everyday feels like a fight to be okay- will this go away?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm tired. I'm tired of my heart fighting my head. My ex will not come back and I know this, and I KNOW it is for the best, but my heart misses her.

I'm mad. I'm sad. And I've been doing better- for the first two weeks, I didn't get out of bed, and now I go through the days and do other things, and sometimes I don't even think about her. But I still miss her. I probably even still love her. I'm exhausted by just trying to live my life.

I see people on these boards still having bad days thinking about their exes after a year and I'm terrified. I had a solid week of no bad days and I thought I was doing so well, and now this past week has been completely terrible, and its almost like my progress didn't happen.

I wish this never happened. I wish I didn't have to see my ex around campus. I wish I didn't have to watch her friends glare at me when I see them. I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to be so sad and wake up so anxious.

I am hurting so much and my body feels like it needs to cry, but I am so tired of crying. I don't want to cry anymore.

I'm sorry. I know this post is just a lot of complaining. I just don't really know where else to put these feelings. I don't know other people that would understand.

[sadboi]

I'm tired. I'm tired of my heart fighting my head. My ex will not come back and I know this, and I KNOW it is for the best, but my heart misses her.

I'm mad. I'm sad. And I've been doing better- for the first two weeks, I didn't get out of bed, and now I go through the days and do other things, and sometimes I don't even think about her. But I still miss her. I probably even still love her. I'm exhausted by just trying to live my life.

I see people on these boards still having bad days thinking about their exes after a year and I'm terrified. I had a solid week of no bad days and I thought I was doing so well, and now this past week has been completely terrible, and its almost like my progress didn't happen.

I wish this never happened. I wish I didn't have to see my ex around campus. I wish I didn't have to watch her friends glare at me when I see them. I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to be so sad and wake up so anxious.

I am hurting so much and my body feels like it needs to cry, but I am so tired of crying. I don't want to cry anymore.

I'm sorry. I know this post is just a lot of complaining. I just don't really know where else to put these feelings. I don't know other people that would understand.

[Angel3287]

Sorry it's been so hard for you and I can totally relate to the roller coaster ride you are on right now. What's gonna help is reassuring yourself that the extreme emotions and the moments of peace are normal and will come in waves for awhile.

I think it feels discouraging when you feel like you've finally had an hour, a minute or a second of peace and then you are in full rage mode or extremely depressed again. That's normal and something to embrace. If you don't ride the waves of grieving and recovery, you will stretch out the amount of time it will take you to heal from this break up.

For now, try to remove anything which triggers emotions attached to your ex - good AND bad. Do something self-empowering and nurturing for yourself, even if that is forcing yourself to take a shower. You're going to have to force yourself through life a bit in the coming weeks and you will regain your strength by doing so.

And I know it's one thing to read it on a message board and another to put it into practice, but even if you HATE the idea of doing anything but lying in your bed, then push yourself twice as hard to do it anyways. You'll push through -- don't worry.

[confusedbloke]

I went to the doctors and they have put me on 100mg sertraline. And tbh they Are working. I'm starting to see the dynamics of my past relationship... a little weird to get used to at first but they kind of feel like you are drunk but not drunk. They just allow you to calm and with the right words of encouragement, hopefully get passed an awful situation.

Hope you feel better soon. We are all in it together. You're not on your own

[LoveLostHeart]

Sadboi,

You described exactly how I feel at this moment. If you ever feel the need to vent your feelings I invite you to contact me with a private message. Maybe we can help each other out.

[SWLSR]

sadboi

The truth is, it will never fully go away.  This is wound you will have forever.  The reason why for me is because I gave so much trust and so much love and I was burned so badly.  The pain though will subside there will be parts of days you do not think about, but after six plus years I can say I have never been through a day when I don't think about it.  Other events will happen that you will find more pressing at the moment, and you will tend to them.  You will learn to trust others again but there will always be some skeptism because if it.  I suggest lots of support you can not do this alone, and quiet times.  Reading helps both about yourself and this awful BPD thing that has us here.  The next year is not going to be fun or easy but going through is how to heal

[Fie]

Hi Sadboi 


I am so sorry for what you are going through. Like a lot of people here, I can relate. I know how hard and *terrible* it is.

