How to find love again?

[pearlsw]

After crash landing here mid-summer I’ve made a lot of progress in recovering and healing my relationship. Recognizing that my partner has BPD traits and having strategies to deal with them has brought me great relief and some pleasant results much faster than I would have expected.  When I first got here and began reading I became more fearful at first, but then I got to a better place - just dealing with the present and not worrying about the next 25 years of life!

The white phases are longer, the dysregulation is shorter. It helps just being able to spot it early and lean into it rather than run away from him - a big mistake I made a lot in the past.

I have also found that I’m finding my way back slowly but surely to loving him again. I was never entirely out of love, but he was not easy to love. I could not trust his emotions. His breakup threats (hundreds of them) broke me nearly entirely. A lot of things he’d said or done left me feeling totally disgusted and repelled. Now a lot of the anger I was holding inside towards him is dissipating.

I can’t say I am excited about him as I was before this roller coaster ride started 7 years ago, but I am having fun and light hearted times with him - good things we can keep building on as we keep trying to go forward. I am less resentful even of the white phases. I sometimes felt like it was “just an illness” that was giving me this love, but I can see his humanity again and he is no longer the “monster” I used to know.

I have other issues I’m working on, but at least I have hope again that they are worth working on, and that my life has value left in it. I got that from the support here.

One of the biggest things I have back is reality. A firm grasp on it. I am no longer me alone against the world. I have support here that makes life worth living. I get to define my life. I’ve taken a firm stand against break up threats and I’m not gonna go back to merely suffering through them.

I am not saying this is over or the next black phase won’t knock me flat again, but I have so much more hope. And I got all this by only changing me!

To be honest, I am the bigger problem in the relationship at the moment than he is. He is thrilled to death and extremely happy. I get irritable or impatient here and there…so, I keep at that - watch it and adjust. I live daily by the words, “Be kind whenever possible, It is always possible.” So, when I mess up I fix it - fast. I need more time and space to sort out all I’ve been through and get clearer on what I truly want in life and how to get there, but with him more regulated I have more and more moments for myself to sort myself out.

On the improving board we are committed to doing our best to make these relationships work. What strategies have you used to fall in love again with someone who has mistreated you due to BPD? How do you love someone who is not easy to love? What does love even mean in this context?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lakebreeze]

First a round of applause on the very hard work you have done to arrive where you are at. No small feat!
Im in the same boat. I'm relieved to be detaching from the rolls coaster rides. I have so much more peace. I can choose how I respond. I'm responsible for my own feelings. And yet will we ever really "Love" again? Or do I not even really know what it is? Has my view and understanding of love been so skewed and so unhealthy, does it not exist as I understood it to be in a mentally healthy context? Maybe on some level I believe that love  is being idolized in a very BPD way.
And uBPDh continually demands /accuses me of not loving him because if I did, he would feel loved.
I hope someone has answers for you because I have definitely not yet arrived at that level in my jouney with BPD. Ill be staying tuned for some advice. Good luck!

[Perseverant]

Hooray! And thank you for sharing this with us. I'm still detaching from the wreckage of my own crash landing here, and your experience gives me hope that lighthearted times and even love can be resurrected.

Two key points I take away from your post: 1) deal with today, and stop being spooked by the thought of the next 25, 30, 40 years, and 2) take responsibility for changing yourself. What you said about curbing your irritation and being kind hit me square between the eyes. That is exactly what I am working on first. I can be not-nice, for no good reason other than that I am braced for the next BPD meltdown. Living that way does no one any good. It's something I can take control of in a sometimes out-of-control home environment.

Props to you, as they say.

[pearlsw]

HI Lakebreeze and Perserverant,

Thanks for your kind words and sharing your experiences with these complicated issues with us! It's good to have support!  

I hear ya Lakebreeze, I began to wonder if my partner had sort of “overcharged” his relationship credit card with me - like he’d burned through 30 years of goodwill (on my part) in under 5 years. I’ve had calm, peaceful relationships in the past with peaceful, friendly breakups. (Just one or two per relationship and only after reasoned discussion. It seems so quaint by comparison to all I’ve been through these last years!)

