Does it ever bother you how they "see" you?

[Jessica84]

Curious how other people deal with the steady drip of invalidation and accusations from their BPD partners. My bf will accuse me of:

* Being passive aggressive = accidentally forgetting something or being late due to traffic
* Hating his guts = disagreeing with him
* Pouting = refusing to have a beyond stupid argument
* Jealous = saying any thing about any woman, good or bad
* Using my phone as a "weapon" = missing his call, not responding fast enough to a text
* Looking for trouble = he'll take something I said completely out of context

I want to be seen/heard/understood for who I really am---just like he does. This isn't all the time or all at once. I mean, why would he want to be with a hateful, troublemaking, pouting, jealous psycho who uses her phone as a weapon? I know I can't change his perceptions, but it's very frustrating.

Recently, I was accused of being "jealous" of a mannequin because I didn't like the dress it was wearing. Yes... .IT! I'm also jealous of dead people, relatives, movie stars, co-workers, basically anyone female, even if they're made of styrofoam! Even if I compliment a woman, I'm jealous. But if I compliment a man, obviously I want to "marry" him. If I leave the room when he starts to argue... .I'm "pouting". I'm using my phone as a "weapon" if I accidentally leave it on silent and miss his call.

I will usually validate him and let him have his "truth". But it gets old and I get tired of the same old accusations. How do you deal with being seen like this, so far from reality? Just... .let it go? Let them see you as a monster?

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[BowlOfPetunias]

I want to be seen/heard/understood for who I really am---just like he does.

Except that BPDs don't want to be seen for who they really are--that is one of their greatest fears.  If you see the "real" person, they fear you will abandon them.  Also see the chameleon effect of BPDs changing their identities to be liked.  New relationship = feigned interests so that the new person will really like them--except it is not really them, so the new person likes a fake person.  And then they resent having to pretend.

[isilme]

Yes. it hurts to feel he thinks I am some sort of horrible cheating whore who wants to hurt him by forgetting A1 sauces on purpose and then ignoring his 50 frantic calls that never actually came to my phone because of the metal lining in my office building. 

I will usually validate him and let him have his "truth". But it gets old and I get tired of the same old accusations. How do you deal with being seen like this, so far from reality? Just... .let it go? Let them see you as a monster?

Don't validate the invalid.

We validate how they FEEL - not agree that it is true.  It does not help protect YOU to agree that you are a horrible person to pacify your husband. 

He is telling you his FEELINGS which to him are his truth, but that does not make them truth.  And since his feelings change minute to minute, based on external and internal stimuli, truth can flip and flop all over the places.  I am sure when he idealizes you, he's great, but when he paints you black, you are the worst person in the world.

Sadly, our own personal validation has to come from more than just our relationship.  Do you have coworkers?  Family?  Friends?  How are you regarded by these other people?  How do you regard yourself?  Because our SOs have issues with being a "real person", WE have to provide our own consistency. 

Validation of his FEELINGS can be like, "I know it can feel frustrating to call someone and not get an immediate answer." 

* Being passive aggressive = accidentally forgetting something or being late due to traffic
this is probably a lot about poor executive control and dysregulated emotions about having to do something he doesn't want to really do, and doesn't want to plan ahead for.  It's easier in his mind to simply avoid it or be late where he can demonstrate his disdain for it but have a plausible excuse "traffic"
* Hating his guts = disagreeing with him
Any disagreement can be felt by a pwBPD as invalidation.  Invalidation to them is telling them they are wrong, and if they are wrong, then you must not see them as perfect - shame and poor self-image issue ensue - you are going to abandon him!  This can be tricky, to learn ways to validate how he FEELS about something, but still have your own open feelings and opinions.  SET and DEARMAN are tools people mention on here to use to communicate truths when you simply can't validate the invalid.
* Pouting = refusing to have a beyond stupid argument
See above - you are refusing to play the game his emotions want - I think in order to process bad emotions, pwBPD like to pick fights for a few reasons:
1 - They can't internally process it, and need to yell at a person they have accepted in their bubble, a person allowed to see Mr. Hyde and not just Dr. Jekyll
2 - It can't be their fault or responsibility, how they feel - picking a fight allows them to ret-con it all int your fault, even if the order of events doesn't make sense

* Jealous = saying any thing about any woman, good or bad
How does he react when you talk about men?  How does he talk about women? This sounds like a lot of projecting to me - he assumes you have the exact same feelings, and can't conceive you may not be as insecure as he is
* Using my phone as a "weapon" = missing his call, not responding fast enough to a text
Invaldiating by him feeling abandoned and less than the most important person ever
* Looking for trouble = he'll take something I said completely out of context
he's either looking to pick a fight, see above, or he simply can't wait to actually get to what you are trying to communicate.  I get this one a lot - I get interrupted mid-sentence, and yelled at for something I did not even say, as he prevented me from completing my statement.  I try to calm the storm, let him speak, and then if even possbile, clarify, finally, or just give up if it wasn't that important.

[lostandconfused6]

Those are all things i have been struggling a lot with lately i actually made a post about it today on the conflicted board. It hurts when he says the things he says sometimes he will go back and say you know i don't really think that way about you i know how amazing you are, then i'm more confused because which one is the truth? Lately it seems he paints me black and views me negatively every other day and for lack of a better term it sucks. I feel like we came so far and now we are back peddling... .

