Am I Being Discarded Even Though I Left?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I read another post that is about this topic as well. I didn't want to take over that thread so I'm starting a new one for me. I hope that's okay.

I'm a non (officially diagnosed with PTSD). I left my ex who seems like an un-diagnosed BPD / NPD per several therapists. It's been a few years since the divorce and I am wondering if he's now discarding me.

I realized he was emotionally abusive per several therapists including marriage counselors who saw us both. At this time I also realized (per the counselors) that I had PTSD from years of abusive relationships before him. By the time I realized how bad his abuse was, I felt it was too late to save our marriage. I didn't even like him as a person anymore. We tried several different things to try to establish an emotional connection but it just wasn't there. I suspect it never really was there to begin with. The abusive behavior also got worse. We had been together for close to twenty years. I was done. So I divorced him. The years it took to divorce him was one of the most hellish times in my life.

He was also convinced I had NPD and that he was a victim. He wanted me to stay so he could "help" me and "fix" me. Yet he would admit to intentionally pushing my buttons so I'd lose it (he felt I just needed to get it out) and then he'd tell me I'm unstable. Then when I wouldn't emotionally react to what seemed like manipulation, he claimed I was emotionally unavailable and incapable of feeling anything. I've been down this road with my therapist many times and she keeps telling me I'm definitely not NPD. I have a more healthy level of narcissism which is what he probably is seeing and doesn't realize is a good thing. I learned a LOT about NPD at this time and am still learning about BPD.

During this time, I found out he had profiles on dating sites years before I had filed for divorce. I stumbled across them (long story) and asked him about them. He actually admitted they were his. He also told me he still had feelings for one of his ex-girlfriends from over twenty years ago. Yet he wanted to stay married to me and didn't seem to understand why I felt this was a good sign we shouldn't be married anymore. I suspect he wanted me to be jealous. The online dating stuff and his feelings for his ex didn't really bother me when I found out. I was more shocked than anything because he always seemed to profess his "sainthood" (self-righteousness). He still thinks he's a saint and comes across as extremely self-righteous every chance he gets, it seems. He's even flat out written to me that he's a much better person than I am for a variety of reasons. And then he'll list all of my "faults".

At times during the divorce it seemed he was in denial about the divorce. Even though we were physically separated (he moved out), he would get angry and then act really hurt when I did stuff with the kids and didn't invite him along. He would find excuses to drop by unannounced which I found very annoying. He would either rage at me in front of the kids or cling to the kids as if his life depended on it telling them he was the one trying to keep the family together, not break it apart like me. He even tried to convince the judge to force me into marriage counseling and that I was emotionally unstable. He didn't have any proof of my mental state. His claims were half-truths, distortions, and some flat out lies. Thankfully the judge didn't buy into it. At the time I was shocked he would try to trap me into a marriage I didn't want to be in. It opened my eyes to who he really was and I didn't like what I saw one bit. I couldn't get divorced fast enough.

It's now been a few years since the divorce. I think he may be discarding me now even though I'm the one who left the marriage as fast as I could. When we're both at school functions for the kids, he either leaves (storms out of) the classroom or deliberately turns his back on me every single time. It seems pretty obvious to me and some other people who have commented on it to me. Then an hour or so after the event, he'll send me pictures of the kids at the event and get upset when I don't thank him for the pictures. I never asked him for pictures. I don't feel I owe him a thanks or anything like that especially considering his treatment of me. I've also learned the hard way to not reply to anything he sends me unless it's absolutely necessary.

He also refuses to use my name unless it's part of an insult (he gives me middle names like "the bi**h" or "the wh*re" as well as using my maiden name. I kept my married name because I wanted to have the same last name as my kids and it's been my name for the last twenty years. He even tried to get the kids to use my maiden name. I just tell them I kept my last name so it would match theirs. They seem to understand and leave it at that.

He's even photoshopped me out of pictures and posted them online. I heard about this from other people since I blocked him on all social media. He's given our daughter any pictures of us or me that he's found. He destroyed the brand new computer printer I left for him - I thought he needed it more than I did. He threw his wedding ring into the trash in front of me. He shredded a shirt I had given him right in front of me with his hands, saying he was capable of much more. He replaced his entire wardrobe even though he claims he can't afford it. When I bought a new car to replace mine that had been totaled after the divorce, he bought a new car identical to my new one (even the color) trading in his car that was only a couple of years old. I don't know if this is normal behavior or not. Sometimes it seems like a systematic removal of me from history or even as a person or something.

Overall, given what I know about him and his history, I believe I triggered him in a very big way when I filed for divorce and he hasn't recovered (not sure if that's the right word). I suspect he has really bad abandonment issues and uses me as a convenient scapegoat to make himself feel better. I believe I've finally come to the conclusion that I will never have true closure from the divorce and am working on moving on from that. He may never get the closure he wants either. That's another long story.

