Most ridiculous argument ever?

[Happy outside]

He got upset with me today when he called me at work and I was unable to talk. Instead of focusing on what he was asking me in that moment, I told him that I couldn't talk and would call him back. As soon as I was able, just a few minutes later, I gave him the answer that he was seeking.

In his defense, he NEVER calls me at my work number and it was a time sensitive question he was asking of me; "did I order bday flowers for his mother".

I'm trying so hard to not be selfish and to stop making the same mistakes over and over.

How could I have done this any differently?  Please help me...

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[formflier]

There may have been nothing you could have done differently, sometimes there is so much nuance it can be hard to figure this stuff out.  My suggestion is turn this over in your head for a bit today... then let it go.

Did he call on cell phone or desk phone at work?

It's good he never (or rarely) calls you at work.  So, that makes the "analysis" a bit harder.

I recommend text and email.  If something is time sensitive, mark it "urgent" or "911".  This should be talked through ahead of time.

Can I pivot a bit here?  I would suggest you put most of your analysis into "moving forward". 

"Hey babe, I'm sorry when you reached out to me I was clobbered at work.  That's typically not the case."

FF

[isilme]

It's not selfish.  You were at work.  Everything cannot be dropped in a moment at work all the time to help him handle a crisis, not even a time-dependent question.  So it's okay.  It happens. People who do NOT have BPD can be upset but still understand and move on from a thing like this. 

My office is ina building with weird metal remnants of old vaults.  WiFi and cell service is spotty in some rooms, and can be great on one seat in a conference room, and totally dead one seat over.  He has freaked out on me for "ignoring him" when I had my phone, it just received no messages until I got back to my desk and the alerts came rolling in.  But by then, the damage was done - his emotions got triggered and the rational explanation "I did not get your messages" was harder to hear than the one he already picked - "You were just ignoring me to make me mad because you like to make me mad".  Oh, yes, you being mad is a joy. 

Regarding things like family gifts - I tell him the minute I send them.  Yes, I am the keeper of the dates, reminders of the gifts.  I try to not wait till the day of, but even then, I manage to get a gift card out if nothing else.  But to avoid fears like him suddenly remembering his mom's birthday, I try to ask about it and clarify about it and then verify about a week out.  It's just a preventative measure to keep him from having a meltdown like this.  Once, the florist eff-ed up and missed her birthday, and I am the one who got in trouble, and was ordered to yell at ProFlowers for failing us.  It was not a good day. 

I agree - move forward.  Try to make plans and boundaries for appropriate communication, especially while you are at work. 

[Happy outside]

He did try to reach me on my cell, but but my cell was in my drawer and on silent.

Your handling of that phone call was not a "mistake".  It was just you being you.  Obviously, the only reason that I would call you on the school line would be if it were for something important AND time critical.  Your response was not to save time because you were busy because you could have said "No, did not order flowers" faster than "I am going to have to call you back".  So saying your sorry means nothing to me, because I know that given similar circumstances in the future, you will simply behave the same way... .because it is just who you are.  You said that you were going to work on not doing things that make you lie about being sorry, but it is just too hard for you.

Above is the text he sent me that "blindsided" me. Does this look like something or how your spouse thinks/speaks to you?  Just curious?

[formflier]

 

That is a "ridiculous" and "invalid" text... .

It appears to me it's a "one way" speech with massive judgments included.  Since your pwBPD knows what you think... he can "talk" for you... .he can then rebut and judge things that you have never thought.

I used to get these...

I was prickly in my responses. 

For instance... I would have replied.  "Oh my... this text seems harsh... .I'm sure you don't mean that.  Let's talk about this in person"

If there was stronger language I would likely have labeled it "abusive" and said "stop sending abusive texts"...

I get it that what is shocking to you is "mild" to others... .it's all based on what has been going on in the relationship. 

How often do you get texts like this?

FF

[JoeBPD81]

Above is the text he sent me that "blindsided" me. Does this look like something or how your spouse thinks/speaks to you?  Just curious?

That looks exactly how my Gf speaks to me when she's angry. As formflier said, massive judgement, even after the most trivial mistake. Then, if I am hurt, I am playin the victim and she "doesn't go after any man". I'm struggling to let it go today, I hope we can.

[pearlsw]

Hi HappyOutside and everyone,

I think it is always important to look at ourselves and see what we could do better in regards to communication so I applaud you for that!