I could go years without a fight in some past relationships. So when this pattern developed with him of him having meltdowns every few days it was simply too much for me. Going a week without trouble seemed like a long time for him, a milestone we could never seem to reach. I just thought…what’s wrong and how did I get myself into this? Once I realized it was about stress and emotional dysregulation I had a way to understand the dynamic and a chance to make a difference. I was able to ground myself again.

It is hard at times to see him so bubbly and excited because I cannot match that with him and since he is emotionally sensitive he tends to try to read my emotions under a magnifying glass - and exaggerate them. Yes, it’s hard. I don’t need to be idolized. I need peace and the ability to relax. I’m lucky in that he sees himself as being “very emotional/sensitive” and always sort of recognized something was a bit "off" with himself and that he could get out of control…he is not totally unaware. He had a lot of guilt/shame over it and tried to push the pain away.

Now I make an effort too to ask how he is feeling. He’s said in the past I don’t care about his feelings, but it was more I just couldn't relate to the intensity of them. It was never true that I didn't care, but now I've built in something that keeps me more aware of them - and actually also "shows" I care on a regular basis so I can hopefully head off more "arguments" about that. "You don't care about my feelings!" "Yes I do!"

It also helps me to know how he is feeling so I can “monitor” the emotional levels of the household. I think it helps him to “see” and be aware of his feelings and mine too so we are both consciously aware of each other’s moods. He's also in a lot of physical pain so now we are using a pain scale (he likes numbers. ) so I can check his levels of pain and see when I can help or share the happiness when his pain goes lower.

Yes, Perserverant! This is exactly what I mean. Wish I had said it so concisely! Thanks!

I thought I had a tough, likely hopeless case of a relationship, but there is some chance here... .and I must admit I am surprised by that! It really is thanks to the tools on this site. By throwing out all I thought I knew about relationships and starting over with a fresh mind I could restart things a bit.

Maybe what I really need is to let go of any idea of getting back something I lost - years of peaceful, easy love. And just live as if I am in a fresh new phase that will have its own joys. Perhaps nothing is missing.

[spacecadet]

Hi pearlsw, thank you for sharing your story of progress here. Bravo to you for the work you've done on yourself and the r/s, it's clear you care for him a lot. I've no particular advice, from your last post it seems you're feeling better.

It's good to read of the behavioral tools you've discovered that diffuse the stress or intensity coming from your SO, and facilitate his finding more comfort within himself.

This board is an awesome supportive place for people in turmoil and heartbreak. Very few posts here are of success stories and/or progress in r/s, probably because people doing well don't feel the need to post. So it's encouraging to find anecdotes like yours where things are relatively stable and there are good times in the r/s.

I can relate to you in that my r/s's don't reflect a pattern of codependency on my part. My last ten years r/s have been more friendship than anything, and I have long standing friendships where if there's an issue we talk it out. It seems a lot of people make the assumption that if you are in a r/s with someone who has a personality disorder it's because you are somehow troubled. I don't buy into that... .It's possible to see the whole person and be drawn to them with all their gifts, and their issues. And yes we need to find tools to address the intense emotions and behaviors that arise from them. Still we value and care for the whole person.

[Tattered Heart]

What a great story! I'm so glad to hear of your successes and the changes that have taken place in your life.

I think I'm kind of at the same spot as you. I had pretty much cut my H off from quite a bit of my emotions because I had to for safety. I realized that I still "loved" my H but it was more in a habitual "You're still here" kind of way. I felt fondness for him, but being "in love" just wasn't safe for me. I loved him, but I did not like him. My feelings for him had become completely blank.

Yesterday I came home from church and he had vacuumed the house without me asking. He also made me a cup of chocolate milk and was in a pretty pleasant mood. We took a walk around our property together. Later while watching a TV show together I sat on the floor and he sat behind me on the couch and was just being kind and affectionate towards me. He massaged my shoulders. Later we just held each other for a moment and I felt emotion for him. It was was a weird feeling because it has been so long since I've felt anything towards him.

Is it safe for me to begin feeling towards him again? Can I let myself become more vulnerable? We are in a great place. Like you I've learned a lot and really worked on myself. I think it might be. I can let some of my emotions leak out a little more. One way I can start is by allowing myself to be affectionate towards him again. Sex has never been a problem, but intimacy has. We used to hug but we stopped. We used to hold hands, but we don't do that anymore. We both enjoy physical closeness, but I keep my distance so I can start with that.

