Am tempted to reach out to ex. Need advice...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

You can see from my previous post about my ex. I don't know whether she suffered from BPD or not, or if was just depression and anxiety. She did exhibit some traits of BPD though.

I guess Im currently struggling not to contact her. Im thinking about texting her today and am looking for some support/advice. We split last year after I decided it was too much effort with me doing basically everything in our relationship. She was criticising me quite often which just wore me down given I felt she wasn't making much effort.

I miss her so much today and wish we were still together. I think she is seeing someone else now.

[lookouthewindow]

You can see from my previous post about my ex. I don't know whether she suffered from BPD or not, or if was just depression and anxiety. She did exhibit some traits of BPD though.

I guess Im currently struggling not to contact her. Im thinking about texting her today and am looking for some support/advice. We split last year after I decided it was too much effort with me doing basically everything in our relationship. She was criticising me quite often which just wore me down given I felt she wasn't making much effort.

I miss her so much today and wish we were still together. I think she is seeing someone else now.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi lookouthewindow,

It's great to meet you.  I've read your other post so know a little about your relationship.  It's hard to move on from a r/s when it is confusing looking back at how it played out.  We certainly understand that on this board!  Missing your ex is to be expected at times.  It's natural to think back over past relationships and remember all the good times.  In the case of a BPD r/s it's also important that we keep a balanced perspective, as we know that the good times are typically followed by difficulties.  This is the nature of the condition.  What specifically is it that you are finding you miss right now?  Can you put your finger on it?

Love and light x

[lookouthewindow]

Hi thanks for your reply. To be honest I just miss her company and the fact she was stunning.
I really don't know whether she had BPD either or if she was just emotional but I guess the fact that the relationship was confusing at times does make it harder. I have never really struggled getting over gf's in the past and its been a year with this girl.

She was so keen for me to move with her but when it actually came to her making an effort in the relationship it was a different story. She was good at saying things but rarely did anything like coming to seeing me. It was always 'I will' but there was no commitment.  I guess I struggle to relate to her saying she missed me so much when I was away or that she would miss me, but she was prepared to let the relationship end (my choice) just because she couldn't book a flight or apologise for her recent behaviour. Its almost like she didn't care about me at all after everything I did for her.

Then when we do speak a few months later, she is pretty much the same and still doesn't accept responsibility for her behaviour although she does admit she is difficult.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi lookout,

A BPD r/s certainly can have a profound and lasting impact.  The fact that she was stunning is bound to keep you longing, and we all know how captivating a partner can be in the idealisation stage, as they are mirroring us.  Would you say the following article sums up the way the r/s evolved in your opinion?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

When I read this article for the first time it was like the light suddenly came on and so much made sense... .

Love and light x

[lookouthewindow]

Yes I read that when I joined the site. It certainly does have certain elements of our relationship yes. I guess its not black and white but I would summarise the relationship as follows:

Month 1 - 3: I think we both struck up an early connection and she was quite into me during this period. There was the odd blip where she would sulk and get upset if I was late for a date and was quite forward in terms of saying I should dump her sooner than later if I wasn't into her. I found this strange.  We also went on holiday which was perfect, no arguments at all. Generally it was clear she liked me a lot.

Month 4 - 6: I would say towards the end of 3rd month I noticed her jealousy and we did have a big argument about this as she ignored me at a party because I spoke to a girl. I also noticed her becoming more emotional and stressed with work. She had a health scare which stressed her out a lot too. She wasn't afraid of showing me her emotions by this point as she had admitted to depression and anxiety. She would criticise me for clothes I wore and would sulk, later apologising for being moody.  She would also storm out of my place when we were messing around in bed, for something minor I had said. By month 6 she seemed like a completely different girl and seemed disconnected with what was happening around her and was crying whilst walking to a restaurant one evening.  Her OCD was clear to see now and she would cry or get upset quite easily. Some days she was ok but they were few and far between.  She did tell me that this is how she will be for the rest of her life and I need to accept this. I didn't really think about this in great detail at the time.

