Read over the texts that allegedly got me the protection order and it was not me

[Idsrvt2]

I just need to vent... .today for the first time in about five months I read them again... .they were all reactions to the phone call I had with him... .yes I reacted and that part I will own... .

But what makes me mad is the judge that granted him the order certainly didn't look at the texts because in a few I said I had police on the ready if he came near my house delivering the mail... .this was in response to him saying he was telling his cop family member ... .

Nothing was overly mean it was me just expressing my hurt and anger ... .in one he even said he was going to just let me be and he still felt for me.
Yes I did say I was contacting his job , who wouldn't

So what I am still stuck in today is why... .why get the order ... .why still be in my route so I can't move on?

If he won't even speak with me and handle mail correctly ... .
I'm on LC with him now ... .
This is probably why he can't even speak to me... .he's a coward
Do I feel better knowing this? No I don't.

I have health issues that are now out of remission ... .I feel alone and depressed ... .he's been off for four days counting weekends a very nice break for me... .today I won't be home ... .I won't see him walk by and ignore me where the other guy is now overly nice ... .

How does one possibly move on , when the BPD is outside their door daily? 
And no wonder he wanted the orders dropped ... .he had no grounds to begin with ... .I was even told by three women the judge is corrupt. And no one knows how he even got one.   Because I texted too much and msg his mom?   
And in the one text he said he feared me and never felt comfortable around me... .yet was kissing all over me

I feel lost, hurt, and so much more ... .it's like he may want me to just break down but then again I've heard he's not doing well either ... .and has even called out sick.

Ugh.  Thanks for listening  I have to get ready for my dr appt