[pearlsw]

I can relate to you in that my r/s's don't reflect a pattern of codependency on my part. My last ten years r/s have been more friendship than anything, and I have long standing friendships where if there's an issue we talk it out. It seems a lot of people make the assumption that if you are in a r/s with someone who has a personality disorder it's because you are somehow troubled. I don't buy into that... .It's possible to see the whole person and be drawn to them with all their gifts, and their issues. And yes we need to find tools to address the intense emotions and behaviors that arise from them. Still we value and care for the whole person.

Hi wisedup22, Thanks for saying this, I agree! I've been hearing the word "codependency" in the air since the late 80's and I always think "oh, I better read about that again and see if that fits!" but it never has.

I can't say I always made the best relationship choices now that I look back on it though. I don't like to Monday morning quarterback the last decades of life, and I'm grateful for all the people I've been involved with. I was probably slightly more comfortable being with people with some "life experience", not totally sheltered, but I could have done without the problems others brought onto my plate. Live and learn I guess!  I was just an open and accepting person and took people into my life like you say, as a whole person. I must say though the things I've dealt with from past partners have "nothing" on BPD traits. Wow! But even this I am learning to find my balance with finally thanks to reading and reviewing here a little bit every day to give myself structure and stay mindful. At last!

And TH, yes! I can really relate to what you wrote, "I loved him, but I did not like him. My feelings for him had become completely blank." My highly sensitive guy was just way too much at times - like a blackhole just taking everything out of me, and not really giving in return. Now, I can enjoy him in his current white phase - his bubbliness, his innocent thrill to be with me. He tries so hard to regulate, and with the right kind of support he's doing much better at it.

Years ago I used to beg him for just one month in a row with peace and no break up threats/drama. I'm hoping in time, with longer white phases, I'll have enough time to rebuild/fill up my "love bank" instead of just feeling drained and cautious. Oh, I just checked my calendar and he's made it over a month! No wonder I am feeling better!

To get love feelings for him again I try to narrate/retell stories about nice times we've had. Does anyone else do stuff like that? I know relationships change, but I want to feel a little of that on edge, genuine excitement to looking forward to seeing/hearing from him. Ya know?

Thanks everyone for talking about this stuff! I really appreciate the insights and support!

[Tattered Heart]

To get love feelings for him again I try to narrate/retell stories about nice times we've had. Does anyone else do stuff like that? I know relationships change, but I want to feel a little of that on edge, genuine excitement to looking forward to seeing/hearing from him. Ya know?

Yes we do that too. We have a lot of really good memories together. We've been through a lot. Had a lot of losses. We've travelled a little. We enjoy talking about those times and it reminds of how far we've come since we began dating.

I think you'll get there. Where there is a willingness you'll figure it out. Maybe you can make it a goal to fall back in love your H again.

[P.F.Change]

I'm very encouraged by your post, pearlsw. I hear a lot of confidence and am happy you are enjoying so many successes.

I don't have an answer yet about how to "fall in love again," but it's a topic I think about a fair bit. Our T gave us an assignment the first week to write down all the things that we fell in love with or that we have loved about each other over the years on separate pieces of paper, and keep them in a little jar so that when we are asking "Why am I even doing this?" we can go back and look at a paper or two or ten and remember. They're not for sharing with the other, just for ourselves, to stay motivated and centered. I'll be honest, a few of the things that I was originally attracted to are really obnoxious or even repulsive at times to me now, but there are a lot of others that help me remember good times and good things. This is a lot like what you're suggesting about remembering your happy narratives. We're also supposed to be planning some fun time together and as a family. With so much negativity and difficult feelings these past few months, the T wants us to try to remember that we have fun together, too.

I guess, right now, I'm not really trying to be "in love." I miss being in love, it's what I've always wanted to feel with my partner. And there are some glimmers of hope that we might build some of that back--I think we both want to. But for me, I'm still struggling to trust and so just working to love is enough for the time being. I'm trying to do my therapy homework and stay present. I want to show up in ways that support my husband right now because I see him opening up to vulnerability and dealing with very uncomfortable feelings. Maybe I don't feel "in love" right now, but that's okay. I feel at least "in friendship" and that's something I can work with.