Right now I think I'm trying to better understand (even label) his behavior so I know what it is he's probably doing and if it's part of the BPD or even NPD. Doing this helps with my anger and confusion. If I can point to something and say "oh that's gaslighting", then I have an easier time letting it go and moving on. It also helps me to see if I'm doing the same thing and if my behavior/reaction is healthy or not. I think his hot and cold behaviors are part of BPD. So now I'm also trying to figure out if he is invalidating me as a person and/or discarding me or even removing me from history or something.

The fact I'm writing about all of this here tells me it's probably triggered me at least somewhat but I'm not quite sure why yet.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I read another post that is about this topic as well. I didn't want to take over that thread so I'm starting a new one for me. I hope that's okay.

I'm a non (officially diagnosed with PTSD). I left my ex who seems like an un-diagnosed BPD / NPD per several therapists. It's been a few years since the divorce and I am wondering if he's now discarding me.

I realized he was emotionally abusive per several therapists including marriage counselors who saw us both. At this time I also realized (per the counselors) that I had PTSD from years of abusive relationships before him. By the time I realized how bad his abuse was, I felt it was too late to save our marriage. I didn't even like him as a person anymore. We tried several different things to try to establish an emotional connection but it just wasn't there. I suspect it never really was there to begin with. The abusive behavior also got worse. We had been together for close to twenty years. I was done. So I divorced him. The years it took to divorce him was one of the most hellish times in my life.

He was also convinced I had NPD and that he was a victim. He wanted me to stay so he could "help" me and "fix" me. Yet he would admit to intentionally pushing my buttons so I'd lose it (he felt I just needed to get it out) and then he'd tell me I'm unstable. Then when I wouldn't emotionally react to what seemed like manipulation, he claimed I was emotionally unavailable and incapable of feeling anything. I've been down this road with my therapist many times and she keeps telling me I'm definitely not NPD. I have a more healthy level of narcissism which is what he probably is seeing and doesn't realize is a good thing. I learned a LOT about NPD at this time and am still learning about BPD.

During this time, I found out he had profiles on dating sites years before I had filed for divorce. I stumbled across them (long story) and asked him about them. He actually admitted they were his. He also told me he still had feelings for one of his ex-girlfriends from over twenty years ago. Yet he wanted to stay married to me and didn't seem to understand why I felt this was a good sign we shouldn't be married anymore. I suspect he wanted me to be jealous. The online dating stuff and his feelings for his ex didn't really bother me when I found out. I was more shocked than anything because he always seemed to profess his "sainthood" (self-righteousness). He still thinks he's a saint and comes across as extremely self-righteous every chance he gets, it seems. He's even flat out written to me that he's a much better person than I am for a variety of reasons. And then he'll list all of my "faults".

At times during the divorce it seemed he was in denial about the divorce. Even though we were physically separated (he moved out), he would get angry and then act really hurt when I did stuff with the kids and didn't invite him along. He would find excuses to drop by unannounced which I found very annoying. He would either rage at me in front of the kids or cling to the kids as if his life depended on it telling them he was the one trying to keep the family together, not break it apart like me. He even tried to convince the judge to force me into marriage counseling and that I was emotionally unstable. He didn't have any proof of my mental state. His claims were half-truths, distortions, and some flat out lies. Thankfully the judge didn't buy into it. At the time I was shocked he would try to trap me into a marriage I didn't want to be in. It opened my eyes to who he really was and I didn't like what I saw one bit. I couldn't get divorced fast enough.

It's now been a few years since the divorce. I think he may be discarding me now even though I'm the one who left the marriage as fast as I could. When we're both at school functions for the kids, he either leaves (storms out of) the classroom or deliberately turns his back on me every single time. It seems pretty obvious to me and some other people who have commented on it to me. Then an hour or so after the event, he'll send me pictures of the kids at the event and get upset when I don't thank him for the pictures. I never asked him for pictures. I don't feel I owe him a thanks or anything like that especially considering his treatment of me. I've also learned the hard way to not reply to anything he sends me unless it's absolutely necessary.

He also refuses to use my name unless it's part of an insult (he gives me middle names like "the bi**h" or "the wh*re" as well as using my maiden name. I kept my married name because I wanted to have the same last name as my kids and it's been my name for the last twenty years. He even tried to get the kids to use my maiden name. I just tell them I kept my last name so it would match theirs. They seem to understand and leave it at that.

He's even photoshopped me out of pictures and posted them online. I heard about this from other people since I blocked him on all social media. He's given our daughter any pictures of us or me that he's found. He destroyed the brand new computer printer I left for him - I thought he needed it more than I did. He threw his wedding ring into the trash in front of me. He shredded a shirt I had given him right in front of me with his hands, saying he was capable of much more. He replaced his entire wardrobe even though he claims he can't afford it. When I bought a new car to replace mine that had been totaled after the divorce, he bought a new car identical to my new one (even the color) trading in his car that was only a couple of years old. I don't know if this is normal behavior or not. Sometimes it seems like a systematic removal of me from history or even as a person or something.

