Considering disinheriting BPDD. What do you think?

[atmywitsendtoo]

In dark humor moments my husband and I have joked that our pregnant BPD daughter who seemingly had no consious or empathy and has no means to support herself and her baby might murder us in our sleep to inherit out house and savings. She lives with us in a crampped apartment above the garage and has made comments about how the house will be hers some day. I told her that my husband and I have about 20 or 30 more years in us and asked her if she wantes to live in that crampped apartment for 20 to 30 years waiting for us to die rather that getting her life together. She is a dishonest person who lies incessantly and steals and holds her own very twisted and warped version of reality that has her being the victum of horrible parents. I am starting to wonder if she might not actually harm us because inheriting the house and our saving would secure her future. Becaue this thought keeps passing through my mind I am starting to think that we should take her out of the will or put it into some sort of controlled trust that would dole out money to her based on her participation and progress in therapy. Am I crazy or have thought like these crossed your minds too?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Bonjour]

I totally hear you.  Our daughter is younger.  Tried to kill herself at 6 and would threaten us.  Was also scared to sleep in the house with her at times and I worry about her future.  I would definitely do a trust and I live the idea of making accesd it contingent upon continued therapy.  Just as thought, and it might not be feasible, but is there any way to set her up with a studio of her own elsewhere or in a community of people with disabilities?  Just a thought.  I believe, but am not sure, if she is on her own she might qualify for govt aid. 

[Rockieplace]

When I read your post 'atmywitsend' I called my h to the computer and we both had to chuckle as we had had the same conversation ourselves.  My BPDd34 is always asking about her inheritance and questioning us about our wills.  My other d is convinced that her sister would do something to us to hasten our demise!  While I don't think it is likely it has crossed my mind to tell others my fears so that if something did happen there would at least be questions asked! 

While I don't think either of us would consider disinheriting her I do think that having a windfall would in fact kill her as she is so impulsive and very unwise in her spending and likely to revert to her addictive behaviours if given a chance.  It is a very difficult situation isn't it? 

The answer to your question about being crazy though is an easy one.  No, in my opinion, you are not!

   

[atmywitsendtoo]

When I read your post 'atmywitsend' I called my h to the computer and we both had to chuckle as we had had the same conversation ourselves.  My BPDd34 is always asking about her inheritance and questioning us about our wills.  My other d is convinced that her sister would do something to us to hasten our demise!  While I don't think it is likely it has crossed my mind to tell others my fears so that if something did happen there would at least be questions asked! 

While I don't think either of us would consider disinheriting her I do think that having a windfall would in fact kill her as she is so impulsive and very unwise in her spending and likely to revert to her addictive behaviours if given a chance.  It is a very difficult situation isn't it? 

The answer to your question about being crazy though is an easy one.  No, in my opinion, you are not!

   

I am not sure if this is the correct way to reply or not but the only I was able to write something to you was to hit "quote" which quotes your whole response to me. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I am glad to hear that it is not just me. My daughter gave birth to our granddaughter a couple of weeks ago and that brings a whole new joy and heart wrenching pain into the situation. In this situation we either have to put up with more nonsense than a person can bear to have our granddaughter in our lives or, we have to distance ourselves from both of them which is an unbearably sad and impossible choice to have to make. Now that we have a granddaughter we are indeed going to have our will redone and we will likely put much of it in some kind of trust for our granddaughter so she can pay for the therapy that sadly she will probably need one day.

[GaGrl]

This is a valid and important financial question. My DH is a financial advisor, and I've seen him work with multiple clients and estate lawyer's on inheritance arrangements. You might want to consult experts re: trusts that prevent monies going directly to your daughter.

[wendydarling]

Hi Atmywitsend it's so good to hear from you, you've been in my thoughts  , it really helps putting those valid questions out as here as Gargl says.

Many congratulations on the birth of your grand daughter may she bring you much joy, while I recognise the emotional dilemma you feel, there is always opportunity. We are all here to learn and make changes, improve our wellbeing and through that the wellbeing of family. While the skills and lessons you learn here may not be successful with your DD at this time, think of it as investment in your GD, personally I believe its the greatest gift you can bestow her.  

How have the first few weeks gone?

WDx
PS if you look above the quote button to the green tab you'll find the reply button