Feeling so terribly sad

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi.  I'm just beginning to come to terms with what is happening in my life and my son's life.  He is now 40 years old and has had difficulty regulating his emotions as long as I can remember.  I spent most of his life "walking on eggshells" in attempts to give him a happy life. This continued into adulthood.  He has talked about suicide at least twice that I know of, once when he was 12 and more recently.  At 12 he was hospitalized for depression.  He does not have a BPD diagnosis and stopped going to the therapist because he doesn't want to be diagnosed. He is very intellectually gifted but had school anxiety and finished school at a small private school, followed by film school where he graduated as the valedictorian.  He has done some very interesting work but has never been able to get his career off the ground as he has had numerous conflicts with co-workers.  He married a lovely, intelligent, successful young lady 11 years ago and has a 4 year old son.  My son became the stay-at-home caregiver and seemed to be doing a great job.    My grandson is wonderful. My son also put a lot of work into improving their home. Almost a year ago, their home flooded, ruining most of the work he did.  This seemed to push him over the edge but, unbeknownst to me, trouble had been brewing for quite some time.  He is now blaming me and his wife for his lack of career success and now maintains that I didn't provide him a stable, safe childhood.  He recently moved out of their home and has not let me see my grandson for 8 months.  He has not spoken to me for 8 months and has blocked me from calling him as well.  I know he is hurting very badly and my heart is breaking for him.  I get nauseous thinking about it.  I don't know what I can do except wait.  I want a relationship with my grandson and with my son in whatever form that may be but I have no idea what I can do.  Does anyone have any suggestions?

[tertonsco]

Hi.  I'm just beginning to come to terms with what is happening in my life and my son's life.  He is now 40 years old and has had difficulty regulating his emotions as long as I can remember.  I spent most of his life "walking on eggshells" in attempts to give him a happy life. This continued into adulthood.  He has talked about suicide at least twice that I know of, once when he was 12 and more recently.  At 12 he was hospitalized for depression.  He does not have a BPD diagnosis and stopped going to the therapist because he doesn't want to be diagnosed. He is very intellectually gifted but had school anxiety and finished school at a small private school, followed by film school where he graduated as the valedictorian.  He has done some very interesting work but has never been able to get his career off the ground as he has had numerous conflicts with co-workers.  He married a lovely, intelligent, successful young lady 11 years ago and has a 4 year old son.  My son became the stay-at-home caregiver and seemed to be doing a great job.    My grandson is wonderful. My son also put a lot of work into improving their home. Almost a year ago, their home flooded, ruining most of the work he did.  This seemed to push him over the edge but, unbeknownst to me, trouble had been brewing for quite some time.  He is now blaming me and his wife for his lack of career success and now maintains that I didn't provide him a stable, safe childhood.  He recently moved out of their home and has not let me see my grandson for 8 months.  He has not spoken to me for 8 months and has blocked me from calling him as well.  I know he is hurting very badly and my heart is breaking for him.  I get nauseous thinking about it.  I don't know what I can do except wait.  I want a relationship with my grandson and with my son in whatever form that may be but I have no idea what I can do.  Does anyone have any suggestions?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi tertonsco and welcome to bpdfamily 

I'm sorry for what you're going through and glad you found us for support and understanding, many parents have been through similar experiences to you, you are not alone.   I hear your sadness, you miss your son and grandson, concerned for your son, he left the family home. Are you in touch with his wife?

WDx

[Huat]

Hello Tertonsco and I join in welcoming you here.

I, too, hear your sadness.  From experience I know the ultimate hurt is being cut-off from the lives of your grandchildren.  I am so sorry this is happening to you.

I repeat Wendydarling's question in asking if you are in touch with your son's wife.  I imagine there is a shared-custody arrangement between her and your son.  Even though there is the chance that your son could consider this as interfering, my opinion is that you really have nothing to lose but something to gain if it works.

Over the years, there were a number of times when our daughter severed ties with us.  I cringe when I remember back to the heartache that would cause us to almost beg for reconciliation, mainly so that we could have contact with our precious grandchildren.  I'm sure that added fuel to her fire, validated that what she was doing was hitting its mark.

Sadly your son has put up roadblocks that only he can take down.  Hopefully, in time, that will happen.  If/when it does, you can validate his feelings but stay confident in knowing you always tried to do your best as his Mom.  Know, too, that it is important for you to have your own boundaries in relation to him.  Expecting his respect of/for you is first and foremost.  Always maintain your dignity.  You are not a doormat.

I wish you well.  Keep posting!

[jacinth]

Tertonsco,
Navigating this painful, difficut terrain is tough. I have come to realize that I have little control over what my BPD adult child does.  The most I can do is to try to have integrity, compassion, clear boundaries, and good self-care.  Lord knows we need it. My 37 year old daughter like your son is intelligent and capable, and has a young daughter. Unlike your son, her relationship with her partner fell apart.  I have tried to be supportive of her, but she resists any therapeutic help and, consequently, believes she is the victim in all circumstances. She is on the verge of homelessness, and won't let me see my granddaughter because I won't let her live with my husband and me.  It is beyond heartbreaking, but I work hard on detachment because I know I am powerless over her choices. She has become increasingly hostile also. I am sure that you have done your best to be a good parent. None of us are perfect. You can express support and reach out on occasion, fully understanding that what your son does is out of your hands. You can still love your child and grandchild, and hopefully, in both of our cases, we will be able to share that love in person someday.