Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 01:39:16 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
84
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Need some advice...  (Read 496 times)
theexpendables

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 4


« on: August 14, 2017, 04:40:37 PM »

Hi.  My therapist recommended "Stop Walking on Eggshells" to help me better understand the volatile nature of my husband's ex-wife. Through the book, I found this website.

I've long suspected "B" was suffering from sort of mental illness, but only recently have I become convinced that it is BPD.  I've been raising BM's children for the past 7 years, when she signed them over to my husband.  BM remained in her home state, and we moved to the two children to my home state.  Long story short, my husband is from a different country and has no family here. My step-son is significantly impaired by autism, and we needed to have a solid support system.

Two years ago, BM moved to be closer to the kids.  She chose a place 40 minutes away, even though location was not an issue as she works from home.

For the past couple years, regular visitations have been erratic.  The only certain ones were school vacations and summer as specified in our Shared Parenting Plan.  The kids are almost 15 y/o.  My husband travels frequently, so I am the primary caretaker most of the time.  Since B moved here, her relationship with my stepdaughter, SD, has deteriorated.  SD has shown signs of PTSD for many years. She also has ADD and trichotillomania (she pulls her hair out). Her brother is on the lower-functioning range of autism, and cannot understand the seriousness of the situation.

Without maxing out my word count with 9 years of mental health background, I will just say that BM seems to be higher functioning.  She has periods of pleasantness and can seem to be extremely level-headed and friendly.  This tends to be short-lived, and the moment there is some form of disagreement, she usually flies off the rails.  From my understanding, BM had an abusive alcoholic father who died when she was in her teens.  BM's mother is extremely pious, even though she stood by and watched her children be abused.  Substance abuse in family is prevalent, and BM tested positive for cocaine at one point.  While perhaps less concerning, she is a self-proclaimed marijuana lover, and a heavy drinker.  She makes grand promises to her kids, and then doesn't follow through.  Doesn't buy clothing or concerned about grooming. 

Over the past 7 years, BM has not been involved in day to day functions of her children's lives.  She irregularly attends IEP meetings (she phoned in 1.  We've had 9 since they've lived with us), doctor apps, school functions, and other life occasions...   She calls sometimes once a week, sometimes every few days.  Forgets to call on first days of school and doesn't call until late night on birthdays.  SD is less than enthused by lack of involvement.  SD does love her mother but it frequently hurt by her behavior. Her mother is very quick to speak and can turn stories around to make it seem like SD was in the wrong.  SD is not perfect.  She is a 15 y/o girl, but she is not a bad kid.  She's very respectful and loving. 

Before summer, when SD would visit BM, BM would have episodes of happiness followed by episodes of depression.  BM would lock herself in her bedroom with SS while SD would not have any contact for the weekend.  BM would even take meals up to her bedroom.  She would tell SS not to talk to SD because she's mean.  BM threatened on multiple occasion to kill SD's cat. One night, SD was ill, and thought she had a fever.  BM locked her bedroom door and wouldn't respond to knocking.  Eventually, SD didn't want to go anymore. 

Husband and I threatened to get an attorney if BM wouldn't seek therapy.  After 7 years of saying she would go, she finally went to a family therapist.  Family therapist is first and foremost BM's therapist and not SD's. SD concerned that mother is manipulating and lying to therapist.

One day over summer, BM went off the rails and threw SS's tv down the stairs.  He was supposed to be in school (he attends special year-round school & BM didn't take him for 5 out of 10 days).  Had a different excuse each day. SD was scared of mother.  SS was in tears and sobbing.  I was out of town and so was my husband.  SD wanted my mom to pick her up.  BM told her if she went with my mom she'd "never see her again." BM had her family call SD and ask why SD was doing this to her mom.  Because of custody order, kids had to be a BM's house.  I called the family therapist and asked her to intervene.  Therapist tells SD it was inappropriate to call father when she scared of BM.  SD feels like therapist is unaware of mother's manipulations. BM continues passive-aggressive comments and behavior to SD.  Tells her if we go to court and she chooses her father she will never see her mother or her family again. Stepdaughter pleads to go home.  BM finally allows her to.  I take SD home, and BM tells her to give some papers to her "real mom" on the way out.

Once SD comes home, BM starts sending weird inspirational texts every day.  SD doesn't want to answer.  She will answer back occasionally.  BM tells SD she's taking SS to Disney for the weekend.  SD is not invited.  BM sends inspirational message with Mickey Mouse after SD has asked her to stop.  When SS finished out vacation and came to meet me, BM tried to talk to SD. SD is friendly, but doesn't want to be berated.

According to our plan, SD can receive therapy and doctor treatment while in custody of either parent.  Papers are supposed to be used as permission for consent.  I try to get SD in individual therapy immediately.  SD has no eyebrows left and is a nervous wreck. I take her to an introductory session, but they will go no further until BM signs off. BM refuses.  Says daughter already has a therapist.  Again, SD is in family therapy, not individual. BM has told SD on many occasions that they therapist is her's and not SD's. SD is even more upset with BM.   SD is 15 and lived with us for 7 years. We've never restricted visitation, however SD doesn't want to go see BM right now. BM accuses husband and me off parental alienation. I have years of email communication encouraging BM to get help or she is going to destroy relationship with SD.  SD is terrified of BM.  The other day SD says that BM is so mean to everyone because she's deeply depressed and can't cope.  SD is wise beyond her years.  BM told SD that she has to speak with her again tomorrow.  SD can't get a word in when talking and BM is very good at turning the tables.