Month 7 - 9:  We actually had some time apart during this period as I couldn't cope with all the issues this early in a relationship.  She was trying to make me work for her and we did get back together.  She was better during this time but the jealousy was clearly there still and there were numerous arguments about ex's or other friends. Also when I raised any issues with the relationship she would say she doesn't like being criticised and would cry.  She would overreact still, such as when I cooked something and she didn't like one of ingredients or when we out to dinner, she would suddenly become passive aggressive and wouldn't talk to me because of something I'd said. Up until that point we had a really nice day together.

Month 10 +: By this point we were living further apart and I would go and stay with her.  The first time was pretty bad and she would criticise me quite a lot and it could be about anything.  Her OCD was also quite bad.  I noticed a few times that she would blame me for something that she did and this is when I started to question her mental state.  I also noticed gas lighting and she would accuse me of using her for sex, despite the fact I had travelled to see her.  When we were apart she would ignore me if she felt I had done something wrong and then when I react angrily she wouldn't talk to me, despite the fact she had something I felt was unjustified.  She also made little to no effort in the relationship and I brought this up on a few occasions. She attempted to for a week or so and then it would revert back to normal.  I eventually ended things about a year and a half of dating (her longest relationship).

Now this is obviously detailing a lot of the issues, there were lots of great times together alongside this but Ive focussed on the bad points to paint the picture of her behaviour and the issues we faced.

[Harley Quinn]

I'm curious to know whether after writing out your history in this way you still had the urge to reach out and if it was as strong as before doing this?  I've found that writing things down has helped me enormously, whether that be here or in a book  which I keep for my thoughts.  Sometimes looking over things in this way has helped me to clarify my thoughts and feelings and also to listen to what my gut says when I see this in front of me.  It also just comforts me to get it out of myself and put it somewhere else!

Did your ex ever speak about treatment and her willingness / lack of to participate?  I know you say she talked about being this way forever.  Did you ever discuss her options?

Love and light x

[Lucky Jim]

Hey lookout, Why are you thinking about reaching out to your Ex?  It's normal to long for the good times, but as HQ notes they are usually accompanied by bad times in a BPD r/s, so it's important to balance the good and the bad.  Reaching out is risky because it often leads to more pain.  What has changed?  What makes you think a text from you would be received well?  Plenty of us, including me, have not only reached out but have gone on to a full-blown recycle.  Problem is, it usually ends up in the same place, except with more pain, so I suggest you proceed w/caution.

LuckyJim

[Jacidrinkswine]

Don't need to read post - just the subject. DONT. I have been there- and it took a long time. Read about extinction. Every time you have contact you start at 0. I know it hard but please head my advice.

[lookouthewindow]

Hi thanks for your responses.
To be honest I have felt fine this week. I tend to go through periods where I crave the intimacy we had but when Im busy this doesn't happen.

It did help writing things down and when I talk to girls I work with, none of them relate to the emotional/crying outbursts so I think I became accustomed to this and that it was normal.

I think as long as I have things to occupy my mind I tend to be pretty good now, but there are times where my mind wanders back. I need to try and stop this happening.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi lookout,

Getting busy is good to distract ourselves with.  Especially in doing things that are beneficial for us and give us a sense of well being.  Are you participating in hobbies, social activities, spending time with friends and family?  Connecting with others in a meaningful way is good for balancing our emotional systems.

Whilst distraction is good in the early stages, it's also important to allow ourselves to face and deal with the less comfortable feelings.  It's OK to feel sad, confused, angry.  Grieving is necessary and serves a purpose.  Try to take some time to let these feelings out and process them.  Take a look at the lessons to the right of the board.  These are a great place to start.  What we resist persists, so pushing feelings down only causes them to stick around and resurface.  It's all about finding a healthy balance in how we approach the detaching process.  You'll find what works best for you, and others on the board always have great ideas they can share.

Love and light x