SOS ... HELP

[GBKayak]

Dear All,

So this is me ... .












... .I set about writing a long and rambling introduction to me on my iPad ... .I repeatedly used 'Select All' and 'Copy' to ensure I did not 'loose it' ... .then I cut the word ' ... .private ... .' to paste it elsewhere in the text and, moments later, my iPad saw fit to advise me that I should update the operating system ... .then Safari updated this web page and I have just lost ~ 2 Hrs and 30 Mins of my life attempting to 'reach' out for help!  Why bother?  ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!  Though an engineer by training and a degree of practise ... .I HATE TECHNOLOGY!

Yours Aye

GB

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mavrik]

You can bullet point the issues if you want as I'm sure many on here will know exactly where your coming from

[GBKayak]

... .and another 2 hours ... .wasted on bullet points!

[GBKayak]

I will get there ... .at some point!

... .one day!

[GBKayak]

I suppose the situation between my beloved and me is summarised in this Facebook post made in May this year:

'Just feeling so positive and blessed! Having been convinced for years that I was mentally ill, that I was 'the problem' in everything, my mental health team are now saying that I'm NOT mentally ill. I have issues that mean I struggle on and off with depression, but the previous thoughts/diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder/Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder are now considered unsuitable! I'm doing well, psychologically stronger, my weight has increased, and I've been offered a place at college

... .partial post ... .appears 'broken' by an emoji!  Today just isn't going very well.

[GBKayak]

Dear All,

So ... .before I make another post ... .a poem ... .the content of a childrens' book that my beloved wife and I loved to read to our daughters ... .at one point in her young life my elder daughter could recite it almost word for word from memory ... .good memories ... .of 'happier' times!

It may be quite apposite for many here ... .;oP

With thanks to the authors Vicki Churchill and Charles Fuge.

Sometimes I Like to Curl up in a Ball

Sometimes I like to curl up in a ball,
So no one can see me because I'm so small.

Sometimes I like to jump high as I can,
To see how much noise I can make when I land.

Sometimes I like to scream ever so loud,
Not that I'm cross, I just like how it sounds.

Sometimes I like to just walk round and round,
I pigeon step, pigeon step, til I fall down.

Sometimes I like to stand still as a tree,
And watch everyone rush around about me.

Sometimes I like to poke out my tongue,
Or make funny faces, now that can be fun.

Sometimes I like to get in a real mess,
With mud on my hands and my feet and my chest.

Sometimes I like to run ever so fast,
I sometimes come first, but I sometimes come last.

But when the day ends and the sun starts to fall,
Then I do what I do best of all.
I find somewhere soft, somewhere cozy and small ... .

... .And that's where I like to curl up in a ball.


... .I wish ... .with a loving ... .make that 'my' beloved ... .

Right ... .where do I start ... .oh I forgot, I started at just after 8 this morning.  Lots of time to think, attempt to get my thoughts and feelings ... .what ever they are ... .on pap ... .onto this electronic message board!  With limited success.

The Facebook post made by my wife in May this year ended after the emojis that cut off the end of my last post with ... .

' ... .. God is working His Purpose out! Here I am Lord, Your will be done!

So ... .a former diagnosis of BPD has been overtaken by a 'new' diagnosis of no 'mental illness' ... .and I thought depression came under that 'nom de guerre'!  Good news and a reason for celebration ... .I am truly and wholeheartedly glad that for the moment my beloved now understands that she was not " ... .'the problem' in everything ... ." ... .but good news ... .not in more than 22 1/2 years of knowing my beloved.  I am left with a finger poking ever harder at my chest that I am and was 'the problem'.  I am the mentally ill one with all the stigma that that carries particularly when someone blames you for abusing them ... .and our children.  I have been abandoned, rejected, ' ... .sent to Coventry ... .'; in a school playground this would be called bullying!

So many questions are thrown up by my life experience and brought into sharp focus as I hear about peoples' troubled lives in the 3 'Self Management and Recover Training' (SMART) Recovery groups I attend, have read about over the last few days here, and experience with friends in 'real' life.  What is 'truth' ... .who sets acceptable standards of behaviour ... .what is 'normal' ... .who defines societal 'moral' and behavioural boundaries ... .what cultural and religious norms do we accept and defend or reject and trample ... .in secret and in public ... .is it down to 'consensual' between adults ... .agreed boundaries ... .have we agreed, consented, or 'imposed' and 'given way' ... .defined when, recorded where, measured by whom, who is the ultimate arbiter?  Sadly, the 'truth' is often the first casualty in any conflict!  What problems and difficulties do we humans get ourselves into when we seek to identify what we want and live in community with others who want different ends!

I have a 'diagnosis' of a PD ... .though like anyone in this situation it is often not just 'one' 'disorder' but we all stand somewhere in multiple 'spectra' ... .somewhere between one extreme and another on a number of different axes!  I also have cultivated deliberately ... .because it 'felt' 'good' or to demonstrate that I was not incapable and inadequate or to avoid the embarrassment of 'becoming' a 'man' ... .habitual behaviours in my physical sexual 'expression' from the age of ~ 11 years old ... .over 36 years ... .that have contributed to the current very 'sorry' mess that we currently inhabit!

Sadly that 'we' is an ever widening circle, my wife and me, our daughters, my parents, her mother, my siblings and partners and their children ... .and we, my family and I, are currently a significant burden upon our society. Try explaining what a transsexual is to your mother who has held something of a very sheltered life ... .should that innocence or mine as a teenager or in my early 20s be 'shattered' by others' advertisement or 'normalisation' of their proclivities?  Yet that society and its social care structures focus strongly upon the individual and their 'rights' and particularly favour minority groups, women and children while men are often seen as the aggressor and can surely 'look after themselves'!  I imagine it is even more difficult for our brethren with a darker skin and of a different religious persuasion!  It is called 'discrimination' ... .or perhaps 'reverse' discrimination!

