How do I stop the bleeding?

[5xFive]

He’s at it again. This morning, I was rubbing uBPDh awake like I do every morning but D1 woke up early. She normally sleeps until about 7 but today she woke up at 5:45. This is usually HIS time. He says, “go, I’m used to it”. First of all, I have no idea how to respond to this. I know that he struggles to wake up and he feels like he needs help, but what can you do when a 1yo decides she’s up for the day?
I told him that if I could get her back to sleep, I would come back but of course it was too late for him. I need her to sleep too. The hour from 6-7 is when I get a lot of my work done, and when she gets up early, it screws up her naps for the rest of the day, and makes it tough for me to do what I need to do.
She was almost asleep, maybe 2 more minutes and he busts into her room and yells, “I’m leaving!”  Knowing him as I do, I realize this is my invitation to come talk to him and if I don’t, he will be more angry. She’s up now anyway, so we go out to the kitchen where he is slamming his coffee cup and thermos and throwing things around the room.
Then he starts in about how he’s really going to kill himself today. I guess the only thing that he learned from me calling 911 yesterday was that I will do whatever I need to to to protect him and that it’s ok to make this threat. I had hoped that he would not do this again. Now he’s texting about how he’s not leaving any letters or anything, and that I need to tell his mom that he is sorry. I tried calling him (I will not break my promise and text) but he is not answering.
Then he texted that he wants me to keep s7 home today so he can have a good day with him before he kills himself. I called and he answered and I don’t even know what was said except that he said, “if I can’t spend one last day with him then fine” and hung up on me. I didn’t even say anything about that. I was trying to validate his pain. Then he texts me to let s7 know especially about how sorry he is. Then he goes into how I’m the reason that he wants to die, and now he is going to leave a letter letting everyone know that he is doing this because of me. Apparently I did not validate properly.
I mean, this is crazy. I don’t want to call the police again. I honestly don’t believe him. I think he’s threatening like he has done so often in the past. I think he truly wants the pain to end, but I don’t believe that he will actually kill himself. But I’m lost. I heard about what a pos I was all day yesterday for calling 911. How I should have KNOWN he didn’t mean it. But now today he’s back at it. Is this because he knows he will get a response out of me?
Thoughts?

[Tattered Heart]

This sounds like a good time to begin looking at strategies to draw a hard line in the sand that may help you out in the long run. You made a big move in calling 911. It may have embarrassed him. He might be angry, but that's on him to deal with. Even though he is mad about it, what if you made it a standard for yourself that you will call 9-11 if he threatens to harm himself?

Eventually they will either take him to the hospital or he will stop making the threats. Either way, it takes the burden of feeling responsible for his life off of you. If he gets mad about it again, you can say "I worry about you when you threaten to harm yourself. I cannot tell when you are serious or not so anytime you begin to threaten to hurt yourself, I will call for help."

Both times my H made this threat, I told him I was going to hang up to call an ambulance. He stopped immediately and said he didn't mean it. He saw that I was serious in not allowing him to use his threat of self harm as a way to control or manipulate me and that there would be real consequences that would affect him for doing so.

[5xFive]

Thanks Tattered,

I did do this, I told him that I was hanging up to call and I hung up and started to call. I think he realizes that I am serious since we dealt with this yesterday. He freaked out and called me and told me that he says that because he wants to die but he doesn't WANT to die. I don't see the distinction but I must have done an ok job of validating because when we ended our conversation, so did the texts. I have not heard from him in over an hour.

I have been reading the skills workshops, especially the ones on validating and avoiding the JADE. These two are the most effective skills with my uBPDh but they are the absolute hardest for me. Sometimes I don't even realize that I am defensive or arguing until he escalates. SO often, I think I am being validating until he gets mad that I never understand him. There are so many rules that I have to follow and keep in my head at all times. He says it is just one: respect but they go like this:
-Do not say sorry, they are empty and don't mean anything
-Do not get defensive
-Do not ask "stupid" questions
-Do not add commentary
    -also do not ad lib which I think may be the same rule
-Do not be a hypocrite (I agree this one is respect, but again I am in such a FOG all the time that I don't always know that I am being hypocritical - hear my defensiveness? ugh)
-DO NOT TEXT - this is a big one. He will text me 50-75 times in a row and the first time I reply via text, the rage boils over. I have to call and most of the time he will hang up on me and start texting me right away. This one is so hard for me
-Say okay and let him lead
-Stop saying okay all the time,  (I think I get the difference here. The first should be say *yes* and the second is don't be invalidating, but you can see these rules get confusing)
-Never EVER block him (learned this rule yesterday when I blocked him - he blocks me regularly)

There are more, but you get the picture. I feel like there is no way for me to possibly stick to every one of these rules and still be validating and still not feel like a doormat. I feel like I am spinning and I can't center myself.

I have started doing the 4-7-8 breathing, twice a day and during stress times. I googled it and watched Dr. Weil's video which helped me figure out how to do it correctly. I am trying to read the skills and tools workshops during every break I have, instead of spending time watching Netflix or on facebook.

But I do not feel centered. And I don't know if I can keep it all straight in my head until I feel more centered... .

