Learning just now that its not all my fault

[LuvAlways]

   I am just joining as a result of looking for information about my wife's BPD and wanting support and guidance with others.  Most days it feels like I am the only one who really knows what is going on and no one else could ever understand the loss and emptiness.  I feel like I have lost my wife to something so uncontrollable that I don't how to fix it.  I begin to feel empty and alone.  I feel like I don't even know how to help anymore. 

She suffers from a lot of pain.  It is physical pain and most days it compounds the BP and keeps her off balance so she doesn't seek any real help.  She has tried but usually find a reason (excuse) why she can't continue or attend group.  The pain, real or imagined, is real to her and has continued for years in one place or another.  Dr. appointment after Dr. appointment reveals little, or nothing, or gives her a name for her last complaint... .Like arthritis in the hands.  It's as if the BPD keeps her from getting help for the pain, and the pain keeps her from getting help for the BPD.  It has been a viscous circle for years. 

Anyone wann tackle this?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there
We all feel alone and empty, and very frustrated about not being able to help our loved ones. You are not alone in this. The biggest part in "our job" is to not make things worse. Take a look at the basic tools, there are many things that we honestly and well intendedly try to do to help that make matters worse. You simply stop that, and the relationship improves.

If you browse arround, you'll see many post about BPD and some physical pain, or health issue. As you well say, one thing feeds the other, and it makes it harder to treat. I'm sorry both of you are suffering.

I would like to know a bit more about your issues, before I can say something helpful. But at the very least, we are here to listen.

Good luck.

[pearlsw]

Hi there!   Thanks for your post. Just to chime in... .My partner has BPD traits and also a lot of lower back pain. For awhile he worked on attending to the back pain and then found that there was really no cure, even a surgery might make no difference. So, he's in pain all the time (and probably always will be) on top of this issue with regulating his emotions. Tough stuff.

Does your wife have something like fibromyalgia? Have you heard of that? You have a lot of pain, but it's, I don't know, hard to pin down and treat. Perhaps though you could get her interested in meditation or other forms of relaxation and perhaps some mild/gentle form of exercise? Perhaps that is another approach to providing her some relief from all that is bothering her?

I give my partner foot massages to give him all over relaxation and reduce his stress.  It is actually very calming for me as well so I do it quite often. I also give him "coupons" for it to make it fun/funny! Any chance for laughter is welcome here! Sometimes I put on relaxation music I find on YouTube that plays for hours and hours and give him a massage to help release pain from his body and relax his mind. I also take care of his skin, give him little beauty treatments so he can feel taken care of and secure. I also read up on visualizations and then make up my own that I just recite out loud to him to help him have pleasant thoughts repeating in his head. He's lucky, I much prefer to give him all this than to have someone do it for me in return! But we both find it relaxing so it works out just fine. I think all of this soothing behavior makes a big difference in keeping a loving situation between us despite all the rough times. It gives us nice memories and a connection despite the painful times. Man, after I read this I wonder how he could possibly break up with me every week, but he does! :D Crazy, crazy life. Well, just some tips.

You are not alone in this, okay? Many of us here deal with a myriad of issues and even when folks don't exactly know what to say or offer they are waiting to read/see if someone else can. There is a lot of compassion and understanding here for us all to share.

[waverider]

When someone suffers from endless emotional turmoil and pain it is hard to describe, and others soon tire of these "invisible" tales of woe.  Hence it is quite common for those with BPD to translate this into tangible complaints to better elicit the support they seek. This is further often compounded by a less than stable and healthy lifestyle, so they often suffer side effects of this. Of course treating the physical ailments misses the underlying cause so it continues and is simply transferred to different set of symptoms

A lifetime of this and it becomes their normal. Often they become trapped in a circle in their own mind stewing on this vicious cycle, while the normality of the world passes them by unnoticed.

[north69]

Anybody else wish their wife was like Pearl?

If I ask my wife for a massage I get told where to go! :D

Pearl you are so much more giving and nicer than I am. I consider myself a good person and quite caring but when I read your messages I realise that I'm actually far more selfish than you & you don't deserve to be treated as you are given how well you're treating your husband and the effort you put in.

Hi there!   Thanks for your post. Just to chime in... .My partner has BPD traits and also a lot of lower back pain. For awhile he worked on attending to the back pain and then found that there was really no cure, even a surgery might make no difference. So, he's in pain all the time (and probably always will be) on top of this issue with regulating his emotions. Tough stuff.

Does your wife have something like fibromyalgia? Have you heard of that? You have a lot of pain, but it's, I don't know, hard to pin down and treat. Perhaps though you could get her interested in meditation or other forms of relaxation and perhaps some mild/gentle form of exercise? Perhaps that is another approach to providing her some relief from all that is bothering her?

I give my partner foot massages to give him all over relaxation and reduce his stress.  It is actually very calming for me as well so I do it quite often. I also give him "coupons" for it to make it fun/funny! Any chance for laughter is welcome here! Sometimes I put on relaxation music I find on YouTube that plays for hours and hours and give him a massage to help release pain from his body and relax his mind. I also take care of his skin, give him little beauty treatments so he can feel taken care of and secure. I also read up on visualizations and then make up my own that I just recite out loud to him to help him have pleasant thoughts repeating in his head. He's lucky, I much prefer to give him all this than to have someone do it for me in return! But we both find it relaxing so it works out just fine. I think all of this soothing behavior makes a big difference in keeping a loving situation between us despite all the rough times. It gives us nice memories and a connection despite the painful times. Man, after I read this I wonder how he could possibly break up with me every week, but he does! :D Crazy, crazy life. Well, just some tips.

