I found my answer..I hope

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I think I finally found my answer in how to deal with my uBPDxW. Although I tried not to JADE a couple of years ago, I was new at it and it didn't stick. I constantly felt like I needed to defend myself when no defending was necessary. I hadn't been on these boards for awhile but last week I came on and was reminded about FOG. The guilt of my failed marriage (although she cheated even while we were in counseling) and not standing up to her years ago was causing me to JADE and I must admit I could get pretty nasty and personal with her, mainly about the affair.

But last week I sent her a message asking her to change days as I needed to go out of town for work and knew it was not going to go well.  She got personal and nasty but I stuck to the point, validated her frustration with the change and stayed nice the entire time. We worked it out, mostly to her liking but I get to spend my 50th bday with my kids which was most important. In the process my plans for a 50th birthday celebration weekend with friends had to be nixed for now, but hell, I'm 50 for an entire year and in my 50's for a decade so it's all good.

Later in the week, I received a somewhat nasty text from her, I answered it concisely, she got personal, I didn't bite and I moved on.  Same thing tonight, I sent her some info about the kids school, she got personal and nasty, I replied to the valid questions and left the toxic questions alone and let it drop. The les I JADE, it seems like each interaction from her side gets more personal and nasty, but it's not really bothering me as much as it used to but most importantly I feel better about myself. I would beat myself up about the interactions for weeks and feel horrible about myself and she would just move on. That really wasn't worth it.

On a side note, as I'm writing this, the man she had her affair with (he says they are no longer communicating but they've both lied to me so much I don't know what to believe) just texted me "humbly" asking me to allow my boys to attend his son's birthday party. I answered him concisely and to the point (in case you're wondering, no they are not going) but I'm beating myself up because I don't feel I was nice enough to him. What's wrong with me?

Although I've felt beaten up and bullied over the past 2 weeks, I feel good about myself. I wish I had stuck to this idea years ago. ":)on't worry, Be Happy." Don't Worry, Don't JADE now.

RaisenCane

[RaisenCane]

I think I finally found my answer in how to deal with my uBPDxW. Although I tried not to JADE a couple of years ago, I was new at it and it didn't stick. I constantly felt like I needed to defend myself when no defending was necessary. I hadn't been on these boards for awhile but last week I came on and was reminded about FOG. The guilt of my failed marriage (although she cheated even while we were in counseling) and not standing up to her years ago was causing me to JADE and I must admit I could get pretty nasty and personal with her, mainly about the affair.

But last week I sent her a message asking her to change days as I needed to go out of town for work and knew it was not going to go well.  She got personal and nasty but I stuck to the point, validated her frustration with the change and stayed nice the entire time. We worked it out, mostly to her liking but I get to spend my 50th bday with my kids which was most important. In the process my plans for a 50th birthday celebration weekend with friends had to be nixed for now, but hell, I'm 50 for an entire year and in my 50's for a decade so it's all good.

Later in the week, I received a somewhat nasty text from her, I answered it concisely, she got personal, I didn't bite and I moved on.  Same thing tonight, I sent her some info about the kids school, she got personal and nasty, I replied to the valid questions and left the toxic questions alone and let it drop. The les I JADE, it seems like each interaction from her side gets more personal and nasty, but it's not really bothering me as much as it used to but most importantly I feel better about myself. I would beat myself up about the interactions for weeks and feel horrible about myself and she would just move on. That really wasn't worth it.

On a side note, as I'm writing this, the man she had her affair with (he says they are no longer communicating but they've both lied to me so much I don't know what to believe) just texted me "humbly" asking me to allow my boys to attend his son's birthday party. I answered him concisely and to the point (in case you're wondering, no they are not going) but I'm beating myself up because I don't feel I was nice enough to him. What's wrong with me?

Although I've felt beaten up and bullied over the past 2 weeks, I feel good about myself. I wish I had stuck to this idea years ago. ":)on't worry, Be Happy." Don't Worry, Don't JADE now.

RaisenCane

[david]

Sounds like some progress has been made. Congrats. It took me around three years to figure out communication with my ex. I made lots of mistakes those three years. Eventually my communication became very direct, only about our boys, and ignored all the nasty from the other side. It then took my ex some time to change her communications towards me. I still get occasional nasty emails but nowhere near the amount from before. I view her nasty emails now as something that has surfaced in her psyche and she is venting since she has no other skills to handle whatever it is. I used to remember everything she said and would dwell on it. Now, I read it and put it in a folder. A few hours later I can't recall what it was about.