It will get better though. It already did. At first you were lying in your bed the whole time.  Recovery is not a linear process. Sometimes it's going forward, then a little step backwards; etc. Allow yourself the steps backwards too, because they just will be there sometimes.

And sometimes they won't ! Allow yourself to celebrate those moments, even if it's just a few minutes, that you feel better.

I suggest to you the book 'the journey from abandonment to healing'. A lot of what I read rang true to me and I felt less abnormal upon reading why I felt the way I felt.

The truth is, it will never fully go away.

This was not true for me. As horrible as I felt then, I feel great now. I have spent a lot of time since looking *why* I fell for somebody with such huge behavioral problems. Maybe you can do the same once you feel a bit more human again.

It will get better, I promise. Hang in there and keep posting. A lot of people here are listening.

xx

[vanx]

I just wanted to say that reading about your experience, though I am very sorry you don't feel so hot, is helpful for me still struggling with the pain. So though it may feel like complaining, keep in mind your honesty can actually be very validating to others. Hang in there.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi sadboi,

You've had some great replies here and I hope you are feeling some relief that what you are going through is normal.  Try not to beat yourself up if you take a backwards step.  It happens to us all.  Over time they occur less and less until you find yourself on a straight run.  Others have walked this path before us and are living happy and fulfilling lives now. 

What you are experiencing by seeing her around can be viewed two ways.  In one respect, yes it's incredibly hard (I know.  I bumped into my ex yesterday and I felt nothing at all for him, yet I once struggled as you do), however there is also the fact that in not hiding from the reality, your mind and heart can learn to deal with it all the better.  It's a bit like 'flooding', which is a phobia treatment that involves facing your worst fears head on.  We often talk about NC here and proclaim it to be the answer to everything.  It can have a downside in that some things are not always dealt with, merely shelved.  That day can always arrive where paths could cross and we're back to the starting line potentially unless we've truly worked through the detaching, grieving and healing process fully.  So in some ways, seeing her about could make you more able to handle things further down the line.  We can't argue with the hand we're dealt, merely accept it and allow the cards to fall where they will.

I'm thrilled to hear that despite having a bit of a stumble on this bumpy road you've otherwise been doing better and getting out doing things.  This is great progress and do congratulate yourself for every little improvement.  Take the time to feel good about what you're achieving.  This is hard.  There are no two ways about it.  So notice and appreciate yourself when you are moving ahead.  It does get better from here and you can do this. 

So though it may feel like complaining, keep in mind your honesty can actually be very validating to others. Hang in there.

   

vanx makes a very good point here.  It's always helpful to others when you share here, so let those feelings out as much as you need to.  It's what we're here for.

Head up young person.  You're on the right track.

Love and light x

[dazedheart]

I suggest to you the book 'the journey from abandonment to healing'. A lot of what I read rang true to me and I felt less abnormal upon reading why I felt the way I felt.

  I appreciate the book suggestion, I just purchased it on my kindle.  I also appreciate this thread, sadboi, we all have feelings like yours!  It is definitely helpful to read your post and know that we are not alone!

[sadboi]

thank you to all of you who have replied.

once again, I was doing better today, and then I was suddenly hit with an immense wave of sadness. i am exhausted by all of this. i am fighting not to cry as I write this.

I just don't want to be sad anymore. I know that's a futile thing to say, but it's true. And knowing that I'm so sad over someone who is currently in the idealization phase with someone else, who isn't sad over me, only makes it worse.

but thank you all so much for the support, stories, and validation.

[Angel3287]

thank you to all of you who have replied.

once again, I was doing better today, and then I was suddenly hit with an immense wave of sadness. i am exhausted by all of this. i am fighting not to cry as I write this.

I just don't want to be sad anymore. I know that's a futile thing to say, but it's true. And knowing that I'm so sad over someone who is currently in the idealization phase with someone else, who isn't sad over me, only makes it worse.

but thank you all so much for the support, stories, and validation.

Oh, man - We've all been there and if you feel like crying, then I'd say do it. Don't feel bad for feeling sad or anything else. You've been through a lot and you owe it to yourself to process it and let out all the emotions you carry with it.