You are not alone in this, okay? Many of us here deal with a myriad of issues and even when folks don't exactly know what to say or offer they are waiting to read/see if someone else can. There is a lot of compassion and understanding here for us all to share.

[JoeBPD81]

Anybody else wish their wife was like Pearl?

Yeah! I wish you have all that caring in return.

I'm a massage therapist, so my girlfriends (had 2 in my life ) have been shy to massage me, so I'm noy lucky getting one either. I think it is important, the non sexual contact, build confidence and comunicate with the hands and the body. I have to say, I agree with Pearl, these kind of things are rewarding also for the person giving them (but yeah, they are the lucky ones).

Before studying massage, I was a cook. So I can say I pampered my exwife, she usually bragged about those two things. Now... .My GF is anorexic and half of the time she avoids any physical contact. So I really had to learn how to deal without my not-so-secret weapons. When she is receptive, I've been able to massage her a little, and she loves it. But she doesn't eat (She has one super controled meal at night), so I could cook for her, maybe 5 times in all our relationship. The kids don't appreciate food at all, they eat the same 3 things over and over again. So the Universe is forcing me to grow and develop new abilities.

Take care!

[LuvAlways]

Thank you for the responses.  To JoeBPD81:  She has been suffering from pain in one area of her body or another.  A few years back, I stopped guessing and being skeptical about whether it was "real".  I simply decided that I can't feel it and I am not going to assume she is "faking" it.  If she says she is in pain, I accept that as real.  I know that borderlines can suffer from physical pain much of which can be generated from the psychological, anxiety, and depression.  She believes that there is some physical problem that has nothing to do with the BPD.  I try to give message and use her essential (natural) oils and I do nice things like spending time on the bed, just "hanging."  So I feel a bit like Pearl in that I am trying.  It just seems like we are going nowhere fast.

She says she needs dual diagnosis in-patient treatment, but we cannot afford it.  She is signed up For DBT training and has a therapist that she likes.  She is trying to get chemical dependency treatment going through the county, but that is all we have been able to get through the county.  So I guess we have some things on tap, but it seems as if we get a lot of "gonna-do's" so I guess I'll just be patient on this.  But not very hopeful.

[pearlsw]

Hahahahaha. I just read the mentions of me on here. So kind. Thanks for the chuckle & smiles.  

And about this from LuvAlways, "It just seems like we are going nowhere fast." I have noticed that no single strategy can consistently be relied on. What works one time and seems "fail proof" will fail the next!

Perhaps if you stay in the present instead of thinking you'll get there and all will be better one day that might help? It is sort of like my working out. I wish that I would work out and just be in shape once and for all, but it doesn't work like that! I have to maintain my form by practice, some days it's great, some days I pull some new muscle that I didn't even know was there. This is like a practice too. We do it and we do it and we do it. No goal, no end, just now. (Walks off to go sit under a tree with buddha... .just kidding. ) I have had so many white days in a row... .trying to enjoy getting to have my silly side until the next storm hits!

[LuvAlways]

Thank you Pearl, for the humor.  I haven't giggled in a while.  But that's just it.  It goes on, and on.  Live in the hear and now.  Instead of looking to the future.  I have a seat under that tree of yours, with my name one it.  Whether Buddha is at lunch or not.  I am beginning to see that I need time on my own, and time with others, despite my worry that she will take it personally and "hear comes the next storm."  Oops.  That's not staying in the here and now.

I feel like I've been living in the here and now... .the present... .this is what is... .I feel like my dreams and hopes for my future have been forgotten.  Perhaps I am just lamenting the fact that I face a "different future" than I had planned.

[Jessica84]

Perhaps I am just lamenting the fact that I face a "different future" than I had planned.

That is so important to acknowledge. And so honest!

Things may look grim right now, but there is hope. Learning about BPD can be very enlightening at first... .then devastating and hopeless. Like with any loss... .a death, a breakup, or discovering you've partnered with someone with a mental illness... .something sets in and we're faced with all these unrealized dreams we hoped for. That's part of the process. Feel the loss, the loss of the life (and wife) you thought you'd have. Embrace it, and soothe yourself. Allow yourself time to process and heal.

Acceptance of this new reality is tough. John Lennon said "Life is what happens while we're busy making other plans." I wanted to be a ballerina, a fireman, a politician, but here I am, none of those things.    I wanted a "normal" love life, but here I am living with the chaotic ups/downs of BPD. This was not my childhood dream. Not what I planned. But it's not so terrible either, just different from what I imagined. I try to see it as life giving me new opportunities to learn, grow, explore, heal from past wounds, see the world differently.

There is a lot to accept and it takes time to work through it all. Accept that you can't "fix" anyone but yourself. Accept that these relationships are difficult, often unfair and unequal. Accept that life will not be what we expected. But the flip side is accepting there is also hope - we do have some control, and we can improve things by learning new skills. Don't accept all the bad without accepting the good! The woman you fell in love with is still there, underneath the layers of this disorder, and you CAN make it work!