No matter what or says he does everything bad is my fault between us and sometimes i really can't see at all where the fights comes from and it leaves me in the biggest fog. I am not a dumb girl and i pride myself on having a really good balance of book smarts and common sense but the last few weeks he has just been so stuck in this crap mood nothing gets better no matter how many tools i use... .I got screamed at the other day for relaying information that he had me ask my friend that's an attorney because it wasn't what "he wanted to hear" and last night i got yelled at and called names because i had a disagreement with my family it gave him the perfect opportunity to belittle and call me names then got mad at me for saying "thank you for being there for me" (i shouldn't have said that but i couldn't take it anymore) and said how dare i make him feel bad when he has a test tomorrow... .

He tells me he's changed how he is and doesn't do the same things he did for his exs because it never worked out idk how many times i can say i'm not them and i don't take things for granted and i don't treat you like a door mat but he is convinced if he does anything i ask of him i will turn into them

[Wanttounderstand]

I LOVED reading this reply:

Don't validate the invalid.

We validate how they FEEL - not agree that it is true.  It does not help protect YOU to agree that you are a horrible person to pacify your husband. 

He is telling you his FEELINGS which to him are his truth, but that does not make them truth.  And since his feelings change minute to minute, based on external and internal stimuli, truth can flip and flop all over the places. 

Sadly, our own personal validation has to come from more than just our relationship.  Do you have coworkers?  Family?  Friends?  How are you regarded by these other people?  How do you regard yourself?  Because our SOs have issues with being a "real person", WE have to provide our own consistency.

If I didn't have my husband, friends, and 20 photo albums of my daughter growing up I would seriously question her whole childhood.

[Jessica84]

Thank you all. So helpful. I can relate to everything said, which is both reassuring and sad.

I hadn't thought of this... .but could he still see me as 2009 Jessica? Now that girl was an idiot. She would ignore his calls, pout, get jealous, JADE, invalidate. She didn't know any better. She never heard of BPD.  But this is 2017, and I haven't been that girl in years! I get it now. I "see" him and he's made a lot of progress. I guess after 8 years, I want him to "see" me too!

If I invalidated him or treated him as his older self, I doubt he'd like it much either. I'm just not sure there is anything I can do about it. I'll keep validating his feelings. And cherish the moments when he can almost-see me.

[Boston]

I will usually validate him and let him have his "truth". But it gets old and I get tired of the same old accusations. How do you deal with being seen like this, so far from reality? Just... .let it go? Let them see you as a monster?

It's something that I have been struggling with.  For the longest time, I just ignored the accusations and name calling as I knew they were not true and absolute fabrications.  Of course, it does hurt and isn't sustainable.

[pearlsw]

Hi all! This is a great discussion!

I think one of the best things I've ever learned to deal with this stuff is not to JADE. Man, I don't add fuel to his fire... .I don't get into discussions over his jealousy stuff/accusations - especially when they are totally loco. He still wants to bring up another man hitting on me a bit right in front of him, as if that was my fault. (We were at a pharmacy in a foreign country so I didn't get all the cultural stuff going on.) Geez. It was years ago and I was pretty shocked myself that a guy would do that, but I didn't care. (He did and I guess I can give him that, but still, why keep bringing it up?) We bought our stuff and left. Well, shocked/not shocked, men can have a lot of strange approaches with women! Just when I think I've seen it all... . 

In the past I felt pressure to shut down my natural kindness and openness. I have never had such a jealous partner so it has been pretty odd/overwhelming/not fun for me. I am perhaps not quite my old self, just open and without worry around these issues, but I am glad to find the support of others here also dealing with this stuff!

[Notwendy]

I think they do see you.
Much of this stuff is said in the middle of a dysrgegulation, a moment of not thinking.

I used to feel really hurt by these things. But I had to develop a sense of boundaries about myself- what is true and what isn't true.

If I have truly hurt someone's feelings, then I need to apologize. It doesn't mean I am a horrible human being. I know I am not one.

If it isn't true, then it isn't. One idea that helped me a lot was to think of something absurd, like a pink elephant. Someone can accuse me of being one, and truly believe I am one, but none of that can make me a pink elephant. Sometimes the accusations are hurtful because they don't sound absurd, but if I know they are not true, then I substitute something absurd for the accusation. It helps me to not take it as personally.

Sometimes my challenge is not to giggle when I do this- because it does sound funny to think of pink elephants or other silly things at the time, but it mostly helps me to stay calm and not react emotionally or JADE which adds fuel to the drama.

[Chosen]

Yes, it does bother me, because a lot of times I no longer know what to think, what really is the "truth".  He paints me black, then paints me white.  But we have to understand that for BPDs, feelings = fact.  Therefore, when they feel invalidated (which is like all the time), they will honestly believe that you have attacked them, that you are a bad person, etc.  Obviously they won't feel that they are being oversensitive.

It still hurts though, for the non, and I struggle a lot of times when he paints me white as well, because I'll know that everything can change in a minute, and I can immediately change from being "amazing" to "useless".  I guess my saving grace is "medium chill", which is to keep a relatively cool attitude towards whatever he says, and not get too tied up in his emotions.  Not easy to achieve but it helps with my sanity.