I, too, had a hard time coping with the idea that there might be another person or persons who were being idealized before and post break up with my ex. Either way, the new person is just a new toy to create distance between the two of you and get a new hit of whatever it is. Those who suffer from BPD are essentially love addicts who need the "feeling", the "rush" of it to keep them feeling alive and good. And that would also explain why many also are substance abusers - they are all self-destrutive ways of coping with their emptiness.

While it's very tragic, of course, it's also TERRIBLE for those of us who were their drug of choice at one point. This is very black and white, and I'm not saying that our ex's never loved us, but I'm saying that it was very much about the "rush" of it all because only that high can mask their pain... .a high which never really every lasts long enough.

If you feel like s***, then good. Feel it and hold onto the thought that this is not forever -- "this too shall pass."

[flamingspiral]

You are not alone. I'm in a similar boat. I think this is where rationality is key. Life is long, and this is not the last love you'll have.

Having mantras in my phone that I wrote when my head is clear is a massive help when I'm suffocating in despair. Being able to read to myself what I wrote to myself from a better place reminds me that I am capable of forward momentum and turing pain into wisdom when I get stuck in the muck.

I've personally been thinking about trying an anti-obsessional med just to help me snap out of the loop. Waking up every day, reloading the program, despairing over the what-ifs and shoulda-woulda's: its draining, and should be at least used to gain insight on how to avoid/handle future situations. Time really does heal. Keep at it, view it as evidence that something that feels this great can happen in your life, and will again. Next time you'll just be more cautious of the signs. I know I should have been. Pain is a great teacher.

[Freeatlast_1]

 I'm another one that is in the same boat. I have not spoken to her in a week. We broke up last week. Of course we break up every week, because it is a roller coaster however I think this one is it. She is demanding that we go to therapy as a couple,  and I'm not open to that since I really truly believe that her trauma, PTSD, and distortions are the biggest problem. Anyways, some mornings I feel extremely anxious, my heart races when I wake up, thought of her immediately come to my mind, I have to consciously remove the thoughts from my mind. What I have found very helpful is that I have come up with a technique  where I record myself on my iPhone recorder when I'm very strong. So for example, if I find myself in a very happy bubbly day, I record about 3 to 5 minutes of my state of mind how I'm feeling, how I'm feeling about her, my anxiety level, what my plans are . Then when I'm down, anxious, and weak, I listen to these voice notes and realize that just a few days ago I was strong and I didn't care that she was with anyone else and I felt on top of the world. If I did that then I can do it now, after all I am the same person. Those voice notes helped me a lot. I also have -ones that I recorded when I was very down and sad,   The tone of my voice was very low and sad, and when I listen to them later, I felt really sorry for myself. In fact I didn't like that person on the other side, I wasn't very proud of him.  So when you have voice notes of you extremely happy and high on life, and other ones when you're very sad and low you will see the difference of your energy level. You will be your own therapist and your best friend. Now I don't have anything against therapists and if you can have a therapist to vent to that would be fantastic in fact I have a therapist that I like to vent to once a week. But the best therapy is  self work, journaling, in my case voice notes. It really gives you insight on yourself, your thought process, and how you're feeling. After all you've neglected  that for so many years it's about time that you get to know who you are and how you feel and how to cater to it. I never really looked at myself the way I look at myself now that I'm hearing myself on the voice recorder.  It's really amazing. Anyways I'm struggling as well, living day by day, we'll see how it goes.

[sadboi]

Freeatlast,

I appreciate everything you said in your reply, and I usually try to remember moments of feeling strong when I am very sad. sometimes it is helpful, and sometimes it isn't.

however I think this one is it. She is demanding that we go to therapy as a couple,  and I'm not open to that since I really truly believe that her trauma, PTSD, and distortions are the biggest problem.

It is not my position to question your decisions, and if this being the official end is what is best for you then i fully support you. But do you want to be done with your ex because it is whats best, or are you just that against going to therapy? Even if your ex suffers from all of those things, going to therapy with them wouldn't necessarily be bad. You could learn how to better support her through her trauma and PTSD, and then have moderated discussions about her distortions.

I only comment on this, because since my ex broke up with me and people have asked if I'd ever get back with her, I have said only if we went to therapy together.

However, as I said, if you feel like being out of the relationship is what is best for you and is the decision you want, then you are definitely moving in the right suggestion.

Thank you for the suggestion of recording myself when I feel good, I will try it when I am feeling better.