Earlier this year my beloved finally formalised her 'case' against me in 3 allegations made to the Police about my behaviour towards her in 2015; my elder daughter also made a witness statement corroborating one of the allegations.  Whilst the lines of questioning that I was subjected to by the Police indicate that at least some of these allegations have their foundations in 'truth' I wonder how 'honest' my beloved has been about the part that she has played in our married life over 18 years together.

Clearly, if there is no mental 'illness' or 'condition' then there was no mental stress placed by her on those around her that might explain their reasonable concerns and might show their actions in a different light from deliberately and offensively damaging to being in a terrible position with very limited professional expertise and support in what they were facing and how to deal with someone with BPD in a loving and kindly manner!  More importantly how to avoid responding in kind to personally aggressive and emotionally damaging behaviour focused upon them.

Well, that's enough for know ... .lots about what I think ... .how much really about me ... .hmmm!

~ 16 hours after dragging myself out of bed ... .I am off ' ... .to curl up in a ball' ... .sadly alone! ; .o(

Yours Aye

GB

[Tattered Heart]

HI GBKayak,

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now. IT sounds like you are hurting and frustrated. I'm a little confused and wanted to make sure I am undersanding things correctly. Is it you that believes you may have BPD or your wife who may have BPD?

[GBKayak]

Hi there TH,

My wife received a 'diagnosis' of BPD in 2011 which has been 'overturned' through her most recent period of consultation with the mental health professionals in the UK National Health Service (NHS).

We met at local Kayak Club in late 1994, Me 24, She 17; she on 'rebound' from previous boyfriend, she 'lost' virginity with the boyfriend before him who also introduced her to kayaking ... .all in a period of ~ 6 months!  Our first date 19th December 1994.  She was very 'tactile' even 'clingy' and I was looking for a 'physical' relationship so we were very quickly in a sexual relationship!  She was baptised into Christian faith in Jun 1995; we got engaged on 8th June 1996, ~ 6 weeks before her 19th birthday; married 2nd August 1997.  :)uring our early 'courting' days she occasionally self harmed and I remember at least one occasion on which she had a 'serious' panic attack.  There was one occasion on which we had a 'significant' argument and she wanted us to go our separate ways!

We lived apart during the week for the first year while she completed her Higher National Diploma in Outdoor Leisure Management.  On 4th April 1999 I joined the Royal Air Force (RAF) as an Engineering Officer and for the first year of training we were apart on ~ fortnightly basis ... .together 1 weekend in 2.  After the summer fortnight break, during which we attended my paternal grandfather's funeral, and upon returning to training I wrote off our car in an 'unforeseeable' accident ... .we continued our journey in a courtesy car and she returned home.  The car was withdrawn as soon as the insurance company assessed our car as a 'write' off and my beloved was left without private transport ... .other than her bicycle.

Some weeks later, my parents visited her on their way home from dealing with my grandfather's estate to find her 'cowering' in the corner of our chaotic living room.  Much of the 'disorder' can be laid at my 'door'.  My dad, a minister in the Anglican Church took her to see the Family General Practitioner (GP) ... .doctor ... .who 'signed her off' work for a fortnight with 'depression' and she returned to my parents' home which was much closer to the location in which I was training ... .~ 1hr by car vs ~ 3 - 4 hrs by car on a 'good' day!  This was the first time, as far as I know, during our time together that she had seen the medical profession with regard to her mental health.

Summer 2001 she was prescribed a course of 'Prozac' for 'depression'.  She was off 'Prozac' by the end of 2001 and we conceived our first child, a daughter in January 2002.  Her dad, who had completely 'cut contact' with her for a period immediately following our wedding moved out to Spain in April 2002!  She began maternity leave in August 2002 and our elder daughter was born in early October 2002.

She became depressed again in March 2004 and the Youth and Community Development Worker (CDW) employed by RAF Lyneham with whom she had been involved in some local youthwork began to provide 'pastoral care'.  In May 2004 she self-harmed in front of CDW, a 'serious' action which led him to accompany her to see the RAF chaplain and GP.  He encouraged her to self-refer to a private counselling agency rather than a psychiatric referral from the GP which she did not want.  She began counselling at the end of June 2004 and in late July 'came on' to the now 'ex' CDW who had left his role to pursue training for 'ministry' in the Methodist Church.  She reported to me in early 2005 that he had got 'too close' an understanding of her mental state so she made herself 'available' to him to 'frighten' him off ... .it didn't work so she ended up in a sexual relationship!

Our elder daughter went to visit my sister in early August, shortly afterwards we had a 'serious' falling out and as she left the house, leaving me with the understanding if I remember correctly that she wanted 'out' of our relationship ... .I threatened suicide ... .clearly not my 'finest hour'!  My dad and brother made a 'dash' to visit me once she had revealed my 'threat' to my parents who were visiting my sister at the time.  My dad arranged for us to visit our minister and he directed us to someone for marriage counselling whom we visited once.

In mid August she visited her Mum with our daughter while I came up to Scotland with some of my 'team' from work.  Her mum, being on her 3rd husband ... .my beloved's father was divorced, second husband died of a brain tumour, months after our wedding ... .3rd husband friend of 2nd husband and unknown numbers of extramarital relationships in between.  Her mum, never favouring me as a 'son', encouraged my wife to continue her relationship with the 'ex' CDW; himself married with a daughter of ~ 10 - 12 years old!  My beloved discovered she was pregnant again ... .fatherhood (?) ... .she had a car accident in late August and miscarried at the end of August 2014!

... .TBC ... .