Whats the best way to safeguard her safety but still break up?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have recognised BPD traits in my relatioship with myy girlfriend. They have been there from the start. SHe was in another relationship when we started seeing each other. WHen i frist pointed out things she had done that made me unsure about the relationbship- names she had called me, angry outbursts, threats, unreasonable behaviour she said she would work on it, and broke up with the other person... .this wasnt the response I wanted, it was more about how she was treating me.

I am constantly berated for not texting her, she has broken up, or threatened to break up multiple times in a relationship lasting just over two months so far.

SHe has had a lot of bad experiences in past relationships and shared a lot of information with me about that. I feel like she is very vulnerable, she tells me she feels humiliated. LAst night she broke up with me via text because she was angry about me not texting her to ask how her day was when it was her daughters birthday. I knew what was coming this morning- the make up- but I have decided I want to end the relationship... .whats difficult is I always knew there were issues, I thought I could help, I wanted to help... .I thought I could love her in a selfless way... .but now I have identified her as BPD, I dont feel responsible for the problems, and I just want it to be over. I feel like a bad person. I also really want to know the best way to end this without her hurting herself. \SHe has been self harming since shortly before our relationship, and during. I had some success in helping her to stop doing these things to herself. SHe has two kids, lots of responsibility and I feel like she will fall apart when I end it... .but we cant carry on like this. I think about what would happen if she got pregnant and how awful that would be. I am seeing her this afternoon after confirming on the phone that I didnt think we could carry on as we are. SHe is now all apologetic, and I think she means it, she knows what behaviour she did that was unreasonable. How do I do this? SHould I see her? I am a big boy, I will be OK, the thought of this relationship ending makes me happy. BUt I feel like she will feel used, and maybe she has been. She says I have used what I knew about her to manipulate her. I dont think thats true, but how could I put up with what I have done in this relationship? I will seek some help to find the answer, right now what i need is help in how to end this and her not hurt herself.

[Paul2345]

I have recognised BPD traits in my relatioship with myy girlfriend. They have been there from the start. SHe was in another relationship when we started seeing each other. WHen i frist pointed out things she had done that made me unsure about the relationbship- names she had called me, angry outbursts, threats, unreasonable behaviour she said she would work on it, and broke up with the other person... .this wasnt the response I wanted, it was more about how she was treating me.

I am constantly berated for not texting her, she has broken up, or threatened to break up multiple times in a relationship lasting just over two months so far.

SHe has had a lot of bad experiences in past relationships and shared a lot of information with me about that. I feel like she is very vulnerable, she tells me she feels humiliated. LAst night she broke up with me via text because she was angry about me not texting her to ask how her day was when it was her daughters birthday. I knew what was coming this morning- the make up- but I have decided I want to end the relationship... .whats difficult is I always knew there were issues, I thought I could help, I wanted to help... .I thought I could love her in a selfless way... .but now I have identified her as BPD, I dont feel responsible for the problems, and I just want it to be over. I feel like a bad person. I also really want to know the best way to end this without her hurting herself. \SHe has been self harming since shortly before our relationship, and during. I had some success in helping her to stop doing these things to herself. SHe has two kids, lots of responsibility and I feel like she will fall apart when I end it... .but we cant carry on like this. I think about what would happen if she got pregnant and how awful that would be. I am seeing her this afternoon after confirming on the phone that I didnt think we could carry on as we are. SHe is now all apologetic, and I think she means it, she knows what behaviour she did that was unreasonable. How do I do this? SHould I see her? I am a big boy, I will be OK, the thought of this relationship ending makes me happy. BUt I feel like she will feel used, and maybe she has been. She says I have used what I knew about her to manipulate her. I dont think thats true, but how could I put up with what I have done in this relationship? I will seek some help to find the answer, right now what i need is help in how to end this and her not hurt herself.

