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[Bits]

Our 18 year old daughter has BPD.  She no longer lives at home after she hurt me in a rage.  My husband is a saint and still helps her, for which I am grateful.  But I am paralyzed by anxiety attacks after so many years of living in fear, and, in her last six months at home, multiple 911 calls.  I want her to succeed, but I also want my life back.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

Bits it sounds to me like you have already mastered at least two of the skills - loving detachment and simultaneous different feelings! 

I'm so sorry to hear about the violent incident and pattern, that must have been extremely difficult and heartbreaking. 

I don't have answers for you but I want you to know you absolutely have a right to be safe, and even if your daughter has BPD she does have the ability to make the choices and learn the skills to control her urges. 

Is she in therapy?  Has she taken responsibility for her actions and for controlling herself in the future? 

I hope you take steps to get your life back!  Would love to hear about what your life entails, work, hobbies, friends, other family.  Focus on your own life is probably healthy for all involved. 

[Bits]

Thanks, Incadove.  She is not in therapy and does not take responsibility for her actions.  As you all know, it is always someone else's fault.  She was in therapy, hospitalized, on meds, etc. when she lived with us, but now that she is 18 we are helpless in that regard.  I have no idea what her future holds.  She has outstanding warrants she needs to face, including one for breaking into our own home, as they cripple her from getting a job, a replacement license, etc. 
I have come to realize I am helpless to help her, especially since I am currently so very frail myself in many ways.  I can accept that - both of those things.  I don't judge myself for being frail... .I come by it very honestly   But I want to heal.  I want to feel in control of my life.  I have lots of good, peaceful moments.   Our marriage is strong, and I have many interests and things I enjoy.  My biggest thing is I need to be able to flee.  I can't be stuck in traffic, or a line at the grocery store, or even far from the exit in a box store, etc.  For years I slept with my keys and cell phone under my pillow, as my husband never wanted to get the police involved so our plan during her rages was to remove ourselves.  She recovered more quickly that way, and we were safer that way.  But it reached a point where even he realized we needed the help of the police.  My first 911 call was when she was trying to smash her head against the window and jump out of the moving car.  The phone was blue-toothed to the car, so she kept hanging it up by pushing the power button.  His first was when she pulled a knife in a rage in the kitchen.  She dropped the knife so that call was aborted, too.  I'm sure you all have the same kinds of stories.  I never thought I would be locked in the bathroom for my safety on the phone with 911 while my husband got battered trying to restrain her from hurting herself or him any further.  But I am.  I guess most of the people here are.  And I would do it all over again.  Our daughter is adopted, but I would do it again because I think we have given her the very best chance she could have had to succeed given what at times seems impossible emotional and mental challenges. 
My big push now, what I do have control over, is to heal.  I have taken a course on yoga for anxiety, and loved it.  I have pursued counseling, but we live in a rural area and there are only two local therapists I really feel are substantial and have deep integrity.  One does not take our insurance, and the other was our daughter's therapist for years and feels it would be a conflict of interest to see me.  I am unable to drive out of town by myself due to anxiety.  My work is very understanding and has been supportive during all the multiple crises over the years.  My doctor, who knows our daughter well, is also very supportive.  My extended family is compassionate and heartbroken, just like us. I know time will help.  I know talking about it will help.  But, while I know I have every right to be broken, I am also angry at being so frail.  There are things I want to do that I can't.  I took a leap coming here, and have to admit I haven't read many other threads.  It's hard.  Even typing this is hard, because it brings it all back to the forefront. I would be much more peaceful having a cup of coffee on the deck.  But I need to do this, for me... .I need to face down the demons.  I don't think I'll go dig around the site right now... .maybe I will go enjoy that cup of coffee.  But I will later today. 
I'm glad this site is here.

[Huat]

Hello Bits and welcome!

In reading your posts I think you are doing all the right things to get back on track.  You are doing things to look after YOU.   Healing is a journey... .not a destination.  It is putting one foot in front of the other and recognizing that bit-by-bit you are progressing.

It is good to read that you have the support of your husband, family and professionals and that you feel confident that you have given her "the very best chance she could have had to succeed."  I'm sure we all do the best we can with/for our challenging children... .and when we know better we do better.  Stay confident in that thought and keep guilt from creeping in.

I like Incadove's comment... ."you have a right to be safe and even if your daughter has BPD, she does have the ability to make the choices and learn the skills to control her urges."  So true!

I wish you the best, Bits, and I hope participating in this forum will give you more strength in your healing.

[incadove]

Bits thank you for joining us and sharing your story.  You have been through much more than I have and I really admire your clear-headedness and deep caring. 

I don't know much about all this, and normally I am very slow to suggest anything chemical (I never put my daughters on any meds until they were adults, then I supported one low dose anxiety medication) but at the level of violence you describe I do think some kind of mood stabilizing medication is probably called for, and I hope she will take one.  Others may disagree but I even think marijuana is likely to reduce her violence and calm her down, so if she were my daughter I would not be opposed to her using it (also it is a medication they will continue to take because of the good feeling they get from it, but it is not physically addictive).  A foster child who I work with gets good results from Zyprexa, without that he breaks stuff.

Good luck on your journey I hope you will come back here, or in any case have some relief from the anxiety as you set boundaries and have the power to keep yourself safe.  Take care.

(one really interesting book I am reading now, is Buddha and the Borderline, a first person account from a BPD sufferer who got relief from meditation and buddhist philosophy, as well as DBT.  reading usually helps me feel more in control because I'm learning, so I'm maybe changing something at least in me!)