[P.F.Change]

It is hard at times to see him so bubbly and excited because I cannot match that with him and since he is emotionally sensitive he tends to try to read my emotions under a magnifying glass - and exaggerate them.

As a tangent, I also wanted to say this describes a lot of our dynamic, too. It has been disappointing to my H sometimes because I am pretty even-keeled, not excitable and peppy like him (or his mom, for that matter, but that's another can of worms   ). He's very hypersensitive to my mood and can't stand for me to have a "negative" one, such as irritation or anger. Sometimes, even when I'm perfectly content, he studies me intently, decides I must be unhappy with him, and starts being passive-aggressive about it. At that point I really do get irritated! This just happened with us yesterday when he left for work, and I made sure we talked about it at lunch. He is aware that he is "overly sensitive" and I think may be almost ready to start talking about some of that in therapy.

This is a quote that stood out to me from an article on psych central about covert/vulnerable narcissism (many of which traits I feel apply to my h):

They are typically highly sensitive people to the extreme level. Only their feelings have significance or importance, not another’s. Instead of using their sensitivity to understand and meet the needs of others, they take offense to the slightest emotional reaction, personalize other person’s feelings, and ultimately make it all about them.

(External source link: https://pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-woman/2016/11/the-secret-facade-of-the-vulnerable-narcissist )

My mother with BPD also tended to misinterpret my mood and wasn't very good at reading people's expressions accurately. But with my husband, it's different. I think she was collecting evidence in the world that supported her view that she's a terrible person unworthy of love. It worked for her if I was miserable. On the other hand, he seems to be throwing little tantrums when he doesn't find enough evidence that his presence has filled me with delight. I'm supposed to be happy all the time.

Does either of those feel more reflective of what you're going through?

[pearlsw]

Hi TH and P.F. Change, Thank you both for these lovely and thoughtful replies.

I couldn't write yesterday, but shortly after I last posted he came home with flowers and a cookie for me. He is giddy all the time, his dear heart. I think if we make it to the 20th, just one more day, with no breakup/meltdown this will literally be the longest white phase for as far back as I can remember. I am amazed. I used to beg the universe for this much calmness in a row. I used to ask him all the time why can't you even go one month without a conflict? (I was confused, made it all about him instead of speaking more carefully though.)

Well, after reading here I became clear on why these things happen and on how to help him. I also recommitted to a lifelong goal of finding a better choice of expressing myself. Instead of pinning it all on him and leaving to him to stop being difficult on his own I had to step up my game and relearn everything and admit I wasn’t doing my best. Any tiny amount of blame ("Why are YOU the problem?" or “Why do YOU always…?”) can be defeating so I am watching more carefully not to let such things slip out.  Every word choice matters, but it doesn't have to be hard if you stay aware. I can mop up the mistakes quickly if I slow down and listen to myself and make better,  nuanced choices. And it makes such a difference on how you treat someone, how they feel.  Making thing more smooth is my goal. I do not want to do do anything to make things any harder than they have to be.

On a long bike ride this week I had time to think and reflect. Just having calm time with his emotions is giving me more time to figure out my own. I used to always make lists of reasons to stay and reasons to go when I felt conflicted about relationships and could decide accordingly. And this week while cleaning I found an old list like that! And another list of me making demands and setting limits with him. What I liked about seeing the notes is that it was a good reminder that all I thought I knew about relationships is something I have had to, and daily have to go back to, throwing out the window and letting go. I must stay open to new and better ideas and change. I really was demanding him to be logical and not listening to his emotions very well. Now I can tune better into the emotions as he expresses them which is very unique for me - his expressions!

As much as I think I don't have expectations, when I look closely there they are again. I keep expecting him to not be hyper-vigilant, which is an intense energy that is hard for me in such big doses, just because I don't like it, but some of this is hard wired in (and maybe some isn't?)... .but it was my expectations that were an overlooked part of the problem.

