I'm new here and totally overwhelmed

[mamameeyah]

Hi! I'm new here. Mother of 4 - 2 girls and 2 boys. I'm a successful career woman - professor at a research university. But when it comes to my BPD child, I feel like a total failure.

My 21-year-old girl, E, was diagnosed bipolar when she was a teen. Later, she was diagnosed with BPD. Her life and our family's life with her has been chaotic, fraught with drama and pain - I bet all our stories are similar.

First time for me to join a support group. I am overwhelmed and don't know where to start. Anyway, I'm here, looking or help... I guess that's a start.

I just want to know... .is there hope for our children?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Bethel]

Welcome, Mamameehah.

I am sorry that you feel overwhelmed.  I have often felt that way, too.
I also have four children, 2 girls and 2 boys.  I'm a paralegal and my husband is a professor at a private university.  And we have a 22-year-old daughter who is diagnosed as bi-polar and BPD.  It sounds like we share some similarities.  Maybe just knowing that will help you know that you are not alone.  I just recently joined this group/site and have found encouragement through the resources . . . .

There is hope.  I'd encourage you to watch the recording titled "Back from the Edge" which is on this website under this link: https://bpdfamily.com/content/treatment-borderline-personality-disorder
Also, I have found encouragement from reading STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS.  It has helped me to see that I need to take care of myself and learn some skills to better maneuver in this difficult relationship.

Can you identify or explain if there is something in particular (an incident?) that brought on this feeling of being overwhelmed?  Or has it been simmering for a while and you have just now reached out?  (I am so glad that you had the courage to reach out!)

[mamameeyah]

Thank you for reading my first post Bethel!

I came upon this site after finding the book Stop Walking on Eggshells. No particular incident, more of the same I guess - just tired of all the conflict and the drama - with no idea if this will never end.

We've kicked her out many times, thinking that if she hits rock bottom, she will wake up. She's been in and out of relationships - she can be very charming and loving when she wants to, then her partners quickly find out what she's like. She is basically couch surfing, makes no effort or can't sustain the effort to get/keep a job. She always finds people who will enable her. She's been in and out of school - we've wasted a lot of money on tuition - she'll just drop out when she gets tired or overwhelmed.

And yet, I continue to help her when I can. I had to kick her out this last time because she was becoming unmanageable and increasingly physically and emotionally abusive. For example, yesterday she called me Satan and a monster - all for insisting that we fill out a FAFSA form together -- my condition for fronting her tuition for now. She's agreed to do this beforehand, and once I'd paid for tuition she said she was too tired to apply for her student loan. That's when it hit the fan... .I blame myself for how it escalated - I should've known better. But I am so tired of it all and am so hurt by her.

The way she looked at me - I just couldn't believe this was the baby I held in my arms. Why has it come to this?

Last year, I swallowed a bottle of pills in front of her because she wouldn't stop ragging on me about something (I don't even remember). I didn't have a plan, I just saw the bottle and like a zombie, I dumped the pills in my hand and swallowed them. It was like an out of body experience. I snapped out of it and tried to puke it out right away. They brought me to the ER and mandated I see a psychiatrist and a therapist. This has helped a lot, but there are days when I just feel so hopeless and helpless.

[jones54]

Hi Mamameeyah,
I am divorced father of 2 with a 32 yo BPD daughter. I am a professional but with BPD it does not care about your level of education. This mental illness knows no level of class. My daughter struggled for years (she also has had heroin addiction). She finally finished undergrad with an English major and actually is in Grad school for a masters in social work. Even with this her attitude has not fully changed. She is in therapy (we are now joining in) but she still has emotional issues with severe anger (mostly with texts)... .typical millennial. My best recommendation for you is continue to read and understand how their minds work. It actually is sad because I do not think they like who they are at times. I recently finished the book, Buddha and the Borderline. This was written by a borderline and helps you understand how they feel. Yes, we can feel sorry for them but we cannot make excuses for their behavior. We have to have boundaries. My daughter has not lived under my roof for a long time but unfortunately her mother rented a house for her and she has really not helped with rent for a long time. She was in school with 12 credits but should have found part time work to help with rent. Never happened because her mother paid the rent in full for a year, then for 6 months. No possible way to get evicted. She has had jobs in the past (cashier) but has lost many... .mostly due to addiction. I think she has been sober for a year but you never know. I was paying her tuition (get a degree, get a good job and take care of yourself!) but due to her poor behavior I told her to get loans. I just do not want to live in a relationship like this for the rest of my life. Sounds like you have had some good boundaries. These are important. We are as parents, terrible enablers. As they say "enabling is the lowest form of love". See a therapists who understands borderlines. Hope and pray your daughter will seek help. Help when she is doing the right thing and have boundaries when she is not. There is hope but only when they want to help themselves.

[Huat]

"BPD does not care about your level of education.  This mental illness knows no level of class."  That quote from Jones54 is so true.  Mental illness knows no boundaries.

Many of us participating on this forum are not professionals, yet all of us have been affected one way or another by someone's BPD.  Yes, we have a common bond.

The other day I was out on a walk with a long-time friend and confident.  She has two grown children who are in stable relationships, hold down good jobs and parent her non-problematic (so far) grandchildren.  I, on the other hand, have 2 adult children who have grappled with mental illness, broken relationships, child custody, drug addiction, etc., etc., etc. My husband and I have suffered greatly from the fallout of their actions.

So, as my friend and I walked and talked, the subject turned to recent head-shaking incidents in our community and my friend, who was so caught up in the conversation and I'm sure forgetting who she was walking/talking with, said, "You wonder, where are the parents?"   Once I caught my breath, my response was, "You have been very lucky!"  She knew her mistake instantly and she was embarrassed.  Nature and nurture have worked to put us into different parental categories.

Before our problems started, I admit to being a "Holier-than-thou."  My husband and I were doing all the right things to bring up children who would be shining examples from the results of our "good parenting."  Then reality hit and hit again... .and it was so hard to swallow that these things could happen in OUR family.

Mamameeyah, I do understand how you got to the point where you swallowed that bottle of pills.  I can well remember toying with the thought of suicide.  I cried buckets and my heart literally ached... .hurt so badly.  Thankfully I never followed through with those thoughts and I am here today, finally content in knowing that we were the best parents we knew how to be and that when we knew better... .we did better... .and we will continue to do so.

"There is hope, but only when they want to help themselves."... .another quote from Jones54.  That may be the case for those who suffer from BPD... .but not for us who are connected to them.  We can generate our own hope.  We have to be the ones to change.  As Lesson 3 to the right reads, "If your current approach is not working... .change it." 

When life gets overwhelming for me now, I try to remember to recite my mantra... ."Serenity (accept the things I cannot change) -Courage (to change the things I can) -Wisdom (to know the difference)."

I don't mean for all this to sound like a simplistic solution, because it isn't.  It is an ongoing work-in-progress for me.  This is not the family life I dreamed of having.  Every now and then I do slip into mourning the death of that dream but now, more often than not, I am finding that a smile can grow on my face.   I am now in my mid-70's and there are more years behind me than there are ahead.  (Sigh!)  Serenity-Courage-Wisdom!

I wish all of you more and more smiles... .and keep posting.  This forum offers you a wonderful way  to vent and to be validated.  So, so important!