[Paul2345]

Also- any reply would be good... .i see this message has been read 33 times but no-one has left an opinion... .seriously any kind of feedback appreciated. I have since decided that my girlfriend is largely unaware of her behaviour, but that I'm not going to break up with her because she is ill. I believe that we love each other, but I also think that she is demonstrating a lot of characteristics of someone with BPD... .however I still want it to work. What I worry about now is whether what she feels for me is love, versus a convenient attachment. Am I making a mistake by staying? ANyway since I last post I broke up, then realised it was an error (for reasons stated above) and we made up in the same day. SInce then though she has had one meltdown where she threatened to kill herself, and says at the moment she feels like killing herself. I am trying to be supportive, and to keep loving her, but I am scared that I am being manipulated.

[hope2727]

So sorry that you re experiencing this.  Also sorry that there wasn't many responses. In truth I am not sure I have any good advice but I'll offer what I can. There are lessons marked at the right of the board on some good skills to use when dealing with a pwBPD (person with BPD). These include learning how to use the SET technique when talking about anything and not using JADE (justify argue defend explain). I know with my expwBPD when I JADE-ed  it became a circular argument and he would either self harm or threaten suicide.

So as for your situation I suggest practicing some very short boring sentences and then just repeating them over and over to her. Don't deviate or get drawn in. Try "I care about you but we aren't happy and should stop before we cause one another more hurt." "I know you are an amazing person and deserve to be happy."

As for her self harm 2 things. It was there before you and will be after you. You didn't cause it, you can't control it etc. I had the crisis line in our area on my contact list as well as my ex's psychologist's number and I would ask him if he wanted to call them or should I call for him when he threatened suicide. I highly recommend staying calm keeping it super short and exiting quickly even if you have to say that you will consider what she has said and think things over and get back to her. Then leave. You don't have to reconsider but its a way to exit gracefully and take some space. It gives her some time to calm down while you "think things over" too. She may escalate and exhibit an extinction burst (google the term for explanation) but at least the bandaid is ripped off. If you are 100% certain you are done then that is my advice.

ok so that said you know your situation best and perhaps others here will have other advice. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Hugs 

[hope2727]

Sorry Paul,

I somehow misread that last post and thought you were still planning to end the relationship. If you are staying in the relationship then the lessons here are invaluable. Also learning everything you can about boundaries and self care. If you are in tough shape you are no good to yourself or anyone else. So be kind and gentle with yourself. If you post on the improving board you will get lots of input on staying in the relationship. I hope you are holding up. Thinking of you.

Hope

[Paul2345]

Thanks for the response. The relationship is so complex, her situation is complex, she talks about the stress pressure she is under, struggling to cope. She is not, as far as I know diagnosed as BPD, or even considering that. She is going for counselling after feeling suicidal but looking at the pattern of our short relationship she just screams the symptoms of BPD. It's like everything that's gone wrong between us is symptomatic of BPD. Yet we have shared a lot of love, she is clearly in crisis at home ( break down of relationship with partner, his refusal to leave, not accepting of her moving on). For this reason I am holding on, hoping that the love we share will be strong enough and shine through. But, for example, like tonight she seems to seek out an argument, the drama, and I'm putting up with it. I just feel like if this carries on, if she keeps probing me, it's going to come down to me saying I think she has undiagnosed BPD, and I'm staying with her in the hope we can overcome that. But I think she would be totally humiliated if I say that, like that would be the end so there is no point even saying it. She says sometimes she feels she has shared too much about her past with me, feels like I am analysing her and feels vulnerable... .but what else am I supposed to do when I seem to upset her so much, but either try and make sense of things or leave. I thank you for your reply and will certainly refer back to this.

[hope2727]

I'm glad you came back and let us know how you are doing. There are many great workshops and lessons on here. I am sorry that I don't have better advice for you. Please take gentle care of yourself. It seems odd but a counsellor for yourself might be helpful. It would give you someplace to sort out your own thoughts and discuss coping techniques. Please keep reading and writing. We will be thinking of you.