Ah yes, and another culprit in his moods: his back pain. He is also so much happier lately, especially this week, because we randomly found a device that is helping him address his back pain and that gives us hope he can avoid a long shot surgery he was considering. He is in less pain now than he's been in the last 3 years. He says now he can see flowers. I think he meant he can stop and see the happiness in life and not always be at this higher level of pain and just unpleasant to be around. I am so happy for him.

But back to me. On the ride I just realized that I need more quiet time to get my thoughts and feelings sorted out.

Yes I relate to this very much!

As a tangent, I also wanted to say this describes a lot of our dynamic, too. It has been disappointing to my H sometimes because I am pretty even-keeled, not excitable and peppy like him (or his mom, for that matter, but that's another can of worms   ). He's very hypersensitive to my mood and can't stand for me to have a "negative" one, such as irritation or anger. Sometimes, even when I'm perfectly content, he studies me intently, decides I must be unhappy with him, and starts being passive-aggressive about it. At that point I really do get irritated!

On the other hand, he seems to be throwing little tantrums when he doesn't find enough evidence that his presence has filled me with delight. I'm supposed to be happy all the time.

Does either of those feel more reflective of what you're going through?

That under the microscope over estimation/misreading of my moods (and their consequences) is a bit much at times! I'd like a day or two here and there to feel sad about things, but it is hard on him if I fall apart for even a little while or even get sick. He misreads a lot, or doesn't realize how easily I can let things go and move on. He is starting to see it more and more lately and praises me often for being easy-going, funny, "his dream", etc.

His giddiness makes me feel weird about my own emotions though. I feel like there has never been room for my emotions, that I can't talk to him the way I am used to talking with a partner. I need people I can talk to in that way, just be me and not on eggshells. In the past I could say anything to my partner, and them to me, and it didn't lead to such big issues. Even yesterday, with all the news from the US related to sexual harassment and abuse I couldn't avoid talking about the subject a bit, but I didn't really want to talk over such topics with him.

He made an effort to be understanding, but is not as supportive as I'd like (my expectations again biting me!)... .I think it is (partly) because I am still a bit (silently) wounded over extremely mean, baseless insults he's made in the past that highlight such issues. (I was sexually harassed and assaulted 2 years or so into our relationship while unexpectedly/unpreparedly traveling alone in another country I had to go to because of temporary visa issues here in Europe. I could never talk it over fully with him, but from what he does know he was pretty insulting towards me more so than the perpetrator. I can't bring it up though because it is just a nightmare for me to have to deal with this with him. He was part concerned for me/part really horrible about it. I am okay emotionally. Things happen. It was not my fault. I don't second guess myself on whose fault it was, and I saved my life more than once on that trip by my quick thinking and willingness to act/defend myself. But it was his words that made me feel more victimized than I already had been. Since I can't/will never talk this over with him I just worked it out inside myself. I am glad for these women's stories coming out right now because it illustrates how we deal with life long harassment and attacks of one kind or another as women, and some men too. You are never prepared and that kind of crap we are hearing about has been happening to me since Middle School!) So, I have learned that I can't really talk to him about everything/anything. I just have a fear anything I will say could be misconstrued/twisted and come back from him as an insult some day (and he can't meet my emotional needs on such topics so I can take the issues elsewhere or would if I had more friends). In the past he's known no bounds on inventing insults. I have a strong enough sense of myself that I don't believe the insults, but it just lowers him in my eyes when I hear them, and the lower he gets the less attractive he is for me. He is honestly, the only person in my entire life who has spoken to me so horribly and unjustifiably, but I think (using logic and reasoning and numbers actually, along with attention to his feelings - a two pronged approach) I could convince him that you don't have to make threats or be so insulting - that it is counter-productive. He’s reduced at least, but only because I pushed back hard and gave passionate speeches about why one does not behave this way and how it is getting him away from his goal - being with me.  

I'm just having that "something's missing" feeling but I can't put my finger on it. Have I always just thought I could spend my whole life with someone, but I didn't/don't really want to? Or do I?  I’m grappling with what a "happy life" means for me.  Is this where I should be in life? Is this the life I want? I’m still thinking it over. Thank you so much for sharing and talking these things out with me. I still haven’t quite been able to put every nuance into words, but hopefully with time I can better put my finger on it. I didn’t used to be so emotionally blocked.

I’m going to keep rereading your posts till I digest all the insights! Thank you again!