Worn down so that I can't identify when I am the one at fault.

[mssalty]

I used to pride myself on taking the other person's point of view and looking for reasons that they could have said, done, reacted the way they did.  Instead of looking for motives that were about them being mad, irritated, frustrated at me, I looked for the other possible scenarios. 

I've noticed after many years in a relationship with a person with BPD tendencies, I tend to think that others are always mad at me or have no use for me, or some other motive.  Comments they make, faces they make, things they do.   

I suspect part of this is fleas.  My SO reads into much of what I say or do, and even my minor annoyances become things that cannot be let go. So I'm both constantly on eggshells, AND ascribe bad motives to people who probably have none.   

I'm trying to recognize it and move forward.  But I still am frustrated that I"m this way.  Any advice? 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Letloverule]

Thanks for sharing and I'm sorry that you're feeling worn down. It probably feels like a tug of war because you have prided yourself in seeing behind others actions and other points of view.

Something that folks here have helped me think through is that our loved ones with BPD are truly ill. It's easy for me to overlay the behaviors I experience with my SOwBPD onto others that are not ill.
You didn't cause their illness and you do not control it either.

I hope that helps you to at least separate the situations.

In fact, when I interact with others that are non BPD, I'm left thinking "wow- that interaction was normal. if I said something similar to my wife- it would result in a volcanic rage.

[pearlsw]

You didn't cause their illness and you do not control it either.

Hi Letloverule and mssalty, thanks for these posts. I really appreciate this last sentence. I think I am going to repeat it to myself quite a lot today! I am wondering lately about the impact of my partner's illness on myself as well. It has taken a huge toll and I am still coming to terms with it and really... .sigh... .just looking for ways to keep myself happy and whole with all this going on around me.

My advice overall, if I am in any position to offer any, is to try to slow yourself down so you can go back to being yourself and having a clearer sense of what other's behavior really is instead of thinking everyone is mad at you or "ascribing bad motives to them". The slower we let things be the more time we have to think clearly and see more clearly. Meditation, even a small amount, helps with this because we train ourselves to see our thoughts (and therefore can be less attached to them) and to recognize the pain of others (and therefore can have more compassion). The good news is that I am sure you will be able to get back to a good place with yourself on this topic though! Just take it easy and forgive yourself and let yourself be you again. Time will make it better.

[waverider]

Insecurity and self doubt become normalised when your point of reference has been shifted by excessive exposure to invalidation

You are adapting to your environment, which is overly invalidating. Your "fleas" comment is not far off as it is this type of early childhood environment that could have triggered the BPD traits in your partner in the first place. The difference is you have a 'library" of normal experiences to fall back on.So it can be reversed

The only way to counter this is reestablish the balance by increasing the amount of contact with less judgemental people.

Its one thing to recognise the mechanics of it, but if we dont get a physical supply of validation we dont really feel it. Relying on self validation alone is not as solidifying