Escaped from 22 years of Hell, but...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hey there,
The morning after my wedding 22.5 years ago, I was introduced to a woman I had never met before and the girl I asked to marry me was never to be seen again----with the exception of cameo appearances over the next 2 plus decades.
I could not take another day where EVERYTHING without exception was all my fault because she had already fixed everything and the only reason she stayed with me was because of her therapist that she occasionally saw.
Yet even now, just over a year later, I vacillate and can be consumed with guilt and self doubt and wonder if maybe, maybe, maybe it really was all me.
I am on my 6th reading of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" (I hate the title BTW). It is quite literally the story of my life.
But I can't stop wondering if maybe I'm SO crazy that I've created this narrative in my head--and even brain-washed my 19 and 21 year old to think that I was actually a pretty good dad and husband.

Does it ever end? If I remarry into a healthy loving relationship will the guilt and self-doubt ever go away?

[escapedalive]

Hey there,
The morning after my wedding 22.5 years ago, I was introduced to a woman I had never met before and the girl I asked to marry me was never to be seen again----with the exception of cameo appearances over the next 2 plus decades.
I could not take another day where EVERYTHING without exception was all my fault because she had already fixed everything and the only reason she stayed with me was because of her therapist that she occasionally saw.
Yet even now, just over a year later, I vacillate and can be consumed with guilt and self doubt and wonder if maybe, maybe, maybe it really was all me.
I am on my 6th reading of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" (I hate the title BTW). It is quite literally the story of my life.
But I can't stop wondering if maybe I'm SO crazy that I've created this narrative in my head--and even brain-washed my 19 and 21 year old to think that I was actually a pretty good dad and husband.

Does it ever end? If I remarry into a healthy loving relationship will the guilt and self-doubt ever go away?

[JaxDK]

From what I've read and listened to, coming out of a long term relationship with a cluster b personality, getting therapy can help and in some cases absolutely necessary. It might not be a bad idea to consider. You have been through a lot, and the effects of such a relationship can be long lasting. For some even lifetime without help. Specially if you subjugated to gaslighting over a long extended period.

You have to remember, you did play a part in the relationships dysfunction, all of us have. But it's only a part. You should never allow yourself to take responsibility for her part.

I can't tell you if it will last. I know for me it won't, I'm already far in recovery. Then again my relationship only lasted 2 1/2 years.