Hi all, Is it normal to fall out of love? After 11 months of his rages on me, words said, him sending me into PTSD, depression, anxiety, fearful for myself and life PLUS me fearing for my unborn baby, and then he pretends to be himself again, just to attack again... .I really have no sexual attraction, don't even want his touches, his presence and am actually enjoying this time away from him of a whole week (he has not raged out on me for a week I mean.)
He is still not doing much, just walking around homestead, piddling around. I am still the only one researching everything, calling everywhere, emailing, seeking, teaching me, reaching out to people, doing it all regarding: mental disorders, pregnancy, baby, new family, housing, financial aide, food aide... .I spend my days DOING, going to counseling, going to the county offices, actually making progress in my recovery trying to save my family (with or without him at this point). And, it feels like I am recovering from HIM.
They say BPDs are sensitive and feel things more, but I actually see WHY he would be so insecure, without BPD. Well, let me say, if I were him, I would be highly insecure always. When I had lovely dovey eyes, it was all things I saw we would grow with, make stronger, stick together through, cus we would work and grow stronger together... .with my new eyes, ya, being a ___ty Husband and crappy father would definately make me very very disappointed in myself. But, ya know what I do when I fail, or disappoint myself or a loved one? I try harder! And when I am hurting, I am a introvert... .I dont lash out and try to emotionally murder my one and only love.
I can never walk in his shoes, no. I would never be in his shoes either. I do not understand the concept of emotionally murdering (BPD symptoms) loved ones, I don't. I also said no more of his abuse, and he continued... .even while I am pregnant. At this point, as I re-read my diarys and raw feelings, I really think he abused me to the point of no return.
I asked my Psychologist (yes, a head Doc that does NOT RX any pills, ever.) why his attacks throw me back into the greatest abuses, most terrifying, times in my childhood. She said, he is affecting the part of my brain that I held all those feelings and memories---and although I had it all neatly dealt with and tucked away (it took me 15 years of blood, sweat and tears plus failed suicide attempts to deal with my past violence and abuses I suffered, and he has ripped it all open and guess who gets to deal with it all again, alone?) People wonder why I am so independent, there is a common example in my life. I get abused, I am blamed and beat harder, I get away to breathe, heal me, alone. So, you either learn to love yourself and survive or you become what society makes you: a throw away, abused, neglected then turn into criminal misfit. I choose to love myself (the harder of the choices).
He has traumatized me to the point that I actually re-experience all the kidnappings, the sexual abuses, the violence, the neglect, and wow, I am about to cry to thinking about it, all this before the age of 16. Who survives that stuff? Not many I know. So, my feelings for him are numb (or gone, we shall see) as I am licking my wounds and looking over our 6 years together. I pleaded with him to stop and get help back in Apr 2017, where he had ruined out entire 2 weeks vacation: our Birthdays and proposal Anniversary, yes, all those celebrations were on our 1st ever vacation. He crushed each day, I honestly wanted to walk home, alone, on side of freeways, take my chances there instead. This was the 1st time I PTSD'ed in 14 years! He saw it all, I was a sobbing mess, flashing back, almost I dunno what I looked like, but he couldnt have missed his wife breaking down and he remained quiet and finally stopped raging on me (rage about nothing as usual, just all against me). I dont rmbr much else, just me broken and him quiet finally.
I told him he is pushing me beyond my breaking point and I am unsure what I will do. I actually was unsure if I would succumb to violent tendancies (as I was raised with), flashback and lash out, or what. Turns out he basically chipped away at our foundation and as usual, I withdrew... .I got my own words in before withdrawing though and I do NOT regret anything I have said in self defense. I meant every word. I begged him to stop back then, get help, please... .and he lied and said he would. Then he made an appt for a colonoscopy (? wyf?) Ya, so he lied. Ugh, I found that out 2 months after he said he made appt. He kept telling me yes I made appt, I said for mental right, his exact words were "I have to see my primary Doc 1st then get the counselor." I bought the lie. As it turns out, all he had to do was what everyone else has to do: call your insurance for a head Doc. He knew that, I knew that, but I believed him anyways at the time.
All this time of making excuses for him, trying to appease his every whim while he is abusive, telling him it'll be OK, we'll make it I now see: An abusive person who is out for my blood (BPD symptoms), a person who does not follow through with much, a person who is so delusional he has a hard time believing his own lies nowadays which causes guilty feelings, a person so gone and lost he can't even find his nose, all these guilty feelings are exactly right. He contributes NOTHING to us anymore. He has become EXACTLY what I said I will never allow in my life again, ever: abuse, lifesuckers. Ya know what is funny? I am so easy going about us and just want love, I dont care he makes no money, provides nothing material for me, all I cared about was our love and being together; us against the world So, he has demolished that.
I loved him and fought so hard to be with him, his REAL him (or maybe that was 5 years of a fake him?). So, now thats gone, I am left looking at a shell of someone I once knew, who happens to love my blood (BPD symptoms).
