Introduction

[janola]

Hello, just getting started here.  I began suspecting that my adult son (late 20's) has BPD about a year and a half ago, but kept backing off of it because everything I read said 1) they are always from abusive homes and 2) they are self-injuring.  This seemed to rule out BPD in my son, who is from a loving, supportive home, and who is very self-disciplined and so pre-occupied with healthy-living that he would never injure himself.

After reading the book Stop Walking On Eggshells, however, I realized that he fits into many of the categories perfectly.  These past two years have been the most confusing and emotionally chaotic ones of my life as I have tried to discern what is going on with my son's mind.  He also happens to be married, and it is the relationship with his wife that has become the prime stage of BPD.  So, I am also trying to help his sweet wife figure out what is going on and be a support to her.

In hindsite, I can see subtle traits of BPD from when he was growing up, but it wasn't until about 4 years ago that it became full-blown.  He was going through a huge amount of life stress, and his best friend -- (apart from his wife) my husband, suffered a life-changing traumatic brain injury.  This is when my son's condition seemed to rapidly escalate and become a real problem.

His behavior is irrational and so baffling, that a year ago I was convinced that someone must be crazy -- either he, his wife, or me!  Now I finally believe I have some idea of what's going on.

His wife is struggling through but is leaning on me a lot.  A lot of my son's major stresses are gone, but I know that it's just the calm before the next storm.  He is struggling to figure out his brain;  he knows it's not right, but is unwilling to accept advice from others.  He seems to constantly sabotage major life decisions.  I do not know how to discuss this with him.  He has severe trust issues.  Right now, he and I have a strong relationship, and he always welcomes my questions as I try and dig into his brain, and I believe he respects me, but I don't think he completely trusts me or anyone else in his life anymore.  I'm afraid that if I challenge him too much he will lock me out.  I've come close I think, but then back off just in time.  Right now, I think I'm one of the only people in his life who can help him, although he also has four loving sisters who care about him deeply.

He is highly intelligent, and this is perhaps what is most baffling of all.  How can such an intelligent person not see reality?  I have so many questions.  I want to help him so much, because he is such a deeply compassionate, creative person who has now hardened his heart to everything.  I know now that his hardening is how he tries to control his extreme emotions.  I feel so, so sad for him.

Anyway, I'm grateful for this board and believe I will learn a lot!  Thank you!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hello janola and welcome to bpdfamily 

I'm glad you have reached out for support, members here understand what you are going through, you are not alone.

Two years ago I stepped in here like you a newbie and I have learnt a lot and my daughter is in such a better place through my learning here. I hope you stay and learn with us.

I started with tool 1 empathy  to your right and worked down, take your good time as they may feel like the opposite to intuitive, ask questions any time. Empathy and double validation are the most powerful for my DD.

Small gentle steps work as we walk with them, they can and do take great strides to be well.

WDx