[Tattered Heart]

I have been reading the skills workshops, especially the ones on validating and avoiding the JADE. These two are the most effective skills with my uBPDh but they are the absolute hardest for me. Sometimes I don't even realize that I am defensive or arguing until he escalates.

That's ok though. The fact that you are noticing it, even if he has started to escalate, is a starting place. Once you do realize it, then back off your stance and go into validating. I know it's hard to do and often once they are so worked up it's hard to get there. For me I've hand instances where he was starting to get worked up and I realized I was JADEing. Once I realized it, I will literally just stop what I'm saying, even mid sentence (also makes a dramatic effect  then calmly and humbly say "You know. I just realized that I was trying to justify my behavior and that I wasn't really listening to you. Sorry about that. Yes, I hear what you're saying. Can you tell me more about it?"

Is there something you could do that would help you realize sooner rather than later that you are going into JADE?
When I first started practicing the skills I had document on my phone with a list of how to approach conflict.

Here's what it said:
Validate
Don't JADE
Don't validate the invalid
Know your limits

When he would start to escalate or rant I would pull out my phone and read my list (or excuse myself to the bathroom briefly). It was a great reminder.

There are more, but you get the picture. I feel like there is no way for me to possibly stick to every one of these rules and still be validating and still not feel like a doormat. I feel like I am spinning and I can't center myself.

You're right. There is absolutely no way for you to remember or meet all his rules. The more you can validate him and he begins to see that you are listening, the less those rules matter. He makes these rules as a way to try to control what's going on around him and in his life. When he knows you are really listening, the rules become less important. Just like any man, he wants to know his wife truly hears his heart, but like a child, he is unable to express that in ways that make sense.

I have started doing the 4-7-8 breathing, twice a day and during stress times. I googled it and watched Dr. Weil's video which helped me figure out how to do it correctly. I am trying to read the skills and tools workshops during every break I have, instead of spending time watching Netflix or on facebook.

But I do not feel centered. And I don't know if I can keep it all straight in my head until I feel more centered... .

Funny story. I tried doing the 4-7-8 breathing a few weeks ago while falling asleep and I thought I was going to die! I absolutely could not breathe and felt like I was suffocating. I haven't tried it again.

I always say, just choose one. Yes, all of the skills work together, but if that's too much to do at once, just choose one. Practice it. Work on it. And when you feel like it's helping you (not fixing him but helping YOU), choose one more. Does that sound doable? Does it sound less overwhelming than trying to figure all of them out at once?

[5xFive]

Thank you again.
Yes. Very smart. I think for me, validating and not jadeing go hand in hand. And h thinks MY behavior is unacceptable if I don’t do these things and then we go out of control. It occurred to me today that maybe it is victim mentality, but I’d rather come out of an argument knowing that I didn’t cause more pain than feeling like I got him to see my POV. Trust me, I would probably fall out if he saw my point but at least I know I stand on higher ground if I don’t continue a circular argument. When I was going to therapy, my T asked me to stop texting her between sessions because I was drawing her into my circle of chaos. When I react and jade and invalidate, I’m putting myself squarely in h’s tornado of chaos and I’m hurting myself.
I don’t know if I will feel this way when we spin out again, but I’m going to really try to breathe before I respond.
Feeling like you’re suffocating with the 4-7-8 breathing! Oh my gosh! I totally felt light headed and had to put my hand to my head for a minute, but I could feel my anxiety lessen the first time I did it, so I’m going to keep trying it. He says in his video that it takes 1.5 mins. Lol! No excuse not to do it. 

Thanks again TH for your thoughtful replies.

[Tattered Heart]

Validating and not JADE are definitely very powerful together. JADEing is the opposite of validating. I see many think they are validating, but it turns out they are being invalidating. It's a nuanced skill and using both together can really help our pwBPD feel heard.

[5xFive]

Yes. My biggest issue is I’m on the defensive. It’s like my state of being now. Idk if I’ve always been this way, and I just didn’t know, and now I am paying attention and see it. Or if this is new over the last few years... .?
I just found myself on the defensive a moment ago. H has recycled us all. He’s in a great mood and has been playing with the kids, and talking to me like everything is fine. I started homework with s7 (d1 was in the high chair) and I realized that I needed to go grab the markers from the other room and since H was standing right there, I said “I need to go grab the markers, I’ll be right back”. H was talking to s7 and they started horsing around and ran out of the kitchen. I’m in the other room searching for markers under the couch, and h says to d1 (loudly, in my direction) “did they all leave you in here?” And I Jaded. Ugh. He didn’t get mad but I was mad at myself. My response was “well, you guys were still in there when I left”. Omg. What is wrong with me?

[Radcliff]

5xFive,

As I was catching up on this thread I was thinking of all the things I'd say, but Tattered Heart nailed it way better than I ever could have.  So this will be short!

Validating and not JADEing is hard to learn, but so worth it.  You are doing great.  Keep working at it, and you'll keep getting better!

I'm sorry you have to see all of those horrible texts.  The one about telling your son he is sorry, then blaming you, that one especially I was so sad to see you had to deal with.  I know you can catch most of this in your "garbage" filter, but it still takes a toll.  One strategy that helps me be less upset when garbage texts start rolling in is to put the phone down and just walk to the other side of the house and busy myself with something for a few minutes, then walk back.  It gives me a feeling of control and some space from the 

WW