could never have a conversation where if it was a difference of opinion, or i wouldn't agree with your view or opinion, or went along with what you said or wanted, then you would get defensive, argumentative, upset, unreasonable or agitated, and that's not fair"? 

I then said "do you speak this way to your boyfriend the way you speak to me now even now we're separated"? "I've been nothing but supportive, professional, mature & polite to you for the last 4 months".   She replied "it's none of your business how i speak to my boyfriend okay"?  I shook my head, & laughed sarcastically which annoyed her, her response answered my question.  Then she says "do you want to smell my feet for old times sake"? This was a jokey comment she said every week for years, which made me laugh. By the way no i never have, i'm not into that, maybe once when i got drunk?  I told her to "___ off & get your boyfriend to do it".

[Pedro]

I am not going mad i know i am not.

I had a conversation with ex last Sun/Mon where i asked her to stop telling me she loves me & being affectionate with me.  Does she listen, no?  She left an hour age to have a tattoo done, leaving the house comes over too me whilst I'm working on my laptop, grabs my hand, squeezes it for 8-10 seconds then says "i love you".  They really do not have a sense of sense with some things do they, it's driving me insane?

Roll on house sale,