Adult daughter with BPD

[Sadnanny]

I am heartened by so many who have shared their stories and experiences here. It has really helped to read them. My daughter now 28, typically manifested symptoms and obvious behavioural changes when she was in her very late teens. It seemed to happen quite suddenly. She had generally been a sweet girl until then, although she didn't enjoy social situations and could be quite unforgiving of her peers. It's really only in retrospect that I can join the dots in her behaviours.  She became accusing, promiscuous and found it hard to complete anything or stay long term in jobs because she always ended up having a row with, or dislike for someone.  She left home and went through some intense relationships and we always rescued her and took her back when they ended badly. She began self harming and having nightmares, she had already become foul mouthed and aggressive, accusing me in particular of being a bad, abusive parent (when she was angry) yet also saying I was a loving, kind parent at other times. An emotional roller coaster. Sometimes she goes weeks, even months without speaking to me, for no apparent reason, but will message my husband (her dad) and try to cause division. Thankfully we realised and never, ever allow this to happen any more. I still find myself second guessing all the time (Did I really say or do something wrong? Was I really a terrible parent?) I keep conversations neutral and generally about her, then it works.  I don't allow myself to be vulnerable ever.  I love her dearly and grieve for lost relationship and would still help her in a blink. Anyhow, where I am headed is that she has just had a baby. I worry terribly, as does my younger daughter, that she will struggle to connect emotionally to her little one. So far she has refused to let me or her partner's mother come anywhere near her baby. She has isolated her partner, and we have very little opportunity to connect with him either. I always feel saddened when I read that BPD is as a result of trauma, because I did my best to be a loving mum. I concede that we had challenges, and my husband was a damaged man from having two parents also with personality disorders, one diagnosed and one suspected, both abusive and dysfunctional. So I do believe that genetics have played a large part, and in another way, my husband has had his issues from his own trauma. So, a mix.  Anyhow, it is a hard, sad road and I can't say I have worked through the grief yet.  Just putting it out there.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Worriedmum99]

Like you, I'm a newbie to this site. 
You are brave, we are all brave.  My daughter is 18 and I feel that although we have been through some incredibly dark days, we have not seen the worst.
I worry about future relationships and how she will cope and deal with them.

I will never be ok with the self harming.  I pin my hopes on the next lots of medication being the answer, but often its not.

I wish you strength and my compassion on your journey.  Someone must have the answers out there.   Breath deeply and look after yourself.

[jacinth]

Newbie,
I don't know if the second guessing ever totally stops because of the FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) that borderlines often use that manipulates and gaslights responsible, loving parents. I don't know if it's intentional on the part of BPD's or not, but it sure hurts. These sites help because you at least you are not alone in navigating these waters. I have a 37 year old daughter who manifested signed around 20 years old. It's been 17 difficult years, and now there are grandchildren involved. I have finally said there is no more coming home, but I have provided money - too much.  I am finally learning to set boundaries, so that I do self-care. Truthfully, none of my enabling has made things better. Another excellent site is parent emeritus, conduct disorders. People do respond often.