Overall, given what I know about him and his history, I believe I triggered him in a very big way when I filed for divorce and he hasn't recovered (not sure if that's the right word). I suspect he has really bad abandonment issues and uses me as a convenient scapegoat to make himself feel better. I believe I've finally come to the conclusion that I will never have true closure from the divorce and am working on moving on from that. He may never get the closure he wants either. That's another long story.

Right now I think I'm trying to better understand (even label) his behavior so I know what it is he's probably doing and if it's part of the BPD or even NPD. Doing this helps with my anger and confusion. If I can point to something and say "oh that's gaslighting", then I have an easier time letting it go and moving on. It also helps me to see if I'm doing the same thing and if my behavior/reaction is healthy or not. I think his hot and cold behaviors are part of BPD. So now I'm also trying to figure out if he is invalidating me as a person and/or discarding me or even removing me from history or something.

The fact I'm writing about all of this here tells me it's probably triggered me at least somewhat but I'm not quite sure why yet.

[takingandsending]

Hello I_Am_The_Fire.

Sounds like you have been through the wringer, as many of us have. Also seems like you did a courageous and wise thing by ending your marriage. Are you concerned that your xh's behaviors are causing any alienation between you and your children?

If you look at some of the posts on the Detaching, Learning from the Wounds of a Failed Relationship board, you will see stories of similar behaviors as your xh - basically ghosting or rewriting a partner out of their life. I am not certain exactly why this is a common behavior for pwBPD/NPD, but I have a hunch it may relate to the feelings=facts way that they experience their world. If your xh feels pain, sadness, grief when he thinks of you, then that pain becomes the facts of his experience, i.e. you are the cause of the pain, sadness and grief in his life. So, he takes punitive measures to remedy that pain, none of which will work because he won't accept his feelings but continue to project them out on to whatever target he can. It is a very primitive way to go through life when you can look at it with that perspective, and for me, occasionally helps me to feel some sympathy for my xw.

I would find the things that you are experiencing hurtful, but as with so much of my experience with my uBPDxw, I would also guard myself from taking it personally, since I know her behaviors are acted from that hurt 2-3 year old place. What do you feel when he turns his back on you at jointly attended events or pretends that you don't exist? I have heard that sometimes things slightly improve a couple years after the divorce, but if you guys are going on 3 years after divorce, it likely isn't going to get a whole lot better, which is a shame. How do you think you can protect yourself from being harmed by his behaviors, since they are not likely to change?

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Thank you for replying. When I first filed for divorce, his behaviors were definitely working to alienate our oldest against me.  She was 10 at the time. She started to blame me for the divorce, told me I was a horrible person that was tearing the family apart, she hated me, her dad was trying to save our marriage and I wasn't, etc. She was saying almost verbatim the things he told me directly. It was awful. Despite all that, I refused to say anything bad about him to her. Since then, she seems to feel much differently. Sadly, she tells me she doesn't believe pretty much anything he tells her anymore. She's caught him in several lies and other things. He doesn't follow through with promises he made to her either. She's noticed a lot of his bad behaviors now that we're divorced and I don't manage his emotions anymore. She has a good children's therapist who is also helping her. From what she tells me, he still tries to alienate (my word, not hers) her against me. He tells her I'm a liar, I have no morals, etc. She tells me she doesn't believe him because she knows me and sees how I treat her and people around me much differently than he does. We also had a good generic discussion about what morals are and such.

What you said about why you think those with pwBPD/NPD, really makes sense. I'm getting much better at not taking the things he does and says personally. When he turns his back on me or storms out of the room, I generally feel a bit confused at first (like "That was weird. Why did he do that?" and then I feel more of a "Whatever. That's not my problem." I'm also coming to the realization and acceptance that it's very likely he will not change.

Per my therapist's suggestion, I'm doing calming, breathing, grounding exercises before I have to be at the same school functions as him. So far it's working great! I have hardly any anxiety anymore when he's around. I'm also focusing more on the kids during these functions so that helps a lot too. The kids really do notice these things.

[takingandsending]

Per my therapist's suggestion, I'm doing calming, breathing, grounding exercises before I have to be at the same school functions as him. So far it's working great! I have hardly any anxiety anymore when he's around. I'm also focusing more on the kids during these functions so that helps a lot too. The kids really do notice these things.

I am so happy that you are finding some peace and a way to step out of the drama. And as awful and hard as your daughter's alienation must have been, it's maybe that much more wonderful to see her recognize the lies and distortions from her dad now. You did the right things by not parentifying or fighting back.

I don't know that we will ever understand the motivations of the pwBPD's behaviors in our lives, but we can identify the behavioral patterns and not react (so much) to them. That, in itself, is a relief. I am just about a year into the divorce process, and I am still doing the awkward dance with my xw at kids' events. I stay focused on my kids, too, and it really does make all the difference.