I've talked to an attorney.  Since we have primary custody, and the visitation is already extremely limited, they don't know if we should start a modification.  They believe we would be successful (we have 7 years of evidence--including teachers who see terrible regression in SS upon return from BM's home), but it would be extremely costing and drawn out.  We do not get any financial support from BM, nor do we want any.  We just want her to get help.  We want her to have a good relationship with her daughter.  Right now, she is so unhinged, nothing is getting through.  She is out of control.  Naturally, as new wife, I have a contentious relationship.  In times of lucidity, she's told me she respects everything I've done and is eternally grateful.  Right now, she hates me.  She told SD I'm using SD as a pawn.  Refuses to communicate about children's wellbeing, even though husband is in different state.  Unfortunately, when my stepkids are crying because of their mom's behavior, I get sucked into the negativity battle.  I actually told BM that I think she has BPD.  She is furious.  I cannot rationally discuss anything with her. 

She says she will agree to let SD go to a different therapist. She says she refused this one bc I see a DR at the same office.  I will try to get her to a new one ASAP, but again, she refuses to speak to me, so I don't know how she will give consent or agree on a therapist.

I'm so worried for SD. She is supposed to go in 2 weeks. BM's mother will be in town.  I'm afraid they will wage psychological warfare on SD.  She doesn't want to go.  BM is threatening us.  I don't care.  We have evidence and testimony to back up 7 years of behavior on her part.  What do I do for SD?  How can I communicate with someone who sees me as the enemy? I gave up my career to take on 2 children with significant issues.  I'd do anything for them.  And even though I'm not perfect, and have made plenty of mistakes, I will always put the kids first. What can I do?
Logged
theexpendables

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 4


« Reply #1 on: August 14, 2017, 07:02:18 PM »

To add to my post (not sure how to edit), I'm not asking for legal help.  I know what my options are there.  I just want to help my SD.  I don't even know how to engage with the BM at this point.  I'm just so frustrated.  How can someone convince someone with BPD to get help?  Especially if they think they are 100% in the right? 
Logged
Klera
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 83



« Reply #2 on: August 14, 2017, 09:28:59 PM »

Hi theexpendables,

 I just wanted to say after reading your post, how sorry I feel for your stepkids!  My gosh.  My SD is 14 so it kind of hit me.  I wasn't sure if I was going to answer you, I'm usually busy asking for advice rather than offering it to others! But I will say this. As a step mum, my gut from hearing your story is that I would protect that girl as best as you and your H can and by that I would support her to not have to go see her mom if she doesn't want to. This mother does not sound the least bit interested in her kids unless it's to cause them harm with her drama.   The fact that BM 'threatens' SD, scares her, crying, sobbing, 'pleads to go home', it's obviously traumatizing her!  She's abusive and aggressive (throwing a tv?) This woman is seriously ill!  You can't control if she gets help or not (I wouldn't hold my breath if it's been 7 years already it's not uncommon for  them to never seek help) but you can protect those kids.   I wouldn't even bother with trying to engage with her to be honest.  Or if you absolutely have to it should be through a lawyer if it were up to me.    I've been told that kids will 'vote with their feet' eventually.  I would keep the girl far from this sick woman as possible.   I'd doubt she would be missed.   She's being threatened and with emotional blackmail at it's finest and her health is obviously suffering (pulling hair?).  As far as therapy, it's not uncommon for pw/BPD to dictate, manipulate and try to meddle with things like that.  I've heard directly from one psychologist that they don't like to take pw/BPD on because they can be so abusive, they can bring the therapist to tears.  Not kidding.    Where I live, the mediator or lawyer involved with negotiating the Parent Agreement between the parties offered a choice of about three therapists and my H and the ex (the kids mom pwBPD) had to mutually agree on the therapist first before sessions began.  Whomever needs to be familiar with BPD but also their mom has substance abuse problems on top? Not good! With your SS missing school, that is a major problem there.   She can't be trusted  to take care of him.  Period.  I do hope the best for you guys!  good luck 
Logged
theexpendables

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 4


« Reply #3 on: August 14, 2017, 10:08:54 PM »

Klera,
 Thank you for responding. It's helpful just to write my feelings on a forum where people understand what I'm talking about. When I try to convey to my friends the depth and severity of my situation, I think it sounds unbelievable. When my husband explained to me  The situation regarding his ex-wife, I truly thought he was being overdramatic. I now know that perhaps he was being too conservative.

Last year, when all of this started getting really bad, BM said SD would not have to go if she did not want to.  She didn't want her there if she don't want to be there. She seems to handle her problems like a preteen girl. Now because I have told her we are going to get lawyers involved, she is saying she has to go. My lawyer told me that I need to encourage SD to go, but I don't have to physically drag her to the car.

It's just such terrible situation. I hate getting drawn into the negativity. And I hate that I always end up engaging with her, even though I know better. I am not a confrontational person, but when it comes to these children, I will do anything for them.   I know you cannot reason with an irrational person. She is just so good. Every time, I think she's turning her self around, it all back fires. I was raised to believe that all people are inherently good. I cannot see the good in this woman. And I see the damage it's causing my kids. And there's nothing I can  do about it.  I know my SD  is finally seeing her mother's true character. Unfortunately, SS  Will need a lifetime of supervised care. He's not able to make decisions for himself, and will never be able to. It just sucks.

Thank you again for the response. I wish you the best of luck with everything. Being a stepparent confusion like a thankless job.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!