I think he was in a panic moment, felt a sense of urgency and you were busy - that happens. In all fairness perhaps a simple "Yes" or "no" on your part, plus "busy, will call asap" could have been another approach, but none of us are perfect quick thinkers.

Had you ordered the flowers at the time he called? Was there something more you wanted to explain about it? Did you want a larger conversation, have other issues to discuss? Did he just need to know so he also didn't order the flowers you may have already ordered and thereby waste money/time? Although he can reasonably be expected to wait... .you can also reasonably be expected to answer "yes" or "no" to a direct question.

I find that sometimes my partner with BPD traits irritates me and rather than give him what he wants right when he wants it I might feel resistant (because I don't always get what I want when I want it) and then I can become difficult and thereby add to the problem. But what a waste of my time!    There is no point in passive aggressively settling every score or being resentful. I find the best thing is to check my ego, notice why/if I am upset and making things worse to any degree, and rather than get into a tug of war over how/when/why he asked something just answer his question... .then you can follow it up with your own explanation, discussions, counter questions, etc. but sometimes you can save yourself trouble by just being direct. If he is in a hurry he'll take the answer and run with it, and I will be in the dark, but I've gotten used to that. At some point later I'll know... .or not... .and all will be okay.

Don't beat yourself up too hard. Why do you feel you were being selfish? Did he call you selfish? Were you really being selfish or is this tearing you down a bit and making you feel low about yourself? You are human. If you did not have bad intentions and made a small mistake don't let anyone else make you feel otherwise. Keep your self-esteem and spirits up - that is a very important strategy for dealing with BPD for the long haul!

[Juan Pablo]

Happy Outside. I applaud you for the work you are doing to look at yourself and how to grow. That is always such hard work and the scenerio you shared is so familiar to me.  It can be so difficult to understand why our loved ones respond in ways that can be so hurtful and just blindside us.

My T has been working with me to provide two things in communications  like this. First expressing how important they are to me, in your scenerio, how important their call and issue is, and say you are so sorry but need to call right back. Second, to validate his emotions. When he did not get an immediate answer most likely  his lymbic system went into panic and he felt immense rejection. His text was the panic reaction. You could validate his emotions expressed in the text.  Then at a safe time talk about how you want to handle personal calls while you are at work.  That puts a boundery in place so you don't have to feel like you always need to change in order to keep him from disregulating.

Others around here are much better equipped then i, but that was my thought.

[Happy outside]

Formflier, I get these sort of text at least once a week from him. So this is nothing new.

I apologize daily for any various infraction I have committed. It's to the point that I try to have minimum conversation, because I'm afraid of saying something wrong.

I'm told at least once a week that I'm selfish. I dread long car rides, there is high probability that I will be verbally chastised for any previous crime for the millionth time.

[formflier]

Ok... now I have a clearer picture.

Do you believe you have done something to apologize for?

Or

Are you apologizing to help keep the peace?.

FF

[Tattered Heart]

I'd like to second what pearlsw said. I've found that trying to look at a conflict from my pwBPD's view and where he is coming from has made a huge difference in how I view our conflict. When I see my H as the problem and not my partner I tend to view everything he does from a skewed perspective. When I begin to perceive his behavior as a means for him to avoid rejection then I can feel empathy for what he is experiencing and respond better.

Don't beat yourself up too hard. Why do you feel you were being selfish? Did he call you selfish? Were you really being selfish or is this tearing you down a bit and making you feel low about yourself?

These are some great questions. I'd like to hear what your thoughts are on why you accept the label of "selfish".

[Happy outside]

I apologize to keep the peace. I have NEVER stood up to him and stated that "I will not apologize". I'm afraid if I did that, I would find myself out on the curb. I have never told anyone what my life is like. It's easier, to live this lie, than to tell someone what I deal with.

Have I lost myself, yes. If you had told me 20 years ago, that I would be a spineless, subservient woman, I would have laughed at you.

It's just easier to let him steamroll over me, than to stand up for myself.

If a man were to treat my daughter this way, I would strangle him with my bare hands. No one can treat my child this way; ever! 

Selfish=my opinion being different from his, trying to stand up for myself, voicing ANY dislike or displeasure, not doing what I'm told to do immediately, not looking for ways to make his life easier(taking over all yard work, if he could, I would have to do the car maintenance ), asking him to do "chores" that I'm capable of doing; (going to bank, running his errands, etc). So any of these various things make me selfish.