What to do?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I haven't seen my ex for 4 months now.  I am in another relationship.  But admittedly, I am haunted.

She sent a random text from her bf's phone of a picture of her and her bf together several months ago.  I didn't know who he was, or where the pic came from -- so I started a text conversation with him.  It's been on and off conversation ever since.  It's my only contact with her -- which is pretty sick.

I can't get her out of my mind -- not in a relationship way, but in an "is she OK" way, and then "I'm so mad at her" way, and then "how could she not see what she did to me" way.  Anyway, if I text her family to see how she is she threatens she will have a restraining order on me.

Last Friday she calls me through social media messenger.  She's crying.  She says she's in New Orleans and I have to come save her (I live in NJ), her bf is going to kill her.  He thinks she's cheating on him (with me), and she was literally afraid for her life.  I told her I couldn't just fly down there (and honestly half thought it was a plot to have me hurt in some way), but I would wire her a ticket or money if she needed.  I was worried sick.

She called me the next day and said she was OK.  She said she hasn't gotten over me, thinks about me all the time, and she would leave this channel of communication open.  She can talk to me during the week.  It was nice to hear.  I asked her why she was with someone she was afraid of, and she said he kept her in line.

I get a text from her bf saying "You were right about her.  It's time to move on".  As if they were broken up.

I tell him, "it's not her fault, I'm sure she has BPD.  She dragged me codependently into a world of hurt, I just couldn't keep her happy."

I was looking forward to today -- being able to talk to her again.  But she disconnected me from social media again!  Absolutely no way to get a hold of her!  Completely gone. 

So what am I doing?  Did he tell her what I said (she never admits anything is her fault), and did that drive her away again?  Did he disconnect her?  Is she OK?  Was it all a lie?  What is real?

More importantly -- why am I addicted to this drama?  Why am I worrying about it at all?

So tired of it all.  The things she said to me Friday were so nice, seemed so genuine, ... .I just don't get it.

[Seenowayout]

I haven't seen my ex for 4 months now.  I am in another relationship.  But admittedly, I am haunted.

She sent a random text from her bf's phone of a picture of her and her bf together several months ago.  I didn't know who he was, or where the pic came from -- so I started a text conversation with him.  It's been on and off conversation ever since.  It's my only contact with her -- which is pretty sick.

I can't get her out of my mind -- not in a relationship way, but in an "is she OK" way, and then "I'm so mad at her" way, and then "how could she not see what she did to me" way.  Anyway, if I text her family to see how she is she threatens she will have a restraining order on me.

Last Friday she calls me through social media messenger.  She's crying.  She says she's in New Orleans and I have to come save her (I live in NJ), her bf is going to kill her.  He thinks she's cheating on him (with me), and she was literally afraid for her life.  I told her I couldn't just fly down there (and honestly half thought it was a plot to have me hurt in some way), but I would wire her a ticket or money if she needed.  I was worried sick.

She called me the next day and said she was OK.  She said she hasn't gotten over me, thinks about me all the time, and she would leave this channel of communication open.  She can talk to me during the week.  It was nice to hear.  I asked her why she was with someone she was afraid of, and she said he kept her in line.

I get a text from her bf saying "You were right about her.  It's time to move on".  As if they were broken up.

I tell him, "it's not her fault, I'm sure she has BPD.  She dragged me codependently into a world of hurt, I just couldn't keep her happy."

I was looking forward to today -- being able to talk to her again.  But she disconnected me from social media again!  Absolutely no way to get a hold of her!  Completely gone. 

So what am I doing?  Did he tell her what I said (she never admits anything is her fault), and did that drive her away again?  Did he disconnect her?  Is she OK?  Was it all a lie?  What is real?

More importantly -- why am I addicted to this drama?  Why am I worrying about it at all?

So tired of it all.  The things she said to me Friday were so nice, seemed so genuine, ... .I just don't get it.

[JaxDK]

From what I've read, they are reactive. They act in the moment based on what they feel. Considering the inner turmoil of feelings it's not uncommon they back out shortly after, once another feeling sets in.

This is why NC is so important. You can be stuck in an emotional limbo for as long as you keep in touch

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Seenowayout-
I know it's been a long time since we've communicated and I apologize for that.  I've had some things happening and I'm having trouble with access to my messages and still working on resolving that.

I'm so sorry that you're still suffering with the pain of this separation and its impact on you - the push/pull is really doing its number... .  Please consider... .is it really fair to you or the new woman in your life for a new relationship to begin when you have strong unresolved issues with your BPDex?  Just a question you may want to ask yourself.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Seenowayout]

Hi Gems,

Thanks for checking in with me.  I was wondering how you are doing -- I hope the things that are happening are OK thins.  You ask a perfectly good question -- and I've asked myself the same.  Here are my answers:

1.)  The truth is I am over it, even if I am haunted.  I would never go back, but I am still injured

2.)  She had a similar situation several years ago and can relate to what I'm going through.  A crazy relationship with a man that seemed ideal at first but was too high and became too low.  He essentially just disappeared her.

3.)   I am open with her.  Truthfully, she is gets a little nervous about investing in my haunted self, but I'm not hiding anything

4.)  She saved my life.  I don't know what I would do without her.  I have no problem with being alone.  I've spent big portions of my life alone.  But this thing, wow -- it was just really too much to process alone.

5.)  She's helping to undo all the damage the other one did.  She never scolds.  She never blames.  She's open to criticism. 

6.)  She was abandoned as a child by her alcoholic father and her mom pretty much ignored her through much of her childhood -- and even admits she may have exhibited BPD tendencies in past relationships -- but she's risen above it and isn't running away anymore.  She is incredibly confident and self assured.

So yeah -- there are warning signs peppered along the way I suppose.  I am a haunted soul.  I quit my therapist.  Not helping. 

Hope I'm making sense

[formflier]

  seemed so genuine, ... .I just don't get it.

they were... ."for that moment"

It helps me to think of them having lots of "moments" that come and go... .

As "nons" we are amazed at how quickly those moments come and go, because in our life... .the mood changes take hours... .or days... .and facts driving our feelings... .vice the other way around.

So... .they thing to "radically accept"... .or to decide you want no part of... .is the rapid mood swings.

They will happen.  Tools can make them better... .but it's a relative change.

So... .to be frank ... .either get on board with "accepting" this... .or... .decide you can't do that... .and stay NC.

There is no middle ground.

FF