I gotta say, this week of him not ragging and acting like himself has been nice. I am not falling for the 'Husband is back' trap ever again. I hate walking on eggshells, but since he leaves me alone most of the days and nights, it's doable today. He is doing NOTHING at all in any way to improve himself, us, or prepare for baby. 11 months ago, he became the opposite of the man I married. And when I took my vows, I never vowed to love an opposite of the man I married. I said in sickness and in health I would always love him. That is true. This is no sickness, this is MY survival and I fought WAY TOO HARD to give up on my life and sacrifice myself to his blood lust (BPD symptoms).
Heart breaking, 2 people in love, fighting death (I literally was dying) and once we made it through the woods, I could walk again, he starts treating me like a whippin boy (Ima girl). An escape goat. Abusive, vile, just insanity. It truly is opposite day every day I spend near him. I much prefer my world without him (BPD symptoms). It very sad I have tried hard to help him. I have said it is not his fault, I will always help him if he helps himself and stop abusing me, I will tell everyone it is me, not him (I have kept all my words, he has only ripped it all to shreds), and I offered him free resources, places of counsel, or shelter, I have done everything BUT heal FOR him. So, I am helping myself. I did text him I am healing myself and moving forward, where he will be is up to him. I know and have expressed, he will never be with me with BPD symptoms. He actually needs a soul who has no abuse in their past, especially NOT extreme abuses as I lived.
I believe he can find someone who will allow his abuses and treat him like a baby. Oh wow, kinda like his Mom and Dad, which I saw long ago and said "I will never be your Mom, don't you ever treat me as you Father treats your Mom." Its almost like he heard the opposite and jumped on board with abusing me (BPD symptoms) just as his Father does. There was a period he tried to treat me as a Mommy figure, I knocked that * off real quick. We are adults, not babies. Babies dont pay bills and live as adults. Oh wait, that's exactly what he does. :)oesnt pay bills and doesnt live as an adult. *breathe* I am very loving, affectionate, expressive, and a GROWN UP. I dont do babies. When I say 'baby' I am not referring to his BPD symptoms at all. Or, are these BPD symptoms symptoms?
What is disturbing about him I see, and I am nothing like this so I cannot identify, is he is a parrot. A monkey. Meaning, monkey see, monkey do. Someone says something hurtful, he parrots it back in their face. Makes no sense to me at all, but I see him being a product of his family unit and lacking coping skills. He is a product of nurture. Not nature. I am a product of nature. Altho brought up being severely abused, I refused to live my life as they treated me. I fought hard to teach me coping skills, to learn ways to speak and show affection instead of abuse and hate. It took me YEARS to get to a space where it was NOT natural to be aggressive.
I actually think, do and try. I fight hard to be a good person and not follow in my upbrings abusive footsteps. So I think he was parroting me in those 5 years, and once I could walk again, he freaked out, and just went back to being a parrot and a monkey of his upbringing. But as my Therapist already said "Let me do the diagnosis." Fair enough lady, but when you're fighting alone, you tend to seek answers so you can win a fight here and there... .but now I see her once a week, so she better do better than me (!) But seriously, I am ready to heal from this terror, nightmare, worst freaking experience. With or without him, I value my life, my unborn child life, WAY more than trying to be with his (BPD symptoms) which could very well be, just his nature. If I could be with him, I would fight all day every day for HIM, always. But, that is not the case. He offers me only BPD symptoms now.
My Psychologist asked me if I am depressed, my reply is "Only when I think of him or near him now." How messed up is that, breaks my heart to even type a word of any of this---but it is a release for me in the end. Honestly, the only negative in my world is him. Which is opposite of how it was 11 months ago. Me as a person inside, not talking or thinking about him, I am very excited about my life (away from him), my 1st baby! at 37! WOW! I mean, life is so beautiful everyday, away from him. I have no friends and no family now, and I am OK with that because I would prefer to be alone than suffering. While some would put up with all this just to 'have someone' I have respect for myself. Plus, I already tried to 'bow to the King and all his crazy" routine for a few months, nope, didnt work.
I guess there is something dangerous about a person who is fine alone, survives alone, thrives alone... .my alone is what others feel when they have another half: whole. I used to have another half, and I was very happy... .I was amazed and very grateful then about that. I would brag, I got another half! Woohoo! I told the world I love being with him all day, everyday, each moment. But, once the other half tries to emotionally destroy me, rip your soul out, I quickly remember life is so good without abuse. So, alone it is for now.
I can be either alone or with partner; I am happiest without abuse, with or without another.
Last thought: Co-dependency is a terrible thing. I am sorry he suffers so with all this and more I cannot imagine. I only wish him happiness, but that will only come from: effort, energy, and perserverance. All things he lacks today. But I never count anyone down and out; but just one more rage against me, and I have numbers to call now and will be removing him from our bedroom. No, I have not threatened him with this. This to me is obvious next step.
I love reading others replies, so please, fire away
